


Dean, the Dangerous, and the Damned

by Speary



Series: A Song for Us [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Destiel - Freeform, Drama, M/M, Mystery, Romance, Slow Burn, attorney!Cas, attorney!Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-14
Updated: 2015-05-25
Packaged: 2018-03-01 11:34:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 43
Words: 144,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2771510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Speary/pseuds/Speary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One year later: Dean is struggling with a life alone, working a desk job, and managing his personal relationships. All the while, Cas has been rebuilding his life with Lil, compartmentalizing and fixing however he can. Unfortunately, some problems can't be run from, and being alone is solving nothing. Sequel to Cas, the King of Karaoke.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mezzo, Dean

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel to Cas, the King of Karaoke. You should read that story first. This part also takes on a different structure from the last. I will be moving back and forth with perspectives. One chapter will be from Dean and the next from Cas. I also have a non-Dean and Cas chapter but I won't be telling you more about that, no spoilers. Each chapter title is tied to music terminology, stuff that my crazy brain thought might connect everything that they are experiencing separately and together. Also, unlike the first part, this will not be updated daily. It will be updated twice weekly. Please leave a comment or a kudo if you are enjoying it. I write this stuff because I enjoy the feedback and such. Thanks.

If Dean’s life had a soundtrack it would be as loud as the discordant drums and guitar riffs tearing at his back. If his life had a soundtrack, Dean was sure that it would be distasteful to most polite people. The screaming, big-hair bands of the 80s and the angry growls of 90s angst rock would fill the playlist. Of course, there's always room for a little 70s, but none of that disco shit, mind you. If his life had a soundtrack there was a chance that there might be soft songs too, ones that were wholly different from the ones careening around him at that moment. The portable stereo had been blasting out noise for nearly an hour while Dean lazily reclined in Sam’s too expensive lawn furniture. Dean ran his fingers up the armrest of the piece that he had been nearly sleeping in and thought, _I could have made this for half the cost._ He revised his internal monologue when he recalled the catalogs that were on Sammy’s coffee table just inside, _way less than half_.

 

If Dean’s life had a soundtrack, though, that would be an improvement. It had a soundtrack once. It had been a long stretch of time though since Dean had felt like anything was drumming along in his silent existence. He ate; he slept; he worked. This was his life on repeat for the past year. Being here at Sammy’s was the one anomaly to his otherwise predictable existence. His life was frustrating to him. The fact that he had been on desk duty for the past year was maddening. The fact that he had felt stagnant and stuck everyday for the past year was steadily making him into a surly man that somewhat resembled his equally surly uncle Bobby.

 

The hard, fast tracks beat out a rhythm. Song after song played out into the afternoon while he soaked in the afternoon sun.  The sun on his bare chest was giving him the beginnings of a tan that hadn’t been there an hour ago. He ran his hand up through his sun lightened brown hair and then reached back for his drink. He cracked open his second can of beer and took a long gulp before closing his eyes again. He had consciously chosen not to fill the green cooler with bottled beers from Sam’s fridge. They were Sam’s fancy microbrews, and they reminded him of a different time. The cans reminded him of Bobby, and that was still comfortable.

 

The house and the yard were comfortable too. It was a new house and yard. Well, new to Sam and Jess, but not new by any other standard. It was a real fixer-upper when they first moved in. Sam liked his projects it seemed. Dean let out a sigh as he thought of the moment when Sam had finally shared his decision regarding the sale of the family home, ash heap now. The property had plenty of value, even if the house was no longer there. He shuddered a little with the memory of the place.

 

Dean had always viewed the old home with a tinge of horror. His mother’s death in the fire had made Dean feel as though the house was filled with too many bad memories. With the advent of the second fire and the other horrors brought to the home by A, Sam finally viewed the home with the same horror that Dean did. That place now had too many demons for him too.

 

The song that was playing ended abruptly. The next song was milder, significantly so. He huffed out a breathe of irritation and was about to get up to fast forward past this melodic intruder. He paused in the middle of his movement toward it when it hit him. The last time he had listened to this song slammed into his head with all of the force of the past. It was Bon Jovi. The last time that he heard the song, Cas has been singing it. _Nevermind, Blaze of Glory isn’t so bad._ He told himself as he slumped back into his old position.

 

He pulled out his cell phone and thought about texting. He had gotten Cas’ new number from Bobby. _Just a short message. What could it hurt?_ He knew what it could hurt, and because of that he instead decided to inflict other tortures on himself. This brand of torture was a constant for him. He would often consider reaching out, only to push aside his own desires. He clicked on his last message thread with Cas and began rereading it from the top all the way down. It was funny to him to look back at the first messages and remember what he was like then, how much he had tried to convince himself that he was just seeking friendship with his brother’s co-worker.

 

He got to the messages that they had exchanged when it was all still so innocent. He stopped at the one from Cas that read: _I’ve been looking forward to your company all week._ He remembered how he had felt then. His heart had nearly stopped. He had questioned each exchange, each glance from the night at the bar, each tiny bit of contact. He remembered playing out the scene in the alleyway over and over. He remembered how even in those first stuttering moments of their relationship they had felt the pull. The draw of each other’s presence on the other. Had it not been for Sammy practically throwing himself out into the alley, Dean would have been all up in Cas’ personal space. As it was though, Dean could not complain. They had found the path to intimacy not long after, and it was a bright song in Dean’s otherwise songless life.

 

He flicked his finger speedily down the phone, sending the texts to the bottom. There were messages there that would remind him not to reinsert himself into Cas’ life. Not that he really needed a reminder. It was likely more about Dean just inflicting torments on his mind that could possibly alleviate the guilt. These moments did not help, but he felt that they were what he deserved.

 

Sometimes it was hard to remember why distance was necessary when he was just reading the early texts. The later ones though, always hit him hard. The ones that were his “go-to” reminders were the frantic texts that he sent just after A had attacked Cas in his office. It was damn near impossible for Dean to overlook the dangers that he brought into Cas’ life each time that he read those texts.

Are you okay?

Answer your phone.

Damn it Cas please answer your phone.

I swear to God that if you don’t answer your phone, I’ll kill you myself.

I didn’t mean that. Answer the phone. Please.

Sam said that you were hurt. I swear I will kill him.

I’m freaking out now, Cas. Please be okay.

there is so much i need to say and i can’t if you dont pick up your ph

Answer it

I’ll never forgive myself you have to be okay

He never did get to tell Cas all that he had wanted to tell him. _It was for the best though,_ he thought. _No sense making things any more difficult for the two of us._

 

He got up from the chair and wandered out to the front of Sam’s property. The Impala was gleaming bright under the high afternoon sun. The black and chrome were blinding him for a moment. He opened the passenger door and reached out to the glove box. He intended to lock away his phone in there. _Out of sight, out of mind._ He wondered if it was ever going to get any easier.

 

As he placed the phone in the box, his eyes chanced upon the other phone. The second phone use to go everywhere with him. It was the emergency phone. It was one of those cheap pay-as-you-go phones. This was the phone that Cas would call if he needed Dean. Dean never received a call. _Cas didn’t need him._ Eventually, he started leaving it in the glove box, as opposed to, carrying it in his pocket. He plucked up the phone and turned it on. The phone had another purpose too. It was his one mode of contact with Garth.

 

Garth was a local P.I. that Dean sometimes employed for little jobs that he couldn’t swing alone. He was useful and rather friendly. When he had decided that he would need some eyes and ears near Cas, Garth became his solution. This solution was eating up most of his paycheck, but he didn’t care. It was a small price to pay for peace of mind. He carried the phone with him back to the yard and plopped back down in the chair that he had occupied before. He clicked his contact list. He scrolled through until he found Garth’s name and then clicked on him. He noted the last date that he had called was not quite a week ago, and he prepared for the gentle ribbing that he would likely get for his impatience. He pressed the call through.

 

Garth answered on the third ring. “Really, Dean, it has barely been five days this time. I thought that we were going to do full weeks between these little check-ins.”

 

“Well, hello to you too, Garth.” Dean thought about putting up a pretence of just calling to say hi, but Garth knew him too well to go along with such a thing.

 

“So, should we talk about the weather? Or, I know, how’s Sam and Jess?” Now Garth was just messing with him.

 

“You just can’t make this easy, can you, Garth?” Dean huffed out in exasperation.

 

“Well, Dean, just once it would be nice if you called to just say hello or something less stalkerish. I am really starting to feel like kind of a creeper.”

 

“You know that it isn’t like that right?” Dean worried for a second that Garth was not seeing the situation with the seriousness that it warranted.

 

“I know, Dean. I was just having fun at your expense. It gets a little boring around here. Frankly, I would tell you to call more often if I didn’t think that it was unhealthy for you. You provide some of the only entertainment that I get all week.” Garth sounded like he was in a slightly melancholy mood. Dean felt a little bad about the situation that he had tossed the guy into.

 

“Sorry about all of this. I think that I will be able to get back into this soon. My physical therapist said that I am just about ready to get out of this horrible desk duty and back on the streets. That puts me just a bit closer to getting the case solved and Cas and Lil out of harm’s way.”

 

“I wasn’t complaining, Dean. It has just been a little dull here. Cas couldn’t have picked a more boring place to live.”

 

“I think that was the point.” Then Dean decided to redirect to the path that he wanted when he had called in the first place. “So, how is he doing? How is Lil?”

 

“Well, that took less time than last time. I swear, Dean, you are like a dog with a bone when it comes to some things.”

 

“Funny, that’s what Bobby says about me too. Now, spill.” Dean was losing patience a little, but he wasn’t upset with Garth. He waited a moment before Garth actually started sharing.

 

“Well, this was a big week for the Young family.” Garth used the last name that Dean had chosen as Cas’ new alias. “Cas took Lil to a movie. They saw some cartoon thing. They ate out at the local pizza joint. They each went to work and school. They have routines. It is easy to follow them and keep track of them.”

 

“Why did you say that it had been a big week?” Dean asked.

 

“Well, it was Lil’s birthday. She turned six. Cas threw a little party for her in their yard. There were a couple of families there. The usual suspects. No one to be concerned about.”

 

“Really, six? Last time I saw her she was four.”

 

“Nah, she must have turned five when you saw her, but I imagine that no one knew back then.” Garth’s words made Dean feel a little sad about the situation that Lil had been in. That they could miss such a milestone was upsetting to him. It was also a further reminder that he had no business inserting himself into their lives. _They don’t deserve that._

 

He redirected though, “No signs of trouble right?” Dean voiced the same fearful question every time that they spoke. Trouble meant many things when Dean said it. He thought of A’s brother, who was never located and of all the sordid people that could also find their way into Cas and Lil’s lives.

 

“No sign of anything or anyone that is troubling. It’s a small town, Dean. Newbies would not go unnoticed.” Garth had adopted the same reassuring tone each time that he spoke with Dean. The problem was that Dean had started to hear it as less than reassuring. It sounded more to Dean like Garth had gotten bored to the point of not caring about the job.

 

“Are you still working for the coffee house? You still see most people there?” Dean asked.

 

“Yeah, I still work there. It is a better job than the one Cas has. He did branch out a little this past week, though.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“He decided to start working at the legal aid office downtown. Well, he is doing this when he is not already working over at the Music Depot.”

 

“Is he still doing piano lessons and that sort of stuff?”

 

“Seems so.”

 

“Should I be worried about the new gig? Seems like that could land him on someone’s radar.” Dean couldn’t help but have a little worry creep into his voice.

 

“Nah, I think that he has been downplaying his lawyer side quite a bit. He seems to just work on piddly little local issues. I don’t think that his work will end up on any official documents or in any courtrooms. He had been doing some drop in work for them before, but now is different. Now, he seems to be on a regular schedule with them. I almost think that he is more like a counsellor. He seems to get a lot of people that come to just talk to him about their lives. He is a pretty good listener.”

 

“How do you know?” Dean wondered just how much Garth could really have access to. He didn’t want Garth to just embellish the details.

 

“Well, you do know that I talk with him at the coffee house, right. I mean, he does come in like everyday. I would say that he and I are kind of friends. We usually talk for a bit before he heads off to his corner to read and drink his morning cup of coffee. Also, people talk about him. He is the nice single father that just moved to town. It hardly matters that he has been here for a year. He is fresh meat compared to the rest of the town’s people. I think that is why it is so easy for all of them to talk with him, go to him with their problems. He hasn’t been here long enough for them to worry about him judging them. They are too busy judging him anyway.”

 

“What do you mean when you say that they are judging him?” Dean was always rather quick to defend Cas in these little conversations.

 

Garth groaned in slight exasperation, ‘Nothing big, Dean. They just wonder about him. He comes up in coffee house gossip. He’s attractive and single. Plus, he has the whole single-dad adorableness going for him. The ladies are having a heck of a time with the fact that he hasn’t shown any interest in dating from the local pool of women.”

 

“They do know that he’s gay, right?” _I mean really, it has been a year. Buy a clue people._

 

“Clearly, no. It isn’t like Cas is hiding anything. It just never seems to come up. He redirects conversations like a pro. He never lets anyone get to the point of actually asking him out, and he never lets them get too deep into the questioning so common in small towns. They know virtually nothing about him. I imagine that this just adds to the Cas mystique.” Garth seemed to be enjoying playing amature psychologist.

 

“So, no guys have approached him either?” Dean wondered aloud. He hadn’t actually meant to ask. It felt too personal.

 

“Not really.” Garth seemed to want to move on, but Dean was not comfortable with the answer.

 

“What do you mean by not really?” _Not really means yes. It totally means yes._

 

“Well, there is this one guy in town. He is not out, but he flirts with Cas. He hangs out at the coffee house on the weekends and sometimes in the afternoon on the weekdays. He is a nice guy. Cas is uninterested though.”

 

Dean felt irritated, but he pushed it down. _So what if someone wanted to flirt with Cas. It had been a year and Cas deserved to have a little attention._ He tried not to sound irritated when he spoke as he did not want Garth to know how much the information had rattled him. He might hold back if he knew. “Well, Garth, I gotta get going. Sounds like Sam just got back, and he has me slated to work on the house.”

 

“Okie, dokie. I guess I’ll hear from you in a couple of days, huh?”

 

“Yeah. You know me. I am not likely going to wait a week.” He laughed a little.

 

“That’s good. I don’t want to have to come up with my own entertainment.” Garth laughed too. “Talk to you later, Dean.”

 

“Bye, Garth.” Dean wondered how long he would be able to wait this week. _I’ll be lucky if I make it two days._

 

 


	2. Mezzo, Cas

Cas stood out on the front porch of their simple cabin home. It was set back from the lake with a shield of tall redwoods at its back. The unpaved driveway, that came up to the back of it, stretched long and out of sight through the trees. Cas looked out at Lil playing in the yard with her school friend, Dela. She was a little red-headed girl that was elfin in her features. Cas liked this friend, not just because she looked like a young version of his own friend Anna, but because she was snarky. She made everything into a joke, and seemed to keep Lil from becoming too internal.

 

He took a seat on the front steps and set down one of his two mugs of coffee. It was Saturday and still warm for late October. Dela and Lil were making little structures along the edge of the water. Cas called over, “Don’t get wet. I don’t want to return Dela to her mom with wet socks.”

 

“Okay, dad.” Lil called back. Cas smiled at the name. He warmed every time that she said it. He remembered how it came about the first time. She had called him Cas. He had worried that their old identities would come out before they even found a home. They had been living in the local motel. It was a nice enough temporary establishment, but not a place to raise a kid. When she had called him Cas, luckily, the only one that heard it was the front desk clerk at the motel. It didn’t seem to phase him though. It’s possible that he just thought that it was a term of endearment instead of a name, or more likely, he just didn’t care. When they had gotten back to the room, Cas had sat her down to talk about the name.

 

“You know, I have a new name now?” He entered the conversation with trepidation.

 

“Mmm.” She hummed out while looking off at the window, away from Cas.

 

“Since we are starting over, you will not be able to call me Cas anymore.” He did not like how he had said it, but he didn’t have a plan, so this was the result.

 

“Mom had different names too.” Lil seemed uncomfortable.

 

“Yes, she did.” Cas scooted closer to her and rested a hand on her head, rubbing down the stray wisps of her blonde hair.

 

“She didn’t like her other names.”

 

“I always wanted to just call her Megan. She didn’t want me to do that though.” Cas offered to encourage talk.

 

“She said that names matter. I think that her name mattered.” She didn’t explain it more, but Cas agreed with her.

 

“To keep people from finding us, we have to change our names. My new name is Malcolm Young.”

 

“Do I have to change my name?” She finally looked at him with sad eyes.

 

‘Not entirely, you are still Lil. Your last name is Young now, like mine.” He paused a moment before adding. “We get to have the same last name because you are my daughter.”

 

She really stared at him now. “I don’t want to call you Malcolm. I don’t like that name.”

 

“Dean picked it. Don’t blame me.”

 

“Does he like the name?” She leaned her head into him, and he wrapped his arm around her.

 

“I think so. He said that there was a famous singer with that name.”

 

“I miss him. Will he come find us eventually?” She turned her face up to him.

 

“I don’t think that we will be seeing him for a long time.” He kissed her head. “I miss him too.”

 

They sat there quietly for a while before she spoke again. “I’m not going to call you Malcolm.”

 

“What will you call me then?” He asked then offered, “You could call me Penguin Boy.” He joked and coaxed out a smile from her. The name came from a joke that they had shared a long time ago when Lil’s mom was still alive.

 

“Penguin Boy.” She seemed to be testing out the name. It did not seem to be working for her.

 

Cas considered for a bit before he spoke again, “There is another possibility, but only if you want to.” He paused again, worried over her response. “I mean, you don’t have to use the name if you aren’t comfortable with it, but…” He looked down at her face and finished, “you could call me dad.”

 

“Dad.” She immediately tested the word and looked more comfortable with it.

 

“Of course, I don’t want you to feel like you have to call me that.” Cas was shifting about uncomfortably.

 

“Do you want me to call you dad?” Lil’s expression changed, as if she were seeing rejection.

 

Cas quickly revised his tone when he saw the effect of his words on her. “I would be so happy if you felt like calling me dad.” He smiled at her and she returned it to him.

 

“Dad. I like this better than Malcolm.” She snuggled up into his arm and after that she never called him anything else.

 

\---

 

The sun was blindingly bright off of the water. Cas sipped at his coffee and cast his gaze up into the distance. The figure that was jogging along the lakeside trail seemed to be making good time. The small puffs of dust that kicked up with each pound of his feet were a mesmerizing sight. Cas mentally calculated how long it would be before the runner was in front of their house. He was a mile off, so Cas assumed that he had about six more minutes.

 

It was not uncommon for joggers to pound along the trail that wrapped around the lake in front of their cabin. It was a five mile circuit if the runners took the path that wrapped back into the woods, winding back to the start. Cas and Lil’s place stood at the exact middle of the trail. The first time that joggers had been spotted in what they had decided was their front yard, Cas had slipped his gun into his jacket to carry while he investigated. The joggers had slowed up when they saw him on the front porch. The first group included five thirty-somethings, mostly women. The one anomaly was Carter. They were a group that met up a couple of times per week to run the trail together. Allison was their leader. She was a short brunette with long hair that was pulled back in a tight ponytail.

 

She had jogged over to Cas’ who had taken a few strides away from his front porch out into the “yard.” Allison’s co-joggers followed her. “Well, hello there,” She had said. Cas took his hand out of his jacket pocket, releasing his gun. He took her offered hand in a quick shake. “I’m Allison. You are new here.” She said all of this in a breathy manner that spoke to how much she had been laboring at the jog.

 

“I’m Malcolm.” Cas had almost introduced himself with his real name, but it was not apparent to them. He let his gaze fall on the other members of the group. They were all hovering back a little, seeming to wait for Allison’s lead.

 

“Well, good to meet you. We run by here Mondays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, so you’ll likely see us passing through your yard a bit.” Allison waved her hand back at the trail. “This is Maia, Cort, Carter, and Jane.” She pointed at each one in turn. They each stepped up and shook his hand as she gave their names. “So, when did you move in?”

 

“We’ve only been here a couple of days. We were living in the motel for the past month, and this is a great improvement on that.” Cas glanced back at the house and saw Lil slinking out onto the front porch.

 

“Oh, isn’t she just precious. Is she your daughter?” Allison smiled over at Lil. Lil dipped back into the house.

 

“Yes, her name is Lil. She is a little shy today.” Cas began a slow shuffle back toward the house and added, “I think that I better get back in and put breakfast on for the little munchkin. It was nice meeting you.”

 

The abrupt end to the conversation seemed to take them by surprise, so Allison shuffled along with Cas all the way back to his porch. “Is there anyone else that we should meet in there?”

 

“Um, no. Just Lil and I.” Cas felt a little awkward all of a sudden. Allison was peering past him to the door.

 

“Ah, divorced huh?” She asked with a raise of her eyebrow.

 

“No. Lil’s mom and I were never married. She died.” He hoped that this explanation would be enough. He had yet to construct much of a permanent story about this situation. He knew that he would have to eventually, if he ever allowed himself more than a casual conversation with anyone. _Casual is good. Explaining your past with lies, not so much._

 

The one guy in the group, Carter, stepped up then and said, “Hey, Allison, we need to get back on the trail.” This seemed to snap Allison back into focus.

 

She smiled at Cas and said, “Well, we’ll see you around.” And then she turned to the others and said, “Well, let’s get going.” They all took off as a group except for Carter, who lingered for a moment more.

 

“How old’s your kid?” Carter asked.

 

“She’s five.” Cas wondered at the question, but he didn’t have to wonder long.

 

“So, she’ll likely be in my kindergarten class next fall. I’m a teacher.” He began shuffling away a little when Allison’s voice called back.

 

“Come on, Carter. We’re ditching you.”

 

“Just giving you a head start, slow poke,” he called back. He turned to Cas then, “I don’t know how I managed to let that bossy woman suck me into her group, but ah, well, duty calls.” He smiled in a way that transferred all the way up to his eyes and Cas found himself smiling back. Carter jogged away and seemed like he would be more than capable of catching up with the others despite the head start.

 

\---

 

The night terrors had started again that night. He had assumed that the worst was past them since she had slept soundly at the motel for the past month. The deep night that fell on the cabin though, coupled with the new environment was possibly the trigger that set her mind back into darkness. He had bounded from the bed in an instant. Her shrieks pierced the night and cut into his heart. He scooped her up into his arms, throwing on her nightstand light as he did so. She quieted a little as he pressed her head to his chest.

 

“Shh, shh. I’m here, Lil. It’s okay, munchkin. Shh, shh.” He rocked her back and forth, holding her to him. The night stretched out in slow calming motions and cooing endurances.

 

“There is someone in my closet.” She said once she had regained control of her emotions.

 

Cas got up and moved to the closet door. He looked back at her curled up on the bed, and peered inside the space. There was nothing there. A long coat was hanging from the bar. Cas moved it aside. “I think that it was the coat that you were seeing.” Cas returned to her and curled up next to her in the bed.

 

“It looked like a person. Are you sure that no one is in there?” She scooted up close to him and he wrapped his arm around her.

 

“I promise that nothing is in there.” They fell asleep like that. Cas, though, realized that maybe he was not equipped to fix the problems that they would face.

 

The next night was the same. The night after too. Lil’s fears seemed to be getting worse. Some days she wouldn’t speak. He decided that she needed to see a professional. He looked through the local directory and came across a name of a female family therapist. He wasn’t sure how to check her out for acceptability except to just go to her and see how it went.

 

Her office was in a small corner storefront on the edge of town. Her windows overlooked the town square. She was a tall woman in her late thirties. She had a wide smile, that greeted them as they entered the room. She was wearing dark glasses, which at first seemed odd as they were in doors. Cas had one hand on Lil’s back as they walked in together. “Hello,” he said. “I’m Malcolm Young, and this is my daughter Lil.” Cas stood across from her desk now.

 

She stood and reached out a hand a little toward Cas to shake. Her aim was off though, and it was then that Cas realized the need for the glasses. She was blind. He took her hand and shook it as she said, “I’m Pamela, Pamela Barnes. Pleasure to meet you in person Mr. Young.” She released his hand and turned in the general direction of Lil. She reached out her hand and Lil took it carefully. “A pleasure to meet you too, Lil.” She beckoned to the seat then. “Please, have a seat.”

 

Cas wasn’t sure how these things went. He didn’t know if he started or if she did. So he sat and waited for her to speak. Lil spoke first though. “Why are you wearing sunglasses?”

 

“This is why I love children. They say what they are thinking without those pesky social filters getting in the way.” She inclined her head toward Lil and removed her glasses, revealing her eyes, cloudy white with blindness. “God decided to take my sight, little one.”

 

“Why?”

 

“So that I could see things better.” She laughed a little at her statement.

 

“That does not make sense.” Lil said while crossing her arms over her chest.

 

“I often don’t make much sense, but you will find that sense is overrated. Sometimes it is just nice to have a safe place to talk with someone that isn’t always trying to stare you down. I promise to never stare you down.” She smiled again and there was warmth in the look. They talked a little, and with some pointed questions, Pamela learned about Lil’s favorite color and food. She learned little things that would seem mundane to most, but they established the beginnings of a connection that Cas could see forming. Before they left, he scheduled a second meeting for the following week, and she gave them a small note card with some writing on it. “This is your homework.”

 

“Homework?” Cas looked down at the card.

 

“Yes, I will give you homework each time that we meet. It will be some small task that will hopefully help. This week’s task is simple. I’ll expect a full report at our next meeting.”

 

They walked to the door and Cas said, “Thank you Dr. Barnes. We appreciate this.” He tucked the card into his pocket and headed home.


	3. Ziehen, Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ziehen is a German musical term that means to draw out.

The sound of gravel crunching alerted Dean to the company that was about to invade the backyard. He had thought that Sam would have gotten back some time ago. Instead he had killed two hours in the backyard and enough beer had been consumed to bring on a flush to his cheeks and warmth to his body. The voice that greeted him next was a bit unexpected. “Dean, how’s it going?” Gabe strolled over to him in his shorts and floral Hawaiian shirt.

 

Dean got up and reached out a hand to him in greeting. “Not bad, not bad. How you been?”

 

“Can’t complain. Got an extra one of those for me?” He nodded toward the beer, and Dean scooped up an unopened can for him and tossed it over. “Damn, Dean. Now it’s going to get everywhere.” He held it away from him as he cracked it open, letting the foam gush out a little onto the grass.

 

“Sam didn’t say anyone else was coming.”

 

“Yeah, you’re going to have to share him today, Dean. Uriel and Anna are coming by too.” Gabe eased into one of the chairs and took a long pull from the can. Dean sat across from him. “Heard any interesting news lately?”

 

“Nope. But I get the sense that you have. So, spill.” Dean leaned back into his chair and started drumming on the armrests with his fingers. “Ironman” was pumping out of the speakers, and he liked the sound and energy of it.

 

“Well, a little birdy told me that Sam got an email that he is planning to share with all of us today.” Gabe looked over at him with a conspiratorial wink.

 

“I don’t have a clue what you are talking about. Enlighten me.” Dean considered cracking open another can of beer, but figured that he should take it easy if power tools were going to be used later. Instead he popped open the cooler and pulled out a bottle of water.

 

“So, he didn’t tell you about the letter, huh? That’s funny. You getting along with Sam okay these days?”

 

“Uh, yeah. We’re great.” Dean looked away at the yard and thought about his interactions with Sam over the past year. They weren’t bad per se. They just weren’t quality interactions. It was usually pretty tense and terse, but not mean. Dean just didn’t have much to say, or so he told himself.

 

“Really? Then why didn’t he tell you about the message?” Gabe raised an eyebrow to him.

 

“I don’t know, Gabe. Why don’t you tell me?” Dean did not mean to let the irritation slip into his words, but he was not exactly feeling patient at the moment. The beer and the afternoon sun had relaxed his tongue a little it seemed.

 

“Well, now I maybe don’t feel like sharing.” Gabe looked over at him with a smirk and took another gulp of his beer.

 

“Whatever. I’ll find out when Sammy gets home. Speaking of…” The sound of another car on the driveway could be heard now and Dean was up on his feet. It sounded like more than one car had actually shown up. Multiple slammed doors later and voices could be heard making their way into the backyard.

 

“I’m guessing that we could probably get this done in one afternoon. Jess and I will throw down some burgers, and we will bask in the glow of a job well done.” Sam was talking to Uriel while they rounded the corner. Anna and Jess were in their wake.

 

“‘Bout time you all got here. I was starting to think that I got the weekend wrong.” Dean walked up to Sam and pulled him into a tight hug. Jess caught him up next, and Dean lifted her up and spun her around before letting her go. “Good to see you, Sis.”

 

Anna smiled at him and said, “It’s nice to see you again Dean. It has been too long.”

 

Dean gave her a quick hug and said, “It hasn’t been that long.”

 

“Uh, yeah, actually it has. Almost a year.” She was covering. Dean went along with it.

 

“Wow, time flies, I guess. You sure?” She gave him a half smile and a shrug in answer before he turned to Uriel. “Good to see you too, Uriel.” They shook hands and everyone mosied over to the table.

 

“So, everyone know the plan for today?” Sam asked as he waved at the back part of the house.

 

“Yeah, Sam. We know all about your plans to use us as slave labor,” Gabe laughed. “So tell us what each of us will be doing, and let’s get this thing started.”

 

Sam ducked into the house and came out with some rolled up plans. He explained several tasks to them concerning the add-on that they were building. It was a simple pop-out spare room. It would look just like it had always been there if they did it just right. Dean couldn’t see the need for it, but it seemed like it was a nice way to gain an extra chunk of space for the house. He had been put in charge of cutting the boards and plywood siding to size. He also planned to man the nail gun later when the time came. Gabe had been told to help Dean with his tasks.

 

Dean rolled his eyes at this pronouncement. “Well, Dean, looks like you are stuck with me. Lucky you, huh?” Gabe slapped Dean’s back in a way that seemed to be meant as a friendly gesture.

 

“Do you have much experience around power tools?” Dean looked at Gabe with a skeptical raise of his eyebrow.

 

“Totally.” Gabe stood off to the side of the table saw seeming like he was ready to just start cutting up anything.

 

“Hmm, somehow I don’t believe you. Let me see your hands.” Gabe held out his hands. “Okay, you still have all of your digits. So I guess you are acceptable.” He smiled at Gabe in an attempt at fixing the tension from earlier. If he had known what direction this encouragement would lead them, he might have just left, cut his losses early. By the time the afternoon had ended and evening had taken over, Gabe had nearly killed Dean three times.

 

\---

 

The first time that Dean had almost died was when he sent Gabe onto the newly framed roof to tack down the plywood with the nail gun. Dean had passed the gun up to Gabe and stood below prepping slats that would make up the siding on the walls. He was cutting them on the table saw when he heard the first pop of the nailgun deploying into the wood immediately followed by Gabe’s startled whoop. The nailgun had apparently startled Gabe so much that he released it and it went sailing off of the roof. It nearly landed on Dean’s head. Which would have been bad, to say the least. Dean turned to the roof swiftly, disapproval plain on his face. “What the Hell, Gabe.”

 

“Uh, sorry ‘bout that. That thing has a little kick, doesn’t it?” Gabe tried to diffuse the situation.

 

“How far away will I need to move to keep you from dropping things on my head?”

 

“That won’t happen again, promise. I just didn’t expect it to be that powerful.” Gabe reached down and added, “Mind passing it back up to me?” Dean reluctantly scooped up the nailgun and handed it back to him. He took a couple of large steps back and watched as Gabe readied the gun to use again. This time he kept a stronger hold on it as he tacked down the wood. He glanced over at Dean and said, “See, all better.”

 

Dean eased back over to the table saw and started working again. Later, when everyone decided to take a little break. Gabe walked over to Dean and hovered, seeming to desire some sort of conversation. Dean said, “So, what’s up?”

 

“Uh, so did Sam tell you that I bought a truck?”

 

“No, he didn’t mention it. So, you are driving something that is a little larger than your old Mini, now?”

 

“Yeah, since the fire, I have managed to get a place that offers parking to its tenants. So, I figured that I should get a larger vehicle to fill out the space.” They both stared off into the distance. Dean had wondered if Gabe had been forced to move or if he had chosen to wait out the construction that would likely fix the old building. He never asked Sam about it though. This was just another one of those things that he avoided because it would lead to other conversations, other paths of irritation.

 

“So, what kind of truck is it?” Dean asked.

 

“It’s a Chevy.” Gabe seemed happy with Dean’s interest. “I was sort of wondering if you would take a look at it. I guess that it just seems like it is doing something a little odd. Sam said that you might be able to tell what it is by just listening to it. He said that you kind of have like a sixth sense about the mechanical stuff.”

 

“Hmm, I think that he is giving me too much credit, but sure. I don’t mind taking a look. Is it a new truck or did you get it used?” Dean began heading toward the front of the house with Gabe at his side.

 

“New, but I am not always good to my vehicles. So maybe I have prematurely aged the thing with my bad driving.” They rounded  the side of the house and Dean saw a rather large Chevy Suburban.

 

“That is not a truck. That is a big ass SUV.” Dean proclaimed as they approached the vehicle.

 

“Meh, same diff.” Gabe raised a hand to his vehicle and gave it a little pat. Dean had to smile a little at the affection. “So, you wanna hear the funky noise?”

 

“Sure.” Gabe hopped up into the vehicle and Dean joined him on the passenger side. “So does it only make the sound when you are driving or do you hear it when it is idling too?”

 

“Just when I am driving.” Gabe answered quickly. He started the car and Dean pulled his door closed and fastened his seatbelt. “So, you up for a quick drive?”

 

“Yeah, let’s just not take too long. We don’t want them to miss us too much.” Gabe fastened his seatbelt, threw the car into gear, and swiftly whipped the car out of the parking spot in Sam’s driveway. He shifted into drive and laid on the gas heavily, sending the car forward with enough speed to suck Dean back into his seat. _The sound is likely the vehicle getting pissed. Shit, he’s a maniac. How were he and Cas friends?_ Gabe didn’t let up on the gas.

 

They blasted down the long stretch of road, and Gabe said, “So, you hear the sound?”

 

“Gonna be honest and say, no. I actually don’t hear a thing.” Dean kept his eyes glued to the road as Gabe took the tight turn a little too fast and the sound of the tires screeching caused Dean to grip the sides of the seat. “So, Gabe, are you planning to kill me today, or is my death in the inevitable car crash going to just be a happy by-product of today’s little adventure?”

 

“Oh, is my driving scaring you? I thought that this was sort of your kind of thing.” He slowed up, but only a little.

 

“It would be more of my thing if I were driving. I am not much for the passenger thing.” Dean tried to look less like the drive was bothering him, but he could see the next turn and it did not look like Gabe would be able to handle it.

 

“It only makes the sound when I hit certain higher speeds. I’m going to try to get it to do it.” Gabe accelerated more, and Dean gripped the seat tighter.

 

“You need to slow down. We aren’t going to make that turn.” Dean tried to sound calm, but he could see the accident before it happened, so panic crept into his voice. Gabe slid into the turn. The SUV fishtailed a little as Gabe slammed on the brakes and slid off of the edge of the road into a shallow ditch.

 

“Oh, didn’t see that coming.” Gabe laughed a little. “You look upset. This was just a little adventure. No big.” The back end of the vehicle was angled down a slight incline. It wouldn’t take much to get it out, but it was still not going to be, as Gabe put it, “no big.”

 

“I am starting to think that you are trying to kill me. Seriously, Gabe, who taught you to drive?” Dean got out of the truck to investigate. He looked down at the way that the tires were wedged into the slightly moist dirt and thought that they might just be able to drive up out of it. The SUV should have enough strength to do the job just fine. Gabe joined him and looked at the situation.

 

“So, do you want to give her a little push while I try to drive her up the hill?” Gabe threw a questioning look Dean’s way.

 

“Nope. I am going to drive us back.” He reached out and waited for Gabe to hand over the keys. Gabe pulled them out reluctantly and set them into Dean’s hand.

 

“Be careful with her now.”

 

“Really? Said the guy that just rocketed off the road.” Dean rounded the car to the driver’s side. “Let’s go.” After some effort, the two of them got back on the road and were headed back to Sam’s.

 

“I don’t suppose that we could just keep this little adventure between us, could we?” Gabe hadn’t spoken much in the last half hour. This last sounded kind of pathetic. Dean looked over at him and considered the situation.

 

“I don’t really see the point of not mentioning it. We could downplay your inept driving though, if that makes you feel any better.” Dean stared straight ahead, then added, “Also, I don’t think that anything is wrong with your car.”

 

“Really? I guess it isn’t making the noise today.” They pulled into the driveway and parked. Sam came out as they got out of the car.

 

“Where were you guys? We were getting worried.”

 

“Oh, Gabe just wanted me to check out his new ride. Took longer than we thought that it would.” He chose not to mention the bad driving. He saw the look of appreciation on Gabe’s face.

 

“We are kind of hungry, Sam. You got the burgers cooking?” Gabe said while marching back to the rear yard.

 

“I was just getting ready to start up the grill. You want to get it fired up?” Sam directed at Gabe.

 

“You got it, boss.” Gabe headed over to Sam’s large gas grill while Dean and Sam wandered away from the rest of the crew to visit a bit.

 

‘So, what really happened?” Sam dipped into the cooler and pulled out a bottle of beer, popped the cap and tipped it to his lips.

 

“You, so don’t want to know.” Dean decided that another beer was in order for himself too, and retrieved one from the cooler.

 

“Gabe is one of our special friends. Hopefully, he didn’t give you too much trouble.” Sam reached out and patted Dean on the shoulder. “So, how have you been? It seems like it has been forever since we hung out.”

 

“Fine.” Dean took a pull from his can and looked up at Sam with his most convincing face.

 

“Hmm. Still on desk duty?”

 

“Yep, I think that the physical therapist is just about ready to clear me though. I have an appointment this week, and I plan to push for it.” Dean was looking at Sam now. “How have you been?”

 

“Great. Jess and I are good. It would be nice if we saw our no account brother every now and then, but, whatever, you know. I guess that he is too busy to drive a whole ten minutes over to our place.” Sam bumped him slightly and smiled.

 

“Yeah, maybe, I just know how much work you were going to get me to do if I did show up.” Dean bumped him back.

 

Sam’s face took on a serious look. “So, I’m not sure if Gabe mentioned it, but I heard from Cas.”

 

Dean looked concerned. “How?”

 

“Email.” Sam quickly elaborated when he saw Dean’s face become more concerned. “Don’t worry. Cas explained that he used a proxy server to send off the message.”

 

“Is he okay? I always assumed that we would only hear from him if things went south.” Dean felt the tightening of muscles in his stomach. He pushed down the emotion. Sam would have said something sooner if there was cause for concern, not to mention, Garth would have alerted him as well.

 

“He is fine. I think that he was just missing everyone and wanted to let us know that they were doing well. I plan to share the message after we eat. I would totally understand if you were not interested in hearing it.” Sam had his overly concerned brother look on his face, and Dean found himself feeling the irritation rising again.

 

“Why wouldn’t I want to hear about them, Sammy? It’s been a year. I’m good, golden even.” Dean saw the look on Sam’s face deepen.

 

“You’re not. I wasn’t trying to piss you off. Seems that’s all I can do with you lately.”

 

“Let’s just not. Okay?” Dean looked across the yard sniffing the air. “Do you smell that?”

 

Sam’s eyes darted over to the BBQ and said, “I don’t think that he lit the BBQ.”

 

Dean walked over to the BBQ and the smell of gas was stronger. “Gabe, you didn’t light it.” Gabe came back over to the BBQ and reached out to the ignition button before Dean could stop him. “No!” Dean took a quick jump away as the lid blew back with a blast of fire. “Shit, shit, shit. You dumbass. What the Hell!” The fire blast did not burn long. It was shocking though. It was lucky for Dean that he was not too inebriated to jump away. The warmth of the blast though was strong. Dean stormed away from the scene, Gabe at his heels.

 

“Sorry. Really, Dean, I’m sorry. I totally wasn’t thinking.”

 

Dean didn’t respond he just marched into the house and slammed the door behind him. Jess was in the living room with Anna. “What’s wrong?” Jess walked over to him.

 

“I swear. How have any of you survived your friendship with Gabe? He is a fucking lunatic. He has nearly dropped a nailgun on my head, gotten me in a mild car crash, and practically caught me on fire, and the day isn’t even done yet.” Dean tossed himself onto the couch.

 

Anna laughed, “Yeah, he isn’t exactly the most conscientious in the group. He isn’t usually so bad though. I think that he has some stuff on his mind.”

 

“Well, keep him away from me until he clears his head. I would like to survive the night.” Dean was simmering down. “So, what’s got him riled?”

 

“The email from Cas. I think that it has been rough for him not having Cas around. I think that the thought of hearing from him is distracting him.” Anna came over to the couch and sat with him. “Gabe met Cas back in college. They have been friends ever since. I think that Gabe thought of Cas as his best friend. You should have seen how much effort he put into the little task that Cas left for him.”

 

“What little task?” Dean asked.

 

“You know, the sales of all of his assets.”

 

Dean remembered how Cas had handed off a packet of information to Gabe to sell off all of his stuff. He had said that he would need the money to make a fresh start, a fresh start that Dean could have been a part of if he had just made a different choice. _Too late now._ “Oh, that. Was it a lot of work for him?”

 

“Yes, it was. He made Cas a lot of money. He won’t likely need to work for some time to come; although, I reckon that he will just to keep busy.” Anna reached over and placed a hand on Dean’s leg. “How have you been?” He did not look directly at her. It had been a couple of months since they had seen each other, despite what she had said earlier. He knew that she could see the toll that time was taking on him. Even he could see it each morning in the mirror. The year had aged him inside and out.

 

“Getting by,” Dean answered more honestly than he would if Sam or the others had been in the room.

 

Jess joined them and put her legs up onto the coffee table. “You should come here more. I don’t think that it’s good for you to stay cooped up in your little place all of the time.”

 

“I get out. I work.” Dean tried to explain, but it sounded feeble.

 

“Sure you do.” Anna interrupted. “There’s always another solution to all of this moping that I’m sure you’re doing.”

 

“I don’t mope.” Dean said with an edge of gruffness in his voice.

 

“He mopes.” Jess interjected. “He totally mopes. It is all he does.”

 

“Thanks Jess. Love ya too. I’m not that bad. I keep busy. I just need to get off of this desk duty, get back to the case. I feel like I have been spinning my wheels here for the past year.”

 

Anna asked, “Have you ever thought about just going to him? You know, leaving all of this behind.”

 

Dean didn’t answer at first. How could he? It would unleash too much conversation. It was a chick-flick moment in the making and he was already feeling like he had had enough. It was also a little weird having the question come from her. So instead of honesty, _Everyday_ , he went with, “Nah, I made my bed. I’m going to see this through.”

 

“Biggest mistake you ever made, Dean.” Jess offered up with a tone of sympathy. “You love someone, you fight to stay with them. No matter what.”

 

Dean stood then, because the conversation was truly now in the depths of chick-flick town. “Sometimes it is better to not be so selfish. He is better off.” Dean started for the back door.

 

“You planning to brave the backyard again? I thought that you were trying to avoid Gabe.” Anna said, and Jess stood too.

 

Jess spoke first, “Dean just found something in here that is scarier than Gabe, two women that want to talk about his feelings.” She reached up and hugged Dean before he could escape. “You are loved, Dean. Stop avoiding all of us, okay.”

  
Dean smiled at her, a half-hearted smile as he broke away. “I’ll try.” With that he slipped out into the back yard.


	4. Ziehen, Cas

Homework: Do something that can become a routine. Pick a hobby up that each of you will do together on a regular basis. It should be something that makes each of you feel safe. Report out on your choices at our next meeting.

 

Pamela Barnes

\---

 

It was odd that Cas interpreted this homework assignment in the way that he did. They left Pamela’s office and walked together through the square. On the opposite side of the street, Cas saw something that drew him. “Let’s check that out, Lil.” He pointed at the building that was across the way. He took her hand and they dashed across the street together. The early bite of autumnal air nipped at their cheeks as they made their way to the other side.

 

“What is this?” Lil asked as they stood in front of the large stretch of windows. Inside were adults and children dressed in karate uniforms with belts of various colors.

 

Cas smiled and thought about how this might just fit the bill for the homework assignment. “I think that it is karate. If it is, it is a type of self-defense. They teach you how to move, and how to fight. Supposedly, it is good exercise too.” He said the last bit in order to down play the part about fighting.

 

“It looks like fun.” Lil was still holding his hand. He could feel her pulling him in the direction of the door to the studio.

 

“So, you are interested?”

 

“Can we try it?”

 

“We can. I am not sure how much of a commitment we will have to make, but I’m willing if you are.” They went inside and waited in the corner, watching the leader call out moves to the students. They moved in sync and responded to his directions with additional synchronized shouts. Lil seemed to like that. She was practically vibrating in the seat beside him with what seemed to be a need to move.

 

At the end of the session, the students began making their way out of the studio. Some lingered and spoke with the teacher, but most just gathered their bags and left. Eventually, it was just Cas and Lil and the tall, middle-aged man with dark black hair tinged with grey at the temples. “Hello, my name is Aiden. What can I do for you two?” He stepped forward with purpose and raised a hand to shake.

 

Cas shook his hand and replied, “I’m Malcolm and this is my daughter, Lil. We’re interested in joining your class.”

 

Aiden came down to eye level with Lil and shook her hand. “So why do you want to do this little one?”

 

“It looks like fun. I like the pajamas.” Lil was all smiles. Her usual shyness around strangers did not seem to be present in the moment. Cas was happy. Aiden led them to the back closet storage room and showed them the racks of uniforms. Row after row of white wrap-around tops and pants. On the opposite wall from the uniforms hung a rainbow collection of belts, hundreds of them. Aiden reached out and pulled down some pants and tops, one set small the other larger.

 

“Here. These should fit.” He held them up and looked the two of them over. “Yeah, I think I have sized you both up. Now, if I haven’t, just let me know and we’ll adjust. You can come to the Tuesday sessions. I have openings then. Session starts at 5 and lasts an hour. Helps you build up an appetite for dinner.”

 

“Sounds good. So we would start tomorrow then?” Cas took the uniforms and draped them over his arm.

 

“If you think that you are ready.” Aiden smiled and directed them to the front of the studio. “I think that you two will like it. Tuesday’s crowd is a nice mix of adults and their kids. It is sort of like the family class.”

 

“Well, Lil and I will be here ready to go. Thanks so much for setting us up.” They headed out the door. Lil was practically skipping at his side.

 

“Can I try on the outfit when we get home?”

 

“Only if you stay inside when you wear it. I don’t want it to get all dirty.”

 

“Okay.” They made their way back to the car, feeling rejuvenated. Cas hoped that the feeling would carry Lil through the night, abating the fears that crept into her dreams.

 

\---

 

He knew that he should not have let her, but he did it anyway. She was totally asleep in her new karate uniform. He didn’t even have to fight her about bedtime. It was, in fact, the easiest bedtime that they had experienced. After one final look at Lil, Cas snatched his laptop off of the coffee table and walked out onto the front porch.

 

The night was a deep dark that could only be possible far from the city. The sky was speckled in stars and the lake glistened with moonlight. He took in a deep breath of crisp, cool air and let it out in a long sigh. His day had been long, but it had felt productive. He felt like he was making true progress with Lil. He felt like he was beginning to fix things for them both. He opened the laptop and the glow from the screen bathed him in an eerie blue glow.

 

He opened his browser and navigated to a proxy server. Next, he opened a video chat. The screen was dark at first, then there was Jess. “Hey, Cas. I wasn’t sure if you were actually going to follow through.”

 

“Hello, Jess. Yeah, I got a little held up with things today. Sorry about that. I hope you didn’t feel like you had to wait too long.” Cas leaned back against the wall a little and angled the screen a little better.

 

“It isn’t often that I get a date arranged so far in advance. When you told me about this, I thought that it might fall through.” She looked back over her shoulder. “Hey, should I get Sammy? He would probably want to say hi too.”

 

“Not just yet. I wanted to ask about Dean. If Sam is here it might be awkward for him.” Cas paused then continued, “So, how is he?”

 

“He has been holed up in his house or at work. We haven’t seen much of him since you left. Sam’s been trying to draw him out, but it hasn’t been working.” She paused then, seeming to consider just how much to share. “I’m worried about him. I don’t think that he is okay.”

 

Cas felt the weight of her words pressing in on his chest. _It had only been a little over a month. It has to get easier, right?_ “Has he been working on the case?”

 

“I don’t know. We don’t know. He doesn’t talk about things with us. Bobby’s been trying to keep him busy around the yard, but even that is not working. Jorge put Dean on desk duty. He is not one to revel in the joys of paperwork. I think that not getting out, not being active is increasing the depression.” She ran her hand up through her hair. It was a gesture that he had seen both Sam and Dean make when they were frustrated.

 

“I wish that there was something that I could do.”

 

“You should be having this conversation with him. I don’t get why you two are cutting each other off. What is the point?” She waved her hand out emphatically as she asked the question.

 

“It’s complicated, Jess.”

 

“Well, uncomplicate it, Cas. Really, if you love someone, what reason could you possibly have to cut them out of your life so completely?”

 

“Look, I didn’t do this to be cruel.”

 

“No one is saying that you did, but really, you can’t keep him out of your life like this. Reach out.”

 

“If I do that, then he will never be able to move on.” Cas was starting to feel like this wasn’t a good idea, the communicating.

 

“And, why do we want that?”

 

“Lil and I will never be able to come back there, not safely anyway. And Dean may never solve this case. Look at how long it has been eating away at him. So, if he is stuck there and I am stuck here, then I can’t be selfish and hold onto him. He needs to be free to find someone that can be there for him, really be there.”

 

“And what if he doesn’t want that. How long does he have to pine before you give up being a  martyr and start talking to him?”

 

“He’ll move on. It will just take time, and me not distracting him from opportunities.” Cas let out a long held sigh. He heard something moving about behind Jess. Then he saw Sam’s frame filling up the side of the screen. “Hey, Sam. Are you here to save me from all of Jess’ harassment?”

 

“Not likely. I am sure that it is all well-deserved.” Sam sat down next to Jess and she angled the computer a little to center it between them.

 

“Damn, no fair. Now it is two against one.” Cas laughed a little.

 

“Wish you were here, Cas. We miss you. Dean misses you too.” Sam looked sad. Cas couldn’t fix that.

 

“I wish that I knew what to do to make this easier. I don’t think that it can be easier. I miss him too. I miss all of you. Tell the gang that I miss them, will you?”

 

“I will. Do you want me to tell Dean too?”

 

“No. I don’t want him to hang on to this. He doesn’t need to hang on to this.”

 

“Do you ever think about coming back?” Sam wrapped his arm around Jess then, like the thought of this separation between Cas and Dean could infect them too if he didn’t hold on.

 

“Everyday, but I won’t.” He paused and added, “If it ever seems like Dean is ready to give up his mission there, and if he hasn’t found someone new, help him get to me.”

 

“He won’t stop ‘till this is done.” Sam muttered. “I wish he would, but he won’t.”

 

“Well, I need to get some rest. Lil and I have karate practice tomorrow.” Cas smiled. “Can you even picture it? Karate.”

 

“I bet she looks adorable in the uniform.” Jess smiled too.

 

“So, are you doing this too or is it just for Lil?” Sam asked.

 

“Both of us are doing this. It’s a little bonding thing. Plus, I kind of like the idea of a little training in self-defense tactics. Anyway, should we do this again next month?”

 

“Of course, silly. It could be sooner if you wanted.” Jess raised an eyebrow in another adopted Winchester move.

 

“For now, let’s stick with the month. I love you guys. Please tell Gabe, Uriel, and Anna that I miss them.”

 

“Will do,” Sam said. “Talk to you in a month.”

 

“Bye.” Cas clicked the x in the corner and shut off the chat. He felt like he was more depressed now than when he began the conversation. He wondered if he would ever stop questioning the decision. He wondered if it would ever really feel okay. Then the quiet muttering of Lil in her sleep drew him back into the house. He took a seat at her bedside and waited for the moment when he knew she would wake up. He waited by her side and wished that he could fix it all and wondered if he was fixing anything.

 

 


	5. Staccato, Dean

It wasn't like it was the first time that it had happened, but that fact did little to alleviate the guilt. Sometimes he wondered if he chose to live in certain ways so that he could wallow in his guilt, live in the depths of it, bathe in it until he was drowning. It is what I deserve. He told himself, whenever he started to question his choices. This choice too, was one that set him on a course. This choice made it damn near impossible for him to run off to Cas. Just chuck it all, make a new life, well, not now.

Anna's long red hair was a tangled mess beside him. Her face was pressed into the pillow, and her legs were stretched out over his own. He was preparing to get up. Normally, she would not still be here or he wouldn't. They did not have that kind of relationship. Their meet-ups were much more purposeful and temporary. In a rare moment of tenderness, Dean reached over and smoothed back her hair, remembering how it was his hand that tangled it up in a wild, desperate moment the night before. They had started in the cab. They always started in a cab. By the time they were in the apartment, their bodies were a mess of limbs and sweat and energy.

The first time that it had happened had been a few months after Cas had left. He beat himself up for it, for being so weak, so pathetic. They had been at a bar, of course. The whole group, minus Cas. It was an evening of nostalgia. They kept talking about him. Casual memories and stories that they held collectively. If he had known that the evening had been heading down that path, he might have reconsidered his early decision to attend. He had come for Sammy though. Sam had been sad the night before. He had tried to talk to Dean about it, but, for once, he failed at words just like Dean. He knew though, what Sam wanted to talk about. He knew how much he too cared about Cas. Dean thought that maybe Sam was trying to share something specific, but that he didn't know where to begin. Thus the failing communication. Thus Dean's desire to keep Sam company that night.

They all drank too much. Uriel and Gabe were nursing beers and playing pool. Sam was lingering with them. Eventually, Dean and Anna were squirreled away talking about Cas, about life, about stupid stuff that Dean didn't even remember anymore. Sam had called a cab for him, and he offered to share the fair with Anna. She lived closer to the bar, so they decided that he would stay at her place under the pretence of being closer to his car in the morning. As the cab drew closer to Anna's place, the vibe between them changed too. There had been a movement, subtle but clear in its intention. A joke had been made. Her hand had fallen on his thigh, lingered. Silence. A look. Then everything else.

He had left her place before sunrise. They didn't talk about it; it just was. He drank himself to sleep that night too. The hangover the following day was wicked and convinced him to curb his behaviors a little. He didn't see or speak with Anna again for nearly a month. Then a text came through. He replied. They met for beers after work. Beers turned into shots, turned into stories, turned into a cab ride to Anna's place again.

This was the way that he had made sure that he couldn't insert himself into Cas' world again. His actions were conscious and unconscious. Now, there was no chance that someone like Cas would want him. Cas would view this as a betrayal, because it was, is. Cas wasn't sleeping with any of Dean's friends. I don't have friends though, so there's that.

He wasn't entirely right, but that hardly mattered. What mattered was that Dean believed it, so the guilt and depression became the most present things in his day to day existence. His actions with Anna did not change his feelings for Cas; they just changed his level of hope. He had a bit of it once but not anymore.

He finally decided to disentangle himself from her and head over to the bathroom. They were at his place this time, so he felt less like a trespasser when he left the bed for another room. They had taken some time apart from each other after the last time. It had been months actually. He wondered what had prompted her to contact him. He always wondered. He never initiated any of the contacts. He just went along for the ride. He assumed that this last time came about because they had both been at Sam's place the night before. Information had been shared about Cas. This seemed to be the thing that often set the two of them off.

She had played off their connection at Sam's gathering. She had not wanted anyone to know that they had been together. He was fine with that. No sense dealing with that kind of conversation. He could just picture the looks that he would have to take from his brother and he shook his head as if to dislodge the stare down that was clear in his imagination.

He finished up in the bathroom and went back into the bedroom. Anna was up. She was dipped down at the side of the bed retrieving her clothes. "Hey, Dean. I'm heading out."

"Hmm. I guess I'll see you around." Dean saw her shirt on the other side of the bed. He went over to retrieve it for her. "Here, looking for this?"

"Thanks." She pulled it over her head. "Dean, what are we doing?"

"You tell me." Dean sat down on the edge of the bed and stared over at her.

"I was sad the first night and maybe a little lonely." She walked over and sat down next to him. "I don't know what is going on now. What is this for you?"

"You call. You text. I answer. This happens." Dean didn't want to sound cold, but it certainly came out that way. "I don't know what to tell you, Anna. This is not something that I was planning on doing."

"I guess that I just wanted to know what you felt about this? I know that you still love Cas. I just don't know what you think about us." She seemed to be uncomfortable asking.

"Cas has nothing to do with this." Dean shifted about a little.

"Cas has everything to do with this. We wouldn't have gotten together if it weren't for how much we were both missing him. I still miss him. I use to talk to him everyday, Dean. Everyday. Sometimes I have to stop myself, because I go to his office to talk. I still forget sometimes that he isn't there. Everyday I think things like, I wonder if Cas will go with me to lunch, or to some event or other. Then we had our little moment, and I forgot things for a bit. I found a distraction.

"Me too, I guess. Guilt is a pretty hefty distraction." Dean got up and started rummaging around in his dresser, looking for a pair of socks.

"I'm sorry, Dean. I want to believe that Cas would forgive us if he found out. I know that this isn't some kind of relationship. I just want to know how we deal with this. Is there an end or a plan at all in your head? I just need to make sure that we are on the same page." Dean came back over to the bed and sat back down. He put on his socks and seemed to be thinking through his response.

"We could just keep doing this. Why think about it too much, you know." Dean was trying to sound laid back.

Anna looked at him like she was seeing something else beneath his demeanor. "I don't think that this is good for you. I think that you are using me to beat yourself up. I think that when you are with me, that you are thinking of him, and that it is killing you." She got up and stood in front of him. She rested her hands on his shoulders. "You don't need to feel bad about it, Dean. I have been using you too. I really needed to stop hurting."

"Have you stopped hurting?" Dean could hardly look at her despite the fact that she was right in front of him.

"No, and I won't. I like you, a lot, Dean, but I think that maybe we need to stop doing this." Dean heard her, but she was sending out a different vibe with her body. He reached up to her and pulled her to him. She let him. He ran his hands down her sides and into her shirt. "I don't think that you were listening to me."

"I heard you." He kept up his movements. She let out a sigh and pulled his shirt off. And this was their relationship. Distraction, might be the better word. Neither one of them was happy, but at least for a few moments they could pretend to be, well, not happy, but at least, not alone.

Anna had left hours ago and his day had been full of nothing. He did research, but only half-heartedly. He cleaned up his place a little. He thought about the work day that he would be going into tomorrow. He was determined to get off of the desk duty. He was determined to get back to the case. He decided to work out a little. His leg needed to be in tip top shape if he was going to convince the doctor to sign off on his release form. He considered going for a run, but thought better of it. No sense in overdoing it. Instead he did some of the exercises that the physical therapist had prescribed. At least then I can say that I did them.

He spent an hour doing his exercises then rewarded himself with a microwave dinner and a beer. A job well-done. He plopped down at the dining room table with his meal and opened up his laptop across from him. He had too many tabs open on his browser and too many files open at once. He started sorting through them to gain some focus, closing the ones that he did not need. He clicked over to his email and saw a new message. It was from Sam. He opened it.

It was a forwarded message paired with a little note. I am forwarding you the message from Cas that I shared the other night. I think that you should have it because you will think about it and change it in your head. If you have it in front of you, then you won't be able to do that. Just so you know, he still loves you. Jess and I think that you are okay too. :)

Dean didn't want to revisit the message. It had been hard enough for him the first time when Sam had shared it, but of course, he did anyway. Cas had written one of those long letters that people sometimes did at the holidays. The kind where the family condenses a year's worth of activities into a single-paged light-hearted, humorous story. Cas was a good writer, and the group had laughed and smiled through the details.

Dean kept his emotions in check. He listened for the little details that he did not already know. Cas was careful though. He did not talk about people in his town by name, and he did not get too specific about their lives. He talked about how Lil got her next belt in karate. He talked about how great she was doing in school and how her teacher couldn't say enough nice things about her. He talked about himself only as it related to Lil and ended by saying how much he loved and missed everyone. It was more than Dean could handle. It felt too superficial and not at all like the kind of information that he really wanted. It didn't matter that he had Garth to feed him information. This information was coming directly from Cas, and it was lacking in substance. He had left Sam's gathering in a rush, making excuses. He had no need to rush off now, he only had to close the email. He couldn't though. He just kept rereading it, looking for more than was there.

He opened a new window in his email. He typed in Cas' email address. He wrote. I miss you. Always. And then he sent it. He immediately regretted it, but it was too late to fix it; the deed was done.

 


	6. Staccato, Cas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Staccato is a musical term that implies that each note will be separated and detached.

Dela and Lil were adding little sticks around the structures that they were putting up at the water's edge. They were beginning to look like tiny houses. The girls would bound back into the woods for more sticks and leaves, then back to the shoreline structures. The jogger was close now and he was slowing as he approached their property. Cas sipped at his cup of coffee and then reached down to the second mug at his feet and moved it over to the space on the step next to him that would soon be occupied.

Carter came to a stop near the girls. Dela and Lil both stopped working for a second to acknowledge his presence. "Hi Mr. Barrowman." They said in unison. Dela actually bounced over to give him a hug before bounding back to her work.

"Hi, girls. What are you making?" He stooped down and gave a close look at the structures.

"Fairy houses," said Lil. "Do you like them?"

"They look very nice." He smiled over at Lil and she smiled back. Then he turned his gaze to Cas and his smile deepened. He stood and walked over to the step. Cas didn't get up. This was their routine. Carter would jog most of the circuit. Cas' place was ideally located at the midpoint of the route, so it only made sense for him to stop there for a break. The routine had changed subtly over time. At first, Carter would just pause for a few moments if Cas and Lil were outside. He might exchange a few words with Cas then go on his way. Later, Cas had offered him a cup of coffee. You can't have a cup of coffee without sitting for a spell. So coffee and conversation became the routine. Cas couldn't remember when he had started anticipating the visits, or when he had started bringing out the coffee in advance of Carter's arrival, but it now was just a thing that was done.

"So, how's the week treating you, Carter?" Carter dipped down and took the mug into his hands, cradling it between his two palms like it was a baby bird.

"Hmm. Typical, I guess." He lowered himself down to the step. It was not a wide step by any stretch of the imagination, but the two of them sat there anyway. Cas wasn't sure how this had become the routine. They were rather close to each other. Actually, they were pressed right up against each other. It didn't feel awkward though, just close.

"What do you mean by typical?" Cas tipped his head to the side in his usual quizzical fashion. Carter smiled at the look. His brown eyes caught the light in an amiable way.

"You know. The kids come in and are adorable. I read to them, do the art thing, and head home for some quality me time." He looked back at the kids. "I'm just bored with my evenings, I guess. The days are good though."

"Hmm." Cas sipped on his coffee knowing that the conversation could go somewhere pretty specific if he allowed it to do so. He did not want to do that so he tried to redirect. "Do you think that you might need some parent volunteer work this week?"

Carter didn't answer right away. He seemed to be processing the move to a new topic. "Sure, are you offering your services?" He drank his coffee down in a couple of gulps, nearly finishing the contents.

"Sure. What did you have in mind?"

"I was thinking that you could help me with some of the after school stuff. I need to preview the movie at the theater and decide whether or not we are going to go there for the field trip. We read the book, so I hope that it will be fun. I also need to have their work filed to go home in their take home folders." Carter paused a moment to finish off the last dregs of his coffee. "You think that you might be up for any of that?"

"I can definitely do the filing." Cas avoided the movie part. It sounded like a date, and he was trying to keep the request from happening in a more direct way.

"So, filing it is then. No movie?" Carter sounded a little different when he asked the question. Almost like he felt a little let down.

"Nah, I don't do the babysitter thing with Lil, so it couldn't possibly work. Plus, I'll likely go with you as a chaperone, so I don't want the story to get spoiled." Cas smiled back at him and reached out for his mug. "Let me get you another cup of coffee."

"That's okay. I think that one cup will do." He handed Cas the mug anyway. "You know, you can always bring her with you to the movie. Then you wouldn't need a sitter."

"True, but then she would end up seeing it twice. It might make you seem like you are playing favorites." Cas stood with the mugs and Carter stood too.

"Maybe I am." He reached over and ran his hand up Cas' arm. Cas dipped his head a little to hide the color seeping into his cheeks.

"Mr. Barrowman." The girls called out in unison. "Come look at the fairy house. We finished it." Carter moved away from Cas and headed over to the girls. Cas walked into the house set the mugs in the sink and walked back to the front door. He peered out at Carter talking to Lil. He placed his hand on her head and smiled. She seemed comfortable with him. Cas liked that she was opening up more to people. Dr. Barnes' homework assignments and therapy seemed to be fixing much. He wondered if he should let himself get a little fixed up too. He watched as the girls did a little dance around the shore. Carter clapped his hands for them and then they came back to pull him into their frivolity.

Cas wondered how long he would go along with their play. He thought that maybe he should save him, let him get back to his run. Instead he leaned into the doorframe and just watched through the screen door. Sometimes he prayed, not to God or to angels, but he did pray. Usually, he sent out a thought or two to Meg. He would tell her some small detail about Lil, or he would tell her other random tidbits about his day. It had become a habit. He sent out a little prayer now, as he stood looking at the way the kids happily played with Carter.  _Looks like kids are my Achilles' Heel too, Meg._  Then somehow, that one thought triggered another thought, and he felt the overwhelming desire to look back at the evidence from Meg's hidden box. He had given the box and its contents to Dean, but he had kept pictures of the documents on his computer. It was odd to have that thought come out of nowhere after over a year of pushing aside all of that past.

He was about to start digging out his laptop when he looked back out the door at Carter and the girls. They were spinning around in their own version of ring around the rosies, chanting something about fairies.  _Clearly, I have to save you._  Cas thought as he caught Carter's eye, but then Carter broke away and strode over to Cas.

The girls kept up their dance as though Carter was never there. Cas stepped back from the door, further into his house as Carter mounted the steps. He reached out to the screen door, opened it, and slipped inside. He moved into Cas' space and pressed him against the wall. He did not wait for permission. He kissed Cas. At first Cas did not respond. He let the kiss happen, though. He let Carter run his hands up into his hair as he pressed closer to Cas' body. Cas was about to respond. Something in him wanted this. He was lonely. Carter was kind, attractive in that athletic way that would have been enough if he had only met him before. The thought invaded his mind,  _Dean._  It was impossible to respond to Carter with Dean on his mind. He stepped to the side and Carter released him.

"Did I misread you?" Carter tried to maintain contact, but Cas moved away more fully.

"A little." Cas couldn't look at him.

"A little?" Carter repeated the words, a whisper with an uptick in the tone.

"Yes, a little." Cas still couldn't look at him.

"What about the part that didn't misread you?" He reached out and cupped Cas' chin in his hand, forcing him to look into his eyes.

"I like you. You're great in every way, but."

"How did I know there was going to be a but in that sentence?" Carter didn't release Cas chin yet, but instead fell to running his thumb back and forth along his jawline.

"I'm in love with someone else." Cas reached up and gently lifted Carter's hand from his face. He kissed his fingers lightly in a kind of sympathetic move that caused Carter to pull away.

"I'm sorry Malcolm. I really thought that we were on the same page. Everything seemed to be clicking, you know." He was edging toward the door.

"I hope that this doesn't make things awkward." Cas followed Carter out the door.

"How could it not? Don't take this the wrong way, but I will likely not be seeing you for a bit. Man's gotta have some dignity." He sent a wry half smile Cas' way and then stalked out the door away from him. The slap of the screen door punctuated the departure. A few steps from the porch and he began his jog again, away from Cas. The girls called out goodbye and he sent back a casual wave over his head without turning back. Cas felt bad. He felt like he had made a mistake.

He felt like he was bumbling through the rest of his day. He eventually drove Dela home. He made dinner for he and Lil. He played a game of  _Sorry_ with her before bed. As he tucked her into bed he thought of the week's homework assignment from Pamela. He reached over to Lil's nightstand and flipped over the notecard.

* * *

Homework: Share your best memory of Lil's mom each night before bed. Each person tells a short story about her. Report out at our next meeting.

Pamela Barnes

* * *

"So do you want to tell a story first or should I?" Truth be told, Cas was running out of stories. He talked too much on the first nights and felt like he was running out of things to say that were only good. The two of them had some pretty awful moments together toward the end.

Lil yawned and said, "We went on a vacation once. I got tan."

Cas smiled down at her. He hadn't heard this story. She never shared about much that was big. It was always some little domestic tale. Some of her stories were starting to sound foggy, like she was mixing up vague details from the past with things that she and Cas had experienced in their new town. Memories are funny like that, especially for kids. "Where did you go on vacation?"

"We went to Mexico. Mom's job sent her there for free, a reward or something like that. She didn't have to work when we were there. We went to the beach and to shops that had a bunch of neat stuff. I got Dolly Mad there." She was referring to her well-loved, yet thoroughly mangled looking old doll. Cas thought that the name was supposed to be some sort of a reference to Dolly Madison, the former first lady, but that seemed odd. Regardless, the doll did look mad. It had once had curly dark hair on its head, but now it just had frizz. Its dress was a patchwork of dirt and off-white lace. The body was stuffed cloth. The face was porcelain. She had it in her arms each night as she went to sleep. He had worried once that she would break it during one of her night terrors, but miraculously, that hadn't happened. She did not have night terrors anymore, so he was less worried now about the prospect of the doll breaking and cutting her.

"How long did you get to stay there?"

"A long, long time. Maybe a month."

"Really? That seems like a long time. You sure it wasn't just a week or two?"

She looked at him and said, "What do I know? I'm just a kid." She giggled a little. It was something that they said sometimes to each other, only Cas would say  _What do I know? I'm just an old man._  He laughed at her and wondered, not for the first time, how he could have such a wonderful creature to call his own.

"Maybe we should go somewhere like that for our next vacation." Cas thought back to their summer vacation. It had been a homework assignment from Pamela. She had told them to go somewhere touristy for a week, someplace new to both of them. This led them to Disneyland. It was their first time out of Jacksonville since they had moved there. Cas wasn't sure which mode of transportation to take on the vacation. He had picked up an old jeep from a local man. The price was right, when he bought it in the winter. The Triumph was not a good mode of transportation during the snowy season. When they planned their trip, he considered taking the bike, but he couldn't see a way to tie down their suitcases, so the jeep won.

"Maybe we should go back to Disneyland again. I can get a tan there." Lil pasted on a smile and a look that was pure child charm.

"Are you trying to look all cute so that I do your bidding?"

She laughed at him. "Yep. So, Disneyland?" She tilted her head like Cas sometimes did.

"You are manipulative, my little munchkin." He reached down and tickled her sides, wiping the goofy expression from her face as she burst into a more uncontrolled bit of laughter.

"Dad!" She twisted about laughing. Cas stopped and chuckled at her.  _Great job, Cas now you have her all wide awake. Oh, well._

"Sorry. I just saw tickle ribs and couldn't stop myself." He loomed toward her again, but didn't tickle her.

"So, Disneyland?" She was determined; he had to give her that.

"I don't think that I can compete with Mexico. That sounds like it was really fun." It was the beginning of a redirect.

"It was, mostly fun." Her look changed. He wondered if he should pursue it. These stories were supposed to be light and happy.

He pursued it though, "What do you mean when you say  _mostly fun_?" She looked at him funny when he asked. "I mean, was some of it not fun?"

"Just the end."

"Because you didn't want to leave?"

"No. A man came to see us. Mom didn't like him. He tried to talk to me at the beach, but mom stopped him, and we left right after." Lil was curling up a little on herself beneath the blankets. The happy vibes of a few moments ago seemed to be slipping away.

He didn't want to stir up too much, but he wanted to, no, needed to know. "Who was he? What did he say to you?"

"I don't really remember." She was smoothing Dolly Mad's frizz with her hand, but it would not be tamed. "He sounded funny. He was hard to understand."

"Did he speak Spanish?"

"No. He just sounded funny, different. He wasn't tan like everyone else. He had blonde hair like mine."

"Hmm." Cas wondered how much he should pursue this. It sounded important. "What did your mom say to him?"

"She was angry. She told him to get away from me. She told me to get behind her. He didn't do anything. He just said that it was good to see us. He told mom that he hadn't seen her since she was a baby."

"I wonder how he randomly came across you two on a beach in Mexico. That seems odd." The question wasn't really for Lil, but he said it out loud none the less.

"He said that he was the one that got us the vacation." Lil looked confused. "I always thought that he was lying though because mom said that it was a vacation that work got us."

"And you don't remember him saying who he was? Or maybe your mom said who he was."

"He said he was family, I think. Mom didn't want to talk about him. I asked her stuff, but she just ignored me and packed us up to leave."

"Did he follow you back to the hotel?"

"No. Mom was watching everything, though. She didn't like him. When we got home, she told me that if I ever saw him, that I had to tell her right away. I never saw him. Mexico is really far away, so I don't think that he will be around." Cas could see her eyes slowly drooping.

He leaned down and kissed her cheek. "That's true. Mexico is pretty far away, but if you do ever see him, tell me. I am curious about this mystery person." He tried to shift the tone to something less scary in his last sentence.

"Ummhuh." Lil muttered out her agreement as sleep started to wash over her. Cas got up and slowly walked out of the room.


	7. Détaché, Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Détaché is the act of playing notes separately.

His sleep the night before had been horrible. He drank more than he should have and woke up to a hangover. His head was swimming, and he had a meeting with the physical therapist that he needed to deal with.  _Get it together Winchester. Fuck, fuck, fuck._  He stumbled around his apartment, trying to focus on the basic tasks of getting dressed for work. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He opened them back up quickly, "Now that was no bueno." The world was spinning a little.

After he got dressed he made his way into his kitchen. There would need to be coffee, copious amounts of coffee. He overloaded the machine with grounds.  _This will be life saving, world fixing mud._  His little world was still a bit dizzy. He set the coffee to brew and looked over at his laptop on the table. He did not want to look into it. He worried over what the message had done the night before.  _What if there is a message from Cas?_  Worse yet,  _What if there isn't?_  He sucked in a breath and walked over to the laptop. He opened it and started up his email. No new messages. He felt his muscles ease up a little. The tension that was possessing him slipping away a little.  _Better than wondering if he still cared._

He closed the lid a little roughly and marched back into the kitchen for coffee. He drummed the counter rapidly, feeling the drag of time pulling at his patience. The burbling and dripping of the machine was tapping at his nerves.

He pulled out his travel mug, and when the coffee finished it's brewing cycle, he quickly filled it. His phone buzzed on the counter. He snatched it up with his one free hand and looked at the message. It was from Sam.  _Don't be mad Dean. Let's talk._ Dean tipped his head back as if he were asking the heavens, why.  _Does everything have to be discussed in such exhausting detail? God, Sam._  So what if he stormed off from Sam's house. So what if he didn't reply to the email. It doesn't mean that he is mad or in need of a Sam Winchester therapy session.

Dean closed the phone back up and slipped it into his pocket. He didn't need to talk. He walked past the hall mirror and finally got a good look at himself.  _Oh, God._ The side of his neck was sporting a tell tale sign of last night's activity. He decided to add his coat to his day's attire despite the likelihood of a warm day. He pulled up the collar. It almost covered the hickey at the base of his neck.  _God, Anna. What are we teenagers?_  He couldn't really be mad though, since he did nothing to stop it when it was happening.

He glanced back at the clock knowing that he would be late if he didn't leave now. The ribbing he would receive from his colleagues might be avoided if he could just keep to himself.

* * *

The meeting with the doctor went well, surprisingly well. He carried in his hand the note that said he was all clear. He had every intention of marching right into Jorge's office the moment he got to the station.

The universe had different plans. Jorge was at his desk instead, "A little birdy told me that you got the all clear from Dr. K."

"Wow, news travels fast." Dean smirked. Jorge slapped him on the back and motioned to his office.

"I can only say good timing." Dean tilted his head to the side.

"What's up?" They entered his office and Dean noticed that they were not alone.

The woman seated at the side of Jorge's desk stood a little timidly and approached him. She extended a hand to him. "You must be Mr. Winchester."

"Yes, and you are?" He shook her hand, and Jorge directed them both to a seat before closing the office door. Jorge walked over to his desk and took a seat as well.

"This is Emma Wesson. She came in today to share some information that she said will interest you a great deal." Jorge nodded over at her and said, "So, why don't you tell Mr. Winchester, here, your story. And, like I said before, you don't need to worry. He is trustworthy."

Emma looked familiar. She was older, maybe fortyish. Her hair was a mousey brown color with grey highlights at her temples and along her part. She looked tired, her eyes framed with tiny wrinkles that showed up when she squinted over at Dean. "Well, I must begin by telling you what I told Mr. Ruiz here. I'll deny everything that I am about to tell you if it leaves this room. I can't risk my family. It's the reason that I haven't spoken out before. I was told that I should seek you out, tell you my story. I wouldn't even tell Mr. Ruiz the story."

She looked steadily at Dean, waiting for an acknowledgement. He nodded and said, "Okay. Who sent you to me?"

"That's not important. What is important is what I know." She paused for a moment and Dean nodded again in encouragement. "So, I was a juror about a year and a half ago. It was the Brady case that you may have seen in the news." She waited for Dean to show that he was following. He tilted his head to the side, processing the information. He was more than following. He knew why her face had looked familiar. She was in M's file box. He had seen her face staring up at him from the photograph numerous times, but now she looked back at him, older and far more troubled.

"You were the forewoman. Am I correct?"

She looked startled by his knowledge. "Yes."

"I have been working a case that is possible connected to that trial. Please proceed. You have my full attention."

She began again, this time with less stumbling. "Like I was saying, I was a juror, and the case seemed to be going down a predictable path. Mr. Brady seemed to be guilty. The fraud was obvious. The night before the verdict, though, everything changed. A man came to my house in the night. He threatened my son and my daughter. He injected my daughter with something. He said that if we found Mr. Brady innocent, then he would visit us again with an antidote. I tried to explain that I was only one person, that there were other jurors. He said that the others were being visited too. I didn't realize it at the time, but we all had children. It's odd that not a one of us was childless."

"What happened to your child? Did he come back?" Dean leaned forward in his seat.

"He did. Margaret is fine. It was scary though, for all of us. To this day, we don't know what they did to our kids."

"Would you recognize the man if you saw a picture of him?"

"Yes, I'll never forget his face. He was sitting next to Lucky Crowley in the back of the courthouse, watching us as we turned in the verdict."

"Did you have any dealings with Mr. Crowley?" Dean was trying to connect the dots, but he wasn't quite seeing it all.

"No, I have never met him. I have not seen him since the night that he cured my daughter. I worried that she would have something in her now, something that would linger and kill her later. I took her to specialists, and they said that she was fine. I'm not sure if they would see it though. They injected her with something special, something new."

"Now, don't take this the wrong way, but why come forward now?" Jorge interjected. He looked down at his phone and then flipped it over on his desk.

"I live in fear everyday that he'll come back, finish the job. I have panic attacks just from going outside. It is constant. I have to do something." She covered her face in her hands and seemed to shake into sobs.

Dean looked over at Jorge and seemed to ask,  _what now._  "Ms. Wesson, do you have any proof of what happened?"

She looked up and said, "No. What proof could I have?"

Dean stood up. "Wait here a sec." He stepped out of the room and went to his desk. He rummaged around in the drawers for a few moments before coming upon the right folder. He pulled it out and went back to Jorge's office. He walked over to Emma while pulling out a picture. "Is this the man that came to your home?" He held out the picture to her.

She leaned away from it the moment that he presented it to her. "Yes, yes. That is him." Dean turned with the picture toward Jorge and showed him who it was.

"Hmm, that guy gets around a lot for a dead man," Jorge said.

"Well, he wasn't dead then." Dean said with derision. "And his brother certainly isn't dead. This could be just the break we needed in this case."

"I don't see how." Jorge was looking back and forth between Dean and Emma. "If we have no evidence, it will just be her word against, well frankly, I am not even sure whose."

"Lucky's maybe. I don't know, but there is something here." Dean reached over to the table and flipped over one of Jorge's business cards. He scrawled his name and number on the back and said to her, "Take this. If you think of anything else or if you see anything out of the ordinary, call me, day or night."

She took the card and nodded to him. "Thank you for believing me. I didn't think that anyone would." She stood and carefully slipped the card into her purse. Jorge came around and shook her hand and so did Dean.

"We'll be in touch." Jorge said as he led her out the door. He came back to Dean and said, "So, are you on this?"

"I am, but I don't know what to do with the information. You said that it was going to be impossible to prove anything."

"Well, that's where you get to try to use some of that Winchester magic. Get out there. Look into it. Tell me what you find." He clapped Dean on the back, directing him toward the door. "Welcome back to the real world. Go get us a bad guy." Dean smiled at that and headed out the door.


	8. Détaché, Cas

_To sleep, perchance to dream._  Cas thought as he left Lil's room. Thoughts of her blonde haired relative floating around in his head. He had planned to do a little research, but his head was already swimming with exhaustion. He had not done anything too grand during the day, but tomorrow was going to be epic. The sheer coordination that he would have to employ to make everything happen when it should was taxing while at the same time comforting. He liked having easy to follow patterns and expectations.

He curled up into his bed and stared up at the richly colored wood slats that made up his ceiling. He thought about the pattern that would be tomorrow. He would wake up and get Lil off to school. He would then go to the legal aid office. After a few hours there, he would be able to justify a lunch break. He would next find himself in the Music Depot for his afternoon lesson with Julia. After school, he planned to drag Lil back to the Music Depot where he intended to help Nelly, the owner, set up for the little recital that she had the kids put on for the parents each year. Some of his students would be in it, so he was a little nervous about the way that they would be received.

All in all, it seemed like it would be a very full day. His phone was on the nightstand beside his bed. The message light was flashing so he turned it on to check it. He had only given out the number to a couple of people, so he didn't have to wonder too hard about who had texted him. It was from Carter.

Will you still be coming in tomorrow to file the kid's work?

He sent off a quick reply. Yes. Unless you would rather that I didn't.

He wasn't sure if Carter would feel too uncomfortable. He planned to talk with him. Truth be told he felt guilty about the way that things had gone that day. He hadn't exactly encouraged the advance, but he hadn't discouraged it either.

Of course I want you to show up. Less work for me.  _Clearly, he was trying to lighten the mood._

Well, then I will be there. I think that skipping parent volunteer hours is the sure path to Hell. :)

You volunteer more than the others.

I enjoy it.

I'm sorry about earlier.

Don't be.

I am.

We should talk, but not right now. I need sleep.

Okay. I have literally spent all day beating myself up for my behavior. I was pretty worried that you wouldn't want to talk with me again.

Well, I am still talking with you, and I don't see that changing. Now let me sleep. Some of us have to work tomorrow.

What are you implying? I work way harder than you. ;)

Ha, you get to play with kids. ;)

You suck.

Wow, language.

On that note, I guess I'll see you tomorrow afternoon.

Cas typed in his goodbye, glad that things seemed to be a little smoothed over. He wondered how much he could explain. He wondered if he could talk about Dean without revealing too much.

He closed his eyes against the night and let his mind drift off over the next day and into dreams.

* * *

Getting Lil off to school was the easiest part of the day. He decided to take the Triumph. He and Lil strapped on their helmets and climbed on. She had her little backpack on, all filled with her kindergarten paraphernalia. He dropped her off with a quick kiss and just enough time to spare for a stop off at his usual coffee haunt.

Garth was leaning against the counter his usual bored expression full on his face. He looked up at the sound of the door and saw Cas. "Hey, Malcolm." He seemed to visibly brighten as Cas walked up to place his order.

"Hey yourself. How was your weekend?" They had a comfortable banter that caused Cas to count Garth among his small handful of local friends. He was, perhaps, one of his first friends here in Jacksonville.

"Eh, you know. The usual. I did take in a movie."

"Really. What did you see?" Cas pulled out a couple of bills and plunked them on the counter as Garth got his coffee and muffin ready. He never had to explicitly state his order, Garth already knew it.

"Oh, it was a midnight showing of  _An American Werewolf in London._  They're doing a bunch of oldies this month. Mostly horror, kinda in honor of Halloween." Garth came around the counter with his own coffee and joined Cas at one of the tables. The place was pretty empty. Most of the morning crowd would have already headed off to work.

"I never pegged you for a horror fan. You seemed kind of like a drama guy." Cas smiled across the table and then sipped at his coffee.

"Yeah, I'm not, much for horror, but this one's different. I remember seeing it when I was younger. I was on an amazing date with this girl, and this movie is all tied up in that memory for me."

"What happened with the girl?"

"Life. I was young. We both just moved on. No big." Garth gulped down a bit of the coffee. He looked a little like a sad dog. His eyes were overly large and when he wasn't paying attention, his mouth hung down in a lazy droopy way. Cas found him endearing, but certainly not attractive.

"You coming to the recital later?" Cas redirected.

"Yeah, Nelly asked me to man the lighting and the sound board."

"Nice. I am a little nervous about it." Cas picked at his food a little. The carrot muffin was pocked now with missing chunks that had gone into his mouth.

"Why? I hear that you have done some great stuff with your students."

"It's easy to earn that reputation when you don't have to show it off to anyone."

"You'll do fine. Stop worrying."

"Today is going to be like that. Just worry, worry, worry."

"Just the recital, or do you have something else plaguing you?" Garth leaned forward with the question, balancing his elbows on the table with his coffee mug cupped between his hands.

"Hmm. To share or not to share, that is the question." Cas gulped down the last of the coffee, unhappy with the fact that he could no longer hide behind the mug.

"Whatever, Shakespeare, dish." Garth laughed at him.

"So, I am going to be completely vague here, but just go with it okay." Cas waited for Garth's nod then continued. "So someone may have kissed me yesterday, and I kind of rebuffed that advance. Now I have to try to be all,  _no big deal, let's be friends, and stuff_  without sounding like a complete jerk."

"Who was it?"

"Nope. You don't get that detail." Cas didn't want to out Carter as he was pretty sure that he was not big on the sharing of his private life. Plus, withholding his name felt less gossipy.

"Let me guess, Carter?" Garth bored into his head with his stare, trying to read him, but Cas was good at covering.

"Guess all you want, you won't get anything out of me."

"Well, it had to be him. He's the only one that you spend any time with really. Well, you hang with me, but I know that I wasn't busting a move." He laughed at Cas a little. "You don't have to admit that it was him, but I totally know."

"I'm not admitting anything. Anyway, now I have to make sure to keep things all comfortable and such."

"Are you actually uninterested? I mean, why not go for it?"

"I love somebody else." Cas thought about ending the conversation with a swift excuse, but he didn't. He just continued to pick at the last of the muffin.

"That's legit. Did you tell Carter that?"

"I told the person that kissed me that. By the way smooth." Cas laughed at Garth's attempt to trick him.

"You know me, smooth like Sunday morning."

"Are Sunday mornings smooth?"

"Totally, Mal, totally." Garth leaned back to show just how laid back he could be. The door opened and in walked a new customer. Garth got up. "Well, duty calls. Talk to you later."

Cas got up and headed out the door with a wave. "See you tomorrow."

* * *

Cas walked out of the coffee house and crossed the street over to the legal aid office. He believed that he would have two appointments to keep before he could head over to the school for his volunteer hour in Lil's class.  _Or maybe I will just have to get done later._ He walked in through the tall glass doors into a spacious lobby filled with old leather sofas and glass coffee tables. His first appointment was sitting there waiting for him.

"Hey Mr. Jameson. You're early." Cas walked past the couch and added, "You want to follow me back to my office?"

"Sure, Malcolm. Thanks for seeing me today." He was a tall man with weathered skin. He had a small ranch on the edge of town. He boarded horses and he sold them too. He was currently having issues with a couple of families in town. Turned out that they wanted to board their horses at Jameson's place, but when they eventually grew tired of being horse owners they tried to pay him for the boarding by just giving him their horses.

The office that Cas was working in was small and could barely be called more than a closet. He set down his bag and the two of them took their seats. Jameson laid out the details of the boarding agreement, showed Cas the contracts, and the printed emails that lead to the current situation. "So, have they offered up any other alternatives, like selling the horses to pay you?"

"Oh, no. They seem to think that this would be too much work for them. Guess that it is not too much work for me though. So, how do we proceed?" His voice was harsh like crushed rocks in a blender.

"I'll draft up a letter for you and we may be looking at you going to the small claims court. In the meantime, we can minimize your losses by trying to sell the horse. You can put up a couple of ads and see what comes of it."

"Shouldn't be my responsibility."

"True, but you don't want to get stuck with too much of a bill here. Small claims court will only get you so much." Jameson nodded at Cas' assessment and agreed to the plan that Cas had laid out for them. He left, seemingly satisfied.

His next appointment was with Bridget and her current husband Tom. They were negotiating their divorce. It was mostly amicable. Cas felt like he was only there to act as a friendly audience member in their on-going act. He had drawn up some of their preliminary agreements and after each meeting he would have to go back and do it all again. He wondered if they were purposefully drawing it all out.  _Likely_.

He got them out by a quarter to twelve and felt a sense of satisfaction at his speedy work. Next up, lunch and a mad dash to the Music Depot.

* * *

The store had a stage like set-up along the back wall and Nelly was already having her guys move the furnishings around so that she could accommodate the rows of folding chairs. "Hey Nelly." Cas called over the stacks of furnishings. "How am I supposed to have lessons with all of this going on?"

"Oh, hey, Malcolm. I know, it's crazy huh?" She turned away from him with a swish of her long grey hair. Her slender figure floated away from him like she was hearing music in her head even now. She called back over her shoulder though, "You're a smart man though. I'm sure that you'll figure it out."

Cas saw Julia sitting off to the side with her music books on her lap. She wanted to go over her piece about two hundred times before tonight's recital. She had a free period at the school which gave her about forty-five minutes to play her music. She was nervous. She asked Cas to play the song first, so that she could take it in. She was fidgeting nervously while Cas sat at the piano. She was thirteen, a young freshman at the local high school. Cas remembered the first time that they had worked together. She would not play the piano if he was too obviously looking at her. It took weeks to get to a comfortable place, but now she trusted him.

She pulled her hoodie up over her head and sat on the piano bench next to him. Tonight was a big deal for her. She wanted to push herself. She picked a song from Lady Gaga and she intended to sing it too. Cas had said that it would be enough to just play the song. She shouldn't feel like she had to go all in, but secretly he was pretty happy. She was talented, and her voice was shockingly good. She decided to play the song "Speechless" and Cas had come to know the song quite well over the course of their many practices. Even Lil had started humming along and eventually singing the lyrics at some of their practices.

He played through the song, and she sang a little at his side, quiet at first, then louder. The next pass through and she took over the playing too. Cas sat back and smiled. Her hoodie had fallen back while she was playing, revealing her pale, angular features, framed by her dark black hair. The edges of her hair were colored a fiery red today. Sometimes she changed it up. Cas thought that the red was a good sign, like she was picking a color that made her stand out. She looked over at him. "Well, what do you think?" She pulled the hood back up over her head.

"Obviously, I love it. You are absolutely ready for tonight." He smiled and said, "You've got time for one more run through before I have to go to Lil's school. You want to give it one last try before tonight?"

She looked at the keys then at Cas. "How 'bout a duet?"

"I'm not the one that is going to be on stage tonight, so I hardly see the point in that."

"Well, it will set me at ease, so you should just do this for me." She threw a half smile his way.

"Now, how could I say no to that?" He smiled back and he raised his hands to the keys.

He played out the notes and Julia began the song. In the second verse she stopped singing and took over the playing. Cas sang out the lyrics. They did a kind of back and forth thing with the lyrics, singing together when they hit the chorus. Their voices worked well together, and they didn't notice the way that the room around them had grown quiet during their duet. When they finished, Cas looked out at the quiet room and saw that Nelly and all of her helpers had stopped working to listen to them perform.

"That was amazing, you two. Will we hear that again tonight?" Nelly positively beamed at them.

"Well," Cas started, "You will get to hear Julia here. I am going to send out positive vibes from the audience."

Julia was gathering her music book off of the piano and her messenger bag from the floor. "He is good, huh? I don't think that he knows it." She said to Nelly.

"I know. It is weird how talented people sometimes just don't see it." Nelly replied with a look over at Cas that seemed to say more. "You are quite good, Julia. I look forward to hearing you again tonight."

"I hate to sing and run, ladies, but I have to get to Lil's school for my volunteering commitments. I'll see you all back here tonight."

"Bye, Malcolm." They said in unison as he gathered his stuff and rushed off.

* * *

Lil's classroom was filled with song today. He walked in to the tune of  _Chica Chica Boom Boom_ being sung by the pile of kindergarteners and Carter. Carter gave him a little nod as Cas slipped into the back of the room where the folders and papers were stored.

He began filing all of the little drawings and adorable papers filled with child printing. He ran a hand slowly over one of Lil's pieces and saw that she had drawn a picture of him at their house. It made him happy to see the smiles on their characters. She was doing so well here. He could see her finally losing some of the old fears that had so consumed her life before. He hadn't noticed the end of the kid's song until there was a presence at his side. He looked down. "Hey, munchkin. Are you supposed to be back here?" He bent down and scooped her into a hug despite any possible rule breaking that was taking place.

"It's okay. Mr. Barrowman said I could. You like my picture?" Cas stood back up and looked at the picture that he had been admiring.

"Of course. It's great. This one's definitely going on the wall."

"I gave you a green shirt, because you said that it was your favorite color." She smiled at him before turning to go back to her seat. "Make sure that you say goodbye before you leave."

"Silly, you are going to leave with me when I go."

"Oh, is it that late?"

"Yes, now go back to class, while I finish this." He shooed her away and she laughed at him.

Carter came over and stood next to him as he filed. "So, how are you doing?"

Cas laughed a little. "Well, if you are going to hover while I file these, I will have to wonder what my purpose is." He cast a glance next to him at Carter's face. He looked a little too serious. Small wrinkles appeared at the corners of his eyes, giving him a slightly older look. His blonde hair was getting a little long and was falling just a bit in front of his face.

"Oh, well, I'll just let you get back to it. Sorry." He started to walk away, but Cas caught his arm.

"I was joking. I would like to think that we can still do that." Carter looked down at Cas' hand on his arm and Cas suddenly felt like he was invading Carter's personal space a little too much. "Sorry." He dropped his hand.

"No, I'm sorry. I just seem to be determined to make us awkward." He shuffled about a little.

Cas reached back out to him, resting his hand back on Carter's arm. "Let's just try to forget about the other day, okay? I don't want you to feel weird about it. I want us to be able to still talk and such. I would miss that if you just up and disappeared on me."

Carter looked at him, and it was a sad look that Cas read in his eyes before he spoke. "Okay, Mal. I'm not going anywhere." He looked over at the kids and seemed to realize that he needed to get back to them. "Well, actually I am going to have to leave you now. Oh, the irony." He forced the smile, and Cas laughed at him a little as he left with a mock bow. Maybe it won't take so much work to repair this friendship.


	9. Duets, Dean

He had heard the sound of the crash before he had fully left Jorge's office. It was right in front of the station. He and the other officers in the main room ran over to the window to see the accident below. A large, dark blue Dodge Ram had hit a person. He left the window in a rush and, taking the stairs two at a time found himself out on the street. The truck had already slammed away from the scene. Several officers were checking the woman that lay bloody on the street. Dean looked down at her face and saw that it was Emma. "Goddamn it!" He did not linger. He ran over to his car and tore off in the direction that he thought that the truck had gone.

The Impala's tires screeched around the first corner as he overcorrected a little. He pulled out his phone and called Jorge. Jorge answered on the first ring. "Where the Hell did you go?"

"I'm going after him. I saw the truck and I am going to find it."

"I've put out the call. Be careful, and call in if you see anything." Jorge hung up then and Dean tossed the phone on the seat next to him. He was driving on instinct; he couldn't possibly figure out where the truck had gone. He just knew that it couldn't have gotten far yet.

"Come on, come on. Just once let's have something work out." Dean prayed out to no one in particular. He was starting to lose the adrenaline that had made him drive off, and reason was starting to take over. He considered the neighborhood that he was in. He slowed down and made his way outside of town. He wasn't sure why, but he thought that he might have some luck driving toward Niveus. So he did.

The warehouse that Dean had worked at over a year ago sat at the edge of the city. It was not their primary place of business. This was just one of their many buildings used to store their products. It was a hub of shipping and receiving that Dean had thought would get him closer to the truth concerning what had happened to his mom. It hadn't worked, and Dean felt no closer to the truth than he had all those years ago when it all first began. Two steps forward, two steps back. "Shit, shit, shit. Why didn't I send someone with Emma?" He was angry with himself. Of course they would be watching her. Of course they would do this. Stupid. Just fucking stupid.

He stopped the car just outside of the lot that spanned the entire front end of the Niveus building. He squinted out at the lot, eyes drifting over the rows of cars. He didn't see any large blue Rams. He wondered if his instincts were wrong. He waited a few more minutes and then pulled away from his spot. He drove through the industrial sector that surrounded Niveus. There were other large buildings in the neighborhood that had the same purpose, shipping and receiving or manufacturing.

Dean found himself circling back along a side route that took him past Stiel Pharmaceuticals' warehouses. They had a very similar set-up to Niveus as they were once the same company. There had been some talk of them coming back together again, but Dean hadn't spent much time concerning himself with that. He did consider though, that it might matter that this was Brady's baby. He had been with this company since the split, and Emma had sat on his trial as the jury foreperson. He pulled off to the side of the road and looked over the cars in the lot. He did not see what he was looking for, but somehow he knew that he wouldn't. It would be somewhere close though, he thought. He got out of the car and considered his next move. His eyes darted over the surrounding buildings. Some looked abandoned, while others had signs of occupation, the occasional person coming in or going out. He looked out past the far buildings that lined the edge of the Stiel lot. There were several portables at the edge, nearly out of sight. Dean reached back into his car and retrieved his binoculars from the glove box.

Out past the last portable was a back entrance with a graveled driveway. And there, Dean spotted a blue truck. Maybe the blue truck. He got into the car and called Jorge. He got his voicemail. "I think that I see the truck. I am going to check it out." He added the approximate address too and started driving along the road that wrapped around the back of the main building. He knew that he should wait for backup, but he didn't want to lose the opportunity.

He drove right up to the vehicle. It appeared to be empty. He got out of his car and pulled out his gun. He edged along the side of the vehicle, peeking into the high windows. It was empty. He rounded the front corner and saw the evidence of the crash in the bumper. There was blood and a little denting. He crept over to the portable and hunched down beneath the window. He looked inside and saw no one. Then a man started walking over from across the lot, carrying a bucket that was sloshing out water and soap. He stopped when he saw Dean, then he dropped the bucket and ran.

Dean was not a fan of running. He sometimes wished that he could tag out with Sam during these little moments. Sam loved a good run. He sucked it up though and darted off after the guy. He was fast and wiry. Dean was not catching up with him. Dean did not get a good look at his face either. He could hear the sound of distant sirens. Apparently, Jorge had gotten the voicemail. He rounded the corner of the building and nearly collided with the man. He swung out at Dean and connected with his jaw. The force of the blow was sufficient enough to knock him back to the ground. the edges of his vision became black. The last thing that he saw was a familiar face dipping down over his own, hands lifting him just slightly. "Good to see you again, Mr. Winchester." Then he heard the sound of cars, sirens, and his body was falling back to the ground.

He came to with a paramedic leaning into his personal space. Jorge was standing off to the side. "Nice of you to wake up, Sleeping Beauty."

"Yeah, maybe I was waiting for true love's kiss." Dean smirked over at him and Jorge laughed.

"Well, you weren't getting that from me. Glad to see you still have your humor."

"Did you get him?"

"No. There wasn't anyone here when we found you. Did you get a good look at him?" Jorge came closer.

"It was A's brother." Dean grunted and sat up. The paramedic tried to push him back down, but Dean brushed him aside. "Enough of that." He eased away from the ambulance.

"Maybe you should let them take you in for a check-up."

"No, I am fine. He just caught my jaw." Dean rubbed the area a little.

"Well, regardless, I am sending you home. You need to take it easy. We can go over this tomorrow. I'll put out the picture and brief the others on it." He guided Dean over to the car and motioned two of the officers nearby. "I want one of you to follow Dean and the other to drive him home. He is in no condition to be driving himself. See to it that he makes it home safely, then keep an eye on his place." He turned to Dean then, "I'm not taking any chances."

Dean smiled at him, "Thanks Jorge, but it is really unnecessary. I'm a big boy and I can take care of myself."

"Clearly." Jorge motioned back at the area around them.

"I almost had him, Jorge. So close." Dean did as he was told, and although he did not want to hand off the keys to the Impala, he did it anyway too.

Dean decided to add to the notes that he had been accumulating on the Niveus case. Now he wondered why Al would feel comfortable parking over at Stiel when he had been working with his brother at Niveus.

Dean had several documents open and as the evening progressed he decided to open his email. There was a very new message from Cas. He looked down at the time; it was 10:30. Cas had sent the email just a few minutes ago. He opened it and read it. It contained a link and a single line of directions. Click the link so that we can talk. Dean hovered for a second. He could tell that the link would take him to a video chat. He recognized the url. He smoothed a hand over his face and back into his hair. He could feel his breathing. Funny how something that one can usually ignore becomes so much more palpable in moments of stress.

He thought about seeing him again. He closed his eyes and pictured his face. He thought about the two pictures that he had of Cas and how he stared out at him from them each time that Dean looked at them. He pictured his face just inches from his own. He imagined the way that he would feel if he were here right now. He moved a hand up to his lips and thought about the last kiss and the kiss before and the one before that. He did not know if he could take it, seeing him this way, so far away and unattainable.

At least I have news. He should know what happened today. He worried that he was just justifying his choice. Doesn't matter.

He took a deep breath, held it, and clicked the link.


	10. Duets, Cas

The recital looked like it would be packed. Julia was already nervous backstage. She was pacing and rubbing her hands down her pants to dry the sweat that she perceived there. Cas walked over to one of his other students, a young boy named Paul. He was not nervous at all. He was pretty excited about his upcoming performance. His mom and dad were in the front row with their cameras ready.

Even Lil and her school friend Dela had small pieces to play for the audience. Cas had started out as Lil's teacher, but he quickly decided that they needed to have a little separation in that relationship. After each practice they would go home bad tempered with each other. Lil did not like the way that Cas seemed to become a whole different person when he taught the piano, and Cas didn't like the way that she would get so easily distracted, needing so many repeated directions.

So it was only logical that that she become one of Nelly's students. Dr. Barnes had even made it a homework assignment, which was funny. Normally, she would tell them to do something as opposed to not doing something. She could see the tension that this activity had brought into their lives. It wasn't like their karate days, where they were both doing something new together.

Pamela had said to Cas, "You want her to love music, right?"

"Well, of course I do?" Cas felt defensive when he replied to her.

"Well, then you can't be her teacher then. In this one area, with her, you are a bit too much of a perfectionist. It is funny, because you are not like this in any other area of your parenting with her. Have there been other times where you have just been so…" She seemed to struggle for what she wanted to label it. Lil was in the waiting room, so they were both speaking rather freely.

"I guess I have been a little tough to work with. Our relationship otherwise has been great. She is always quick to do what I tell her to do, except for getting ready for bed, but that isn't so bad." Cas had questioned his entire ability to parent after each session with Lil and the dreaded piano. "I guess that I am not really very good at this parenting thing."

"Oh, shut up, Malcolm. You are amazing. You just shouldn't be her piano tutor. This is something that you are passionate about and she is not. She just wants to have fun. Plus, I have heard how the other kids' parents praise you. You are doing great. I think that your efforts with Lil are just a little different, like you are a different person when you instruct her." It was then that she smiled and handed him the note card dictating that he find another piano tutor for Lil. He had smiled at her and felt, not for the first time, that they had gotten lucky when they found her.

Nelly had been happy to take on Lil. It turned out to be the best thing for both of them. Their relationship became far less strained on those days when she would practice the piano, and Cas was relieved when she said that she liked playing songs. He had worried that he had ruined that for her. Plus, Nelly was quite skilled at seeing the needs of her pupils. She even decided to pair up Lil with Della tonight for the recital. She knew how nervous the kids could sometimes become when performing was a thing. Lil and Dela were each going to play half of "Chopsticks." Cas had made an effort to not hear them practice so that tonight would be a surprise.

As the lights flickered, the sign that things were about to begin, he strode back over to Julia for a final word of encouragement. "You are going to do great. I'll be right there in the front row if you need an encouraging stare down."

She turned to him with a look that said that she thought that he was crazy. "What will an  _encouraging stare down_  look like, Mr. Young?"

"Like this." He wrinkled his nose at her a little, scrunching up his brow. He looked as goofy as he had hoped to look. "Will that help?" He smiled.

"Hell no. I will likely crack up if you do that. Don't do that, okay." She was trying not to laugh at him, as though that would encourage him.

"You are amazing, and I can't wait for everyone to know it like I know it. Now, I will be right there." He pointed down to his seat in the front row. "Just look down there if you need encouragement. Front row, center."

"Good seat."

"Yeah, proud dad, right here. This is my daughter's first performance. I have to catch it all on video. Years from now, when she's a grumpy teenager, I'll use it to torment her." Cas smiled, touched her shoulder with a brief pat of affection, and turned to go back to his seat.

"What if I have a panic again?" She looked like she was pulling it together though.

"We'll deal with it. No worries." He headed over to his seat, giving Lil a little wave as he sat down. She was sitting off to the side with the other performers, practically bouncing in her seat. How she would have enough focus to play anything, Cas could not imagine. He wondered if she was eating candy, because she had the crazed-child look on her face of one that has too much energy.

The audience became hushed as Nelly made her way up onto the little stage. There were two pianos, a guitar, and a microphone. Nelly came up to the microphone and spoke in a clear, luminous voice. "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. I am so glad to see so many happy faces here tonight. The students have been working very hard for the past month to put together a performance that you won't soon forget. We here at the Music Depot want to thank each and every one of you for supporting us as we support your children." She continued to offer up her thoughts, but Cas became distracted by someone moving into his field of vision.

"Is this seat taken?" Carter whispered as he sat in the empty seat next to Cas. He smiled over at Carter as he shifted into the seat.

"Glad you made it." He whispered back. And just like at the house, Cas noticed that they were sitting quite close together. His leg pressed right up against Carter's, their arms brushing up against each other. Noticing these things, though, took a back seat to the fact that Nelly had just said his name.

"Well, Mal, are you going to stand up and wave at the crowd?" He stood, but he didn't know why. He gave a quick head nod back out at the audience and then sat down. Nelly continued, "Like I said before, we wouldn't know what to do without Malcolm. He has been a real godsend." The audience clapped, and Cas felt a blush creep up into his cheeks at the unexpected, public praise.

Nelly introduced her first performer, and a young boy took the stage. He scooped up the guitar with little gentleness and played a quick, rough acoustic piece. He sang, but his vocals were not so great. The guitar playing, on the other hand, was a showcase of his talents. He had nimble fingers and they danced along the strings. Cas was impressed and wished that he was one of his students. There were several other students that came up to play the guitar, but none as good as the fist.

Next were the beginning pianists. Lil and Dela came up to the stage and each sat at a separate piano. Cas quickly adjusted his camera so that he would be able to capture as much of the two pianos as possible. He never would have guessed that they would use two pianos instead of just one. Lil smiled over at him folded her fingers together and did the elaborate finger cracking move that is so common among those just gearing up to play the piano. She giggled a little with the action. Dela did the same at her piano. The audience laughed and this seemed to encourage the looks of happiness on Dela and Lil's faces. Cas glanced down the aisle and saw her parents smiling and filming at the end of the row. They exchanged little smiles. Then the music began.

They did indeed play "Chopsticks." They took turns with the parts, playing faster and faster with each rendition. Lil had the easier leg of the song and Dela played the more complex part since she had been practicing for a longer term than Lil. Carter leaned over and said, "Wow, they are good."

Cas smiled his proud dad smile and kept right on filming. "They sure are." They got to the end of their song and Dela played a little sign-off series of notes and Lil hit two keys. They stood quickly and beaming their smiles out at the crowd as they took their bows. Cas stood up and gave the girls a cheery whistle of approval. Carter stood at his side clapping too. The girls took their seats and the next musician came up. He would have a while to wait before Julia took the stage. He was worried about her anxiety and it was making him feel anxious too.

Carter leaned over again and asked, "So, do you and Lil want to grab celebratory food after the recital? I was thinking diner grub."

"Sounds good. We were already planning to go their. I think that a bunch of the parents and kids are planning to meet up."  _Maybe this is a step toward repairing the awkwardness._  Cas looked over at Lil who was playing with the hem of her dress, swinging her legs with a slightly subdued energy compared to the pre-performance Lil.

After several performances, Nelly announced the final performer. Cas had wished that she would have been scheduled earlier, since waiting created more anxiety in Julia. She came up on the stage slowly, and Cas felt nervous just watching her. She didn't have on her typical hoodie and thus she had nowhere to hide. Her black dress was floor length and long-sleeved. It made an audible swishing sound as she made her way to the piano bench. She took her seat and looked quickly over at Cas. He sent out encouragement with his staring. She placed her hands on the keys and did not move beyond that. Carter leaned over again, "Is she supposed to take so long to play?"

"Hmm." Cas felt the seconds of silence extending. He looked over at Nelly who shrugged. Julia just kept on sitting there. Her parents were prepared to film at the other end of the room, but they looked worried. No one seemed to know what to do. There seemed to be a vacuum of sorts in the room, silence and immobility. Cas was debating about what to do when he saw her hands slip from the keys into her lap. The move told a tale; hands always told the tale. He stood and walked with purpose up to the stage. He walked across to the other piano and took a seat on the bench. They faced each other. She looked up at him. The pianos faced each other. He leaned forward over the keys toward her and said, "How about a duet?" She stared at him, tears on the precipice. "Do you think that you can take over if I start?" She nodded slightly, and he raised his hands to the keys.

The notes to "Sleepless" started to form under his hands. The melody warm and calm in the hall. The first verse needed to be sung. She whispered, "Sing too." So, Cas began singing the first verse. The second verse came up and he could hear Julia's voice tremulous and small as it joined his. She increased in volume slowly until, by the end of the verse, she was as loud as Cas. When Cas started to skip lines in the singing, she gave him a panicky look that encouraged him to keep singing.

They rocked through the chorus, both of their voices a complement to the other. Cas considered releasing the keys between verses so that Julia could take over. He looked to her in silent communication and saw that she was ready. He released the keys and she was quick to take over. Her hands gliding effortlessly over the keys. The next verse was just Cas' singing, then she was back in the song by the second round of the chorus. He decided that he would go silent with the last line, so that she would have that moment. While they careened to the end of the song, he chanced a glance out to the audience. Lil looked excited. His eyes moved over to Carter who was fully leaning forward into the song, staring directly at Cas. Cas looked back to the keys, breaking the stare. The lyrics should not be directed at him.

When they had practiced the song earlier that week, he had thought of Dean. There was even a line about James Dean that made his thoughts run along to the past.  _God, I miss you._  He thought as the last lines of the song pooled up around them. He stopped singing and Julia's voice rang out in a nasally tone, "Why you so speechless, Oh oh oh."

There was pure silence at first, then an eruption of applause so thunderous that they both jolted back in shock. The audience even stood, all of them. It was not one of those, obligatory standing ovations either. It was one of those purely genuine moments of enthusiasm so intense that they both began to shake with the force of it. They stood together and bowed, then departed from the stage hand in hand.

Lil came running up to him at the side of the stage and threw her arms around him, tight. He had to walk with her attached to his waist all the way back to the seat next to Carter. He pulled her up into his lap and hugged her to his chest. He saw Julia making her way back to her parents. They were all smiles as she sat down next to them, shrinking into herself with shyness under the attention of the happy audience. Nelly came back up to the stage and thanked everyone for showing up and shared some details about the availability of sessions and tutors for those that would like to get their children into the world of music that they saw that night.

Cas barely heard this as he was still riding the high of the applause. He did hear his name though, and it surprised him out of his own thoughts. "And Malcolm, as you all just saw, is a man of many talents. He still has a few openings for lessons. If anyone is interested in setting up appointments, please see either of us tonight. Thanks again for supporting the arts, and have a safe journey home."

With that everyone clapped again and then began gathering up their coats and bags to go. Cas found himself rather surrounded though. Several parents wanted him to take on their children for lessons. Nelly came down from the stage to help him. He was polite, but eager to depart.  _Too much attention._  He caught Julia's eye as she was leaving with her parents and she just smiled at him in solidarity.  _Yeah, now I know what you felt like._  Eventually, he was able to extricate himself from the crowd. He, Carter, and Lil made a bee-line for the door and rushed off for the diner.

"Wow, Malcolm. You are a man of many talents." Carter walked alongside him, their arms brushing up against each other's.

"Nah, it was Julia that was really amazing. That girl has the pipes." Cas felt Lil's hand fall into his and he swung it about a little as they walked. She let him go after a few steps and inserted herself between Cas and Carter. Taking his other hand instead. "What's up Lil? Did you just like this hand better?" Cas smiled down at her.

She reached up to Carter's hand and called out, "Swing me." As she launched forward she tucked her legs up and became slightly dead weight. Cas and Carter compensated by swinging out their arms. They were almost to the diner.  _Thank God._  He thought about how much heavier she was now that she was a year older.

"Okay, goober. You get one more swing then it's back to normal walking. The diner was packed, but they still managed to get a seat in the back. They plucked up the menus and read through the familiar items. Cas ordered a salad and then turned to Lil, "What do you want to eat?" She looked down at her picture menu and pointed to a grilled cheese sandwich. Carter ordered a salad too.  _Two peas in a pod._  Cas thought and then followed up his thought with,  _but Dean and I were like peas and carrots. More complementary than the same._  He smiled with the thought. Sam had told him some Dean details, and he struggled with admitting it, even to himself, but he was often quite happy when he would hear about even the mundane aspects of Dean's life. In those moments he knew that he hadn't let go as much as he probably should have by this point.

He had thought that time would make things easier. It didn't; it just made things different. He didn't know what this thing with Carter was either, and that didn't help ease his mind. He looked over at Carter as he sat talking with Lil about her performance. He half listened, half daydreamed through the conversation; it had been a long day. Carter smiled over at him, his blond hair tinged with pink light from the neon sign that was on the wall behind them. He looked happy, and Cas was glad, since he thought that he had handled things poorly the day before.

He let his mind slip slide around from thoughts of Carter to thoughts of Dean to just a mass of both all whorling around in his head. He had been thinking of Dean throughout the song that he sang. There were lines about never loving again, but even more pressing was the part that read,  _you choose death in company._  He worried often about Dean's choice. He worried that it would be the death of him. Often though, he struggled with the fact that Dean chose to stay behind rather than be with them. He understood, mostly. Sometimes he didn't. Sometimes it made him sad, sometimes angry. Mostly he just felt profoundly lonely without him by his side. In those moments he would video chat with Jess, who would tell him about their lives and Dean. Sometimes Sam would join them. Sometimes it was just he and Jess.

He had considered reaching out to the others, but somehow, he thought that this distance was safer. With Jess, he did not worry. She was already connected to a greater danger through Sam, so Cas never felt like he was adding to her plate. It made the connection easy. As he sat in the diner, he planned out a chat with Jess for later that evening. He wanted to hear about Dean. He had experienced a strange nagging pull in the back of his mind earlier that made him wonder how he had been. Perhaps it was just the guilt of letting Carter get too close. Perhaps it wasn't.

He allowed his attention to fall on Lil and Carter a little more fully as they talked. He considered what it would mean if he let his past go, if he grabbed onto the future that was presenting itself to him in the form of this man.  _It would be easy._  He thought about how little he would have to think about anything beyond the simplicity of just living, waking up to someone that was just living too. He felt Carter's hand on the bench beside his own as his little finger gave an involuntary twitch. Cas knew it was an invitation to hand holding beneath the table, but he did not engage, nor did he move away from it though.

Lil interrupted his thoughts. "Dad, can I go talk to Dela?" Cas glanced past her to the table on the other side of the room. Dela's family waved over at them.

"Sure, but don't stay over there for too long. Your food will be here soon." Before she popped away from the table she smacked a kiss on the side of his face. "Love you, munchkin."

She bounded away on his words and Cas turned back to Carter. "It was a good day, huh?" Carter said.

"Yeah, it really was." Cas was pretty happy with Lil's performance and with Julia's too.

"I didn't know that you were a singer. You have an amazing voice." Carter looked away a little shyly for a moment.

"Thanks. I am just glad everyone got to hear Julia. She is a great kid and quite talented."

"It's funny. I thought that I knew you pretty well. Tonight served to remind me that maybe I don't. You'd think the guy that tried to kiss you would have known about your singing talents. Makes me wonder what else I have missed." Carter's fingers drummed about a little on the bench seat next to Cas' hand. He seemed to be a little nervous.

"You aren't still worrying about yesterday, are you?" Cas turned a little in the seat, pulling his leg up so that he was sitting sideways, facing Carter.

"You did say that we would talk about things. I can't help but wonder about something else that has been a mystery where you are concerned."

"What's that?" Cas felt a little nervous.

"Who are you in love with?" He squirmed about a little awkwardly in his seat until he was turned sideways too. "I mean, I know that I don't have any business asking, but I just want to know. I've wracked my brain about it since you said it, and I can't recall you ever mentioning anyone that sounded special like that. Then I thought about the people in town, and there is Garth…"

Cas interrupted him then with a laugh. "Garth. Really? You went there?"

"Hey, don't laugh. He's the only one that you seem to spend any time with besides me. I guess that I was just trying to solve the great mystery that is Malcolm Young's love life."

"Well, it isn't Garth. He and I are friends. Plus, he's not gay." Cas laughed again.

"Meh, he could be. I figured it was a closet case or something. I'm not exactly all kinds of open about my private life, so maybe he is the same."

"I'm confused now. Are you trying to convince me that Garth is gay, and that I need to tap that?" Cas was laughing again and proud of his bad use of lingo. Truth be told he got the phrase from Garth the other day and liked the full circle of the conversation in his head.

"God, no. I was just. I don't know what I was doing." Carter picked up his water and took a sip. Returning it he continued. "I don't know what is happening. Everything feels comfortable with you, like it is going some place good. Then well, it doesn't. I don't know what I'm saying. Help me out here."

Cas touched Carter's hand on the bench seat then and gave it a little squeeze. "I suppose that I should tell you about Dean." They made eye contact again and Cas began telling him the story.

The story continued throughout the meal. Lil came back only long enough to ask if she could eat her food at Dela's table. Cas acquiesced as it would make it easier to continue explaining things to Carter. He listened to the story with rapt attention. They left the diner together and while Lil bounced this way and that along the curbs ahead of them they spoke some more. "So, do you think that you will ever see him again?"

"I hold out a little hope that maybe I will. It is why I won't be forging any new relationships. It would never work, and it would be unfair." He gave Carter a pointed look that punctuated the words.

"I understand. I guess that I don't know where to go with you though. I mean are we friends then?"

"I hope so. I enjoy you." Cas looked away, the words came out wrong. "I mean, you are good company. You are smart, and funny. I like talking with you." Now he felt like he was just babbling.

"Okay. If I didn't know better, I'd say that you like me more than you like friends, but I will do my best not to get confused again." Carter leaned over a little and shoulder bumped Cas.

"Okay." Cas bumped him back.

"You have to let me know though, if your mind changes. If you think that maybe you want to move on with this really awesome kindergarten teacher that I know. No pressure." He turned up a half smile at Cas as they reached the spot where Cas and Lil had parked the Triumph.

"You'll be the first to know." He called over to Lil who was now hopping from one parking blocker to another in the dark. A car was pulling through the lot slowly. Cas wasn't worried, because it was nowhere near Lil. "I shouldn't have to call you over twice, little missy." Lil ran over then and put on her helmet.

"Goodnight, Mal." Carter leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "Oh, don't get that look. Totally platonic. I would kiss my mom like that."

Cas laughed a little. "I'm not your mom." He put on his helmet and joined Lil on the bike.

"Just testing the boundaries. No harm in that, right?"

"Well, didn't you just suddenly let down your inhibitions."

Carter turned to Lil then and said, "Goodnight, Lil."

She gave him a funny look, but didn't reply back. Cas turned to her and said, "What's up? Aren't you going to say goodnight?"

"He is not your boyfriend." The statement was a little surprising.

"I know," Cas said while still awkwardly turned to face her. Carter seemed to grow suddenly uncomfortable.

"You should tell him that only Dean gets to kiss you." It was funny a little, that over the past year, Lil had not lost her loyalty.

Carter spoke up then. "I'm sorry, Lil. You are right. It won't happen again. Your dad and I are friends, and I don't want to make things uncomfortable." She gave him a slight nod of acknowledgement.

Cas said to Carter, "Sorry about that. We should get going, though. See you around."

"You know it." Then to just add to the awkwardness of the moment, Carter thrust out his hand for a parting shake and Cas went along with it.

"Well, on that awkward note. Goodnight, Carter."

"Goodnight, Mal." And Cas and Lil rode off into the night toward home.


	11. Dean and Cas, a Chorus

Cas finally had a moment to himself. The evening had finally settled into a kind of calm. He heated up a kettle of water on the stove, fully intending to make a massive amount of tea for just one person. Lil was a ball of energy right up to the very minute that her head hit the pillow. It was chatter, chatter, chatter, and then it was as though someone pulled her plug. She apparently really liked the fact that Cas had performed. He had caught a couple of moments of her chatter at the diner that night. She kept telling people,  _that was my dad. Did you see my dad?_

He had worried for a moment that she had been upset by the way that they had parted from Carter. He wasn't willing to talk about it though. He hadn't even fully figured it out yet for himself. The water came to a boil and he lifted the kettle to pour some of the water over his tea strainer. The steam puffed out around the mug. He took a deep breath of it in, enjoying the rich scent of flowers and cinnamon. He looked up at the clock and debated internally about how long he intended to stay up. He looked down at the tea and recognized a commitment there.  _Okay, one hour, and I'll call it a day._  He decided to get on his computer to talk with Jess too. He got comfortable on his couch and set the tea aside to open up his laptop and start up the chat. He opened up his proxy server and then opened up his email.

He felt his heart thud hard in his chest. He sucked in a deep breath and held it. Cas could feel a wave of conflicting emotions taking over his body. His head was running through all of the many reasons that Dean could be contacting him after all of his time. He felt worry for a moment.  _What if something is wrong. What if someone is hurt._  He clicked the message to open it. It was a short message, but Cas felt like it was saying so much more.  _I miss you. Always._  He could feel an intense tightening in his chest, the strange spasm in his stomach, and a clenching sensation in his throat that threatened to become a sob.  _I miss you, I miss you, I miss you._ He thought, then he was opening up a tab to start a chat. He was having trouble seeing the screen enough to type.

He replied to Dean's message,  _Click the link so that we can talk._  He sent him a link to the chat that he set up. He sat there waiting. He was nervous. What if Dean didn't want to see him, he thought.  _That's dumb. Of course he wants to see me. He just said that he missed me._  In an instant he seemed to forget all of the reasons that he had crafted for why they should not speak with each other. The minutes were stretching out. He was trying to compose himself, smoothing his hair out, checking his shirt for neatness. He considered changing quickly, before Dean could respond to the invite. Then the wait was over. The chat opened, and there he was.

Cas' hand went up to his face.  _He's still beautiful. God, how did I leave him?_  He could feel his breathing coming through in sharp stabs. They both just sat there staring at each other for a few moments. Dean looked like he was in the same emotional place as he was. "Hey, Dean." He finally gulped out.

"Hey, Cas." Dean sounded the same. "God, I missed you so much." He seemed to be reaching out toward the screen while he said this, but the camera made it look like a funny movement.

Cas just stuttered out. "Everyday, everyday, Dean." He knew that he didn't make sense, and it was all he could do to talk at all.

"I know. I know." Dean was sitting there now, not seeming to be as unhinged as Cas was feeling, but still clearly touched. One tear slipped from his eye and spilled over his cheek. Dean took a quick swipe at it. "I shouldn't have bothered you yesterday, but I was just feeling so awful. It hasn't been easy."

"Come to us. You don't have to be alone. I don't want to do this alone thing anymore. I need you so much. I need you, Dean." Cas was trying to reign in his emotions. He was failing. He stared at his lips, the angle of his cheeks, the spark of light in his green eyes.

Dean lowered his head to the table in front of his laptop. His body rose and fell in sobs. He may have been saying something, but Cas couldn't hear him. He wanted to go to him, to hold him, to get him through.  _He needs me too._   _A year, more than a year, and what have we gained from this?_

* * *

Dean could feel the pressure of emotions crushing him. Every ounce of love that he had felt flooded through him, overwhelmed him. He was trying to breathe. He had lowered his head to the table in an effort to suppress the emotional tide. He was failing. He thought that Cas looked the same, yet older. He had thought that he had that face memorized so perfectly.  _His hair was still wild. That hair. Fucking bed head, Cas._  He took a deep breath and sat up. He redirected his thoughts.  _I have to tell him about Al._

"Things happened today that you need to know about."

Cas seemed to struggle with the conversational thread and the emotions, but he managed to say, "Yes."

"I was attacked today by Al." Cas took a sharp intake of air and leaned toward the camera as if to get a closer look at Dean, to check for damage. "I'm fine, Cas. Don't worry."

"What happened, Dean?" Cas looked worried.  _At least he doesn't look sad._ Dean thought that he could go the rest of his life without seeing Cas look that sad again, especially since he felt responsible.

"I met with the jury forewoman that we saw in the pictures that M had. After she left the meeting, Al ran her down with his truck. I tracked him and he attacked me." Dean stopped for a moment. "I almost had him, Cas. I was so close. Everytime I get close to ending this, to getting to a place where I can come to you, I fail. I fail." He was close to losing control again. He stared at Cas and saw pain etched on his face. He wanted to touch him, to take comfort from him.  _Selfish._ The nagging word of judgement was in his head.

Cas spoke haltingly. "Come to us, Dean."

Dean just stared at him. "I can't yet."

"No, you can. Come to us. You need us. We need you. I think that you must know how much I need you. I think that you feel it too. That tight knot in your stomach, the way that everything feels hollow, I feel that without you. Do you feel it too?"

"Yes." Dean's voice was low. "I feel empty. Someday though, I'll fix this. I have to make things safe again."

"Do you ever wonder if we were wrong? Maybe we could only be okay with each other."

Dean ran his hands up through his hair. "I have questioned everything that I have done so many times that I can hardly think of anything else." Dean wanted to redirect again.  _I can't give you what you want._  "How is Lil?"

Cas smiled and got up from the couch to take the laptop into Lil's room. "Let me show you. She is precious when she sleeps."

For a brief moment the laptop camera was not angled in a way that allowed him to see Cas. He could see some of the house though, which was interesting. "Your house looks neat. Is it a cabin?" He remembered Garth telling him about the house. He smiled as he saw how accurate the description had been.

"Yeah. It is small, but it is home." Cas angled the camera back up to his face and smiled. "Look, there she is." He turned the camera toward Lil. Her lips puffed out, breathing out little snores.

"She still snores," Dean whispered. "She is just beautiful, Cas."

Cas carried the laptop back out to the couch and sat down. "She had a piano recital today. She was great." He was in the frame again.

Dean wanted to know more, but he felt as though he was making everything more difficult for Cas. He remembered that Garth had said that someone was interested in Cas. He didn't want to get in the way of that, and yet, he felt like he was now. Seeing Lil reminded him of how much stability mattered and how much he was taking that from them. He redirected again. "So, have you met any awesome people in Jacksonville?"

"Not so much. There are nice people here, but we stick to ourselves, mostly. Lil made a friend." Cas stopped talking abruptly, and Dean could tell that there was something that he wasn't saying.  _Just tell me about him, Cas. Break my heart. Make it easier._

"Anyone special in your life?"

"What are you asking me, Dean?"  _He's avoiding._

"Any men beating down your door for a date?"  _Sound casual, Dean. You want to know. You need to know._

Cas seemed uncomfortable. "I don't have any interest in seeing anyone."

"That wasn't what I asked, now, was it?"

"Doesn't matter. I am too busy being Lil's dad. That is enough. What about you? Are you seeing anyone?"  _Damn it._

"So, no one has asked you out?"

"I will play a little game with you that Sam taught me. I will answer your question if you reciprocate."

"Okay."

Cas seemed to shift about awkwardly. "Umm. So, there is this one guy. He is interested. I have corrected his intentions. We are friends, nothing more." Cas stared him down through the screen. Dean felt like he was going to be overwhelmed by the stare down. He did not want to answer the question that he knew Cas would ask. "So, are you seeing anyone."

Dean just sat there. he wanted to run. He didn't want to talk about it. He wasn't seeing anyone, not really, but the question implied something more, though.  _Fidelity._

* * *

Cas could see Dean's struggles and wondered at the answer. He had thought that if Dean were seeing someone that the conversations with Jess would have implied this. Jess and Sam, both, had been encouraging him to keep hoping. He could see now that Dean had moved on, maybe. Dean shifted about in his seat and then took off his jacket. He leaned back in his seat, and Cas could see something that set him on edge.

"I'm not seeing anyone." He said at last. The mark on Dean's neck told a different story. Cas felt the world drop out from beneath him. The words and the visual in conflict with one another.

Cas looked down from the screen and ran a hand up to his own neck before he looked back up into Dean's eyes. He could see guilt in Dean's whole demeanor. He wondered what kind of person Dean had chosen. His thoughts, though, took a more intense turn.  _Someone was kissing him. Someone was touching him. NO, NO, NO. He's mine._  He was breathing hard now and wanted to unsee it. He told himself that he had no right to be jealous. He told himself that he had wanted this for Dean, but he knew that he never really wanted this. A little anger was creeping into the edges of his emotions too.  _He lied to me. Why is he lying to me?_  "So you are not seeing anyone, huh?" He tried to keep his voice neutral, but it wasn't quite there.

Dean tipped his head to the side a little. "I'm not. Why the tone?"

"You seem to have picked up a little something." Cas tapped his neck with a finger. His brows furrowed. He looked like he was done.

"Like I said, I am not seeing someone." He ducked his head a little, seeming a little self-conscious.

"So, that's a product of a casual hook-up?"  _I need to stop. I need to stop._

"Yes."

"I understand. It doesn't change how I feel. I want you to come to us." Cas gripped the table worrying over the answer that he knew he would get.

"You shouldn't be so quick to forgive. You are better than that. Have a little self-esteem, Cas."

"Fuck you, Dean. Don't act like a prick just to make me hate you. It won't happen. I still love you." He sounded angry though, and he was. He couldn't understand how Dean could move on because he hadn't been able to.

"You shouldn't. God, Cas." He looked off past the computer. "I need to go. I have a lot on my plate tomorrow."

"Sure, Dean. Sure." He waited then spoke again. "Be safe. I mean it. Don't do anything stupid."

"I won't."

 _It can't end like this. I won't let it end like this._ Dean looked like he was about to click the close icon. Cas spoke up and stopped him. "Dean."

"Yes."

"I don't care that you found someone for a moment. It's been a year, a lonely, stupid, pointless, damnable year. It may be pathetic. You may think that I have no self-esteem, but I don't care. You are mine. You will always be mine. Always, Dean. Always. Know that no matter what, I have not given up on you, never will." Cas did not wait for Dean's response. He watched him lower his head again to the table. He couldn't let Dean speak again.  _He'll just say something that he doesn't mean. It will be cruel. It will hurt._  Instead of waiting for the stab of those words he moved the mouse up to the close icon and clicked it.

* * *

Dean felt the words stabbing him. He felt the cold, hard edge of the table pressed into his forehead. Each of Cas' words made him feel like the worst human being ever to exist.  _Did I really just tell him to get some self-esteem? Did I really just admit to a casual hook-up? God, if you knew. If you knew. You'd hate me then. It would be easier for you. You should just hate me, Cas. Why can't you just hate me? I can make you hate me if I just talk to you enough. Look what I have done to you. Why can't you just see me as I am? I am dangerous. If you keep loving me, there will be only danger. You will be damned to my Hell. You deserve so much more. Lil deserves so much more._

He couldn't lift his head from the table again. He couldn't look at those blue eyes again. He couldn't bear it.  _How can I tell you the things that will break your heart, if I have to look at you? I just want you to be okay, far, far away from me. I don't want to ruin you._  He could feel his heart racing though. He could hear Cas' words on repeat in his head.  _You are mine._  He felt the spasm of a sob shake him. He played out the next set of words from Cas again.  _I have not given up on you, never will._  He felt the words. He felt the love in them. He felt like there was no reason for anyone to ever trust him to get anything right. The world has given up on him, but not Cas. Never Cas. "I'm sorry, Cas. So sorry." He breathed the words out into the table top. "I love you. I love you so much. I can't do this alone thing anymore either. I can't."

His words were met with silence. He lifted his head and looked at the dark screen.  _Of course, you aren't there._  He reached up and shutdown the computer, feeling resignation and defeat. He slowly got up and walked back to his bedroom. "It was for the best. He didn't need to hear that shit," he muttered out to the damnable silence of his empty house.


	12. Bridge, Cas Part I

Halloween.  _How did this holiday become a thing?_  Cas found himself grumbling as he snaked his way in and out of the crowds shopping for last minute candy and costumes. Lil had her little costume picked out and at home. They had managed to forget candy though. He thought that they could get away with not buying any and just going out all evening. He found out later though that this was not the way that things worked in Jacksonville. He had managed to avoid this knowledge last year because they had been living in a motel. Now, though, it was clear that the trail and all of the houses surrounding it would be part of a late night Halloween "block party" for lack of a better term. If Carter hadn't told him, he would have been hunkered down with the lights off, peering out of the window until the outside world emptied out.

"You will not be doing that." Carter had said. "I am coming over to help you hand out candy. Garth is coming too. He said that he was going to hang out at his house for Halloween. He sounded pitiful, so I told him to join the party."

"This is not a party." Cas laughed at him. "It is two queens and a little princess handing out candy."

"You make it sound so royal." Carter laughed at him too. "I think that we can get away with handing out candy for about an hour before turning out the lights on the teenagers. You really can't pretend to be out for the whole night though."

So, this conversation was what sent Cas off to the store on Halloween. He had tossed in a large mixed bag of chocolates into the cart and tried to meander around the group of parents and teenagers ahead of him toward the exit. He hadn't realized that one of the members of the group was Julia.

"Hey, Mr. Young. Getting some last minute candy for me?" She extricated herself from the group and walked over to him.

"Well, someone just informed me that my neck of the woods becomes quite haunted on Halloween. Apparently the scariest things of all are found there." He smiled at her as he spoke.

"Oh, really. What would that be?"

"Teenagers." They laughed and she picked up his candy and raised an eyebrow to it. "What? You don't approve of my offering to the teen monsters?"

Lil looked at the bag too and said, "They are kind of gross, Dad. No one wants those kinds of chocolates. They aren't even real."

He took the bag and looked at it. He noticed for the first time the names on them, Herchies, Reises, Senor Mints. "Oh, I hadn't even looked at them." He looked back behind him at the crowd and dreaded trying to make his way back through them.

"Well, before I offer to go through the crowd to retrieve appropriate candy for you, tell me what you are going to be for Halloween." Julia took the bag of candy back from Cas.

"I'm not dressing up. Not sure if you noticed but I am way too old for that." He placed a hand on Lil's head and added, "Now, Lil here, she is going to be a little witch."

"No way. You have to dress up. If you are taking Lil out, you have to have a costume. All the cool parents dress up."

"Wow, Julia, you really are promoting the conformist lifestyle tonight." He laughed at her look of consternation.

"No, I just expect more of you than to be phoning it in." She turned to go and then called back, "Don't move. I'll be back with acceptable candy."

"I'll be waiting right here." He looked down at Lil, "Do you think that I need to dress up?"

"Totally." She looked serious.

"Now, I know that you are just messing with me." He ruffled up her hair and she ducked away, laughing.

Julia came back through the crowd a few minutes later carrying the new bag of candy, name brand, and a set of wings. "Soooo." She drew out the word as she held up the wings. They were made with actual feathers and some of them were fluttering off of the wiring that was holding the piece together. "I figured that you would be reluctant if I got you a Batman costume or something like that, but maybe you might go along with something simple." She held out the wings to Lil. "So, do you think that we can convince your dad to put on some angel wings?"

Lil took the wings from Julia, "I got this." She said this in all seriousness. Julia and Cas both laughed.

"So, an angel, huh? I will need to start practicing my best angelic behaviors then. Let's see, doe-eyed innocence." Cas opened his eyes wide and tipped his head to the side in mock naivete. "Or maybe I should just be prayerful." He pressed his hands together and held them beneath his chin, eyes cast heavenward.

"Perfect. Now I had better see the costume when I come by tonight for candy." Julia gave Lil a little pat on the head and added, "Make sure that he keeps it on."

"You got it, boss." Lil laughed as Julia gave her a mock salute and headed back to her family. Cas and Lil headed out, now, seemingly ready for the night's festivities.

* * *

Lil did a little twirl around in her black gown and pointed hat. Cas had the camera out and he had filmed the twirling. He had taken maybe, a hundred stills too, by this point and had planned to send some to Sam and Jess. "Maybe Bobby should get one too." He muttered out his plans while angling the camera up high for another shot.

"You should send one to Dean too," Lil said.

"Hmm." Cas hummed out a non-committal response then turned back to the kitchen and the empty bowl that needed to be filled with candy. Lil followed him.

"Here." She held out the wings. "Time to get dressed, dad."

Cas took the wings and slipped them on over his jacket. "Okay, ready to go."

Lil looked at him, brows wrinkled up. "What in tarnation are you doing?" Sometimes Lil was quick to adopt the language around her. This week it was Looney Toons and Yosemite Sam.

"What are you talking about?" Cas was doing his best not to laugh at her pissy little kid look.

"Your wings?" She pointed. "They look silly on the outside of your coat."

"Well, it is cold outside, so I am going to wear them like this." It did look silly, two fluffy white wings strapped on over his crisp tan trenchcoat.

"Fine then, look silly." She darted away to go retrieve her plastic pumpkin candy bucket. Her face seemed to glow beneath the thick green make-up that she had Cas sponge onto her. They had even added a fake wart on her nose for good measure. There was a knock at the door then and Carter came in.

"Well, are you all ready?" He spun around in his zombie outfit. "I know, I know. This costume is just too sexy for the masses. I should probably go change, huh?" Cas laughed at him.

"You are ridiculous. I can't believe that they let you have charge over our children." He stepped over and gave him a quick hug as a greeting. "Where's Garth?"

"He was right behind me." At that, Garth jumped out with a roar as he tried to scare Cas and Lil. Lil shrieked and darted behind Cas.

"Not funny, Garth." She yelled at him with a laugh.

"Actually, pip-squeak, that was hilarious," Garth said as he came into the house. "Now let's go get all of the candies, before they run out." Garth bounced around in his wolf costume howling. He was like a kid. He scooped up Lil and swung her around over his head. "Trick or treat!"

"Yeah! Trick or treat, dad!" Lil yelled with Garth.

"So much yelling!" Cas yelled.

"I know!" Garth yelled again as they darted out the door. They were all laughter and smiles as they made their way to the other end of the trail where a little slice of suburbia awaited. There they would find a few rows of houses to begin with. They went from one house to the next. Lil's bucket was filling fast. Garth went with her to each door. Cas stayed back on the sidewalk for most of the actual trick or treating. Carter stayed with him.

"So, you really went all out with the costume." Carter grinned over at him while they waited for Lil to return.

"Yeah, well, I figured I didn't need the costume, really. I am pretty angelic already." Cas smiled back.  _Why am I flirting with him?_

"If I didn't know better, I would say that someone is fishing for a compliment." Lil bounded back to them with Garth in tow. Cas felt Carter's hand on his back propelling him along their path. They made good time and managed to cover the major streets in just over an hour. They began making their way back to the house at around 8pm with Lil's barely contained enthusiasm leading the way. Cas wasn't sure if she was more excited by the candy getting or the candy giving.

They got into the house and Cas called Lil over to him. "I want to do a video chat with Sam and Jess later. So, try to keep your costume looking good. Okay?"

"Awesome. I bet they'll like it." Cas smiled at her and together they plopped down on the sofa with Garth and Carter to watch horror movies. Cas had made it clear that the horror movies had to be kid friendly, so Garth had brought over only the classics,  _Frankenstein_ ,  _The Bride of Frankenstein_ , and  _Frankenweenie_. Cas laughed at the selections. "Really, Garth, this is quite the theme here."

"Yeah, I guess that I knew what I wanted to watch." They popped in  _Frankenstein_ and Cas popped some popcorn in the kitchen. It was nearly an hour before they got a knock at the door. Lil jumped up off the couch.

"Someone's here. I get to give the candy." Cas handed her the bowl and sent her to the door. It was Julia.

"Trick or treat." She stepped into Cas' home and gave Lil a quick hug. Lil gave her two hands full of candy.

"What are you dressed as?" Lil asked because the costume was unclear. She was wearing horns and her face was painted a shade of bluish grey.

"Oh, I'm just a character from a webcomic. You wouldn't know who." She turned to Cas then, "So how many trick or treaters have you had tonight?"

"Just you. I am starting to think that some people just wanted me to buy a bunch of candy so that they could reap the rewards." He cast a sidelong glance back at Carter and was met with a smirk.

"Sure beats trick or treating. I did actually think that the kids would make it all the way down here. It really isn't that far." Carter popped some candy into his mouth and chewed it with a smile.

"So, give me a spin. I gotta see the angel wings in all of their glory."

"Oh, I took those off. Here just a sec." He plucked them up off of the stool and put them on. He gave a little twirl and said, "Huh, huh. Pretty awesome huh?"

"Wow, you just wow." She laughed at him then and added, "Well, this is about as much fun as watching paint dry, so I'm out of here."

"Well, you picked the costume. Geesh."

She was smiling though and so was he as he walked her to the door. "See you later Mr. Young." Julia gave Lil a high five before sauntering out of the door.

"Do you need a flashlight?" He called out to her as she headed up the trail.

"Nah, my friends are out here. They have our lights." And as if on cue, a bunch of kids out by the lake waved their flashlights out at them. Cas waved back.

"Be safe."

"You know me." Julia replied giving Cas one last wave before turning away.

Cas slipped back inside, ready to finish the film.

* * *

At the end of the film, Lil was still awake and fully committed to an inventory of her candies. She had separated them into piles of similar types and had counted out the pieces in each pile. Garth reached over to a pile of Twizzlers to snag one and was met with a swift hand slap from Lil.

"Geesh, Lil. You can't spare just one little piece?" He looked over at Cas for support. "Tell your daughter that it isn't nice to hit." He smiled to show that he wasn't serious.

"It's not nice to steal. Just be glad that she didn't drop you with one of her fierce kicks. She is a tough little thing." He turned to Lil, "Could Garth have a candy?"

"If he asks nicely," she replied.

"Precious Lil, may I please, please have a candy?" Garth was ladling it on thick. Lil nodded and Garth swooped in for the Twizzler before she could change her mind.

"Well, I think that I need to be going. I am beat." Carter stood to go, stretching out his long limbs. "You need a ride back to town, Garth?"

"Nah, I think that I'll walk back after I con a couple more pieces out of Lil here." She looked at him with her dad's head tilt. "You know, for the road." He smiled at her and she waved her hand over the candy as if to say  _take your pick._

"I'll walk you out." Cas turned to Lil. "Keep an eye on Garth while I walk Mr. B to his car."

"Okay." Lil replied naturally. Garth laughed at them while he scoped out his selections of candy.

The distant noises of teenagers and music filtered through the night. Cas felt warm and comfortable with the way that the evening had gone. He had struggled over the past week since his conversation with Dean. He lacked focus and found himself rethinking the way that things had gone. He also felt angry with himself. He was mad that he was so quick to forgive. At the time it seemed like the natural thing to do, but now, with nights of contemplation under his belt, he felt irritated. He had been faithful. He had not moved on.  _I wanted him to move on. I stopped talking with him so that he would move on. Then, the moment that he does, I start freaking out. Get a grip, Cas._

That had been his week in a nutshell, punctuated with little domestic duties and Lil. Now there was Carter at his side. They had reached the car and Carter had opened the door to get in. Cas stepped closer and kissed him on the cheek. He stepped back and their eyes locked. "What, don't get that look. I would kiss my mom like that." Cas parroted Carter's words from the other night back at him.

Carter responded much as Cas had, "I'm not your mother." And he dipped back toward Cas again and kissed him gently on the lips. Cas' hands moved up to Carter's arms. He moved into the kiss and responded to it. It was gentle and inviting. He felt needed. Carter pulled Cas closer, pressing him at the same time against the edge of the car. Cas felt the tentative dart of Carter's tongue making its way into his mouth. He let it happen. It felt good. It felt like a reminder. He wanted to turn his brain off and bask in the moment of need that Carter was stirring, but he couldn't. Despite everything, he loved Dean, and this was not fair to Carter. He was using him. He gently ended the kiss. Carter looked flushed and happy with the moment.  _If you knew what I was thinking…_

"I need to be getting back inside. Drive safely." Cas slipped away from Carter.

"Goodnight, Mal." He reached out to Cas again and brushed a hand along his cheek, before turning to get into his car.

"Goodnight, Carter."  _We don't need to talk about it now. We have time enough for that later._

He began walking back up to the house, a plan forming in his head. He believed now that he had spent the better part of the last year living with the consequences of a mistake. He had come to believe that maybe he had been wrong to leave. He wondered if it wasn't too late to go back. And all that it took was a single kiss to set his mind to turning.

* * *

Garth met him on the porch, "So, you and Carter huh?"

"Oh, shut-up." Cas didn't want to talk about it. "I love someone else."

"Yeah, you sure about that?" Garth seemed to see something in him that he wasn't sharing.

"Yes, I am. I had a little moment of weakness. It won't happen again. It has just been a rough couple of weeks for me." Garth gave him a little pat on the shoulder and then made his way down the steps.

"So does this mystery man that you are in love with know how you feel? Does he know that you are tossing aside a nice guy like Carter for him?" Garth rocked back and forth on his heels a bit as he spoke.

"It's complicated. He knows that I love him, I think. Actually, I think that he knows it but that he doesn't understand it. I don't think that he has been loved before, at least not by someone that wasn't already obligated to do so due to family connections." A dawning realization was spinning about in his head.  _Everyone that he has ever loved has left him. I left him._ He thought about the damage that that had likely done to Dean.

"What are you thinking, Cas?" Garth asked when the silence had stretched out.

"I don't know. I think that I need to go to him. I think that I need to stop running away from him and just be with him." He was breathing hard with the fact that he was saying it out loud, as if it was more real now.

"What made you leave in the first place?"

"I thought that we would all be safer."

"Have you been safer?"

"I think so." Cas was starting to come down from the high of his potential decision.

"Has he been safer since you left?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Will you be less safe if you go to him? Will Lil be safe?" Garth seemed to be asking all of the questions that Cas had asked for the last year.

"I don't know. I think that he will be better if we are with him. I think that my leaving is killing him." Cas was becoming upset. He didn't like being thrust back into indecision. "Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he is not so bad off. The last time that I spoke with him, he seemed to be moving on. Maybe I am just looking for an excuse to mess that up for him, because I don't want him to move on. Selfish."

Garth looked upset, like he wanted to give Cas the words, but he didn't know where to begin. "Would it matter if he were over you or not?"

"Yes." Cas muttered. "If he is over me, then I can let him go, let him be happy. If he isn't, if he is hurting, I might be able to fix that. I owe it to him, and I love him. I don't want him to hurt like this."

"Then maybe you ought to have a conversation with him. You need to give yourself the closure or the way back." Garth shifted about a little. "I bet he is not over you." There was something in the way that Garth said the last words that hit Cas. He looked at Garth then, really looked at him and was struck with realization.

"You called me Cas." And if he doubted his hearing before, that was swept aside by Garth's reaction.

"What are you talking about,  _Malcolm_?" He overemphasized the name. Cas wasn't buying.

He fell into a slight crouch, "Who are you?"

"I don't know what you are talking about." Garth stammered out. Lil slipped out the door and stood behind them on the porch.

"Go back in the house, Lil." Cas said without turning.

"What's wrong, dad? Are you guys fighting?" She edged back behind the screen though. Cas thought about where his gun was.

Garth spoke next, "It's okay, Lil. Your dad just learned something that was uncomfortable. We are just going to talk for a few minutes in private. I'll send him back in in a second." That seemed to pacify her enough to send her back in.

"So, answer me, Garth. Who are you?" Cas gritted out again.

"Sit." Garth motioned to the step.

"No." Cas stood poised for a fight. "Talk, or I will take you down."

"Dean hired me. I am a private detective." Cas lost some of his posture with the shock of the statement. He had been prepared for Crowley, or maybe even someone else from his pool of enemies, but not Dean.  _Garth had been here since the beginning._

"Why?" It was the smallest question in a sea of thoughts colliding about in his head.

"He wanted to make sure that you and Lil were safe. He has me report out every couple of days about how you are doing, if you are safe, even how you look. I have become adept at describing your face in new and creative ways."

"When was the last time that you spoke with him?" Cas was overwhelmed with the idea that this had been happening.

"Two days ago. He sounded like a wreck. If you think that he has moved on, you are terribly mistaken."

Cas settled down onto the step and Garth took the spot next to him. "I don't know what to say."

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I think that I just lost my job. Pretty sure Dean won't want to keep me employed now that you know." Garth rubbed his hands down his knees.

"So, he has been paying you?"

"Yeah."  _That can't be cheap._

"So, what sorts of things did you tell him?" Cas wondered how much Dean knew about his daily life. He wondered how much he knew about Carter. He wondered so many things.

"Mostly, I just made him stop worrying. I would watch for new people coming and going. I would watch for anything that had a hint of the shady. So, far, so good. You picked a nice, safe, boring place to live, Cas." Garth smiled at him.

Cas considered for a moment. He looked back at Garth and considered some more. "Maybe we don't need to tell Dean just yet."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, maybe you should just keep doing what you are doing and I will pretend not to know." Cas ran his hand back up through his hair.

"Why?"

"I think that I might want to go back to him, but I need to know some things first." He paused for a second and raised a hand to Garth's shoulder. "If I pay you, would you help me?"

"Wow, Cas, you want me to go all double agent?"

"Yeah, but it is for a good cause. It might help Dean. I just want to know if he has moved on and if he is doing better. I need you to be objective. Don't sugar-coat the results."

"Well, I can tell you already that he is not doing good and that he is still hung up on you because he is still paying me to watch over you. Isn't it obvious, Cas." Garth seemed to be exasperated by Cas' doubt.

"No, it is not. It is Dean's nature to protect the people in his life. It does not mean that he is still wanting me back."

"Cas, you are dumb. Capital D-U-M-B. And Dean said that you were like all kinds of smart. You don't need to hire me to pick Dean's brain. He wants you back. He is desperate and depressed. He doesn't have to check in every week, but he does. In fact he checks in far more often. He couldn't possibly move on because all that he thinks about is you and Lil. He thinks about you all so much, that I doubt that he can possibly function. He won't solve his case, he won't meet someone new, and he won't get through this, because he can't." Garth stopped talking for a minute and stood up. "You want my advice? Well, go to him. Go to him and let him protect you while you protect him. You both need this. Leaving was right at the time, but it seems like it ain't helping either of you now."

"What about the attack? Al attacked him. Will Lil and I be safe with Dean?" This was Cas' one big hang up. He felt like the violence was still too present there. It hadn't touched his life in Jacksonville.

"You'll have to weigh that out for yourself. Dean walked into that situation, I think. He has been relatively safe for the past year. I'll refrain from mentioning to Dean that you know, though, until you give me the all clear." Garth turned to go then stopped for a moment. "Just so you know, I actually think of you as a friend. I wasn't faking any of that." Cas stepped up to Garth and gave him a hug.

"Thanks for that, Garth. Just thanks." He stepped away, and Garth walked off down the path toward the town and home.


	13. Bridge, Cas Part II

He came into the house with a spring in his step. He had decisions to make, and they felt like they might not all be bad. He started up the laptop and opened up his proxy server. Lil was sitting in her candy pile just a little wired, but not completely unhinged with sugar consumption.

"Are you ready to see Sam and Jess, little one?"

"Yep. Just tell me when to come over."

He sent out the email to Jess and waited for her to log in. He waited a little longer than usual since he had not preplanned this evening's visit. About a half hour later the chat opened up. Jess was smiling out at him. "Your timing is good."

"Oh, yeah? Well, I just had to show off Lil's awesome costume."

"Wait just a sec while I get the boys." Jess left the computer and bounded away from the frame. Cas sat awkwardly waiting for her to return. A few minutes later she came bounding back in. "They're on their way up. So, let's see the awesome costume."

"Come over here Lil. Show Jess your witchy self." Cas reached out to her and beckoned her over.

She popped up from the candy and launched over to Cas.  _I guess some of that candy is still kicking around in her. I will never get her to sleep._  "Hi, Jess."

"Oh, scary. You look absolutely frightening." Jess raised her hands up to her face in mock horror. Just then Sam's torso showed up in the background.

"Get in here!" Sam spoke roughly as he appeared to be dragging someone into the frame. It was Dean.

"Dean, Dean, Dean!" Lil was bouncing around a little and almost knocked the laptop over.

"Careful munchkin, you are going to break things." Cas admonished while barely keeping the laptop on his lap.

"Hey there, witchy. You are too creepy." Dean smiled out through the frame. Cas watched his eyes as they darted over to his and then back to Lil like he was trying not to look at him.

"Hello, Dean." He said the words quietly, hoping that he was misreading things. Everything had ended awkwardly during their last conversation. Actually, it was worse than awkward, it was just plain bad. he tried to lighten the seriousness of the moment. Everyone was silently waiting for Dean to acknowledge the hello.

When he finally did it felt brusque, too formal for them. "Hello." He turned his attention back to Lil. "Did anyone ever tell you how terribly frightening witches are?" He looked at Lil with complete seriousness.

"No. They are just make believe, so they are not really scary." Lil smiled. "You aren't afraid of witches, Dean."

"I think that they are super scary. If a horror movie has witches in it, I can't watch it. Those things give me nightmares for weeks." Dean smiled back at her, a genuine smile that twinkled a little in his eyes.

"Is that really true?" Cas had to ask. He hadn't imagined that Dean would find something as fictional as witches to be frightening, but maybe.

"I wouldn't lie to Lil about something so serious." He glanced over at Cas and for a moment he seemed to be almost, not happy, but not miserable. He turned back to Lil and asked, "So, did you get a giant pile of candy?"

"Yeah, let me show you." She took the laptop with her over to the piles and told him about the counts for each pile.

Sam's voice piped in, "Dude, she's got Buckeyes. I haven't seen those since we were kids. What kind of neighborhood did you visit? Looks like some of this stuff came out of a vintage candy shop."

Cas spoke up as Lil was still across the room. "Some of the neighbors go all out. They do these theme decorations and buy candy to match. It is crazy. It is sort of like going to little theme parks." Lil came back over to him with the laptop, but didn't hand it over. She just angled it to include him.

"So, you should save us some of those Buckeyes." Sam gave Cas a little wink.

Cas looked at him with confusion clearly blanketing his face. "What are you saying, Sam?"

"I'm saying that Jess and I are done with this silliness of not seeing you. We are packing up the whole gang and we are coming to see you." Sam smiled out at him and Jess edged into the frame.

"Don't say no, Cas. Please don't say no. We can be very careful." She sounded like she really wanted this. Dean had slipped out of the frame. It was not clear what he wanted.

" _All_  of you will come here?" He tried to emphasize the word  _all_  and hoped that his meaning was clear.

"Yes, can you accommodate us, or should we book a motel?" Sam looked like he was worried over Cas' potential response, but he was doing his best to keep it covered.

Lil was bounding around again full of chatter. "Dean, Dean, Dean. I'm going to get to see you again." He was still out of the frame.

"Let me see him," Cas said, his meaning clear. The frame tipped up to show Dean's face. He looked still and somewhat cold.

"What?" He asked.

"You are coming right?" Lil asked. His face immediately adjusted, softened.

"I don't think so, munchkin. I will likely have to work. I pretty much work all of the time now that I am off of the desk duty."

Sam chimed in, "You don't have to work on Thanksgiving, so you are going." Cas could see Dean shooting a look at his brother.

"Please, Dean, come see us." Lil had perfected the art of manipulation via cuteness. She tipped her head just so and opened her eyes extra wide. She looked like she could cry if the conversation just went a little south. Not for the first time, Cas thought that she would make an excellent lawyer.

"I don't know." He wavered a little. Cas saw his opportunity.

"Dean, don't make my daughter cry. You have to come. I want you to be here." Cas caught the shift in Dean when he looked at him. It was almost like he doubted Cas' words.

"Okay." He looked back at Lil. "You sure you have room for me? Sounds like you will have a very full house."

"Of course, silly. You are dad's boyfriend. We'll just make sure that Mr. B doesn't come over." Lil was bounding around the room again, excited by the future visitors.

"Who's Mr. B?' Sam asked.

"He is Lil's kindergarten teacher. He lives nearby. He is a friend." Cas was vague enough, but he saw something flicker across Dean's face. He wondered again if Garth had spoken of Carter.

Dean left the frame again and appeared to be leaving the room. Sam cast a look back at his brother's retreating form and let out a sigh when he was gone. "Sorry 'bout that, Cas. He has been off lately. He won't talk about it."

"I assumed that he would be." He looked at Lil and said, "Go get ready for bed. I'll be in in a minute to tuck you in."

"Ah, but I'm not tired," she whined.

"None of that. Now say goodnight to Jess and Sam." His tone afforded no room for discussion so she acquiesced.

"Goodnight, Jess. Goodnight Sam."

"Goodnight, Lil." They replied in unison and she slowly wended her way toward the room.

Sam waited a moment before dropping the question, "So, what happened?"

"We did a video chat. It was okay, at first, then things went badly." He looked back and forth from Sam to Jess and added with a slight tone of accusation, "Neither of you told me that he was seeing someone."

They both looked equally shocked. Jess replied first, "What!"

Then Sam chimed in, "Maybe because he isn't. What would make you think that?"

"He is. I guess that neither of you were aware. I feel marginally better now. I thought that maybe you were both just disregarding some vital information." Cas could see now that they were both just as taken aback as he had been.

"There is no way, Cas. He has been too depressed. He even talks about you both like it is everything. There is no way, no way." Jess was struggling with this information. "Let me go get him. We'll clear this up right now. You just misunderstood." She was about to get up.

"Don't you dare, Jess. It was bad enough the first time. And if either of you say anything that keeps him from coming here on Thanksgiving, I'll never forgive you." He tried to carry enough force in his tone to really send the message.

"So, you are okay with us all coming then? Even with the…" Sam paused not knowing how to finish the sentence, "situation."

"Yes, I was already forming some plans about the  _whole_ situation, actually. I think that I may have made a mistake coming here, leaving everyone. I have a lot that I need to weigh."

"What are you saying, Cas?" Jess suddenly looked hopeful.

"I'm thinking of moving us back. I think that maybe, I was wrong before." He looked like he meant it. Jess and Sam exchanged looks.

"You heard about Al attacking Dean, right?" Sam sounded serious.

"Yes, but Dean was okay. He's going to catch him. He said that he was close." Everytime Cas had to focus on the dangers he felt his resolve crumbling.

"Jess and I had hoped that he would choose to go to you instead. You chose the safer option. You could save Dean if he would just let himself be saved." Sam's words made sense. He didn't want to think about them though. It meant giving up again, because Dean would not choose them. Nothing had happened that would change that.

He let out a sigh of frustration and said, "I need to get going. Lil, is likely not going to go to sleep with any ease tonight."

"Okay, Cas." Sam attempted a half-hearted smile.

"Please don't talk Dean to death. You know how that ends. He has to come here, and if you make him overthink it, he won't." Cas hoped that Sam would be able to contain himself. It was easy to see him failing in this regard.

"I'll keep him in check, Cas. Sam and Dean have had a fair amount of miscommunications lately, but I will keep them from going down this road." Sam looked at Jess with an upturned brow as if to say,  _I'm right here you know._  "Cas is right, Sam. Plus, you do tend to push Dean's fight or flight buttons with all of your talking."

"I am just more enlightened than he is. I don't think that talking is supposed to be so scary."

Cas threw in a little defense. "Yeah, so long as the topic of the conversation is them and not you. Just listen to Jess. It is only for a couple of weeks, then you can go back to being your usually talkative self." Cas smiled at him, and turned to see Lil standing in the doorway eyeing the candy piles. "Love you guys."

"We love you too, Cas," Jess said. With that he signed off and went to Lil.

"They are still coming right?" She asked.

"Yes, they are. Now you, little missy, need to get into bed." They made their way back into her bedroom, and he scooped up her doll from the nightstand. "Here's Dolly Mad." She took it and snuggled down into the covers.

"Sing me to sleep." He smiled down at her little request, wondering if she was just prolonging sleep.

"Do you have a request?"

"No. Just sing." Her eyes fluttered a little in a way that said, she was tired despite her best efforts to be otherwise.

"Okay." He felt that he was being pulled back a little into the past, into their old life, and for once it didn't feel like an impossible dream. He remembered the last night that they had all spent together at Bobby's and how he had sang "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" to Lil. He sang it again tonight. This time though, he thought as he sang out the words, that maybe, just maybe, the song didn't have to feel like defeat. For now, it kind of felt like hope.


	14. Bridge, Dean

_God damn Halloween._   _Why did that holiday become a thing? Hardly the problem, Winchester. Now Thanksgiving, that will be a problem. Damn, damn, damn._  Sammy had even given him what could only be called the absolute stink eye when he came down to the living room. If that hadn't been enough there had been Jess to contend with next. Each time that Sam started to speak she would slug him in the arm. It got so awkward that Dean did what Dean does best, he got the heck out of there.

Now he had whittled away days and weeks to a fine pulp that could now be called the past and he still did not know how he was going to get out of the trip to Jacksonville without making waves at home. Each time that he saw Sam, the conversation could have been replayed from a prior recording: "Hey, Sam." "You're going." "I didn't say anything." "Shut-up. You're going."

Then there was the redirect and the awkward departure. It just gets worse too. Anna was planning to go. She texted to let him know. She asked if that would be weird.  _Of course that wouldn't be fucking weird, Anna. God, no. Let's go together and make a date of it. Damn, damn, damn._  Then there was Lil. He wanted to see the kid. He missed her. The thought of actually lying to her upset him the most. He felt that they had a connection forged by the similarities of their losses. He didn't want to be another disappointment to her.

He could feel his heart racing with the merest anticipation of the trip, this was even without thinking of Cas. He did his best not to think about Cas, but that was like not thinking about something bold and vibrant splashed on a blank canvas. He had existed so long in muted days that the prospect of seeing Cas, flesh and blood Cas, no screens between them, was enough to send him into palpitations of all sorts.

So, he plugged away at work. He dove into new cases and fixated onto the old. He went to Stiel several times and found nothing helpful. He met with people. They told him nothing. As near as he could tell, Al had vanished without a trace. He was a ghost, and Dean did not know how to deal with something like that. Not catching him was like salt in a wound; it burned each time that he thought of it.

His lunch break came and went. He hadn't realized just how long it had been since he had eaten until his stomach sent out a noise of absolute protest. It was late in the evening by the time that he noticed. He glanced around the office, pulled together his papers, and decided to head out to the local greasy spoon that a bunch of his co-workers frequented. He found a booth in the back that had a newspaper spread out on the bench seat. He placed his order and decided to read a little to pass the time.

Normally, he would not have even glanced at the business section, but it was right on the top. The over large, top of the fold image of Lucky Crowley and Ezra Brady stared out at him. "Hmm." The article was about the merger. It had been finalized. The board was trying to decide on what do about leadership. The article speculated about the merits of the two CEOs. Brady's qualities were pitted against Crowley's. No matter how the leadership was dealt with, both men stood to gain significantly from their stock holdings. He considered this for awhile. He wondered if this connected. Then, in his head, it just started to fit.

He pulled out his phone and decided to summon Lucky Crowley to the diner. He had his number. He had gained it during the early investigation. He pushed send and waited. Several rings later and a very out of breath voice answered. "What?"

"This is Dean Winchester. I am hoping to speak with Lucky." He tried to sound confident, professional.

"Hello, Dean. Sorry about that. I didn't have you in my contacts. Thought that you were someone else. It has been a long time. I think that the last time we spoke, you threatened me, so, I am a little surprised to be getting a call from you." He sounded smooth, in control.

Dean got right to the point. "I need to meet with you. Are you available?"

"Wow, you don't beat around the bush. I am a tad busy right now with…" he paused and some shuffling could be heard in the background, "things."

"It is important. I wouldn't call you if it wasn't."

"Is this an official request?"

"No, but if you want me to make it one, then by all means, don't meet with me tonight." Dean wasn't sure if he could make the meeting official. He only had a hunch, nothing more.

"Fine. Where shall we meet?" Dean gave him the address of the diner and hoped that he was right. The wait would make him question himself a dozen times, but he felt like he had turned a corner.

* * *

Crowley entered the diner with a small entourage. He waved his suited men to a table at the front of the diner. Dean felt like he may have made a mistake. Crowley drew up to the table, his suit, black on black. His beard was trimmed to neat edges that seemed too neat for the evening. Dean reached up and ran a hand along the scruff of his chin feeling the stubble that had emerged since his morning shave. He stood, "Hello, Crowley. Have a seat." Before he could sit himself, one of Crowley's men came up to him and ran his hands over Dean's body, checking for wires.

"Call me Lucky. Also, I don't give my consent to being recorded, if you had any plans of that sort." He cast a glance at the bench seat and took a seat as though he didn't want to touch any of the surfaces. "Really, Dean, you couldn't pick a nicer place?"

"Only the best, for my friends." Dean smirked at him. "So, you always travel with so many fans?" He waved over at the others.

"Can't be too safe. You seem to have a nasty habit of drawing trouble wherever you go. At least that is what I gathered from your boyfriend. Oh, wait, that would be ex-boyfriend wouldn't it?" His eyebrow raised in disdain. Dean gripped the bench seat in irritation.

"Hmm, if I remember right, that was not my doing. I think, if memory serves, A worked for you. Was I mistaken about that?" Dean tried to sound calm, in control.

"Well, I certainly am glad that you dragged me out for this little trip down memory lane, but really, is there some greater purpose to tonight's little meet up? Not that I don't mind your company. You are easy on the eyes even if you have a less than agreeable personality." He leaned back in the seat, then seemed to rethink it as he seemed to remember the sticky surfaces of the diner.

"You did not send A after us?" Dean dove right to the point.

"Yes. I think that I already said that much before," Lucky looked at him with a slight smile playing out at the edges of his lips.

"I know, but I didn't believe you then. I do now."

Lucky clapped his hands slowly, emphasizing the sarcasm. "Well, bully for you Dean. Way to catch up."

"Oh, this doesn't mean that I think that you are innocent, mind you. I just don't think that you sent A after us, and I don't think that you wanted M killed." Dean leaned forward onto the table and peered straight into his eyes.

"So, Dean. What is this little sharing thing that you are doing? Why share the epiphany?" Lucky was relaxed. He seemed to be comfortable with Dean's realization and even with his claim that he wasn't so innocent.

"I think that you might know why someone would send A after us. I think that you could speculate a little." Dean looked off at the waitress and tapped his coffee mug for a refill. She came over reluctantly, filled it and darted back to the counter. She felt the vibe in the restaurant it seemed. "So, Lucky, if you had to guess, who do you think would benefit from retrieving those files the most?" Dean took a small sip from the mug and peered out over it at Lucky.

"Those were my files. I would have the most to gain from retrieving them," Lucky said. Dean was surprised. It almost felt like an admission of guilt, but he knew better.

"Except that you didn't send A after the files. So, someone else had more to lose if they fell into the wrong hands. Who do you think that could be?" Dean was beginning to feel impatient.

"Hmm, what you seem to be thinking is that I want to share. Really, Dean, what do I have to gain from sharing? My company has just merged with Stiel. I am on the verge of being made the CEO of one of the largest pharmaceutical companies in North America. Telling you anything could only serve to jeopardize my business. I'm a businessman, Dean. I don't take risks. Talking with you is enough of a risk."

"I heard that it is not a foregone conclusion that you will be made the CEO. Apparently, your friend, Ezra Brady, is in line ahead of you for that slot." Dean played his card and waited.

"They won't pick him. He does not have enough sense to be given the position. The only reason that they haven't replaced him yet at Stiel is because of the history that he carries with him." Lucky fell silent then, noticeably irritated.

"Maybe history matters. Maybe the board will value that more than you think, unless they have a good reason not to."

"So, Dean, are you enjoying your little fishing trip?" Lucky started to slide out of the seat. "I think that we are done here. Thanks for wasting my time."

"This isn't really about the merger or any of that. It is about M. You told Cas that you liked M. I'm beginning to wonder if that was true." Dean noticed a slight twitch in his lip. His hands came up to the table. He watched them press down flat to the once loathsome surface.

"I did like that woman. I liked her tenacity. She was not one to take shit from anyone, not even me. I watched her become so much more than she would have been. I took her in. I set her on a path to success. If it weren't for me she would have languished away in a dull cubicle filled with pictures of her kid and some cats, waiting for her past to catch up with her. So, don't you dare say that I didn't care about her." He seemed to realize that he was letting his emotions control him. He stopped talking and moved his hands back down to his lap. He took a deep breath. "She was like me. Shitty parent, shitty situation, shitty life, and I took care of her."

"So, who would have sent A to kill her?" Dean lowered his voice, hoping not to break the spell of their conversation.

Lucky squinted over at him, "It was never about the case that your boyfriend was working on. It was something older. M found something from when the company split. I think that the reason that she is dead is because someone would stand to lose a lot if that information managed to get out to the public. Now, I suppose that whatever she found would cause me to lose a lot of money too if that information fell into the wrong hands, but murder was no solution. It is too messy. Clearly, some people don't think so."

"You don't seem to be above roughing someone up to get what you want though. I remember your story from Ezra's dinner party. You also employed A and Al, and you did not do so for their keen intellects."

"True. I liked the intimidation that they brought to the table. They were capable of such ruthlessness, such menace. I avoided a lot of messy business by employing them, Mr. Winchester." He eased back from the table again and let his hands fall back into his lap. He stood up abruptly. "I advise you to look at who, beside me, of course, stands to gain the most from the secrets that M's files almost exposed. You don't need to look far."

"Why can't you just tell me?" Dean sounded irritated.

"Self-interest. If you haven't figured it out in the next month, see me. I need to be named CEO before I can be more direct. I also can't share anything that will lead to bad press for the company. Too much money will be lost if I do, especially with the merger so fresh."

Dean couldn't accept it. He was so close. "Just give me something here. I feel like I've got nothing to go on."

"You've got tons. It would bite you if it were any closer. It wouldn't hurt you to look into M's past either. It has nothing to do with her death, well, not really. I just think that Lil and your boyfriend will need to know. It will come down on them someday and they should be prepared."

"What do you mean?" He hadn't thought that any of this could be more complicated. He had thought that Cas and Lil had been rather safe in their new lives.

"I mean, that M's past will find Lil eventually. Cas will need to be prepared for that."

Dean had given up his focus. All he could think about now was that Cas and Lil would be in trouble. Something would find them, something not safe. "If you really cared you would tell me directly. Who do we need to be worried about?"

Lucky moved from the table. "Mirov," he said as he walked out to the front of the diner, cast a glance back at Dean, then walked out into the night.

* * *

He set up the video chat not long after he got home. He didn't want to take any risks. He also didn't fully understand the things that Lucky had told him, and he needed Cas to go through the details with him, make it make sense. He sent off the email, hoping that he hadn't burned the bridge too much with Cas.  _He could choose not to reply. He could choose not to talk to me._  It was 11 pm before the chat window came to life. Cas was there.

"Hello, Dean." The familiar greeting felt too formal.

"Cas." His response felt even more so. "I met with Crowley today. It gave me something new to worry about."

Cas leaned forward to better take it in. "What did you learn?"

"He said that you and Lil need to worry about M's connection with Mirov." Dean's tone was all business. "Can you think of any reason why?" Cas seemed to be thinking it through, then his expression changed a little. "Talk to me. What are you thinking?"

"It might be nothing, but Lil told me a story. It was a story that got me looking into some things. I had done my level best to push it aside, but that might have been a mistake." He glanced past the screen toward Lil's room then he looked back and continued. "She said that she went to Mexico with her mom some years ago. When she was there a man approached them claiming to be family. She said that he had an accent and that he was blonde haired like her. She said that M freaked out about it. They left right after the encounter."

"You think that maybe that man was Mirov?"

"I showed her an old picture and she said that it kind of looked like him. He likely looks much older now. The man she met had claimed that he hadn't seen M since she had been a baby"

"I think that I'll speculate then. So, when I got back to my place after meeting with Crowley, I did a little digging. Turns out that M's mom worked for Niveus. She was in Zaire during the early Mirov days. They knew each other. She left the research facility years before Mirov did though."

Cas seemed to be putting the pieces together. "He could be M's father, though. That's what you are thinking isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Why would Lucky tell you this?" Cas looked puzzled.

"He may have been trying to distract me from the case. Or he may have been worried about Lil. He said that he cared about M. He may have thought that this information would help us protect Lil."

Cas' expression changed subtly at that last comment. "I'll protect her. We haven't seen any dangers out here."

Dean quirked up a brow at this. "All the more reason for me not to come out on Thanksgiving."

"No, you're coming." Cas looked at him with thinly veiled irritation.

"You sound like Sammy."

"You should just listen to your brother, Dean."

"Look, Cas, I'm sorry. I honestly don't think that I should come out there though. I'm worried about how it will go, what it will unleash."

"You are just worried about it being awkward with us." Cas was matter of fact in his tone. "It will be completely awkward, and I don't care. You are coming. Lil expects you to do this. And frankly, Dean, this is just par for the course with us. We never have done anything the easy way. So why shouldn't this be a mess too?"

Dean looked about as though he couldn't quite make eye contact. Then he looked at Cas. "You know, I will never understand why you put up with me. I mean, you don't talk to me for a year and then you find out that I am kind of an asshole. Then, instead of yelling at me and telling me to fuck off, you just accept it and say let's move on."

"Well, I'm not sure if you can wrap your head around this, but, I feel like I made a mistake. I think that I put you in a bad place when I Ieft. I couldn't expect you to become some sort of a celibate without me around. I had even hoped that you would find someone that could be there for you. Now that you have started venturing out, I am not too happy about it, but what can I really do?" He looked away, seeming to consider his next words. "It was the reason why I never contacted you. I thought that you would have a better shot at meeting someone if I didn't get in the way."

"God, we suck. I thought that I was doing the same thing for you." Dean had a slight wrinkle to his brows then. "There's stuff you don't know. Stuff you won't be able to forgive." Dean grew quiet.

"Well, Dean, we'll never know if you don't tell me." Cas' face was warmth and ease. Dean couldn't speak when he looked at him. He didn't want to hurt him.

"I can't, Cas. I really can't. It'll hurt you. I don't want to hurt you."

"Maybe we can wait then. I will hear the rest when you are ready to share it."

"Could I ask you something?" Dean was seeking comfort tonight. He had almost been ready to toss the case aside. He had almost been ready to give it all up. He just wanted to be wherever Cas was, but his life went down another path.

"Ask me anything."

"Why did Lil say that you all would need to keep this Mr. B fellow from coming over on Thanksgiving?"

"Well, not the question that I was expecting." Cas paused a moment then replied, "Like I said last night, he is Lil's teacher. He has been rather interested in me. Lil does not approve."

"Good kid." Dean smiled, then realized that he had said that out loud. "Umm, sorry. I mean yeah."

"It's okay. He's a good man. I told him though that it wouldn't work with us."

"Maybe you should give him a chance." Dean didn't really mean it, but he didn't want to deny Cas a life with someone good, someone stable.

"I kissed him." Dean's face fell a little. He tried to cover a little, but Cas clearly saw the impact of his words. "It was a reminder of the past. All I could think about when he kissed me was how much it wasn't you . I won't be pursuing anything with Carter, just so you know."

"I don't want to hold you back."

"I use to think that too, but you know what. We are both terrible liars. We both want to hold each other back. Neither one of us wants the other to skip off into the sunset with someone else."

"So, what do we do?" Dean thought that at this moment he was willing to follow orders, do whatever Cas said right now. He felt like he was getting a potential shot at a new life. He was ready for his redo.

"We talk at Thanksgiving. We think of ways that we can carry each other through this screwed up life that we are living. We think of how we can do this together instead of apart."

"Okay." Dean looked like he had hope. His face was not the picture of seriousness that it had been at the start of the conversation.

"I'm going to bed. We'll talk. Goodnight, Dean."

Goodnight, Cas. Pleasant dreams." He clicked off the chat.


	15. Tempo Rubato, Cas

The meeting with Pamela promised to be significant. He had decided to tell her about his other life. He wanted her advice. He wanted to know if he was making a mistake. Everyone else in his life had a bias of some sorts. He felt like maybe Pamela would see a path that he had not considered. So after meeting with Lil and going over their homework, writing Thanksgiving letters to each other, Lil ventured out into the waiting room.

"So, Thanksgiving letters, huh? You're kinda phoning it in this week aren't you?" He laughed at the look on her face. She appeared to be insulted. Then the smile crept up at the edges of her mouth and she just laughed at him.

"You got me there. I'm running out of the good stuff. It won't hurt though. She'll focus on good things, things to be thankful for, and so will you. It is a good attitude to have this week." She continued to smile, warm and genuine.

"Pamela, I am grateful for you. Thanks for getting us through this year."

"You sound like you are about to give me a break-up speech. If you want better homework just say the word." She laughed a little, and he joined her.

"No, no. I really just meant thanks. I am hoping for some advice though." He told her the story. He ended some time later, and she looked unhappy.

"So, now you are thinking of moving back to the city, back to that life?"

"Yes." He sounded reluctant. He was a little, since she looked and sounded appalled.

"What the Hell is wrong with you? You almost got killed. Lil's mom got killed. Lil got stabbed. Your boyfriend got shot. The smartest thing you have ever done was leave that hot bed of danger."

Cas was crestfallen. She was saying what he had already believed, but he had spent a fair amount of time trying to convince himself that he had been wrong. "I guess that I already knew that I should not be trying to patch things up with him. It is too dangerous."

"I didn't say that. I just don't think that you should be moving back to the city. If he is the right one for you, then he should join you here, where it is safe."

"What if I can't convince him to do this? I asked him before and he said that he couldn't. I really think that he is deparate. I think that he needs me. I need him too."

"Lil needs you too. Think with your head here, Malcolm." She drummed her fingers on the desk a little. "I am sensing that you have some abandonment issues. You seem awfully quick to want to run back to him. You do know what you are worth, right?" Cas just stared at her, taking it all in. "You have to respond in an audible way, Malcolm. Can't see you remember?"

"Um, that's not entirely accurate, your assessment of me. I don't have abandonment issues, and I have a sense of self-worth."

"So, no one that you have ever loved has left you?"

"I have been left, but I don't have any issues with it. It had to happen. It turned out fine. He was an asshole anyway."

"Sounds like it didn't bother you at all. Clearly, I was completely wrong." She smiled again and Cas scowled back, knowing that he could get away with it.

"I can hear your face; stop scowling. As far as self-worth goes, you should stop thinking that you aren't worth a little sacrifice. If Dean loves you, really loves you, then he will come to you. He doesn't have anything in the city that is worth staying for. You, Malcolm, are worth running to. You said that he is coming here for Thanksgiving. Show him what this life could be. As far as his little dalliance goes, you are going to have to decide whether or not you can get over that. If you can let it go, really let it go. If you can't, then you have to let Dean go." She huffed out a giant breath and said, "Wow, I am on a roll. What else can I give advice on today?"

He laughed at her. "You've given me a lot to think about. I hope that I can convince him that this is where he needs to be. I just don't know if I can take it if he rejects me again."

"If it helps, I don't think that he is rejecting you. I think that he is dealing with his own self-worth issues. I think that he chose to let you go, because he thought that he was bringing harm into your life. At least that is what I am gathering from what you have told me. Maybe you are just painting him with a favorable palate of colors though."

"You may be right. He does have this ever present need to fix things. Maybe he thought that he needed to fix me by removing himself from my life. He had pretty much said something like that once."

"Fucking martyrs." Cas snorted out a shocked little laugh. "On that note, you should get going. Lil's probably bored out of her mind out there. She's too smart to be entertained by Kimmie for too long. Girl's dumber than a pile of soggy socks."

"Ah, she's not that bad." Kimmie was the receptionist that Pamela had hired to replace her last employee, an aged old crone that had to retire at some point. Kimmie couldn't possibly fill her shoes.

"You don't even know. She could not figure out how to work the fax machine, and it's not like I didn't show her how to use it. I mean seriously."

"Maybe, she'll get better."

"Here's to hoping. Take care, Mal. See you next week." She stood and walked with him to the door.

"Yeah, I'll have a full report on that thoughtful homework assignment that you came up with too."

"Good." They both laughed as they left the office. He retrieved Lil from her seat. She was looking over a  _Highlights_ magazine and Kimmie was staring absently at her computer screen. Cas could see the tabs for Facebook and YouTube at the top. Her current screen though was work related.

He smiled down at Lil. "Let's get out of here. We have a ton of stuff to do before our company gets here."

"But Thanksgiving is on Thursday. Today is only Monday." Lil looked up at him.

"And you would be surprised by how fast a week can go by. Now, let's get some shopping done, and later you can help me clean." Lil gave him a sour face, but she followed him without a word of complaint.  _Small victories._

* * *

Monday turned to Tuesday, turned to Wednesday, and Cas was feeling overwhelmed. It was a feeling that was becoming all too common. He had bought some blow up mattresses and had planned to put everybody up on those. It was going to be a very full house. Everybody was doing the plus one deal, Sam with Jess, Uriel with Sarah, Gabe with Kali, and he assumed that Anna would be with someone. It had been a year so, it seemed likely. Then there was Dean.  _His plus one is already here thank you very much._  Cas smiled a little secret smile to himself and then faltered as he considered the sleeping arrangements. He didn't want to assume, but really he did. He wanted to assume a lot.

Instead he redirected his thoughts toward the meal. He had prepared all of the items that could be made the day before. He had chopped and diced. He had even gotten a fair amount of help out of Lil, and now she was off hiding from him so that he couldn't drag her back into his little world again.  _Fair enough, she earned a break._

He had spaces carved out for his friends in all of the available nooks and crannies of his home. Lil's room would be sacrificed to one of the couples. His office area would go to another. Lil would get the couch. Anna would get the living room. She would have to share the space with Lil. He considered just putting Lil in his room, but then he had other plans, assumptions even.

The rooms were filled with the holiday scents that come from fresh chopped herbs and lovingly generous quantities of butter. He was so focused on his task that he didn't see his front screen open or Carter slip in. "Hey, good looking. What you got cooking?" He strolled over to Cas and wrapped an arm around his waist.

Cas slipped away and said, "Here, make yourself useful and prep these." He handed Carter the unpeeled sweet potatoes and went back to work on his pie.

Carter smiled at him and did as he was told. "So, you seem to be expecting an army. Who all is coming?"

"Everyone. Literally."

"I don't recall getting an invite, so I must assume that it is not quite everyone."

"Oh, I, um, sorry. I hadn't thought to ask. I just assumed that you'd be spending it with your family or something."

"Oh, I wasn't angling for an invite. However, if you wanted me here, I'd be here. Otherwise, it is off to dear old mom and pop's for family bickering and awkwardness." Carter focused on the peeling of the sweet potatoes, and Cas did not miss the tone that Carter had used. He really wanted to be at Cas' place for Thanksgiving.

"I can't invite you Carter."

"Oh, I wasn't expecting it." He looked disappointed though.

"It's just that Dean is going to be here."

"Oh." Now he looked very disappointed. "Dude has great timing."

"Hmm." Cas couldn't say much. What could he say really? They hadn't spoken about the kiss. They had fallen back into their routine of simple chit chat and coffee on the front porch. It had been easy and Cas was okay with that.

"I have to admit, that I really want to come over now. I want to scope out the competition." Carter was trying to sound light, but Cas saw through it.

"That would be the most awkward thing on God's green earth. So, no, and then no."

Carter set aside the sweet potato that he was pealing into a misshapen lump. "Is he just coming out for dinner?"

Cas could hear hope in his question. Cas killed it with his answer. "No, he will be staying for a few days."

"So, I guess that I lost you huh?" Cas didn't know what to say to that. He felt awful. He had encouraged him, and then crushed him. Pamela had been wrong, he knew what he was worth, and right now it looked like shit.

"I'm sorry, Carter."

"No, Mal. You told me. Doesn't make it any easier, but you tried." He stepped up to Cas then. "One for the road?" He reached up and cupped Cas' face in his hands. Cas nodded just a little. Carter leaned in and kissed him. It was sweet, and Cas moved into it. He set his hand up on Carter's chest and kissed him back. Carter stepped away before it became deeper. "I'll see you around."

"You will." Cas didn't want to say goodbye as it would sound more final. He didn't want to hurt him. He even felt a stab of loss as Carter slipped out the front door. There was certainly affection sailing around in his heart for this man, and he didn't want to bring him pain. He couldn't set his mind back onto the task in front of him so he didn't. Instead he turned on his stereo and cranked up his music so loud that he couldn't possibly think anymore.

* * *

Thanksgiving.  _I am grateful for time._   _Damn time. I need more of you._  He had put the turkey in the oven and had worked on all of the other foods. The house was roasting sage and herbs of all sorts dancing about in a swirl of smells designed to make one salivate. He added thyme to the stuffing and laughed a little to himself.  _I am grateful for thyme. I need more of you too._ He was giddy with the sheer amount of stuff that he had to finish and the anticipation of a full house within the next couple of hours. His nimble fingers plucked the tiny leaves from the sticks, meticulously separating the thyme leaves from the nonedible parts. Lil was helping too. He gave her several tasks and she was now covered in flour.  _I need to budget in time for a cleanup on aisle Lil._

In this way their day passed. Cas had limited cooking experiences before, but his year with Lil had changed that. They didn't have many options for dining out, and cooking became much more convenient. He developed a repertoire of go-to meals that seemed to be acceptable to Lil. Each week he tried something new, and now he had some skill. The food was all in the ovens and on the counters. Lil had helped set the table, and now all that they had to do was wait. He had chatted with Jess the night before and he had a rough idea of when they would arrive.

He almost wanted to sit outside and stare anxiously out at the driveway. Lil was out there though, and she would act as a little alarm for when they arrived. And as if on cue, suddenly her voice started calling out, "They're here! They're here!" The sound of gravel crunching traveled to him first as the Impala and Sam's hybrid pulled up. Cas went out onto the front porch then and tried to reign in his excitement. Lil, exclamations were an outward display of what he was feeling.

In mere moments, the car doors were open and his people were pouring out. Out of Dean's car spilled Dean, Kali, and Gabe. Gabe rushed him like a charging bull. He threw a hug on Cas that nearly knocked him on his ass. "Missed me much?" Cas laughed and hugged him back.

"Nah." Gabe quipped as he stepped back attempting to recover his composure.

Uriel was next. He was not as wild as Gabe, but he hugged Cas. "We have missed you, friend, so much."

When he stepped away, Cas could already feel himself shaking with the emotion of this reunion. "It has not been easy. I have needed your friendship this past year. No one out here ever calls me on my bullshit." They exchanged a quiet laugh, and it was all that Cas could do to keep his emotions in check. He had not allowed himself to dwell on the distance he had placed between himself and his friends. He had not allowed himself to regret it too much, because he had told himself that he was making things easier for them. In this moment, he realized that this was maybe another moment in his life that he had gotten wrong.

Sarah and Kali were both standing by Uriel and Gabe. Cas took a moment to say how happy he was to see them again. He kept throwing glances out to Dean, waiting for him to approach. He was pressing back the urge to run to him, to hold him, to never let go again.

Anna hovered back by Sam's car waiting for her turn. She slowly edged toward him, as though she was afraid of scaring off a timid woodland creature. "Cas." It was all she could say, He scooped her up and spun her around.

"I have had so many lunch conversations with you this past year. I have missed you, everyday." He had his head tucked into her shoulder as he spoke.

"Then I can't wait to spend the weekend convincing you to come back to us." Cas set her down and she smiled at him. "A year, Cas, a fucking year." There was a layer of guilt in the tone, but it was buried under a deeper layer of sadness.

"I know. I want to make it right though." Her eyes took on a light of hope, and she stepped aside for Sam and Jess.

Greeting them held emotion, but somehow it was not so bad. They had managed to communicate fairly regularly, and that had made things easier for all of them. Sam still threw his arms around Cas, though in a giant moose hug and Jess followed up with her own version. Lil came down and hugged Jess next. They had bonded over many a video chat and the warmth between them was almost palpable.

Dean had not dragged himself from the side of the Impala yet. He seemed to be glued there. "Lil, take our guests inside and offer them drinks." He stared at Dean and then added, "I'll be in in just a minute." The others looked back at Dean almost in unison. They all seemed to realize the need for the moment and headed in.

Cas had not planned for this moment. He had planned for so much else. He had assumed and dreamed and had whole one-sided conversations, but somehow, he had not planned this first interaction. How he should approach, how he should speak or not speak, how he should feel, were all considerations that had been swept aside during the rush to this day. Dean pushed himself off of the car toward Cas.

Neither had said a word yet. Cas stepped toward him, just one step. There was a desire to move faster and a fear that had kept him from firing off like a rocket at Dean. There was room for rejection in this moment. He feared it.  _What if he hugs me and it is cold? What if he puts a platonic spin on everything, keeping me at arm's length?_  Then he looked just at Dean's eyes and saw something reflecting back at him that was so familiar. It was everything that he had felt this past year captured in his look. He thought one last thing before they bridged the gap,  _What if, this time, I hold him and never let him go?_

The steps it took to get together were few and many. Dean's arms were around him, his body was crushed to his chest. Their lips met and it was as though they had never parted, except for the urgency stirring in them both. There was only them and the world fell away.  _I'll never let you leave. Never, never, never._  His mind whirled with the heady intoxication of Dean. His hands were pressed to his back, pulling him in tight.

Dean broke the kiss, but did not let Cas go. "You taste like apple pie."

Not the first words that Cas expected to hear, but they brought a smile to his face. "I was making pies for dessert. I may have sampled some."

"Just when I think I couldn't want you more you go and do that." Dean kissed him again and Cas felt the warmth and familiarity of it blanket him. It was a fire and a welcoming hearth on a cold winter's night. He was home.


	16. Tempo Rubato, Dean

Thanksgiving.  _I need more time._  He was repacking his bag for the third time, and he had thought about just chucking it at the wall.  _I can't do this. I can't go._  His phone buzzed in his back pocket. He knew that it was Sam without even checking it. He was already late, and they were waiting for him so that they could all go caravan style.

He finally gave up on the packing and zipped up the bag. "Whatever." He muttered out to the empty room. He stormed out of the apartment and to his car. He decided to check the phone on the way.

Sam's words came with all the tone that Dean had come to expect from his brother. "Get your ass over here. We can't leave without you. You are carrying passengers."

 _Damn it._  He had thought that he would at least be driving alone. Now he had to deal with the banality of chit chat and people hating on his music. He thought about his potential travel companions and cringed. There was no good option.  _Not Anna. God no, not her. Too awkward. Not Gabe, please. I won't survive. Uriel, maybe. I don't think that he likes me. Maybe I can get Sam to hand over his car and then he and Jess could ride with me._ Then he thought about the past week with Sam and his many attempts at conversation, the awkwardness of Jess stopping him, and the inevitable silences.  _Nope, that plan sucks too. All plans officially suck._

He pulled up to Sam's place and saw the group lingering out on the front yard. "'Bout time you got here Deany-Weany-Bo-Beany." Gabe walked over to the car and tossed in his stuff.

"So, I guess that this means that you are riding with me?" Dean tried to cover his lack of enthusiasm.

"Yep, and Kali. She is going to work, so she gets the whole back seat. I get shotgun." He smiled, endearing in a way that almost made Dean forget that he was a bit of a nuisance, almost.

Sam called over, "So, Bobby didn't change his mind about going?"

"Nope, he is pretty well set on spending the holiday with his gal. I think that he is going all domestic on us." Dean smiled and walked over to Sam and Jess. They each gave him a hug and pitying looks.

"You doing okay?" Sam asked and Jess slugged him.

"Yeah. Should I be worried about all of the domestic violence that Jess has been unleashing on you lately?" Dean looked back and forth from Jess to Sam.

"Someone has to keep me in check." They laughed a little and the mood returned. "We need to get on the road like 20 minutes ago. You all ready to go?"

"Yep. I guess I'll see you there or when we stop for gas." Dean started heading over to his car.

"I won't need to stop, but if you take the lead, I'll pull off when you do."

"Sure Mr. Pretentious Hybrid Guy."

Sam responded in his best dufus voice, "Sure, asshole."

"Boys, boys, seriously, let's get going." Anna gave Dean a subtle nod that seemed to say, no worries. Dean let out a slight sigh of relief. He had wondered if she would feel the need to chat about things. He didn't want that at all.

They got into their cars then and Dean felt time slow down. He knew from the moment that Gabe plopped down in the passenger's seat that this would be a long drive. First, his hand reached for the stereo as if he were going to change the station. Dean slapped his hand away though before any damage could be done. "Seriously." Gabe whined out.

"Yeah, seriously. Baby doesn't like any crappy pop music." Dean gave him a look of absolute seriousness.

"I have excellent musical tastes. It's Uriel you have to worry about. Dude loves Abba. They both cringed a little together.

Kali chimed in, "I don't see what's wrong with that."

"Don't, just don't. We might have to break up." Gabe turned to her.

"Ha, as if. I'm the best thing that ever happened to you." She smiled at him and added, "Plus, Abba isn't bad."

"Back me up Dean."

"I don't know if I should argue with Kali, but yeah, they suck." He had lost some of his worry over the trip with the banter and smiled a little. Then Gabe launched down another path.

"So, it's going to be weird seeing him again after all this time huh?"

"Yeah." He was casting about in his head for an escape, but there was none to latch onto.

"At least you have gotten to talk with him."

"That's a recent development. We only talked a couple of times and they have all been in the last month."

Gabe looked at him in shock. "Really?" How?"

Dean's tone turned a little sharp, "What do you mean, how?"

"I mean, how do you not talk to your boyfriend for over a year? I thought that you two parted on melancholy terms, not like I hate you, never speak to me again terms."

"Yeah, it was a mutual decision."  _Not really._  "He needed space to start his new life, and I needed to not get in the way of that."

"Really?"

"Well, yeah."

"So, did it work? Is Cas like all moved on and such?" Gabe pulled his feet up onto the seat in a weird position, like sitting indian style.

"Don't put you feet on the seat. And, no, he hasn't moved on per se." Dean didn't want to share anymore. Kali was wearing headphones in the back now and clicking away on her laptop. There would be no rescue from the back seat.

"So that explains why you didn't reach out to him, but why didn't he reach out to you?"

"Same song, different singer. He wanted me to move on too, make a new life."

"Did you? I'm afraid I haven't kept up enough with Sammy on your life."

"Nope. Not really. I have not been a saint, but I never actually moved on." He didn't know why he was admitting so much. He guessed that he was looking for another avenue of disapproval and condemnation.

"Hmm, does Cas know about your less than saintly year?"

"Yes."

"And, he is okay with it?"

"He said that he understood. I don't understand, so I don't know how he could. He still wanted me to come out today. I guess that is something."

"So, are you guys going to be like all coupley or is it going to be like awkward friends that don't have a clue what to say to each other?"

"I don't know. I don't know what Cas expects."

"What do you plan to do? I mean, are you going to dive into his arms and such?"

"Wow, chick flick. No. I am not going to do that."

"Why not. You haven't seen him for a year. All that tension, all that stuff, is going to hit you. I bet you totally lose it." Gabe was laughing a little at his vision.

"Glad to amuse you, dick."

"Hey, I'm just saying."

"I don't want it to be any more weird than it has to be. I'm not going to throw myself at him and make it awkward. So, yeah."

"Tell you what. I'll throw myself at him first, then you won't seem so awkward. In fact, I will practically knock that little bugger off his feet. If I do that, then you better step up your game." Gabe stared off ahead at the road and subtly reached out for the stereo knob. Dean let him. Music would prove a better distraction than all of this talk. It wasn't long before he had regrets, though. Gabe had managed to find a soft rock station. He was certain that it was impairing his ability to drive as it was the mellowest, sleep inducing music ever made. When Enya starting singing "Sail Away" his speed had dropped to just under 60 MPH. He glanced out his side window into the passing lane and saw Sam's car pull up alongside his. The window rolled down.

Dean rolled down his window and heard Jess yell over, "Pick up the pace, old lady!"

"Right oh. Gabe is playing sleepy music. I am losing consciousness." Gabe laughed.

"Sorry, Dean." He reached over and switched the dial around until he found a more lively station. Sam's car drifted back behind Dean's and he rolled the window back up.

They rode on, letting the land fly by. Dean counted down the time that he had left before he would have to face Cas. He tried to push the thoughts aside, but they would not simmer down. For a moment, he let himself wonder if it would be okay to hope. Maybe it would be okay to just let this work. He didn't know what to do with that thought, though, so he let it go and concentrated on the road, and closing the distance.

* * *

They pulled into Cas' driveway. It stretched out through the trees and meandered toward a large lake. Dean took it all in with an eye toward safety. It seemed defensible. He had noted the various landmarks in town as they rolled through. The police station, small and tucked away. The coffee shop, Cas' home away from home. The school, fucking kindergarten teacher.  _I'm not going to be able to stack up next to that._

The trees seemed to open up a little as he drew to the end of the long driveway and there was Cas' cabin. He saw Lil first as she galloped around the side of the house hollering, "They're here! They're here!"

"You doing okay, Dean?" Gabe asked. Dean hadn't realized that he was breathing funny.

"Yeah, yeah. Don't make a big deal out of this."

"Big deal? I get to see my best friend that I haven't seen in a year, you better believe that it's a big deal." Gabe got out of the car the moment that the engine cut out. Dean looked out to the front porch and saw Cas standing there like this was the most normal thing in the world. He got out of the car and just stood there staring.  _And that right there, that, is everything._  Then Gabe charged toward Cas and wrapped him in a hug.  _Yeah, you're right. That makes sense, Gabe._

He waited by the car, waited and watched as each of Cas' friends stepped up to hug him. His heart lurched little in his chest as he saw Anna hug him. He pushed the worry down. It was big and it did not comply at first. Then his brother, the gangly mass of limbs nearly crushed Cas in his too tight hug. Dean smiled at them and almost moved forward into the space, then Cas looked at him. It was a small moment between eyes that saw more than they could say. Cas said something, and the group went into the house with Lil.

He felt like the world had gone silent. There was just Cas and he wanted to rush up to him like Gabe had. He wanted to crush his lips to him. He wanted to hold onto him and pretend that nothing else in all the world could touch them. His muscles in his chest tensed up. He pushed off of the car a little bit. Cas bit his bottom lip and edged forward just a little.

Then Dean could not stand still anymore. He bridged the gap. He pulled Cas to him. His body pressed to his chest. His arms were around him so fully that he hardly had room to move his mouth down to Cas', but he managed. It was all that it had been and all that he had missed. It was where he wanted to live forever, right there in Cas' personal space. He felt Cas' lips part and he felt his tongue slip out. He tasted sweet, like apples and cinnamon. His lips were buttery and Dean wanted to taste them and taste them. He was hungry. He had been hungry for so long. He was finally fixing that.

Dean broke away first and looked down at Cas' lips. "You taste like apple pie."

Cas looked at him with surprise then swiftly it turned to a smile. He felt it light up his soul. When Cas spoke it was in that voice that drove him crazy, deep and luminous like a song, "I was making pies for dessert. I may have sampled some."

"Just when I think I couldn't want you more you go and do that." Dean kissed him again and felt the warmth spread out over his heart. Dean opened his eyes and watched Cas kiss him back, with his own eyes closed. Up close like this, there was nothing that could come between them. There was only the warmth, the love, the glorious taste of dessert, and home. Dean Winchester felt as though he had finally come home.


	17. Avec, Cas

The look on his face was best described as glowing. The food turned out as he had hoped. The people at his table looked happy. Lil was across from him chattering with Sam. Dean was at his side. He cast his look around the table at each of them and he felt like his life was never going to be happier than it was in this moment. Uriel raised a glass of Gewurztraminer and said, "Cas, you have made a meal fit for kings. I want to propose a toast to you. To Cas, our host, our chef, and most importantly, our friend. You have been missed. I hope that this Thanksgiving will mark the beginning of all of us coming together with more frequency." He held out his glass toward Gabe and they clinked together.

Gabe said, "Here, here." His smile spreading out to his eyes. He looked over at Cas. "You need to let us be in your life buddy."

"I'm planning to be better about this. I thought that I was protecting you all. I may have been wrong." Cas spoke a little sheepishly and looked over at Dean then back.

"Your heart was in the right place, Cas." Anna chimed in. "What matters most is that. If you do something out of love, then the mistakes that are made are forgivable."

"Thank you, Anna. I don't think that I deserve this forgiveness, but I'll take it." He felt Dean shift about at his side and looked over to him. "What's got you all squirmy?"

"Nothing. I just don't see why you think that you need to apologize is all. You don't need forgiveness because there is nothing to forgive. You did what you thought was necessary to protect people." Cas reached over and took Dean's hand and gave it a tender squeeze. "So, no guilt trips for you."

"Okay, Dean." He lifted Dean's hand up then and pressed it to his lips. "I love you, you big oaf."

Dean leaned over and kissed Cas and said, "You're still cheesy."

"Ah, I resemble that remark."

"Even your reply is cheesy."

Sam started making the universal, I'm getting sick sounds and said, "Well, enough of this sappiness. What awesome holiday film are we going to watch while the food settles?" Sam stood up and stretched out long and lean. He slapped his stomach for effect and Cas laughed at him.

"I may have secured a copy of  _Die Hard_ for the masses." Cas smiled at Sam's reaction.

"Seriously, Cas you are the best." Dean got up next and exchanged glances with his brother, as if to say,  _that's my guy right there_.

The evening was long and filled with laughter and stories. At one point Cas found himself out on the front porch drinking from a warm mug of cider. Anna came out and sat at his side. "I missed you."

"I missed you too." Cas looked at her when he spoke. "Lil made a little friend that reminds me of you. In my head, I call her tiny Anna."

Anna laughed. I haven't met any tiny Cas' back home." She rested a hand on his leg and said, "You know, I didn't mean to make you feel guilty for not communicating with us, right?"

"Oh, I know. Don't worry. I make myself feel plenty guilty even if you all don't think that I should."

"You shouldn't."

"But I do, so, oh well." Cas sipped from his cider and continued to gaze out at the lake.

"I get that." Cas looked at her strangely.

"What could you possibly feel guilty about?"

"Nothing, everything. I just found this past year to be difficult is all." She looked out at the lake and Cas wanted to search her eyes. It would have been easier to figure out what was eating her.

"I have to admit that I had assumed that you would be bringing someone here with you for the holiday." She looked at him funny and he continued, "So, have you met anyone special?"

"My life is filled with special people. You forget who I work with. Gabe has been sending his emails to Sam now. At first, Sam use to open them, now he has learned that they are just porn."

"Poor Gabe. He gets no fun." He wrapped an arm around her and she snuggled up into it. "I meant though, have you met anyone special."

"No. I probably could try harder, but I was lacking my wingman, so I have not had much success."

"I have two single friends out here, but I don't think that either one is your type." She leaned away from him a little taking in his words.

"Please don't set me up, but you should tell me about these boys that are not for me."

"Well, one is gay, so that won't likely work out. The other has a beautiful personality."

"Oh, well. Mr. Beautiful Personality might be my type. Does he have anything else going for him?"

"He likes kids."

"Well, then, next time invite him to dinner. It would be fun to meet him." She fell silent then. Cas draped his arm back over her shoulder and held her. He heard a noise at his back and dipped his head back to take in the vision of who was there. It was Lil, in her pjs.

"I got ready for bed without being asked."

"Well, miracles never cease." He reached back to her and pulled her over onto his lap.

Anna stood up then, "So, are we sharing a room little missy?"

Lil looked up at Cas for clarification. "I had told her that she was going to sleep on the couch and that Sam and Jess would get her room."

"Well, Sam and Jess are already stretched out on the couch, so that seems to be taken. They even pulled out the bed."

"Oh, so are the others situated then?" He stood with Lil in his arms.

"Well, let's go find out." They stepped back into the house and Cas could see that everyone had found a spot to call their own. Dean looked like he was falling asleep in the recliner with a pie plate precariously perched on his knee. Sam and Jess were curled up on the pullout, watching  _Die Hard._ Uriel and Sarah had dragged over one of the air mattresses and they were already comfortably arranged on it. Uriel in fact, was already asleep, mouth hanging open, arm draped over the edge of the mattress. Gabe and Kali were at the table finishing off a little more dessert together. Cas turned to Anna, "So do you want to share a room with the kid?"

"It sounds ideal. We'll braid each other's hair and talk about her awesome dad." She smiled at him and took Lil from his arms, "What do you say to that peanut?"

"Sounds like a plan, lady." Lil chuckled and Anna carried her off to the bedroom.

"Goodnight Lil. Goodnight Anna." He looked down at Dean and saw that he had woken up from his light slumber. He plucked up the pie plate and set it on the nearby coffee table. He sat down on Dean's lap and felt his arms curl up around him. It was a bold move, and rather forward of him, but he didn't feel the need to be coy. They had already leapt past this stage once before. "So, you enjoying  _Die Hard_?"

"Most definitely." Dean smiled at him in a way that could only be described as a little indecent.

"Funny, I could have sworn that you were just sleeping through the best part."

"Nope. Couldn't have. The best part is right now." He wasn't watching the movie, he was just looking at Cas.

"Who's cheesy now?" Cas smiled at him and leaned down a little, resting his head on Dean's forehead.

"Yeah, you have that effect on me."

Cas stood up then and reached out to Dean, who took his hand. Cas pulled him up. "It's been a long day. I think that we should turn in." Then it was Cas' turn to give Dean a smile that could only be described as a little indecent. They walked past the others to Cas' room. Cas said to Gabe as they went by, "You all have enough blankets?"

"Yeah, Cas. Pleasant dreams." His smile turned up a notch as he added, "Or not, since sleep is sorta needed for that." Kali popped him up the back side of his head, and he pulled her into a kiss. "See the abuse that I get."

"Yeah, Gabe, you look so tortured." Cas moved on toward the room with Dean in tow. "Goodnight you all." The ones that were still awake responded and Cas pulled Dean in and closed the door behind them.


	18. Avec, Dean

Dean had been tired before, when he had been watching the movie. The evening had been a deeply emotional one for him. He had worried that it would be a slow build to awkwardness and later rejection. It hadn't been that though. Cas was perfect. He was so much more than Dean even remembered.  _More than I deserve._  He felt the nervous stirring of muscles in his stomach.

They stood just inside the bedroom evaluating each other. Dean stood near the bed and Cas leaned back against the door that he had just closed. His eyes roamed over Dean like they were on a journey, taking him in. "We should talk first." Dean didn't really want to talk. He really just wanted to move into Cas' personal space again.

"No, we shouldn't." Cas moved toward him in two quick steps and had him pulled into a kiss. Dean didn't fight it. It was what he wanted too. He kissed him back and thought about the time wasted, the time that they spent not doing this. He thought about how much easier it would have been to have followed Cas, just followed him to the ends of everything.

Dean felt the guilt though in the back of his mind. Anna was just two rooms away, and Cas needed to know. "We need to talk first." He tried again.

Cas used the moment that their lips were apart to pull Dean's shirt up over his head. "No, Dean. Talking hurts. I need this more." He looked desperate and Dean wanted to fix that, more than he wanted to talk, but he was afraid that he would hurt him more later if he went along with Cas' desires, his desires. Cas seemed to sense Dean's struggle. "Please. You must know what it's been like." Cas laughed a quiet laugh into Dean's shoulder pressing his lips to him as he did so in a series of little kisses.

"Difficult to say the least." Dean muttered out a quiet response.

"Let's just say that I have gotten to know my body pretty well this past year, and the cold showers are a mythical solution. If we talk, we will just hurt. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want us to heal." He tipped back his head and Dean couldn't fight him on this. He wanted to heal too.

"God, Cas, I have missed you."

"Shh." Cas kissed him to shut him up. He pulled away layers of Dean's clothing and Dean did the same with him. He noticed that Cas was slowly kissing down his neck. He could feel the path forming as Cas' hands reached down to squeeze at his thighs. His own hands were wrapped around Cas, one arm firmly around his shoulders, the other low, just on his back.

Cas was blazing a trail lower and lower. Dean wanted that, but more so he did not want Cas to be left wanting anymore. His face, as he had spoken, told a tale of need. Dean had caused that when he did not follow them to their new life. He had caused that desperation. He had to fix it. He pulled Cas back up to him. Cas looked confused. Dean turned them both and pushed Cas backwards onto the bed. He came down to Cas kissing his lips before they could protest. "You first."

And before Cas could reply, Dean bit down on his lip a little and Cas was left with nothing to say. They moved up into the bed more. Dean pressed down onto him, running his hands up to Cas' threading their fingers together for a moment. He felt Cas buck up into his hips a little and he was reminded to direct his attentions elsewhere. He let his mouth wander over the rough textures of Cas' cheek, his jaw, and then down to his neck. The smoothness of his shoulders a contrast to where he had just kissed. There was the salty taste of sweat now to mix with the taste of apples that Dean had discovered on Cas' tongue.  _My boyfriend tastes like pie. How did I get a pie boyfriend._  He was grinning stupidly while he kissed him. He glanced up to see Cas' face and saw that he was being watched.

"What are you grinning at?" Cas ran a hand up into Dean's hair at the back of his head then down to his neck.

"You." He licked his lips and pressed them back down to the path that he was forming. Cas' legs slipped aside further. Dean watched for a moment as Cas' hips bucked up again a little involuntarily. He grinned and looked back up at Cas again. "Just you." Then he lowered himself to him and hoped that he was taking away the loneliness and desperation that Cas had felt before. He hoped that he was giving him the healing that he had said that he needed. He hoped these things as he took Cas in, feeling as though he was healing now too.

* * *

Dean woke up in Cas' arms. Or, rather he woke up in a tangled mess that was him cocooning around Cas.  _Awesome._  He thought about the feel of it all. He thought about the way that they just seemed to get each other.  _Cas was like home._  He had thought this before and almost laughed at himself for being so clichéd . He debated about getting up when he heard Cas mumbling, "Don't you dare get up yet."

Dean hummed back into a nuzzling move deep into Cas' side. "Okay." He had no real desire to move anyway. Moving meant that they would be in the outside world again. He rather liked the world that they had created here over the long night. They had moved together slowly. Dean had remembered the last time that they had been together. It was not what it should have been. It had been harsh and sad. The music blaring out anger and frustration as he took Cas. Cas had been as desperate as he had been. Last night though had been different. Slower.

They had held each other to a slow rocking rhythm. It had been like honey in a jar tipped over in winter. Dean had been frozen for the past year, and in Cas' arms he felt like he was finally going to move again. The sweetness of him, the tender way that his hands ghosted over his chest, his arms, his back, made him decide a great many things.  _I am never leaving you. Not ever again._  He sighed into Cas. Knowing that they would talk, and that the decision might not be his to make. "When will we talk, Cas?"

"What would happen if we never talked about it? What would happen if we just moved on like the past year was not real?" He looked at Cas now. He was about to speak again, but Dean cut him off.

"We can't do that. We can't because I want to stay with you. If I don't tell you everything, you will find out. You will find out, and you will leave me." Dean felt nervous. His stomach was tightening and he fought hard to push down the feeling that he would be sick. Cas moved and disentangled himself. He scooted up into a sitting position. Dean did the same. He felt Cas' hand slide over to him under the blanket. Their fingers threaded together there.

"You plan to stay?" Cas looked hopeful.

"You might not want me to once you hear me out." Dean wanted to fast forward through the conversation, just skip to the inevitable hurt and rejection that he saw coming.

"I think that I will. Last night was meant to illustrate that." Cas squeezed his hand a little.

"Last night illustrated a lot of things, Cas. It was a great illustration of how stupid I was. I should have gone with you when you left."

"We were both stupid. I should have stayed with you." Cas looked sad again and Dean didn't like it. He leaned over and kissed him.

"Look, you keep saying things about how you were wrong to leave. You say that you made mistakes, but I just don't see it that way. You were selfless. Something I aspire to be one day." He smirked over at Cas, and Cas frowned back at him. He continued before Cas could interrupt. "You leaving was for the best. You had to, for Lil. I should have gone with you though. I should have chucked it all to the wind and said, I choose you Cas. I choose you. But I didn't. Biggest mistake I have ever made in my life."

Cas leaned into him now and kissed him back. "So, you plan to fix that then?" He said this with hope. Dean could hear it in each word, the look in his eyes, the way that his breathing hitched a little.

"I slept with Anna." He watched Cas' face change. He watched him move from hope to despair. He watched him crumbling, dying a little right there in front of him.  _I did this. I hurt him. I'm so sorry, Cas, so sorry._  But he couldn't speak the words. He could only watch as his world fell apart in front of him.


	19. Syncopation, Cas

He felt like the strings of a guitar that have been wound too tight. Just before they snap, the strain becomes all too noticeable. Cas got out of the bed and began pulling on clothes. He did not know what to say. He felt like he had felt all those years ago when Charles had rejected him. This was different, sure, but it felt like a type of rejection. He had chosen not to follow Cas into his new life, but he had somehow gotten over it with  _Anna. Of all the things Dean could have done…_  "You said it was a casual hook-up."

"It was."

"There is nothing casual about Anna." He couldn't look at Dean. He just kept his focus on clothes. He was looking for his running shoes. He was going to run now.  _Run, I need to run._  He pulled the shoes from the floor by his dresser and sat back down to put them on.  _Anna. He could have slept with a dozen strangers, and it wouldn't have mattered. Why her? I have to see her. She is in my house right now._  He looked at Dean then and saw that he looked miserable. "So you just slept with her once?"

"No." His quiet answer twisted the knife in a little more.

"Twice?" Cas didn't really want to know. He couldn't stop himself though. He was hurting. He knew that the talking would be horrible.

"No, it was a few times."

"I think that I am going to be sick." He got up and darted into his bathroom, closing the door behind him. He threw up into the sink and began sobbing uncontrollably. He let himself.  _Who the fuck cares if Dean hears me. Why would he do this?_

Then his voice came through the door. "Cas, you want me to go?"

He stood up then and rinsed out his mouth. He let his hand hover over the doorknob for a moment before opening it. "I'm going for a run. I need to clear my head."

"I'll be gone when you get back. I'm sorry." Dean looked down. He seemed like he couldn't make eye contact.

"No. You'll stay." Cas said with some determination. Dean looked at him, confused. Cas looked back with a fierceness. "I might want to talk when I get back. I might not. I don't know. You are going to be here though, going through the same awkwardness that I am. You are going to be here. And if I don't want to talk with you, you will be here respecting the hell out of my decision." He turned for the door. "Did Anna know that you were going to tell me?"

"She knew. She didn't know when, but she knew my plans. She said that she thought that you would forgive us. She said that we were both just lonely and missing you. I'm not in love with her." Dean seemed to be in a rush to explain, but Cas stopped him.

"Don't you dare start talking about love now. I'm going. I'm not ready to hear this." With that he left the room. Gabe was on a computer and everyone else seemed to be sleeping in. He eased past them giving Gabe a quiet pat on the way out. "You heard huh?"

"Yeah, sorry." Gabe was quiet in that moment, thankfully.

"I'll be back in an hour. Don't say anything about it. Okay?"

"No worries, Cas."

* * *

As soon as he was out the door he ran. His feet pounded into the dust, and he was off. The blur of trees, green streaks of color. He was crying, but it was lessening the farther he went. He was trying to push down the ragged breaths. He was trying to control his body. He ran on and on. Eventually, he felt like he was able to slow. He subtly decreased his pace. He focused on the feel of pebbles in the path. He focused on the smell of pine around him, sucked deep into his lungs. He focused on the distance in front of him, empty and a cursed reminder of the path he felt he was on in life.

He had been ready to toss it all. He had been ready to rush back to Dean. Hell, Dean had said that he was ready to come to him.  _So much for fucking progress._  He picked up the pace again, running from the thoughts, the emotions, the ever looming hurt of it all.  _What now? What the Hell do I do now?_ He made it to the end of the trail that had a parking lot. He had to decide whether or not to do the full loop or to turn back. There was a small dock on the lake. he walked out to it and stared out over the water. His hands hung loose at his sides giving him the look of defeat. He kept taking in big lungfuls of air.  _God, I could have loved you through anything, Dean. Anything._  He turned back to the shore, reached down to the pebbles at the water's edge. He scooped up a handful and began tossing them out as far as he could. He looked back at the empty trail. He flung the last of the pebbles out to the water and began the slower jog back to the cabin.

When he got back, he did not go in. People were up, milling around. thankfully, Uriel was already outside. He provided an excuse for Cas to linger a bit longer away from Dean and Anna. "So, you jog now?" Uriel had a mug of coffee in his hands and Cas really wanted to go in and get some. He debated internally about making a mad dash for the coffee and spiriting away with it back to the porch and Uriel.

"I also do karate. I guess I took up all of the exercise to fill the time. It is not as busy here." Cas lowered himself to the step beside Uriel.

"Hmm. Do you miss it?"

"What?"

"The busyness." Uriel passed his mug over to Cas and gave him a little nod.

Cas sipped a bit and replied, "I miss my friends. I miss doing something that I am good at." Cas took another sip and handed it back to Uriel. "Thanks."

"You were eyeing it pretty intensely. I forgot about your near primal urge for coffee, pretty much at any time of the day or night."

"Sorry, I try to keep it in check." He tossed him a half smile.

"So, did Sam tell you that I have been looking into some things?" Uriel swallowed down the last of the coffee and Cas tried not to look disappointed.

"No, he didn't mention it. What have you been looking into?"

"I heard about M's possible connection to Mirov, so I decided to dig a little. I found some things that may interest you. I brought them along. Seems that he is alive. He is currently in Brazil, not far from a small town called Candido Godoi. He has a sizable compound there. He also spends time in Mexico. He has another compound there too. He is doing quite well for himself. He is, I think, deeply involved in drug trafficking"

"Lil had mentioned that he had tried speaking with her while she was with her mom in Mexico. I mentioned this to Dean. How did you hear about it?"

"Sam. Dean put him on it. He wanted him to do a little research. I happened to be with Sam when the conversation occurred. I wanted to help." Uriel set aside the now empty mug. "I hope that was okay."

"Of course. I just don't want to put anyone else that I care about in harm's way. Sometimes just researching something like this is enough to get you in trouble. Are you being careful?" Cas shifted a bit to face him.

"I am. I have only shared my findings with you and Sam. I don't even know if he has discussed it with Dean yet. Will you pass on the information or should I?"

"I'll let him know. Did Sam mention anything else about the connection to Lil and M?"

"Nothing specific."

"I think that Mirov is M's father."

"Oh, that's not good." Uriel stood and picked up the mug as he did. "That is very bad actually." Cas stood too. "He knows about Lil then?"

"I can only assume. I have been doing my best to keep from drawing much attention to us here. I am hopeful that he doesn't know where we are. Eventually though, he may seek us out. I need to figure out how to deal with that."

"Well, it sounds like Dean is planning to move here. It will be good for you to have an extra set of eyes on things."

'We'll have to see about that. No one has set any plans in stone." Cas deflected and turned to go back in the house. Anna was standing in the doorway. Cas looked at her and moved past her into the house. She tried to reach for his arm and he ducked past it. "No, Anna." Gabe was still at the table, only now Dean was sitting at his side. They were watching a video and Sam and Jess were also hovering at the edge of the group. Dean looked over and then back at the screen. Cas heard a distinctive and familiar sound. His voice and Julia's singing "Speechless."

Gabe turned to Cas and said, "Did you know about this, Cas?" Cas made his way over to the table and looked closely at the screen. There he was singing with Julia at the recital.

"How did you get this?" Cas looked at Gabe confused.

"You've gone viral. I found this when I was trolling one of my forums. I was going to send you random baby animals, because, you know. Well, imagine my surprise when this came up." The song was coming to an end and the crowd was cheering. The camera panned, following Cas and Julia across the stage. It kept filming as Lil ran up to him and threw herself into his arms. Carter was standing off to the side, clapping. The video stopped abruptly then.

"This isn't good," Dean said.

"What are you talking about, asshole. He sounded great." Gabe shot Dean a look that said just try to say that again.

"That's not what I meant." Dean shoved back from the table.

"Do you think that Lil and I will have to move?" Cas pushed aside his desire to ignore Dean instead focusing on the issue at hand.

"We'll need to wait and see. It is concerning though. You really needed to be more anonymous, Cas." Dean stared at him with concern when he spoke.

Cas returned the look with mild irritation brewing up under his skin.  _Like I meant for this to happen._  "You know, I did pretty well for a year, and this was not something that I had planned for." Cas stalked back out to the front porch and then off to the lakeside. He scooped up some rocks again from the shore and started chucking them out again. He heard someone coming up behind him. He didn't turn around. Instead he just said, "Go away."

"No, Cas." Dean walked up beside him.

"I expect you to give me space right now." He chucked some more rocks out into the lake. Dean stooped down and gathered some rocks of his own. He stood again, and threw some out into the water alongside Cas.

"No. I can't. I was set to leave. I can't now." Dean threw a few more rocks out into the distance. He aimed high with one and watched it soar out far before splashing down. "I am staying."

"What if I want you to leave?" Cas turned to him. He stared him down. Dean stared back. "What if I am over this?" He waved his hand out in front of him, at Dean and also at himself.

"I am staying. I am doing what I should have done before, but it is about more than just being with you. It is about watching your back. I am worried." Dean took a step toward Cas, and Cas took a step back.

"What if I am done with you Dean? What then?"

"I'm staying. Doesn't matter."

"What if I move on, start fucking someone else? You think that you are staying around for that?" Cas heaved a rock off into the lake.

Dean didn't speak at first. He just stood there looking like he was falling apart. Cas wanted him to feel that way. He thought of a million ways to tear him apart more, then Dean spoke. "I'm staying. You can stop speaking with me. You can hate me. I am staying. You can fuck anyone you want. I am staying. I ruined this. I know it. I am never ever going to be able to fix this, but I'm staying. I love you, and I am staying."

Cas just stood there frozen now.  _You don't say that now. You don't._ He was trying to reign in his emotions.  _I will not cry. I will not let you see me break. I will not let this go. I can't._  "Fine. Do whatever, but you are not living in my house."

"I need to be close. I'll need to stay here."

"No. You figure it out. I am not going to live with you." Cas stalked back up to the house. Anna was coming back out to the porch. She stepped aside and let Cas pass. "He's all yours now." He tossed out as he passed.  _Petty._  He thought, but  _so what._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Syncopation is a musical term that means a disturbance or interruption. It is when something is made to seem off-beat.  
> Also, thank you all for the comments and kudos. Getting those really does spur on my writing. I appreciate you all for taking the time to do that.


	20. Syncopation, Dean

"So, that went poorly." Dean kicked up some rocks at his feet as Anna approached.

"He'll forgive us. But yeah, pretty bad. You okay?"

"What do you think?" Dean looked up at her and scowled.

"Are you going to leave?" She reached out to him, and he shrugged it off.

"No. I need to stay. People can find them. I need to stay, to keep an eye on them. They aren't safe." Dean put his hands in his pockets then and rocked back on his heels.

"Really? So that's how you intend to fix this?" Anna looked at him with skepticism plain on her face.

"I don't know what you are talking about. They are in legitimate danger now. That video tells exactly where they are and that Cas has Lil."

"That it does. And I have thought all along that if someone really wanted to find Cas, or Lil for that matter, it would take nothing for them to do it." Anna looked serious then, "However, you need to stay. You need to make this work. If protecting them does that, then you should do that." She shuffled about a bit. "I'm sorry, Dean. I never should have, you know."

"Not like you made the decision alone. We were both missing him. I just screwed up. I really screwed up." He looked at her and immediately felt worse. "I mean, you know. I, god this is awkward. I have regrets, and at the same time I feel like I am making things worse. I'm sorry Anna. You helped me through a rough patch, and at the same time, I would undo it if I could. You know?"

"I know. I would too, if that helps. I need to figure out how to work this out with him too. Not sure if that is possible. How do you explain to one of your best friends that you slept with his kinda boyfriend because you missed him? Sounds all kinds of messed up. I don't even know where to begin." Anna dipped her head down for a second, her hair fell in front of her face.

"Maybe you just say that. Can't get any worse." He reached out and brushed back her hair from her face. "I am sorry."

"Me too, Dean."

Anna wandered off then, and Dean stayed behind at the lake. It wasn't long before he heard quiet footsteps behind him. He turned a little. "Hi, Dean."

"Hi, munchkin." Lil's arms wrapped around his waist.

"I missed you."

"I missed you too. We haven't gotten to catch up since I got here." She took his hand, and they walked along the shore together.

"Are you going to go home with everyone else?" She looked up at him while they walked.

"I might have to go home temporarily, but I plan to come back. I have to figure things out."

Lil beamed a little. Her smile was all teeth and her cheeks puffed out with it. "Dad is going to be happy. I can't wait to tell Pamela."

"Who is Pamela?" Dean looked at her and couldn't help but smile too.

"She is my talking doctor. Daddy and I go to her once a week to talk about our feelings and stuff. She is the one that got us to go to karate. Do you want to see my moves?" She let go of his hand and took a couple of big steps away from him. She dropped into a slight crouch.

"What are you going to do?" Dean stared at her wondering what someone her size could actually accomplish. She whipped her leg out in a giant arch and landed it square on his upper thigh. She followed up with a swift punch to the gut. Dean actually felt pain. He doubled over a little. "Ow. Any lower and that could have been quite awful. Do you always go around showing your moves like that?"

Dean felt the beginnings of what would likely be a bruise on his thigh. Lil was grinning. "Pretty good, huh, Dean?"

"Yeah, really good. Next time you can show me the moves on the bad guys." She bounded back up to him and took his hand, pulling him along.

"Dad and I practice sometimes at home. He doesn't limp afterwards like you are." She looked at his leg and then back up to his face. "Did I hurt you?"

"Only a little. You mostly surprised me. I didn't know what a fierce warrior you were." He smiled and forced himself to walk better. "So your dad doesn't get hurt when you kick him? I have a hard time believing that."

"He is super strong. He runs sometimes and he does really awesome leg sweeps." Lil was clearly proud of Cas' skills. Dean took it in, feeling like these were things that he should have known. These were things that he should have been a part of, but he hadn't known how to make this life work with his little mission to set the world to rights.

"I wish that I would have been here to see all of this progress that you and your dad have made." He walked on with her. He felt her waving his hand back and forth in a long arch of giddiness. "So have you and your dad been happy here?"

"I like it here. My school is nice. Dad is sad sometimes, but I cheer him up."

"Why is he sad?" Dean knew he just wondered what Lil knew.

"He misses you. We talk about it. I tell him that you will show up when you can. He says that I don't need to worry about that, that I am plenty good company, or something like that. Then we play one of our games or talk to Jess." She let go of his hand and skipped off ahead of him. There was a man on the trail and Dean immediately became more alert.

"Lil." His voice carried a note of seriousness. She wasn't listening though. She bounded off toward the man. Dean picked up the pace and caught up with her. He took her hand. "Let's head back."

"Hey Mr. Barrowman." She called to the man on the trail. Dean stiffened.  _Shit. Not good._

"Hey yourself Lil. Now this does not look like your pops." Carter strode up to them, confident and good looking. His blonde hair swept back from his face in a way that made him seem more youthful than a close cropped cut would. His face was not lean, but had the a fullness that seemed to make him appear happy. There was charm in his eyes that twinkled out when he looked down at Lil. Dean just wanted to punch him in his pretty face.

"This is Dean." Lil was hopping a little at his side while holding his hand.

"Oh, hello. I have heard a lot about you." Carter held out his hand to Dean. "Name's Carter, Carter Barrowman. I am Lil's teacher."

Dean did not want to take his hand. In fact, he was floundering for any excuse not to take his hand. Finding no reasonable excuse, he gave Carter a quick shake. He looked him up and down, sizing him up. Carter was a little taller than he was. He noted his physique, his hair, his approximate age. "You seem kind of young to be a teacher." Dean did not think Carter was too young to teach. He just wanted to determine his age without having to ask outright.

"Oh, um, I'm not." Carter shuffled back a step or two. He looked over at Lil then, "So, are you showing Dean the neighborhood?"

"Yeah. I was showing him my karate moves too." She grabbed Dean's hand and swung it back and forth.

Dean was struck with an idea. It was not his proudest moment. "Hey, Lil, maybe you should show Mr. Barrowman your karate moves." He smiled at her.

"I don't think that I have ever seen your karate moves." Carter gave her his undivided attention. Dean stepped off to the side and tried to keep from smiling too much at what he thought would happen. Lil dropped into a crouch. Within seconds she had swept out her leg in a high arch, nailing Carter in the lower portion of his thigh. Next she punched out, and because Carter was taller than Dean, she caught him in a more sensitive location. He doubled up a little.

"Oh, sorry, Mr. Barrowman. When I did it to Dean, I hit his stomach. Did I hurt you?"

Carter just looked at Dean and muttered, "You knew that was coming."

"Like she said, she caught me in the stomach. Didn't hurt so bad. I don't imagine that was pleasant." Dean turned with Lil and seemed ready to just leave. "Well, nice meeting you. We gotta get back." They started walking and Carter fell into step beside them.

"I might as well walk back with you both and say hi to Mal." Dean didn't like hearing Carter call Cas Mal. He shortened the name Dean had given to him. Dean bristled a little.

He could see the potential for awkwardness, and he was very unhappy with it. The group was outside at a long picnic table. There was a ton of food from the other night laid out on the table and everyone was already digging in. Cas was going in and out of the house with more containers of food. He set down a container and looked down the trail at them. He saw Cas visibly stiffen. Even at this distance, it was obvious that he saw the potential discomfort that they would all be facing at any moment.

Carter did not seem to care one bit. He strode along with confidence despite his recent injury. At least he did not try to talk much. When they got back to the table, Dean began processing the situation. there were three spaces left at the table. On the one side of the table, all of the seats were taken. Uriel, Sarah, Anna, and Kali sat on the one side. On the other was Gabe across from Kali, Jess, Sam and then two empty spaces. Dean assumed that Cas would sit there and that Lil would sit next to him. He also assumed that he would end up with the extra seat that was hanging out at the other end of the table between Gabe and Kali. If Carter joined them, which Dean saw happening, he might try to snag the seat next to Cas.

"I wasn't expecting you." Cas walked up to Carter and gave him a hug. "You should join us for lunch." Carter was smiling with what appeared to be deep satisfaction. He looked out at the gathering.

"Oh, I didn't intend to crash your party. I was just going to say hi."

"Nonsense. You are joining us. Let me introduce you to everyone." Cas rattled off everyone's names and gave little extra descriptions of each person. He noticeably left off any tags for both Dean and Anna. Before turning to the house he said, "So, grab a seat. I'll be right back with an extra chair."

Carter took the spot next to Sam. Dean took the far seat. He really wanted to make things awkward and sit next to Carter. He still wanted to punch him in his pretty face. He pulled out his phone and texted Sam.  _Use your fork, Sam._

Sam reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, saw the message from Dean, and gave him a raised eyebrow of confusion.

Dean sent him another text.  _Just stab him a little. I'd do this for you._  Sam read the text and tried to suppress any look of alarm or humor. He just casually slipped his phone back into his pocket. He turned to Carter and smiled. Carter took this as an invitation to talk. "So how long have you known Mal?"

"Huh? Oh, uh, Mal and I go way back. We met when I first started at his law firm quite a few years ago now." Sam seemed to be making the mental note about Cas' name. Dean looked around the table and saw the others take note of this too.  _Cas didn't tell you who he was. He doesn't trust you._  Dean thought this with a little smug pride brewing up inside of him. Sam kept the conversation going, "So, you met Mal and Lil through the school?"

"Yes, Lil is one of my star pupils." He smiled a megawatt smile and ruffled up Lil's hair next to him.

Lil wrinkled up her nose a little and said, "Mr. B, you are messing up my hair." Then she laughed a little and reached for the bowl of sweet potatoes. The camaraderie between them set Dean on edge a little more.

Cas came back out to the the table with a chair in hand and set it at the end opposite Dean, next to Lil. He sat down and looked out at the too quiet table and said, "Well, what are you all waiting for? Dig in. Lil already is." They laughed and began reaching for platters and bowls to pass around. Periodically, Dean would catch Sam's eye. He looked somewhat sympathetic, but he never managed to stick Carter with his fork, so he didn't earn any awesome little brother points today.

"So, Mal, Carter was just telling us that Lil is a star pupil." Dean wanted to see Cas respond to the name more than anything. He felt like the more he used the name, the more it stood as a reminder that Carter didn't really know him like Dean knew him.

Cas bristled a little with Dean's words and turned to Carter, "So, I should probably mention that Malcolm isn't my real name. Everyone at this table knows me as Cas."

Carter looked a little surprised, but he seemed to roll with it. "Oh, did you take on the new name after you left all of that mess behind in the city?" Carter didn't break his gaze with Cas when he said it. In that moment though, it was clear that Cas had trusted him with a whole lot of information. Dean just grew more irritated.

"You know, he didn't just leave a mess behind in the city. He left some awesome people behind too," Gabe said.  _Way to go, Gabe._ Dean thought. Although, he also felt like the statement had been apt. Cas did leave a mess behind, and Dean was, in his own opinion, a sizable part of that mess. He certainly didn't want Carter calling him that though.

Cas looked over at Gabe and said, "I sure did. I have missed you."

"Ah, now you are going to get all sentimental and move back huh?" Gabe smiled around a mouthful of food.

"Nah, I think that the country life agrees with me." Cas broke the gaze.

Jess piped in then. "So, I guess this means that you have changed your mind about coming home? You were so enthusiastic just a few days ago."

Cas squirmed about in his seat a little. He quickly glanced at Dean then away. He said to Sam, "Would you pass the turkey?" He reached out toward it then added, "I think, Jess, that I need to stay. Lil is doing well in school, and I shouldn't disrupt that."

Lil piped up then, "And Dean is moving here." She smiled over at Dean.

"Oh." Jess clapped her hands up to her mouth. "Oh, my God. Finally, and yay. When were you two going to say something? Here I was just sitting here thinking that something was wrong. I thought that you two were fighting." Then she seemed to catch the look on Cas' face and she stopped talking.

"Well, nothing has been decided yet." Cas shoveled a little food into his mouth.

Dean spoke up then, "Well, that's not entirely true. I am moving out here." Cas leveled his gaze across the table. Dean stared straight back.  _I am going to protect you whether you like it or not._ He waited for Cas to say something, but he didn't. He just stared. "See anything you like?" He didn't want to needle him, but Dean often didn't think things through before he opened his mouth. He saw Cas' look shift a little.  _Ah, shit. Why don't I just shut-up?_

Cas broke the stare and muttered, "So, Dean, you have anything else you want to share, because, seems to me like you are just all about the truth telling." He leveled his gaze at him again. "Suppose you didn't think much when you started sharing your plans with Lil. Or maybe you did. You couldn't just let me deal with this in my own way, my own time."

He felt the weight of the statement. He felt the weight again of what he had done. He had hurt him, and now he was hurting him publicly. Dean got up then, "I'm sorry." He marched off with that one pronouncement. It was all that he could do. Cas was right, a little, and he felt like an ass. He considered going home. He considered giving up. He considered all of it and walked to his car. He needed to drive. He needed to do something. Most of all though, he just needed to put as much distance between himself and Cas as he could, so that he would stop hurting.


	21. Retenu, Cas

He watched him go, and a small part of him wanted to follow him. Uriel reached over and rested a hand on his arm. "You okay, Cas?"

"Yeah, just, give me a minute." He stared down at his plate.

He glanced up and noticed that Anna was doing the same thing. She looked up then. "I'm sorry, Cas."

"No." He looked back down.

"I am. We really just missed you. It never meant anything beyond missing you." Cas looked back at her and stood up. "He loves you, Cas. Not me."

His gaze swept the faces of those still at the table. There was a dawning realization forming on all of their faces. "Well, I don't think that this could get anymore awkward. So, I think that I need to go walk a bit, clear my head." Cas moved from the table and turned to Sam, "Keep an eye on Lil for me."

"Of course." Sam reached over and patted Cas. "I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"Well, now we all know." On that note, he marched off down the trail.

He got about a half mile down the trail when he heard footsteps behind him. "It's not an elegant escape if someone follows you." He turned and found Gabe standing there, looking sheepish.

"Sorry. Thought that you would want a friend in this."

Cas felt his resolve fall a little. Gabe stepped over and hugged him. It was good to be able to just feel what he was feeling. "This is shitty. It is just so shitty."

"Yeah. I'm sorry, Cas." Gabe let him go and stepped back a little. "For what it is worth, I think they feel pretty shitty too."

"Good." Cas felt petty but he also felt like he was entitled to feel however he wanted to feel. "Sorry, I know this is awkward. Anna is your friend too and here I am going on."

"Um, Cas you are allowed to be upset. So, be angry. Be upset if you need to be. I can handle it." Gabe reached out a hand to him and gave him a small squeeze on his shoulder.

"The worst part, Gabe, I had already forgiven him. I knew that he had been with someone, and already was over it. He said that it was casual. Anna isn't casual. Plus, I have screwed up everything here now."

"What do you mean?"

"I never should have taken a job that would risk us getting noticed. I didn't even think and now my face and Lil's is all over. I have to uproot her from school and move, probably. I don't know. Everything is a mess." Cas walked off to a bench that was down the trail a bit and took a seat.

Gabe stood off to the side for a while before sitting beside him. "So, you aren't going to let Dean move here?"

"I told him to do whatever he wanted, but that he would not be living in my house."

"Reasonable."

"Completely."

"You plan to talk with Anna?"

"No. Why should I?" Cas was bent down a little, leaning his arms out along his thighs.

Gabe rested a hand on his back and said, "Because you might feel better."

"I don't see that. I just see it being worse. I mean, what would you do?"

"Sulk. Then I would anonymously send them the worst porn on all of their work emails, and I would likely cc their bosses just to add to their awkwardness." Cas turned to him expecting humor and instead saw seriousness on his face. He had to laugh. Gabe laughed too. "I don't know why you're laughing. I would totally do that."

"I know. That is why it is funny." They sat there for a time like that and just stared out at the lake. "Did Carter leave?"

"Yeah, I think that he made some sort of lame excuse about needing to get home. He was just feeling awkward."

"Understandable."

"Yeah."

"Did Dean come back before you left?" Cas looked over to him again.

"No."

"I don't want to be angry at him."

"I know. You are allowed this though."

"How am I supposed to let him live here?"

"I don't know. You really should talk to Anna though."

"Well, you certainly are Johnny One-Note."

Gabe got up and stretched a bit. "You didn't have to see them once you left, Cas. I did." He turned back to Cas and pressed his hands into his pockets. "Sam, Uriel, Anna, Dean and I went out for drinks a little after you left. It was like a month or two. Anna and Dean were pretty miserable. They drank a lot, told some sappy stories. Uriel, Sam, and I played pool most of the time. It was pretty clear that they were both struggling. Anna use to come by my office and try to chat. I went to lunch with her a few times. Sam did too. Uriel and Sarah had her over for dinner a few times. Overall, though, none of us filled the gap that you left with her. I mean you all spent holidays together."

"Are you trying to make me feel guilty for this?" Cas stood too then and had every intention of marching back off down the trail away from all of this.

"No. I just thought that it would be best if you knew what they were like. You might tell yourself that they wanted this, but I have a funny feeling that it was not like that. Dean was pretty excited about seeing you again. I imagine that Anna was feeling the same."

"I don't know how to feel about all of this."

"Just feel. Just let yourself feel whatever you need to be feeling. When you are ready, talk to them. But, and I mean this, Cas, you have to talk to them. This past year of not talking to any of us, was kinda bullshit. I am not even going to pretend to understand why you never felt like you needed to talk with me."

"I'm sorry." Cas was feeling overwhelmed again.

"Don't be sorry. Just try to stay in my life a little more this time. Okay?" Gabe raised his hands up to Cas' shoulders and made him look at him. "I mean it."

"Okay, Gabe." He waited a moment and added, "Thanks for still being you."

Gabe laughed, "I wouldn't know how else to be."

* * *

Cas and Gabe returned to the house and everyone was packing up for the trip home. It would make going home in the morning easier for all of them. He had wondered if Dean and Anna would just leave tonight to avoid the awkward. As the evening descended upon them all, Cas decided to seek out Anna. She had done her best to stay away. She had spent some time out in Lil's room and then later out on the porch. Lil had been amused by something Uriel and Sarah were showing her on the computer. Sam and Jess were throwing dinner together.

When Cas finally decided that he could face her, he almost reconsidered when he saw her sitting on the porch. He sucked in a deep breath though and came down to the step to sit next to her. Neither one of them said anything at first. They both just sat there. After a time Cas said, "I'm sorry I didn't communicate with you this past year." Anna just sobbed and threw her arms around him.

"What the fuck, Cas. You don't get to apologize. I am so sorry." He hugged her back, choking back his own sobs.

He slipped back from her and said again. "I was trying to protect you all from me when I didn't communicate. I thought that you all would be better off if I kept you all from being too connected to us. Turns out I may have hurt you all in a different way."

"You seriously should not be apologizing. I feel like shit, Cas and you apologizing makes me feel even worse." She was running her hands over her eyes, failing to rid herself of her tears.

"I'm not over it. I just know that I own some of this. I couldn't let you leave here tomorrow thinking that I would be carrying this forever."

Anna nodded. "You should be pissed. I kept telling Dean that you would forgive us. I never should have been so flippant. You shouldn't forgive me, Cas. I am so sorry."

He hugged her again and said, "I am pretty sure that I will never be comfortable talking with you about this. This is about as okay with this as I will be. I won't ever be comfortable with you around Dean either. I doubt that he and I can salvage things, but I won't ever be okay with you and him. You need to know that."

"There is no Dean and Anna. We were using each other to cope with you not being there. I just need to know that I have a miniscule chance of fixing my friendship with you."

"It won't be like it was, but in time, maybe we can see a path through this." He looked out into the night across the lake. The moonlight lent its glow to the world around them. "I missed you so much."

They fell into silence then, and he draped his arm over her shoulder and pulled her close. The night was quiet around them with only the familiar noises of his friends drifting out of the house from behind them. When it finally became too cold to linger anymore, they made their way into the house and to their friends.

* * *

Cas wondered how the night would play out. He had given Anna some small forgiveness, but he was not yet ready to give Dean the same. He wondered if Dean would come back in the night and try to talk. He wondered if he would try to come back and just avoid him. He imagined him sleeping out in his car all night. That seemed like the most likely outcome. He was okay with that solution. It seemed like it would be less awkward. He wondered also, about the long term situation. Dean said that he was going to move to Jacksonville. He flat out said it. Some small part of Cas was actually happy about this, despite the other grand issues that were weighing heavily on them.

He also was rather unhappy about it. He did not like the idea of having to figure out his own emotional issues now with Dean watching him fall apart. He would rather sort through his feelings, compartmentalize them, and then work Dean back into the orderly life. I might not want to even do that. I should be allowed to figure my feelings out. He should give me some space. Cas heard the noise of Dean's car pulling back up to the house at around 2:00 am. Everyone had long since gone to sleep. He laid there and waited. Dean did not come into his room. In fact, he did not hear Dean even leave his car.

There would be tomorrow. He could see himself talking with Dean then, maybe. There would not be resolution, but he could imagine coming to a reasonable compromise about their situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Retenu is a musical term for holding back.
> 
> I have really felt spurred on by the many comments that you all have left on this. I've actually posted daily because of them (this is a short term reward for your kindness). Thanks so much. Also, you can find me on tumblr at spearywritesstuff.


	22. Retenu, Dean

Dean drove into the town and parked for a few minutes before choosing to wander aimlessly through the town. He went to the park and sat for awhile. Eventually, it became too cold for him to sit outside. He walked back to the square. He saw that at least one business was still open. It was a coffee house. He went in and saw Garth behind the counter. "Well, fancy meeting you here." Dean marched up to the counter and Garth came around the side.

"Yeah right, come here and get a hug." Garth laughed as he pulled Dean in.

"Oh, I forgot that you were always a bit of a hugger huh?" Dean hugged him back a little and then pulled away. "How have you been?"

"Pretty good, Dean. Pretty good. So, you decided to come see Cas, huh? He had mentioned that you were going to be coming to see him." Garth pointed over to some seats and added, "Go, sit. I'll get us some coffee." Dean complied and Garth left him to go get them some drinks. He came back to Dean with coffee and handed one mug over to him. Garth sat across from him and waited. He seemed to be expecting Dean to open the conversation with something. "So, how was it?"

"What?"

"Seeing Cas again." Garth sounded like he found Dean to be a little stupid in that moment.

"Oh, fine. I mean...well, it was fine." Dean gulped down some coffee. He set the mug down and looked steadily at Garth when he added, "I fucked up, Garth. I mean, I really ruined everything. He'll never be able to forgive me."

"Are you sure. I mean, he knows that you cheated on him and yet he was still excited about you coming here."

"He talked with you about that?"

"Yeah, like I said before, he and I are friends. He understood the situation that would lead you to moving on without him. He didn't think of it as cheating. Technically, you two kind of broke up, right?" Garth nursed a few sips from his coffee, then leaned back into his chair.

"I think that he was able to forgive me until he found out that I had slept with his best friend." Dean couldn't make eye contact. He picked up the mug again to have something to do.

"Oh, Dean. How could you sleep with Gabe? I mean, honestly, he does not even seem like your type." Garth looked a little appalled, but not as appalled as Dean in that moment.

"What? No, I didn't sleep with Gabe. I slept with Anna. Wow."

"Oh, that is even weirder. I thought that you were gay."

"Apparently, you thought wrong." Dean sipped from his coffee.

"So, you aren't gay?"

"Bi, would likely be the more accurate term. The label hardly matters at the moment. I am in love with Cas. I only slept with Anna because I was stupid and lonely. To make matters worse, I need to move here. Cas has a video from the recital night that has gone viral. It shows him and Lil. If someone wanted to find them, they could do so pretty easily now."

"Oh, that is  _no bueno_. Should they move?" Garth sat up straighter and set his mug down on the table.

"I'm not sure. I think that if someone wants to find them that this video will not be the only means by which they are tracked. Part of me thinks that they should stay here, but with an extra set of eyes on them.

"Do you think that Jorge would let you spin your wheels out here for a few months?"

"Not likely. I think that I will have to quit. Not sure though." They both stopped talking then, though, because the front door was opening.

A woman walked in. She was in uniform. Garth addressed her. "Now, Missouri, the people are going to start talking if you keep coming in here trying to get me to date you."

"Oh, really. Are you trying to start rumors now? You get more and more ridiculous by the moment, Garth. Now get me some coffee, before I pass out. I'm on 'till 11 and I don't think that I am going to make it." She smiled and it was full of joviality. Her eyes were brown and radiant as she turned to Dean. There was a moment where the two of them just locked eyes and stared. "Are you…" She stepped up closer and really peered into Dean's eyes. "No, you can't be. Are you John Winchester's boy?"

Dean sat up a little straighter. He looked like he was trying to figure her out. "I am. I'm Dean. Should I know you?"

Before he could do a thing, she had him scooped up into a hug. "Oh, my sweet Jesus. I cannot believe that I am actually hugging John and Mary's boy. I just can't believe it. What in the world has brought you to Jacksonville?" She let Dean go and noticed his confusion. "Oh my, I have freaked you out a little, haven't I. Sorry. I guess that you were a little young back then. Your parents and I use to be quite close, quite close. We all use to take some vacations together, the whole bunch of us. You must have been like five or six years old, last I saw you. Now your mom, she kept in touch with cards and pictures, but never could rely on John for that sort of thing." She stopped and seemed to catch her breath.

"Oh, well, it is nice to meet a friend of my parents. I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you."

"Well, how would you? I haven't seen you since you were a wee thing. By the way, my name is Missouri Moseley."

"Oh, wait, dad mentioned you tons of times. Mom too for that matter. I can't believe that I didn't recognize you right off. You are in a photo that they had on the mantle for years." Dean noted the smile deepening on her face.

"Yeah, we use to spend a fair amount of time together. I was really sad to hear about both of them passing. They were good people."

Garth came back over to the table with Missouri's drink. "So, did Dean tell you that he is in law enforcement too?"

She slugged him on the shoulder then and said, "No way. You get out of town. Your parents got you on their path."

"Yeah, I felt like there was a lot that I could offer the profession. Did some undercover work, had a beat, pulled desk duty. I have been kind of a jack of all trades at my precinct."

"So, Missouri, is Phil still planning to retire next month?" Garth threw out.

"Oh, I see where you are going, Garth. Dean, are you looking for a move out to the fast paced world of Jacksonville? If so, I might just have the job for you." She smiled again, that great big charming smile that she had first greeted him with.

"I'm looking to move out here. Are you taking applications for the position yet?" Dean was trying not to sound too hopeful.

"Applications. Ha." She turned to Garth and they rolled their eyes together. "No one is going to apply for this job. I'd be lucky to find someone that even wanted to consider it a year out from now. So, tell me you are interested. Make my day."

"I'm interested."

She got up then and did a little stomping dance around the side of the table. "Oh, you just made my day, my month, my year, Dean Winchester." She pulled out a card from her pocket and handed it to him. "You just give me a call and we will set this up."

She practically danced out the door with her coffee. Garth looked over at Dean with a smile. "Now I would say you have some choices to be making, don't you?"

"Uh, rather unexpected. I don't think that I can avoid going home for a bit to deal with the old job and my living situation." He drummed on the table with his knuckles. "I didn't think that it could be easy."

"Sometimes good things do happen.' Garth smiled at him. "Now, you just need to figure out how to fix this thing with Cas."

"That's the plan."

"You know that I mean the relationship part, right?"

"Yeah. I have no clue what to do on that front. He says that he wants me to stay, but he doesn't want to talk with me about it. He doesn't want me in his house, but he said I could do whatever. He asked if I would be okay with him sleeping with other people. Like a fool, I basically said yes. The whole thing is all kinds of screwed up and I don't know what he wants me to do to fix it."

"Did you try to talk to him anyway?" Garth gave him a little pat of comfort.

"Yeah, I told him that I loved him. That was the wrong thing to say. Leave it to me to say it for the first time when he can hardly look at me." Dean rubbed at his jaw a little like he could feel a bit of pain there from all of the talking. "Then I said stupid things at lunch. I get nervous around groups of people, then I say dumb things. I'm okay sometimes when it is just a one on one situation, but throw a group at me and I get a case of verbal vomit."

"Dean, Cas knows you. He does. The worst part about all of this is that you two haven't had each other through all of this. If you had, obviously, none of this would be happening right now, but what I really mean is, you both kinda came to depend on each other a lot in a short amount of time. Then you both just went completely cold turkey during an incredibly difficult part of your lives. He needs you. You need him. I believe that you will work this out. You just need an opening, and conversation that is not filled with you being stupid." Garth smiled at him to let him know that he meant well. Dean smiled back.

"Keeping from saying stupid things is the hard part. I suck at words."

"Well, maybe you'll get a little divine intervention." Dean felt good for a moment. He felt like if Garth could sound positive that maybe it all wasn't so lost. He began making plans in his head. Plans for talking with Cas, plans for talking with Jorge about the job, plans for talking with Missouri. His head was quite full of plans. He drove more when he left Garth and the coffee shop. In the end he had to come back to the house. He felt awkward for a second, sitting in the driveway. He thought that he should go in and sleep on one of the chairs. That would only be slightly awkward. Then he ran a hand along the seat of the car and committed. He decided to just sleep out there. It would be hell on his back, but the Impala was a little like home, and he needed to feel that comfort more now than ever.

* * *

Dean woke up with a crick in his neck and Lil's face pressed up to the glass of his car. She had her mouth open wide on the glass and she was puffing out her cheeks. Dean was laughing pretty heartily when he spoke, "Good morning to you too munchkin."

She stepped back from the window and reached down to the door handle. She opened the door and got into the car. Dean scooted over to accommodate her. "Why are you sleeping out here?"

"Because I'm stupid." Dean didn't know what else to say. He also knew that he had to be careful not to tread on Cas' relationship with Lil by oversharing.

"What do you mean?" Lil raised her hands to the wheel like she was driving.

"I got back late. I didn't want to wake anyone up." Dean turned the key in the ignition a little to start up the heater. He could handle the morning cold, but Lil shouldn't have to.

"You and dad still fighting?" She looked at him for the answer.

"I wouldn't call it fighting." He avoided.  _Good job Dean._

"What would you call it?"  _Damn._

"I would call it me being stupid and your dad being justifiably unhappy with the situation."

"So, you have a girlfriend and a boyfriend, and that made dad upset?" She still looked at him. It was an intimidating stare coming from a kid.

"I don't have a girlfriend. I am only interested in your dad." Dean looked away from her trying to find a way to end the conversation. "So, should we go in and get some breakfast?"

"No." She fiddled with his stereo until she had it on a station that was playing some sort of sappy pop music.

"Tell me you don't like this music. Please, Lil." He ran his hands up to his face in mock despair.

"You don't like this?" She looked at him like he was crazy. Then she started singing along, "And you're gonna hear me roar." She dragged out the word roar in a way that was cute, and Dean couldn't help but smile at her.

"Well, maybe if you keep singing it, I might like it better." He leaned his head back on the headrest and closed his eyes a little while she kept singing. He told himself that he needed to get her some Zeppelin for Christmas, or maybe a collection of classics.  _Never too early to broaden the kid's musical horizons._  He was making an assumption that he would be here at Christmas and that he would be welcome in Lil's life.

The song ended and another began. Lil turned to him. "You need to tell him that you are sorry. That always makes it better."

"Hmm." Dean didn't want to go down this path with her, so he avoided it. He reached over and pulled out the keys and then slid out of the car. She followed him out.

"You are still going to try to move here aren't you?" She reached out a small hand to his arm. She looked sad.

He didn't want to disappoint her anymore, and he had every intention of moving there, so he scooped her up and said into her ear, "Yes, I am moving here. You haven't gotten rid of me and neither has your dad." He marched her up the steps of the front porch. He looked at her face then to see if she approved of his plan. "Are we good?"

She looked at him in a questioning way. "Yes." He put her down then and she took his hand and lead him into the house.

* * *

The day was a bit of hustle and bustle. Dean sat next to Lil and ate a little breakfast, drank a little coffee, and listened to Gabe talk about a case that he and Uriel had been working on together. Every now and then Cas would look at him, only to quickly look away again. Eventually, everyone started packing their bags into their respective vehicles. It had been decided that everyone would just return home in the same vehicles that brought them to Jacksonville, meaning that Dean would have Kali and Gabe in his car again.

He wanted to talk with Cas before he left. He wanted to at least tell him that he would be back within days. He was even willing to deal with the inevitable look of irritation that this would bring to Cas' face. Dean made his way out to the front yard and tossed his bag in the trunk of the Impala. He heard the footsteps behind him and expected to see Gabe. Instead it was Cas.

"So." Cas shuffled about and didn't seem to be planning to continue his sentence.

"Yeah." Dean leaned back against the car and watched Cas avoid looking at him. "I'm going to be back in a couple of days. I have to let Jorge know that I am leaving. He might need me to wrap some things up. Worst case scenario, I'll be there for a week."

"Isn't two weeks notice customary?" Cas finally looked up at him.

"He might ask for that. I don't know. I've never really quit a job before." Now it was Dean's turn to look away.

"Maybe you shouldn't. No one is asking you to do this." Cas continued to stare at Dean, as if now that he had started it was more difficult to look away.

"Look, I know that I screwed up. I know that you can barely stand me right now, but I need to do this. I need to know that you and Lil are okay." Dean looked back at him.

"So, how long do you plan to stay here for?"

"As long as is necessary."

"That is a rather vague timeline." Cas pushed his hands into his pockets then and looked off at the lake. "Where will you stay?"

"Here."

"I already told you that you aren't staying in my house." Cas looked back at him with a stare that said,  _Don't challenge me._

"I know. I'll figure something out." Dean looked back at his car.

"You can't live in your car, if that is what you are thinking. We have harsh winters here. You need to figure something else out, a hotel or something."

"I said, I'll figure it out." Dean tried to curb his irritation. He hadn't figured any of it out except that he was going to be close to Cas, and here Cas was shooting down the one tiny plan that he had to just stay in his car until he could figure out a better way. He decided to take a different path. "Turns out, I know the sheriff. She pretty much offered me a job here. So, at least I won't be completely without prospects."

"That was fast." Cas seemed like he was preparing to retreat back to the house then he said, "I talked with Anna."

"Oh." Dean pushed his hands into his pockets, feeling suddenly nervous.

"Yeah, I needed to make sure that she didn't leave here thinking that I hated her. I don't. I don't hate you either. I'm angry. I feel a little like my life is going to be me constantly getting rejected. Pamela was right. She said that I need to know what I am worth."

"I wasn't rejecting you." Dean threw in quickly.

"It feels like rejection when someone replaces you with someone else." Cas didn't say anything for a time and Dean couldn't think of a counter argument, so he just stood there too. "I can't just toss this aside. Even you told me that I needed to get some self-esteem or some such."

"I was an asshole. But I don't need you to forgive me or even take me back. I know what you are worth and it is a heck of a lot more than me." Dean couldn't look at him. He just spoke and pushed aside the too heady emotions that were threatening to loosen his tongue further.

"I need to go see everyone off. I feel like we have too much to talk about. Maybe when you get back, we can talk some more." Then Cas did something unexpected. He reached out and placed his hand on Dean's shoulder. "Okay?"

"Okay." Dean looked from the hand to Cas and felt, again, a little more like he was getting more than he deserved.


	23. Affabile, Cas

The house was quiet with them gone. Cas felt the emptiness full in his chest. There was regret too, but he knew that he was right to hold off on a more in depth conversation with Dean until later. He knew that he needed to sort his own world out too. It was important to figure out his feelings before he could share them with someone else. He remembered how it had been in the past, when Charles had disappeared from his life. He didn't want to be that man again, the kind of clingy, needy guy that couldn't even feel complete on his own. It took years to figure out his worth, and now, here he was again.

He didn't want to be viewed as pathetic. He felt like he was dangerously close to being pathetic. Forgiving Anna didn't make him feel pathetic. It made him feel generous. He also felt that her choices with regards to Dean were different. So, he would find a way to pass the time. He would sort and fix his fragile emotions. He would spend time with Lil and distract himself from the things that swirled around him.

"Wanna go to town, get some coffee." Cas poked his head into Lil's room.

"I don't drink coffee." She smiled at him and stood though, putting on her overcoat.

"I'll get you a cocoa. It'll be good to get out for a bit." He slipped his hand into hers, and they headed out to the Triumph.

"We're taking the motorcycle?" She asked as he picked up the helmet and handed it over to her.

"Yeah, you don't think it's too cold, do you?" He started fastening the helmet to his own head and got on the bike.

"It's a little cold. Just don't go too fast." She climbed up behind him and held on as he started up the bike and then headed out. It was fairly dead in town, but the coffee shop was open.

They walked in and Garth was leaning into the counter, reading a newspaper. "Hey you two. What brings you to this neck of the woods?"

"A great need for coffee. The Thanksgiving guests have flown the coop." Cas plunked down some cash and added, "Oh, and Lil would like a cocoa." He turned to her. "You want anything to eat?"

"A muffin." She pointed at a blueberry muffin that looked to be about the size of her face. Cas nodded at Garth to signify that the choice had his approval. "Can I draw on the chalk wall?"

Cas nodded and said, "Sure, but take your muffin and drink with you." The coffee shop had a large wall that was transformed into a chalkboard wall. People wrote poetry on it, and the lower reaches had children's drawings. Garth handed him his coffee and poured himself one too.

Garth nodded over to a table, their usual. "Wanna chat?"

"Am I that obvious?" Cas took the cup over to the table and felt himself sink into the seat.

"Well, it was obvious that there would be much to talk about after Dean stopped by. Not to mention Carter."

"They both came in to talk to you?"

"Well, not at the same time, but yeah. I think that I am fast becoming the resident expert on your love life." Garth sipped from the coffee and added, "How are you, Cas?"

"Good. Well, not good, but you know." He sipped at his own coffee, pushing back his feelings so that they would not bubble to the surface. "So, Dean told you about Anna?"

"Yes. He seemed like he was pretty upset with himself over this mess."

"He should feel upset." Cas set the cup down and then added, "I also don't know how I feel, so talking to me is going to suck a little. One minute I am sad and mopey about him, the next I am angry and I just want to hit him."

"Well, I hooked him up with Missouri. At least he'll have a job while he is here. You'll also have an extra set of eyes. Maybe you two work out your stuff, or maybe you don't. Him being here can't hurt though."

"It can and it did." Cas took a gulp of the coffee and added, "I feel pathetic. I want him back and at the same time, I don't want to seem like some desperate teenager. What he did matters. Anna matters."

"So where are you going to let him stay? On the couch?" Garth raised an eyebrow at that.

"No, I told him he couldn't live with us. I think that he was planning on staying in his car next to my house. Crazy, huh?" Cas cupped the mug and held it in front of him, breathing in the steam.

"The things you do for love." Garth muttered.

"Or stubbornness."

"It's love. Dean just isn't always good at how he shares his feelings." He got up then and marched over to the counter and reached over the side to retrieve his phone. "I got this friend out here, actually not so much a friend, but he is usefull. Anyway, he has a trailer that he has been meaning to sell. It is kinda awesome. It is an old Airstream. It needs tons of work, but it might do in a pinch if you need a place to stash Dean. Then you won't be caving in too quickly and you also get the added protection of having a cop around. Win-win, huh?"

"I'm not sure. Aren't those things like collectible or something? I am pretty sure that it would be on the expensive side." Cas was drumming the side of the cup with his fingers in time to the music playing on the speakers. It wasn't a new song. He thought that it was called "Pompeii."

"I'm pretty sure you could swing it, Cas. It isn't like you have ever seemed to be hurting for money. Ya, practically offered to pay for my salary not so long ago."

"Okay, talk to the guy and find out what he wants for it. Seems like the best solution for now." Then Cas moved the conversation down a different path. "So, what did Carter have to say?"

"Hmm, well, he just had some thoughts on the whole Dean sleeping with Anna thing. He seemed to think that it might be helping his cause a bit. You had to expect that though." Garth finished off the coffee and set down his mug.

"I'm not running off to Carter. Dean may have done something that I am not too happy about. I may think sometimes that he acts like an idiot, but he is my idiot, so I need to figure out how to deal with him. I don't need to add any other complications to this already too complicated mess."

"So, Carter would be a complication?" Garth cocked a brow up at him.

"Likely. He's great, don't get me wrong, but he should be with someone that can actually love him. I'm not looking for someone to replace Dean. I just need to make sure that I am thinking right. I need to make sure that I am not sailing down the path that I did before with Charles."

"Who was that?"

"My ex. Before Dean. I don't want to be the kind of guy that just gets needy. I am worried that if I just accept this like it was nothing that I'll just be that guy again. I was pathetic Garth. I can see myself being like that again." Cas finished off his coffee, but he kept holding the cup.

"Well, Dean's not going anywhere, it seems, so you might as well take your time figuring out your feelings. I don't think that there is anything wrong with a slow approach. I mean, how long did you all know each other before you moved here?"

Cas felt a little awkward as he thought about the timeline and then said, "A couple of months, but Sam was always talking each of us up to the other, so it felt like longer." Cas realized that he sounded a little defensive.

"I wasn't trying to imply anything by the question. I just think that maybe taking a little time to work on a friendship between you wouldn't hurt. The best relationships, in my book, always start out as friendships."

"Well, by that standard then I should just start dating Carter. He and I have been pretty tight for a good year now." Cas set the cup down and looked off at Lil.

"Is that what you want? You do seem to be a little indecisive." Garth picked up his cup and took it over to the counter to refill it. He returned to the seat a few moments later. Cas had waited for him before answering.

"I don't know what I want. Like I said before, I will likely not make any sense for the foreseeable future. One minute I am sad, the next angry. Now I apparently am going to flip-flop between Dean and Carter. I think that I just need to let my head settle. I need to stop trying to decide everything all at once."

"Sounds like the advice I've been trying to give you." They sat there contemplating the situation while they polished off their cups of coffee.

* * *

The week passed in a quiet manner. Cas had made changes to his life though in that week that he hoped would matter to those that he cared about. He had sent little messages to Uriel and Gabe and had video chats with them. He sent a brief email to Anna, but he didn't feel ready for more than that. It was nice though to set up the beginnings of communication. Each day he wondered if Dean would message him or call. He never did. Cas wasn't sure how to feel about that. Garth had mentioned that Dean was checking up on him regularly, but that wasn't the same as an actual conversation.

He did buy the trailer. He was feeling pretty accomplished by the week's end when he looked at it sitting about 15 feet away from his home. He had even run the necessary lines for the electricity and water out to it. Garth had helped a lot as this was not Cas' usual area of expertise. The interior of the place needed a lot of work. He decided though that this would not be his job. He figured that it would give Dean something to do. It was tough though for him to resist working on the place a little. It just screamed disorder, and Cas was not a fan of that. So, Cas was able to justify throwing a little work into the kitchen and the bedroom areas. The kitchen, at least, was functional. The bedroom was too now that Cas had supplied it with a new mattress, because the old one was scary nasty.

Lil seemed to enjoy co-opting the place as a large playhouse. Cas would sit out on the porch, drinking his coffee, while she would run in and out of the place singing and pretending any number of things. Today should have been one of Carter's running days, so Cas sat on the step with two cups of coffee while Lil played. When he saw Carter in the distance, pounding a path toward him, he breathed a sigh of relief that not everything had changed.

When Carter drew near he slowed and waved as if he was not going to stop.  _He thinks that I don't want him to stop._  To signify welcome, Cas lifted the second mug of coffee and that sealed the deal. Carter jogged the extra bit over to the house. "Wasn't sure if we were going to fall back into our routines." Carter huffed out as he took the spot next to Cas, then the coffee.

"Seemed like the thing to do." Cas sipped on his coffee then added, "How have you been?"

"I should be asking you that. My life is boring and predictable."

"I thought that mine was too." Cas chuckled a little. "Been finding little things to keep myself busy, distracted." He cast a glance over at the trailer and then back to Carter.

"So, you adding a little kitsch to the property for a reason?" Carter sipped at the coffee and turned a little toward Cas.

"Well, I am sure that you already know. Garth is no secret keeper. Dean is going to live there."

"He may have mentioned it. He says a lot of things though." Carter looked away then.

"What do you mean?" Cas was privy to some of the things that Carter discussed with Garth, because Garth really does share a lot.

"Oh, he seemed to think that you would work things out with Dean. I didn't agree." Carter looked down into his mug of coffee as if that was the only truth he needed, not the truth that would come from looking into Cas' eyes.

"I am working on friendship. I have been a piss poor friend to everyone in my life. I am planning to spend some time repairing the damage. Truth be told, Garth got me thinking about things differently. I didn't even start out with Dean as a friend. We just kinda dove into the deep end of the pool. I think that he needs a friend. I plan to be that."

Carter looked at him now, trying to read him. "Does this mean that you aren't going to work on the rest of that relationship?"

"If you mean the romantic side of it, not at present." Cas noticed the little smile blooming at the edges of Carter's lips. "I am not going to complicate my life with romantic entanglements until I work out my friendships. If I can't be a proper friend to the people in my life, I have no business being in a far more complicated romantic relationship." He paused a beat and added, "With anyone."

"Fair enough. I am glad that you are taking time to work through things." Carter reached over and gave Cas' knee a pat of affection. "I'd stay, but I have a lot on my plate today. I was thinking of taking in a movie later this week, though. You wouldn't be interested in going with me would you?"

"I don't think that would be wise at this point."

"It wouldn't be a date. We are friends though, and I think that friends hang out from time to time, so…" Carter set the mug down and stood. He looked a little puppyish and Cas had to smile at that.

"Maybe."

Carter smiled. It seemed like a smile that was taking over his entire face. "I'll take that maybe as a yes. Well, now, this day seems to be going quite nicely, if I do say so myself." He stepped away a bit, preparing to continue his run and tossed back. "I'll see you around, Cas."

Cas waved at him then scooped up the mug as he got up to go into the house.  _Friendship is important. I will work on my friendships._ Yet, something in the back of his mind told him that going to the movies with Carter would not qualify as contributing to a friendship. He shrugged to himself though and pushed it aside to focus on other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Affabile is a musical term that basically means in a friendly or pleasant manner (not harsh or discordant).


	24. Affabile, Dean

Dean made it home and felt that just surviving the car ride was an accomplishment. Driving home under the glare of Gabe was not too pleasant. At least he didn't say much at first. Eventually, he had muttered out, "You really fucked up."

Dean didn't have much that he could say against that. It seemed to be altogether true. "No shit, Sherlock." He just kept barreling along and was about to turn up the radio when Kali spoke up.

"Well, now, Gabe, we talked about this."

"Not this again." Gabe turned to her in the the back seat.

"Yeah, this again." She made eye contact with Dean in the mirror and asked, "So, were you and Cas broken up when this business with Anna went down?"

Gabe didn't give Dean an opportunity to answer. He just said, "That doesn't matter. A person doesn't sleep with their ex's best friend."

Kali raised an eyebrow then and said, "Oh, I didn't hear about you and Dean sleeping together. Do tell."

"What the hell, Kali. Anna is Cas' best friend." Gabe glared ahead.

"Seems the man has a lot of best friends. Well, my point still stands." Kali looked back at Dean in the mirror. "Don't beat yourself up. You were under no obligation to stay celibate for a year. You had no reason to assume that you two would work things out. In time, he'll get past it and you both will move on."

Dean didn't say anything to that. He glanced over at Gabe, though and said, "I know that I was a dick. I don't expect him to forgive me. I know that I made a mistake." He glanced up at Kali in the mirror then and said, "I appreciate the kindness, but Gabe is right. A person doesn't do what I did. I knew that I was screwing up, and I did it anyway."

"Why?" Gabe asked.

"I was miserable, and I was looking for a way to keep myself from running off to him. I knew that I had things that needed to be accomplished if everyone was going to be safe. I told myself that if I gave up and ran off to him, that I would be making his world more dangerous."

"So, sleeping with Anna made you feel like Cas was no longer on the table, huh?" Kali spoke up again from the back seat. Dean shrugged in response. "See, Gabe."

"Whatever." He leaned into the window and wouldn't look at her or Dean. After some time had passed in awkward silence he sat back up and looked at Dean. "I suppose that I get it, but only a little. I defended you both to Cas when we talked, but only because I thought that he needed that. You need to figure out how to make this right with him. He deserves that." Dean looked at him and then reached over to the stereo to end the dialogue.

* * *

A week passed. He did not call Cas. He was respecting his boundaries. He worried that he would be making things uncomfortable for him if he called. He did have a lot that needed to be done before he could move. Turned out that quitting wasn't an easy task. He had confirmed with Missouri that he would take the job, and he had tried to turn in his resignation with Jorge. Jorge just outright refused. "No." He turned and walked out of the office with that one word, as if the discussion was closed. Dean had to wait until the next day to approach him again. This time he sought him out in his office later in the afternoon. At first, Jorge had told his secretary that he would not be seeing anyone today. Dean barged in anyway though.

He turned to the startled secretary and said, "Sorry man. I just can't put this off." He looked at Dean and shrugged. Dean just marched on in.

"I said that I was not seeing anyone today, you stubborn bastard." Jorge barely looked up at him.

"Too bad. I need to tender my resignation. I am moving in two weeks, so there is really no way that I can put this off." Dean took a seat across from Jorge and waited for acknowledgement.

"Look Dean, I have known you for a long time, and I just can't see this choice of yours being at all wise."

"You have no clue what I am doing or why." Dean responded quickly.

"I think that I completely get this. You had a lovely vacation with your boyfriend, and now you want to move off to Bumscrew, Kansas or somesuch distant place and I am sorry, but this is just stupid." Jorge leveled his gaze on him now, clearly irritated.

"Not that it is any of your business, but I had a horrid weekend, and my destination is not anywhere near Kansas." He seemed to think about the moment before proceeding. "I need to move, Jorge. People that I care about are in danger, and I need to watch over them. I can't do that from here."

"They seemed to get on okay without you before. What changed?" Jorge perked up a little and rested his head on his folded hands that were propped on the desk.

Dean explained, concisely and carefully the reasons for his fears. He had to be careful because Jorge never did get the full story before. He couldn't tell him that A had been the one that had killed his mother. He couldn't tell him that he had a personal interest in the proceedings of the investigation. To have done that would have resulted in his removal from the case. So, like all of the times before, he spoke in half truths and veiled details. Inevitably, Jorge accepted the resignation.

"You need to promise me that you will get someone up to speed before you leave. I can't see you doing that overnight." Jorge walked him to the door.

"Who should I pass the torch to?" Dean asked as Jorge opened the door. Jorge's eyes seemed to scan the room, looking for an appropriate target. His gaze seemed to settle on the back of the room. Dean followed his gaze. "Really?" Dean seemed to know who he was suggesting without a word.

Then Jorge called across the room, "Hanscum!" The perky blonde turned with a grin as wide as a prairie and as genuine as Dean had ever seen. Still he would have questioned the choice. Before Donna got too close, Jorge turned to Dean, "You have a problem with Hanscum?"

"No, it's just that she is still a little green. I mean, she only moved from Stillwater, like a month ago. She's not gonna know the key players even a little." Dean let the last trail off into a mutter as she drew near.

"Whatcha want, boss?" She just kept on smiling and Dean really wanted to push aside his concerns.

Jorge interrupted Dean's thoughts and addressed Donna, "So Dean, here, thinks that he needs to quit and move to some distant land."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." Donna offered up with absolute sincerity.

Jorge continued, "You and I both, but he is going to need you to take over his cases. In particular, he has a rather sensitive case that I am going to have him pass on to you."

* * *

Over the next several days, Dean divided his time between Donna and moving most of his stuff out to Bobby's place for safe keeping. His life was busy to say the least. He had been throwing himself into car repairs at Bobby's in an effort to not leave the guy with too much work in his absence. At least Bobby had hired on an extra hand, so that it wouldn't become too overwhelming. This also alleviated some of Dean's guilt at leaving the old man behind. He thought about all that he had left to do at Bobby's and at home as he surveyed the diner that he and Donna had decided to visit.

Donna sat across from him with a large stack of pancakes dripping with syrup. Dean's breakfast spanned two plates. There were eggs, bacon, toast triangles, pancakes, and potatoes. The two of them were shoveling it all down and saving the conversation for later. Dean felt like he had found a kindred spirit with this woman. Between bites he said, "Seriously, Donna, I feel like we should have been partnered up ages ago."

"Ah, Dean, if I didn't know any better, I'd be blushing right now. I don't think that you would have liked Stillwater so much, and I wasn't ready to move out here until after the divorce. Our late partnership is just going to have to be short lived I reckon." She popped a couple of syrupy wedges of pancake into her mouth and chewed away.

Dean smiled at her across his mug of coffee, took a sip, and said, "Yeah, at least we got to know each other a little at the end." Dean thought about the way that everything had unfolded between them. He started off cagey. He didn't want to tell her too much. That didn't last long though. She saw through him, and seemed to ask all the right questions. It wasn't long before he was talking about his mom, Cas, and all of the things that he had been careful to keep under wraps. Her greatest concern was over whether or not they could ethically prosecute any of the key players, given Dean's role in the investigation. Dean had said that maybe it had been a good thing that she was taking over, that she would add ethics to the whole thing. "So, do you think that you can handle the investigation now that I am leaving?"

"Well, it's not like you are going to fall off the face of the earth. If I have questions, I'll just call you or something." She finished off the last bite then and looked over at him.

"Speaking of…" Dean reached into his bag on the bench seat beside him. He pulled out a cell phone and passed it over to her.

"Wow, Dean, you shouldn't have." Donna looked over at him in mock sincerity. "You do know that I have a perfectly decent cell phone? This looks like it is a tad ancient."

"Yeah. It's for if you need to call me. I need to stay off the grid a little. I don't want to be too easily tracked. I haven't even told Jorge where I am going. I set up a P.O. Box here for all of my stuff to go to, and I am having Sam take care of it.

"Oh, I see. I think that I would like to have an established bit of regular communication with you on this. I think that this Brady guy warrants a closer look."

"Yeah, I didn't do enough on that end. Be careful though. I would also appreciate the updates. I'm not planning to give this case up just because I'm moving. It just won't be the same. It can't be." Dean picked at the bacon on his plate and ate a few bites.

"At least you are going to be closer to Cas and Lil." Donna seemed to pick up on the regret in Dean's voice as he talked about the case. She reached over and gave him a little pat.

He perked up a little, but just for a moment. "Yeah. I just hope that it doesn't go horribly. I mean. I really have a lot of damage to undo."

"Yeah, you do, but it sounds like you have something that you can build on." She paused for a bit and said, "When my husband left me, he started sleeping around with a bunch of women. For a time, I would have taken him back. I didn't care. We had good times once. I just wanted that back even if he didn't."

"I'm sorry, Donna."

She wrinkled up her nose at him and said, "Oh, don't give me that pitying look. That wasn't why I was sharing. I was trying to say, that there is a window of opportunity in which you can fix things. Plus, you aren't like Doug. He didn't want to fix things with me. I'm just saying that you can fix this, Dean."

"It's nice of you to say that I'm not like Doug, but I think that maybe Cas might disagree. Doug sounds like a dick. You deserve better, and so does Cas." Dean couldn't make eye contact while he said it.

"He was, but you aren't. Now, when do you think that you'll be heading off to your new life?"

"Soon. I think a couple of days."

"Did you contact Cas and let him know?"

"No, I don't want to make him feel like I am pushing myself into his life more than I already am."

Donna gave him another pat. "You need to let him know that you are coming. The biggest problem Doug and I had came from communication. Now, some of that was that he said stupid things, and I didn't tell him how that made me feel. However, it is still about the talking. You have to make that effort." She raised an eyebrow to him and added, "We need to be heading back. Finish up that food so we can get going."

"Right-o boss." Dean laughed at her a little, but he thought about what she said. He thought about the way that the last year had been. It had been a year without communication.  _Maybe you are right, Donna._  He walked over to the counter behind Donna. She plunked their cash down on the counter and pulled a couple of lollipops out of the little bowl by the register. She turned to Dean and handed him one.

"Here you go." She smiled and they both headed out to the car to return to the office. Dean figured she was right. He made plans to call Cas when he got to Bobby's that night.  _He needs to know that I am going to be there in a couple of days._

* * *

He turned up at Bobby's a little later than he had planned. His co-workers threw him a going away party down at the pub. They had even invited Sam and Jess. He was completely surprised. Dean never really felt like he had bonded much with any of them, but they all seemed to have some sort of story to tell about him. They all seemed to start with, "You remember that time that…" They always seemed to end with laughter.

Sam was all smiles and Jess seemed to be watching him throughout the evening. They followed him to Bobby's, intent on chatting about Dean's plans once they got away from the crowds. When they pulled up, Bobby was sitting out on the porch, waiting for them. "Well, it's about time you idjits. You think I have nothing better to do than wait all night for your sorry asses." Sam rounded the corner of the car and strode over to Bobby.

He threw his arms around him in a powerful hug, "Good to see you too, old man."

Jess walked up to him next, "Sorry we didn't call. The party went on longer than we realized." She hugged him too.

Then Dean came over and clapped him on the shoulder. "Yeah, sorry about that. I had no clue they were doing that." They walked inside and gathered around the little dining room table. Dean glanced around, "Where's Ellen?"

"Oh, she had a thing with her daughter. She'll be back tomorrow maybe. You want something to eat? I got some leftovers in here." He started rummaging through the fridge, taking out things here and there.

"No thanks Bobby. I'm good." Dean threw out. I think that I need to head up to bed, and maybe call Cas before it gets too late."

"You finally going to call him?" Jess asked with a slight tilt to her head. There was accusation in her tone.

Dean responded with barely concealed irritation. "Yeah. It hasn't been that long."

"Long enough. You haven't called him even once since you left. You know how many times I have spoken with him?" She waited as if he could possibly answer. When he didn't she said, "Five, Dean. Five times he has called me and five times I have called him. We have each made efforts. You know what he asks about each time?" She paused again, as if he could answer. When he continued to be silent, she said, "You. He asks how you are doing. He asks if I know what your plans are. You know what I tell him?"

"No." Dean finally got out one word.

"I tell him that you are an idiot. I love you Dean. We both do, but seriously, it is like you don't have a clue. Stop treating him like shit. Call him. Talk to him." She threw up her hands in frustration.

"He wanted space. I was just giving it to him." Dean pushed back from the table.

"Did he say that you shouldn't call him? Did he say that you should just show up randomly whenever you finally got your shit together?" Jess stood from the table now too. "Dean, I spent the last year actually talking to him. You know what I learned in that time? I learned that you should have followed him. You should have. I also don't think that you loved him. If you did, you never would have let him go. You would have followed him. You would have. So forgive me if I am just a little irritated that now you are off screwing his friend and not talking to him."

"Anna and I are done. That was a mistake. I just missed him. I couldn't follow him. I had to settle things here. I couldn't bring my mess out there to him. He deserved a fresh start, a less messy life. I wanted to let him have a shot at that." Dean turned his back on them. Sam walked over to his side and rested a hand on his shoulder.

Sam spoke low near his ear. "So, have you gotten over that, now?" Dean turned to him with confusion. "I mean, you are moving out there. Are you over the whole,  _Cas deserves something more_  thing, or are you just going there to gain a front row seat to Cas' new, separate life?"

"He can do whatever he wants. I think that he might want to move on with Carter. He can do better, but I think that he might want that. I am going to try not to come between them." Dean looked away as he said this.

Jess spoke up. "You need to make things right with him."

Bobby interrupted then, "So, when are you planning on leaving?"

Dean turned back to them. "Two days at the outside. I could leave tomorrow, but I want to get my head on straight before I show up."

"Go up and call him then. You don't need this conversation." Bobby waved him off and gave both Jess and Sam a look that said,  _just let him go._  Thankfully they did.

"Thanks, Bobby." Dean nodded to his brother and then Jess, "Goodnight, you two." He strode out of the room and up the stairs to his room.

Before he stepped in he heard Bobby's low growl of a voice downstairs as he said, "What's wrong with you two? You think that he needed that?" Dean didn't want to hear the rest. He pushed past the door and closed it behind him. He pulled out his phone and dialed Cas' number. It rang a couple of times before he heard the answering noise.

"Hello." Cas' voice was low and sleepy sounding.

"Hey, Cas. You asleep?" Dean plopped down onto the bed and leaned back against the headboard.

"Barely. I had just started nodding off. I was wondering if you were just going to show up or if the whole thing was off."

"I said that I was moving there. It just took me longer to get my shit together than I thought that it would. I actually can't believe how difficult it is to move. Guess it has been awhile since I had to do this." Dean spoke in a quick manner to cover his nervousness. He worried that he would say the wrong thing and figured he could avoid that with fast talking on just the basics of the move.

"You can always change your mind. No one expects you to drop everything and move out here." Cas dropped the words simply, tonelessly.

"I'm doing what I want to do." Dean paused a moment and realized that he needed to have Cas on board with this. He realized that he hadn't really asked him if it was truly okay. Not really anyway. "Would you rather that I didn't move out there?"

"You're asking me now?" There was a slight uptilt to Cas' tone that told Dean that Cas was irritated. He worried that maybe he had made a mistake.  _I should have just waited to have this conversation until later maybe._

"If you really don't want me to move there, I can change plans. I think that it is necessary, but I will respect your wishes. I can find another way to watch out for you without being there if that is what you want." Dean thought about Garth and how much that would not alleviate his fears. He thought about how he had felt since the decision had been made.  _Yeah, he maybe hates me, but at least I'll see him._  There was a little relief in that thought. Now though he worried a little about Cas' response.  _What if he says to stay away?_

"I have made arrangements for your arrival." Cas said with a sigh. "I bought a trailer."

"Huh?"

"I bought you a trailer to live in." Cas said it again, but Dean was still processing it.

"So, does that mean that you want me to come live there?" Dean was trying to sound passive, but he was hopeful that Cas would say yes. It would feel like a good start, like hope.

"I said that I got you a trailer. I certainly didn't buy it because my life was lacking a trailer." Cas did sound a little lighter in his tone.

"Well, thanks, Cas. I was still sort of trying to figure out the living arrangements, and I have to admit that it was making me drag my feet about leaving here. I was afraid that if I didn't have it figured out that I might upset you more."

"Hmm." They both lapsed into silence for a moment then Cas said, "So, when will you be here?"

"Couple of days tops. I have officially quit. They had a party. I think that I need to meet with my replacement once more and then take a day to figure out how to fit all of my stuff in the Impala. I sold off most of the stuff, but I think that it will still be a packing nightmare."

"If I remember right, you were pretty good at that sort of thing. You did a good job taking care of Meg's house when we had to pack it."

"Yeah, it's different when it's your own stuff though." They lapsed into silence again. Dean broke it a few moments into it being awkward. "I've missed you."  _Damn it. He doesn't want to hear that._

Cas didn't say anything at first. They just fell back into silence. He could hear breathing though, so he knew that they hadn't gotten disconnected. He waited. "Dean, I hope that you don't have expectations. I am not ready to move past everything yet. In fact, I think that where you are concerned, I would like to work on a friendship."

 _Shit. Couldn't just shut-up. Couldn't just miss him silently. Had to go and open up the floodgate. Damn it all. Tell him what he needs to hear._  "I'd like to work on that, the friendship. I don't have any expectations. I want you to be safe. I want Lil to be safe. I want to do whatever I can to help with that." He stopped and debated about what else he could say, then he just launched. "I have hope. I have hope that maybe if I work hard enough at not being an absolute ass, that one day, if I am very, very lucky, you will forgive me. As far as expectations go, I have none, but I do have hope."

There was silence then Cas said, "No expectations then?"

"No. A lot of hope. Is that okay?" Dean worried about what the answer would be.

"It is okay." Cas' answer was quiet, but it was enough.

Dean didn't want to say anything stupid, but he was starting to worry that if he stayed on the phone too long that he would. He started to speak anyway when the silence seemed to go on too long, "So, Cas…"

"Let me just stop you before you go on. This has actually been a pretty good conversation, given that I was rather irritated with you going into it. Let's just end it now, before it goes some place stupid. I'd rather like to end it on the positive note that it is on right now."

"Okay, Cas." Dean smiled a little at Cas' take charge tone.

"So, I'll see you in a couple of days, Dean." His voice dropped low and gravelly. Dean felt the words ripple over him. He closed his eyes and tipped back his head.  _Maybe I can get him to talk just a little more._

"Do you want me to call again before I show up? I don't want to be too intrusive, but I also don't want to surprise you either."  _That should get me a few more words with him. Way to go Dean._

"Uh, I think that we do better with face to face conversations. Maybe you should just surprise me." Cas sounded almost cheerful, his gravelly tone a little gone.  _Ah well, better than nothing._

"Okay then. See you soon." Dean cupped the phone to his ear tighter and slipped down to the mattress more. He didn't want to hang up, but he was reluctant to drag things out beyond what would be comfortable for Cas.

"Goodnight, Dean."

"Goodnight, Cas" Cas hung up first. Dean just laid there with the phone still pressed to his ear. He looked around the room, making out shapes in the darkness.  _I can be the best damn friend you could ask for. I have hope, and you said that was okay._  And Dean closed his eyes and smiled a little, feeling as though he was, once again, getting more than he had felt he had deserved.


	25. Piacere, Cas

Lil was playing out in the yard, and Cas couldn't help it, he had to clean up the trailer a bit. He had told himself that it would be best if he just left it a little messy for Dean. He had thought that maybe it would let Dean feel like it was his place to fix or change as he saw fit. He just couldn't let it be though. The place needed more order, more attention. He turned on the little portable stereo and began spraying down every surface with cleaner. Lil popped in and watched him a bit then plunked herself down in the bench seat that was a part of the dinette. "You want me to clean the table?" She looked up at Cas and held out her hand for the supplies.

"Sure, munchkin." He tossed her a rag and sprayed some of the cleaner on the table.

She whipped the rag back and forth across the table in long sweeping arcs. "Are you and Dean still fighting?" She cocked her head to the side and looked at him steadily.

Cas turned back to the counter that he had been wiping down before and answered, "Not really. We just have some adult stuff that needs to be worked out."

"So, is he still your boyfriend?" Her question was innocent enough, but he didn't want to answer it. The real answer was probably no, and had probably been no for a long time.

"I don't know how to answer you, Lil. When we moved here, Dean and I were not really a couple anymore. I still loved him and I think that he loved me, but we were not together, so…"

"Do you have to be with someone all of the time to be their boyfriend?" She was still wiping the table, but her efforts had slowed.

"No, but Dean and I had a bit of an agreement that we would each move on separately." Cas felt weird saying it out loud, because it wasn't really how things went for either of them, but it was what they had agreed to, sort of.

"So, does this mean that you might start calling Mr. B your boyfriend now?" Cas stopped wiping down the counters and turned to her.

"That is not my plan." He watched her take that in and then sat across from her. Her face did not show approval or disapproval. It made him wonder. "Do you like Mr. B?"

"Mr. B is cool. His class is fun."

"Do you mind that he comes around and spends time with me?" Cas wasn't sure why he was asking. He supposed that it mattered what Lil thought about the people in his life even if they were just friends.

"I like Dean better." She looked up at Cas then and added, "But if you like Mr. B that is okay too."

As if that had been his cue, Cas heard Carter's voice from outside call out. "Hey, anybody home?"

"We're in here." Cas got up and pushed the door open, and Carter came over.

"Hey there you two." Carter stepped in and surveyed the place. "Looks nice in here. You've done a good job."

"Yeah, I think that it might actually be habitable." Cas ran a hand up through his hair and surveyed the place a little, mentally noting what still needed to be done. "So, you just in the neighborhood?"

"A little. Actually, I was hoping to convince you to come out with me tonight." Carter seemed like he was trying to look casual.

"I think that I have a lot more to do tonight." Cas evaded.

"Well, I just so happen to have movie tickets already, and I would hate to have them go to waste." He paused a beat then added, "If I remember right, you said that you wanted to work on friendships, and this is totally something that a friend would do." He smiled at Cas then and it was a little endearing. The corners of his eyes crinkled up a little and Cas almost relented. Then he looked over at Lil.

"Hey Lil, would you mind giving Mr. B and I a moment to talk?" She got up then and took his cleaner and rag. "What are you going to do with that?"

"I'm going to clean the bathroom counter while you talk." Lil strolled off with the items and closed the door behind her.

The two of them laughed a little at her. "So, what do you say, Mal?" The two of them had discussed the name issue and had concluded that his alias should continue to be the name that Carter used. Better safe than sorry.

"I don't let anyone babysit Lil. I worry too much. There is a lot of danger out there and I just don't trust anyone to be able to handle it. So, I don't think that I'll be able to go with you."

Carter shuffled about a little in the doorway then said, "So, I kind of thought that you might say that, so I asked Garth if he would be willing to watch Lil. Now, I know that this is totally presumptuous of me, but I bet he could handle it if you just let him."

"He said yes?" Cas was already thinking that this might not be a bad idea.

"Totally, although he said that he didn't think that you would be interested in his watching Lil. He seems to be rather discouraging lately where I am concerned." Carter leaned back against the wall a little, seeming to pick up confidence in the moment.

"Okay. I'll go, but only for the movie. I don't want to be out too late." Cas sounded a little resigned, but Carter popped up from the wall with a little excitement evident in the move. Cas had to smile a little at that. It felt quite nice to have someone getting so giddy over just a movie with him. "Don't go making a big deal out of it though. Friends, right?"

"Besties, Mal." Carter started out the door. "I'm going to get while the getting is good. Don't want you to change your mind. I'll be back to get you around 6:30. Show's at 7:00."

"Okay. I'll be sure to talk with Garth. See you then." He gave Carter a little wave and turned back to his work. He felt a happy little stirring in his stomach, but then he looked around the trailer. He let his mind wander a bit over the space that would be Dean's, and he closed his eyes in thought over what it would mean to have him here, and what it would mean to be a friend to another man that clearly wanted more.

* * *

Garth had been fine with the arrangements. He only harassed Cas a little about the situation. "So, you really think that you should be encouraging him?" Garth had asked.

Cas blew it off as best he could. He didn't want to think about it too much. He really just wanted to not wallow too much in his own sea of depressing thoughts. He kept busy with Dean's trailer and let Lil distract him a bit. They went on a little run along the lake and chose to make the trek back a walk. "So, are you going on a date tonight?"

"Nope." He answered Lil quickly. She stared at him like she doubted him so he added. "Mr. B and I are friends and sometimes friends like to hang out, watch movies, eat meals together. You know?"

"I like to do that stuff with Dela."

"Yes, you do. This is sort of the same kind of thing." Cas was grateful for the comparison. It seemed to make things easier to explain and a whole lot more innocent.

"It is different though." She stooped down and picked a flowering weed from the path.

"How so?" Cas tipped a glance her way as they walked.

"He likes you more." She didn't pause or even look at him when she said it. It was just a statement of fact for her.

"Hmm. You may be right about that, but I am just looking for friendship, so yeah." Cas could see their house again and parked in front of it was Garth's very beat up, old Honda Civic. It was grey, and when Garth would get out of it, it reminded Cas of a clown car. It was too small for someone as tall as Garth, and the early 1980's styling of the car gave it the shape of a squat rollerskate.

Garth was already out of the car and leaning up against the front end. He threw a little wave their way and Lil sprinted off toward him. "Hey Garth!" She hollered.

"Hey yourself, little missy." He tossed back at her as she slammed a hug into him. He scooped her up and swung her into the air. "Are we going to have fun or what?"

She laughed as he swung her around in a circle before putting her back on solid ground. Cas reached over and gave him a little pat on the shoulder. "So, you sure this is okay?"

"Are you?" Garth smiled a half grin at him.

"I think that you are capable of handling yourself. You passed the Dean test too, so I'm guessing that you know some self-defence and such." Cas gave a little nod toward the house and directed them in. As soon as he had unlocked the door, Lil bounded past them.

"I'm going to get a snack," she said as she burst through the door, making her way to the kitchen.

"So, when is Dean getting here?" Garth plopped down onto the couch and looked like he was completely at home.

"Tomorrow or the next day, I think. I haven't really gotten an absolute date from him concerning his arrival. He just said it would be a couple of days."

"When did you talk to him?"

"Last night."

"So, go out with Carter tonight. See Dean tomorrow. If I didn't know better, I might think you were a bit of a hussy, Cas." Garth laughed at his shocked expression.

"Just friends, Garth. Just friends. I actually took your advice. You said that I need to work on that part of my relationships, so I am trying. It seems to be going well for me. Uriel and Gabe seem happier with the new arrangement. Gabe even sent me random porn." Cas wandered over to his room, intending to get changed for his not date.

"Random porn?"

"Don't ask. It is a weird little quirk of his. He always sends it with baby animal subject lines so they are pretty easy to recognize without the viewing." Cas laughed a little as he said it. "Actually, they really aren't so easy to recognize without the viewing."

"You did more than just read the subject line huh?" Garth laughed at him a little more.

"Yeah, and let me just say that some things can't be unseen." He shuddered a little. "It's Gabe's way of showing affection. Sometimes he sends legitimate information under the baby animal subject line. He does it just enough to trick me nearly every time." He turned back to his path and tossed back, "I'm just going to be a sec. I need to change."

"Do whatever. I'm officially on baby sitter duty as of now." With that Cas sealed himself off in his room and changed into jeans and a grey tee shirt that he found at the bottom of his drawer. He wanted to look casual, not like he was trying too hard. He looked himself over in the mirror and ran his hand through his hair. He tried to flatten it a little. He considered taking a shower, but he hadn't run hard enough to really kick up a sweat since Lil was with him. It seemed unnecessary, and it was already 6:00. He made his way back out to the kitchen and put together a sandwich. He took it over to the couch where Lil and Garth were already seated.

"So, I left you money on the counter. You can order pizza for the two of you. Lil likes to eat by 7:00, so you should put in for it soon." Cas wolfed down the sandwich and wiped off his mouth quickly. Then all he could do was wait. He didn't like feeling this anxious. He turned to Garth who was quietly flipping through a magazine and said, "So, if anything comes up, and I do mean anything, you call me. I'll come home right away."

"Cas, stop worrying. It'll be fine." He smiled over at Lil, who was sitting next to him. "Is your dad always like this?"

"Yeah, he's a worrywart." Cas got up and ruffled her hair. It was getting closer to 6:30. He walked over to the kitchen and put his plate in the sink.

"Howdy, howdy." Carter's voice tumbled through the door with jolly foreboding.  _Maybe I should just back out. This is a bad idea._  Then Cas turned from the table and looked at him.

"Hey, Carter." Garth gave him a little wave as he came in the front door.

"Hey yourself, Garth." Carter strolled in, seeming like he was ready to go already. "You set, Cas?"

"Um, yeah. I just need to grab a coat." He walked over to the coat rack by the door and Carter surprised him with a hug. It was quick and done. Cas stepped back and smiled a little. He pulled the coat down and put it on. "You look nice. Not use to seeing you in these kinds of casual clothes." He was wearing jeans and a white button up shirt tucked into his pants.

"I dress casual all of the time." Carter laughed at him and added, "Come on. We don't want to miss the previews." Carter reached out and directed Cas out the door.

Cas looked back at Garth. "So, really do text if anything goes awry." He turned to Lil and said, "And you be good. Come give me a hug." She popped up off of the couch and hugged the side of his hip. He leaned down and kissed her mop of blonde hair. "Love you, munchkin."

"Love you too, dad."

* * *

The movie wasn't all that great. It was a mystery, and Cas hated mysteries. What made it worse was that it was a messy mystery. It didn't wrap up all neat and tidy. It left him with a sour taste in his mouth. "So, you didn't like it?" Carter said while raising a hand to Cas' lower back as they walked across the parking lot.

"I wouldn't say that so much." He glanced over at Carter's face in the soft glow of the street lamps. He was pleasant and warm at his side. "I just like a certain level of resolution in my movies. Real life has enough chaos, ya know."

"I don't know. I kind of liked the way it ended. Not everything is so clean." They got to the car and Carter unlocked it with his remote. "I don't think that there was any other way that it could have ended. Plus, you gotta love the eye candy."

"Well, there was that." Cas smiled a little at that. The lead actor looked a little like his type of guy, sandy hair, tall. He was fairly certain that Carter had not made the same connections that Cas had to the actor.

"So, I may be pressing my luck, but do you want to go get a bite to eat before we go back to your place?" Carter hadn't pulled out of the parking space yet.

"I think that this is about all of the separation from Lil that I can handle at present. This was kind of a big deal."

Carter pulled out of the parking slot, and said, "Well, I feel down right honored that you chose to take the big step with me."

"You hardly gave me a choice. I couldn't leave you hanging." Cas smiled over at him and felt happy with the progression of the evening. "If you are hungry, I can throw something together back at my place, or we could eat the leftover pizza that Garth and Lil will likely have."

"That sounds like a good plan." Carter drove for a time and they did not speak for a few moments. "Do you worry when you drop her off at school?"

"Why do you think that I volunteer so much? I've also found ways to be in very close proximity of the school everyday. I can see the school from the legal aid, and the Music Depot is on the other side." Cas felt a little funny admitting to just how much effort he had been putting into watching over Lil. He thought that it might sound ridiculous to Carter, like an overreaction, but he didn't care.

"Here I thought that you just volunteered to spend more time with yours truly." Carter laughed a little.

Cas didn't say anything about that, but instead chose to talk about the greater issue."The things that happened to us back there, before. I can't let it happen again. She is the most important thing. I had to make choices though. She has to go to school and have a life. The close proximity thing that I do while she is in school is taxing. I worry the whole time. I feel like I am constantly watching for something, anything that is off. The volunteering time is the only time that is not worrisome."

He glanced over at Carter and saw that his face fell a little in the dark car. He was serious now. "You know Mal, I wouldn't let any harm come to her, to any of those kids."

"I know. Until very recently, though, you did not even know that there was anything to worry over. I can't really rely on anyone where she is concerned. No one really gets it, what it was like to watch him hurt her. I was powerless, and I wasn't with her when he found her at Sam's place. So, even just this little outing is huge. I can't make it a habit, though. Hope you understand." Cas wanted him to see that it was about the stress of the past, the never knowing what was around the corner. He didn't expect Carter's response though.

"With Dean moving here, will that change things? I mean, if he is watching her, would you still be afraid to go out without her?" Carter's posture was tense as if he didn't like to dive into the subject of Dean, which made sense.

"I think that it might be awkward to ask Dean to watch my daughter while we go to a movie, just saying." Cas had to laugh a little at the idea.

"Yeah, I guess that might be weird." Carter loosened up a little as he drove. "We will still hang out, though, right?"

"Of course." Cas reached over gave his shoulder a squeeze. "We are friends, and I don't want to lose that."

"Friends that have kissed. Friends that are a little more than friends, Mal." Carter turned to him, and the look practically dared him to contradict it. Even as he turned back to the road, Cas still felt the look burning into him.

"That was a mistake. I shouldn't have lead you on knowing that I had so much that was complicated in my life. I should have been open and honest with you. I'm sorry."

"Damnit Mal." Carter pulled over. They were not far from his home. The deep woodlands framed the road making it country dark. Cas felt his heartbeat stutter a little. Carter never got mad. It was startling to hear this tone coming from him. He put the car in park and turned to him. "I'm in love with you, Cas, Mal, whatever your stupid name is. I'm in love with you. When we kissed you felt something too. Now, I'm not so full of myself as to think that you love me or whatnot, but you felt something, and it damn sure wasn't just friendship."

Cas sat there, heart pounding, hands clenched into fists. He didn't know how to respond. He wanted to get out and walk the rest of the way home which was a feeling in direct contrast to his desire to throw himself across the seat into what would likely be a very passionate kiss. He hated to admit, even just to himself how much he liked intensity in his men. Carter was certainly intense. Even in the dark, Cas could see a fiery glint to his eyes. "You're right, I'm not in love with you, but you do things to me. You make me forget the bad stuff. You make me feel desirable. I am shocked on a near daily basis when I think that anyone would want this." He waved his hands about, signifying himself."

"You're fucking gorgeous, you idiot." Carter huffed as he turned away from Cas to look out the window.

Cas felt the warm spread of embarrassment run up to his face. "Kissing you is easy. Sleeping with you would be too. I've thought about it, but you would never have what you deserve. I don't think that I could live with myself for taking that chance away from you, just so that I could have some fun."

"It wouldn't just be that, and you know it. You'd come to love me in time. Some part of me thinks that maybe you love me enough. I'm okay with being loved as just a little more than a friend. If it means I get to keep you, I'm in. I want you, Cas. I want you so much, I can barely think of anything else. It's killing me." He made the move across the space between their seats, leaning into Cas' side of the car. He kissed him hard. He pulled Cas to him, running his hands around Cas' back. Cas didn't resist. He accepted it. He wanted it. The feeling of being chosen, wanted, needed so desperately. He had craved that and here it was pressed into him. All of that longing and need pulling at his lip, sliding past teeth, vying for contact and more.

The low moan that escaped him as Carter angled himself more deeply into his mouth was all the encouragement that Carter seemed to need. His hands came around to the front of his pants. Cas felt him fumbling with the button and the fly. He felt the pressure of his hands rubbing him through his jeans. Cas moved his own hands up to Carter's chest then lower, pulling his shirt out of his pants. He ran his hands up under the shirt over his sides and up his chest. The ridges of muscles felt taut. He wanted to feel them with his lips. He could barely concentrate on that though as Carter's hand finally made it past his jeans. Headlights rounded the distant turn in the road and illuminated the interior of the car from behind. Cas stiffened a little and moved back from Carter. Carter retreated a little too. The car shot by, and they stared at each other in the darkness that returned to them.

"I should be getting home to Lil," Cas finally said.

"You sure?" Carter's hands snaked back over to his thigh.

Cas picked it up and kissed it. "I'm sure." He released his hand and began straightening out his clothes.

"Raincheck?" Carter smirked.

Cas felt like he was back in control of himself. There would be no more teenaged groping in the car. "I meant what I said before."

"Me too. There's no sense in just wanting all the time. We can give each other so much if you just let it happen."

"Take me home, Carter." Cas looked straight ahead now, and Carter started the car. They drove the rest of the way in silence. When they got to the house, Carter got out and met Cas on his side of the car.

"I think I'm going to call it a night, Cas, unless you say point blank that you want me to come in. I would come in, and I would be happy, if you just say the word." Carter ran his hand up Cas' arm. Cas looked up at him and felt the stirring again. He leaned his head down onto Carter's chest for just a moment and felt Carter's hand running along to his back. He didn't linger there long though. He stepped back and made his way toward the steps. Carter did not follow him.

"I think that I should just call it a night, Carter." He threw a glance back at him, but couldn't maintain the look. "I need to sort my stuff out. I hope you understand."

"When you change your mind, call me. I can be back here in less than ten minutes." Carter did not break his gaze, and Cas felt the intensity of the moment building. "Goodnight." Then Carter turned back to his car and left. Cas wondered if he had made a mistake. He chose though, and now he would find a way to live with it, or maybe he would cave and call him in the night.  _Maybe._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Piacere is pleasure. In music it implies that the performer can do as he/she pleases without following an expected pattern or plan.


	26. Piacere, Dean

Dean woke up with the sunlight streaming into his room through the window. He had been dreaming of Cas and had woken up with a thought,  _What if I just go there today?_  He eased up into a sitting position then pushed himself out of the bed. He began mentally pulling together all of the things that he would likely need to do to make the move work today, but they seemed doable. He walked over to the window and peered down. Bobby was out in the yard with his dog, likely getting an early start on the day's work.

Dean wandered down the stairs and out to the yard toward Bobby. He wanted to talk with him, just him, before he took off. The conversation with Jess and Sam left him feeling frustrated. He felt like he couldn't make the right decisions where anyone was concerned. Frankly, he didn't really feel like there was one right decision anymore.

"Hey, boy. You're up mighty early." Dean reached over and took the toolbox from Bobby and carried it while he walked at his side.

"Yeah, I was thinking that I might get an early start and leave today."

"Hmm. Thought you might do that after that little conversation yesterday." They got to the shop and Bobby turned to Dean. "They shouldn't have run you down like that. I gave them an earful after you went up to talk to Cas."

"It's all stuff I say to myself anyway." Dean set down the toolbox and surveyed the beat up old Mustang in front of him.  _Lot of body work needed here._ "Hope the new guy can take care of this one. I think I'll only get a little ways on it today."

"I don't expect you do a thing on this. You have plenty to do today already." Bobby reached over and laid his hand on Dean's shoulder. "I'm proud of you, son. You are finally getting your fresh start."

"I'm giving up on the case. How could you be proud of that?" Dean shrugged away and began pulling out tools to use on the Mustang.

Bobby reached over and took the tools away. "Like I said, I don't need you doing this work." Dean stood there a little helpless looking without the tools. "And I am proud of you. It takes a lot to do the right thing, especially when you have years worth of habit telling you to do things a different way. You are right to be going there."

"Maybe. I worry sometimes that I'm bringing him things that he doesn't need."

"What do you mean?"

"You know. I'm hella messed up, Bobby. Bad things just sorta follow me. What if bad things follow me into his life again?"

"You are a good man, Dean, always have been. Just do your best, and somehow it'll be okay. You've come a long way this past year. I reckon that a lot of that progress was because of Cas. Even when you weren't talking with him, he managed to send you on a path that was much healthier."

Dean leaned back against the car and watched Bobby start to tinker with the front end. "I thought that I had gotten worse. Funny how different our perspectives are."

"Oh, I'm not saying that you were the picture of mental health, but you were worse before Cas. We were all pretty worried about you. I think that Sam thought that maybe you were going to harm yourself or some such."

"He's a worrier. I wasn't going to do anything like that." Dean couldn't look at Bobby though, as if there was some truth in the words that Bobby was saying.

"Hmm. I thought that maybe there were a lot of things eatin' at you that you couldn't share. Things from before that hurt too much to say out loud. I hope that you know, that I would listen. I wouldn't judge you either."

"I know that you wouldn't. I didn't always know that, but I do now." Dean still couldn't quite bring himself to look at him. It was hard enough just keeping his words serious. His default act was to always turn the conversation towards humor whenever there was too much that was personal in the sharing.

"Did I ever give you a reason to not trust me?" Dean glanced over at him now and saw a little hurt in his eyes. He felt bad about it.

"No. I just made assumptions. You're my uncle. Why wouldn't you think like my dad? You were raised by the same people after all."

"Your dad came to his backwoods feelings long after he was done being raised. I loved my brother, but he had a stupid way of dealing with grief. Now, I don't know the particulars about what happened between you two that set off all of this self-loathing, but I would like to know, because I would like to help." Now Bobby was avoiding eye contact. His eyes were glued to the tinkering that he was doing with the car, as if he knew that this was the only way to make Dean feel comfortable.

Dean closed his eyes. He could see the room from before, too bright for having no windows. He could still feel the press of their hands on him, holding him under the water. The bursts of voices hollered out in exclamation as he was pulled up into the air again. The sensory overload of it all was right there as if it had all just happened. Decades of seconds had done nothing to erase the canopy of horror that those people poured into him under the guise of "fixing" him. His father had been there. He was not part of the primary festivities. He had been relegated to another room. He knew though, he just knew what they were doing to cure his son of his so called affliction. When Dean spoke to Bobby, it was a whisper. He did not open his eyes. He wouldn't be able to tell him if he did.

He could hear Bobby's tinkering sounds come to a stop. Dean almost stopped talking then too. He began by telling him about Benny and the innocent friendship that his father did not think was so innocent. He told him about the hunting trips that weren't hunting trips. He told him about the nightmares. He told him about the way that it felt when they would pull him up from the water, like their hands were hooking through his flesh, tearing him from himself. He told him about the terror that would visit him in the night. The things that they did. He cringed as he recalled it all and slipped down a little along the side of the car until he was in a crouched position. He still did not open his eyes. Bobby came to his side though. He could hear him there. He felt him at his side, pressed there, a warmth in the cold moment. "I let him believe that it worked. I made sure that I never slipped up. I never looked at a guy, never even let myself think that it could be possible. I filled my life with an endless stream of women, one-night-stands. He never had a word to say about that. Guess that didn't go against his moral code." Dean huffed out.

"If I had only known, Dean. I would have stopped him. I never knew." Bobby pulled him into a hug. Dean stiffened with the first contact and Bobby seemed to notice it. He made the hug gentler. It was a moment that was a little unfamiliar for them both. True, they hugged in greetings, but this was just about comfort, and it was different. Dean knew that Bobby cared about him, but they just didn't show their affection in this way much. They usually spoke a different language, a language of fixing. When something was upsetting or troubling to either of them, they often found themselves elbows deep in an engine compartment. When things were really bad, they would take out their collective issues on a mangled bit of an old wreck until the uneven places were smooth again.

"I couldn't say anything. I had to just make changes. So I did. It wasn't you, Bobby. You were the only one that made things okay back then, well, you and Sammy." Dean finally opened his eyes and looked at Bobby alongside him. He leaned into the half hug and Bobby kept on holding him. "You are right though."

"'Bout what?" Bobby let Dean slip out of the hug a little.

"It got better when Cas was around. I told him stuff, and it helped. He helped. I don't walk around thinking that I need to be something that I'm not. That wouldn't have happened if it weren't for him."

"I'm glad for that. Whatcha say we get you packed up so you can go to him?" Dean got up and Bobby smiled at him. He pulled him in for one more hug and said, "You know I love you boy. Couldn't ask for better family." They walked out together and toward the house. Dean felt a little of the weight of the past lifted from him as they fell into step together, the early morning sunlight brightening their path.

* * *

When he reached Cas' home it was already dark with only the light of the full moon illuminating the yard. He saw the silver trailer at the side of the house and decided to pull his car alongside of it. It was rather sheltered there and not visible from the front of the house or the driveway. He got out and looked at it.  _Cool digs._  He ran his hand along the siding until he felt the little child-sized comet blast into his side. "Dean!" Lil was not alone. He looked up from her expecting to see Cas, but instead it was Garth.

"Oh, you are not who I was expecting." Dean wasn't sure how to react to Garth with Lil there.

"Haha, Mal will be back soon. He is just out taking in a movie." Garth nodded over to the house, a gesture that seemed to say come in.

"He went with Mr. B." Lil added.

"Oh." Dean faltered in his steps toward the house a little.

Lil seemed to notice despite the dark. "Don't worry, Dean. They are just friends. I asked."

"Oh, okay, munchkin. Even still, maybe I should go hang out in the trailer so that I don't intrude on your space. I don't want to make him feel awkward." Dean was trying not to say too much.

"Don't be silly. Dad wants to see you." Lil skipped ahead, and he had to follow.

He turned to Garth and when it seemed safe enough to say something he asked, "So, it's a date, right?"

"I'm not sure. Cas is conflicted. He said that it wasn't, but Carter is certainly looking for more than friendship." Garth nodded into the house and Dean followed him in. Lil was jumping on the couch, all kinds of excitement pumping out of her. "Seriously, kid. Your dad will kill me if he sees you jumping on the couch like that. Get down."

"He won't mind. He'll be too distracted by Dean being here to mind." Lil smiled and kept on jumping.

Dean swooped over to her and scooped her into his arms. "I don't think so, kiddo. Plus, rude. You don't get to use me as an excuse to break the rules."

She nuzzled into his neck and hugged him. "I'm glad you are here. We worked so hard on your trailer. Maybe we can all take it camping."

"You just totally used cuteness to get out of trouble. I forgot how susceptible to kid charm I happened to be." Dean looked over at Garth at that.

"Yeah, she is crazy manipulative, that one. Don't even get me started on the dessert fiasco that we had this fine evening." Garth was smiling while he said it though, so Dean knew that it was nothing too serious.

"I don't know what you are talking about. I only ate part of the ice cream."

"Did you eat all of the pizza that I gave you first?" Garth gave her his best mock stern stare.

"Totally." She squirmed about in Dean's arms, so he put her down. He sat on the couch and cast a glance around the room. "So, Dean, this is Garth, by the way. He works at the coffee house and steals my Halloween candy."

"Really, Garth. You stole my girl's Halloween candy?" Dean rolled an eyebrow up as he asked.

"It's not theft if you ask for the candy. Wow, I feel a little like you are both going to gang up on me." He turned to Lil. "And seriously, you are still holding Halloween over my head? I was totally an awesome trick-or-treat partner."

"Yeah, you were okay, I guess." She laughed at him.

Dean looked around the room like he was looking for something in particular. "Hey, where is your Christmas tree?" Dean directed the question at Lil.

"Dad said that we would get one this weekend. He got too busy with the trailer to get one before." She looked like she was about to jump on the couch again.

Dean decided to interrupt her plans with a request, "Hey, Lil, would you mind getting me a drink?"

"Whatcha want?"

"Does your dad stock beer in the fridge?" He raised an eyebrow to her.

"Of course." She bounded off to the fridge. "You want a beer, Garth?"

"No, munchkin. I'm probably going home soon."

"Will you be going with us to get the Christmas tree, Dean?" Lil called out from the kitchen.

"Not sure. Ask me when you and your dad make official plans." Dean leaned over to Garth. "Should I go hide out in the trailer? I feel like being here could be completely awkward for him."

"Awkward could be good though." Garth muttered.

"How so?" Dean glanced over to see Lil opening the bottle before she made her way back. He laughed a little at the sight of it.

"Do you want him to be comfortable dating Carter?"

"I thought that you said that it wasn't a date."

"It isn't now, but maybe down the road these little outings might change. All good relationships start out as friendships and they have a pretty solid friendship right now."

Dean leaned back a little. "I'm working on the friendship thing, or at least I will be."

"Well, a good friend would totally want to hang out at his best buddy's house to greet him at the end of a long day. A good friend would totally want to hang out and get to know the other friends in said buddy's life."

"Are you saying that I should hang out with Carter, because I don't think that is a good idea?"

"Oh, you are right it isn't a good idea; it's a great idea. You totally need to get to know him. He is pretty nice, and you both have a lot in common." Garth was grinning now with the vision of Dean and Carter hanging out.

"I think that you are crazy. Pretty sure that I am the last person that he will be hanging with."

"Think about it, Dean. This could be the smartest piece of advice you'll ever get."

"So, do I actually pay you to be this big of a douche?" Dean looked over and noticed that Lil was casually setting down the beer on the table. "Sorry about the language little one."

"Oh, I wasn't listening to you." She smiled as he picked up the beer and took a long pull.

"You need to get ready for bed, Lil. Your dad is going to be home soon, and I think that he would want you to be in bed when he gets here." Garth got up and motioned for her room.

"Fine." She turned to Dean and said, "You'll read to me, right?" She had such wide open puppy eyes that Dean couldn't say no.

"You go get ready, and I'll read whatever you want." She practically skipped off to her room and Dean could hear her singing just beyond the doorway as she got ready. It was a lilting melody that he was not familiar with.  _Probably one of her pop songs._  She came back out a few minutes later with a large book in her hands.

She marched to the chair that had been moved over to the window. It was the chair that Dean had sat in to watch  _Die Hard_  during the Thanksgiving visit. It had been on the other side of the room before in order to accommodate for the pull out bed. It made more sense for it to be by the window. She pointed to the seat. "That is the reading chair. Dad says that it has the best light." Dean took a seat and Lil hopped up into his lap. Dean looked out the window for a moment and saw the glow of moonlight stretching out across the lake like a golden, shimmering blanket. He felt warmth and ease fall on him as Lil opened the book.  _I could have been here for the past year. I could have been right here, doing this._

For a moment he felt a little sadness creep in, as his mind wandered over the ways that the past year had been a failure. "I'm ready." Lil said as she handed the book to him.  _The Missing Piece Meets the Big O_. Dean remembered reading this when he was younger. Sammy had liked it. He began reading the story to her and she curled into his side, watching his finger run along under the words. He had read in this way with Sam, convinced that he was helping him learn the words so that he could read to himself. He wondered how much Lil could already read. She seemed smart for her age.

When they finished the book, she handed him another one. This one was shorter, but still familiar.  _The Giving Tree._  He read this one too. She started to nod off on his shoulder by the end, but not so much so that she did not grab another book. She was completely asleep when he noticed the lights from a car outside. He couldn't move. Lil was dead weight on him and not asleep enough yet to move without waking her. The headlights went off outside and then he heard the sounds of car doors opening and closing, first one then the other.

He heard the muffled voices in the dark. He let his eyes adjust to the world outside. He knew that he should not be invading their privacy, but he kept looking out the window anyway. He couldn't make out what they were doing. He could hear talking though, so he was relatively okay with that. After a few moments, he was able to make out their silhouettes. They were standing close. Dean could see that Cas had leaned against Carter, forehead to his chest. It was an intimate posture that Dean had shared with him before. He felt the vision stab at him a little. He could see Carter's hand running up Cas' arm and to his back. He wished that he could hear what they were saying, and at the same time, he was glad that he couldn't.

 _I wish that was me out there._  He turned away from it. He was slowly losing it a little. His body was clenching up on itself. He was doing his best to keep it in check as he had Lil in his arms. Then the door opened and in walked Cas.  _Where's Carter?_  He had thought that Cas would certainly invite him in.

"Dean." His voice was low and gravely and all of the things that mattered to Dean.

"Hey, Cas." He just stared at him, hoping that his being there, in the house, was okay.

"I thought that you weren't going to be here until tomorrow." The statement had a questioning tone to it. Cas walked over and ran a hand across Lil's head, brushing back her hair a little. Although they did not touch, Dean felt like the affection that Cas showed Lil just then, also transferred to him a bit. He looked up and smiled at him. It was returned, then it slipped away for something more neutral.

"I managed to get my stuff together faster than I thought possible. Hope that was okay." Dean had to drop his gaze. He felt like Cas was looming over him, and he wanted to seem casual. Garth got up then and scooped Lil up out of Dean's arms.

"I'm going to put her into her bed and give you both some time to catch up." Lil did not even stir as he carried her off to her room. He came back moments later and gave Cas a little hug. We'll chat when you come by for coffee."

"Sure thing. Thanks again Garth." Cas walked him to the door. He watched him walk off to his car and drive away. Cas stood there longer than was necessary. It was as though he was avoiding the inevitable conversation. He finally turned to Dean though and stared at him. Dean stayed quiet, hoping that whatever came out of his mouth next would not ruin the moment or anything beyond it either.


	27. Trill, Cas

_So God Damn gorgeous. Get yourself together, Cas._ Seeing Lil sleeping in his arms was likely the most endearing thing that he could have walked in on. He pushed back the emotions though. He wanted to work on the friendship, and, frankly, he had already had his fair share of romantic interactions for the evening.  _His arms, though, wrapped around Lil like he would never let her get hurt on his watch. God, those arms. And he just had to look at me like that. He just had to didn't he?_ Cas waited at the door, staring out at the night, avoiding Dean's gaze. He could feel it though. He finally turned to Dean then and stared at him. He leaned against the wall for a bit. Dean didn't say anything; he just stared back.

He looked away and ran a hand through his hair. It was a familiar gesture that drew Cas in. Cas propelled himself off the wall and stopped at the couch. He sat down and thought about the conversation that they should have. Then Dean spoke, "So, how was the movie?"

Cas looked away. "It wasn't my type of movie."

"Mystery, huh?"

"Yeah." He huffed out a tiny laugh. "How'd you guess?"

"Not a guess. I know that you are partial to horror, especially  _The Evil Dead_ , and life has enough mystery. Who needs that shit in their movies?" Dean's lip curled up in a little half smile.

"I suppose that it wasn't a bad movie per se, but it had one of those endings that is unresolved. I kind of hate that sort of thing." Cas became quiet again, lost in thoughts that he chose not to share out loud. He found a safe path though and spoke, "Did you check out the trailer?"

"Not yet. I mean, I looked at the outside, then Lil and Garth convinced me to come in. I tried to tell them that I shouldn't, but Lil has a more powerful will than I do." He kept looking at Cas then glancing away, then looking back again. "The outside looks great. It was generous of you. I don't know what I did to deserve so much kindness, but thanks, Cas." He looked down now, studying his shoes as if they held the very answers to life's great mysteries.

"It was nothing. Wait 'til you see the inside. It needs a lot of work. We tried to get it cleaned up a bit. It is habitable, despite the fact that it is a mess in there." Cas watched him, his own hands nervously folding and unfolding in front of him.

"Kind of like its new tenant."

"I don't understand."

"It looks okay on the outside, but on the inside, it is a bit of a mess, kind of like me." Dean glanced up quickly then back down again. "Sorry, that was too much sharing. God, I feel awkward."

"Me too."

"At least I'm not the only one." Cas watched Dean stand up slowly and scoop up his empty beer bottle. He carried it to the kitchen and tossed it into the recycling bin. "I suppose that we should figure out the rent. I imagine that it is pricey having all of this land and a cabin to boot."

Cas had to laugh at that. "You are so out of your element, Dean. This is country living out here, complete with country prices. I only pay $750 for this place. Comes with water and garbage. I'm not worried about the rent."

"That's crazy. I was paying three times that for my crappy apartment in the city. You never saw it, but wow, it was nothing compared to this spread." He looked around the room for a moment and added, "You gotta let me pay for something, though. I can't just live here." Dean took a spot at the wall where Cas had stood before. He leaned there and seemed to wait for Cas to relent.

"For now, you can just live there and take care of your own independent expenses. I figure that I might owe you a bit." Cas saw his reaction move swiftly to confusion.

"What're you talking about, Cas? You don't owe me a damn thing."

"You mean that I shouldn't feel like I owe you something after you have paid Garth to watch over us for the better part of a year? That couldn't have been cheap, hiring a bodyguard and stationing him in the middle of nowhere." Cas enjoyed the reaction that played out on Dean's face, like he was at first going to construct a denial, only to realize the futility of it.

"How did you figure it out?" Dean came back to the seat and tossed himself into it.

"He said something, my real name, in the middle of one of our conversations. It was a slip, but I caught it. I called him on it and asked him to give me time. I wanted to tell you myself that I found out. So, you can see that I owe you a little." Cas smiled with the moment, feeling particularly pleased that he had figured out a mystery all on his own.

"Well, now I feel a little more awkward. He could have told me. I had no idea. How long have you known?"

"I found out just before you all came to visit. I planned to tell you over Thanksgiving, but things didn't go according to plan as I had hoped." Cas looked away and so did Dean. The atmosphere tensed up a little as each one was sent down a path of unpleasant memories.

"So, uh, you and Carter, uh…" Dean looked up and they locked eyes for a moment. "Are you two dating now?" Dean seemed to feel odd asking and looked like he immediately regretted it when Cas remained silent. "I'm sorry. I know that you don't owe me any answers on that front. I just let my curiosity slip out. If you don't want to answer, that's fine."

"I'm working on my friendships right now. Friends spend time together, go to movies, enjoy meals, and apparently buy trailers for the one's that are currently homeless." Dean looked at him again and Cas saw the look of relief in his eyes. He considered that look and wondered if he was being fair. He shouldn't lead him or Carter, for that matter, on if he didn't know what he wanted. "Dean, like I said before, I have a lot of shit to figure out. I'm not relationship material right now. Friendship is something I can handle though, and if you are planning to stay here for the long haul, then we will need that."

"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

"On that note, I have some thoughts on Garth too."

"Yeah, I guess that he might get his freedom back now, huh. I can't exactly justify keeping him here anymore, now that I am here."

"I don't really see it that way." Cas stared over at Dean. "I was thinking that I would hire him to be an extra set of eyes. Given the current situation, maybe Lil and I might really need this more than we ever did before."

"You were thinking of hiring him? You mean that you want to pay him to stay out here?" Dean looked perplexed.

"Yeah, I would hire him." Cas kept up his stare at Dean.

"I could just keep paying him." Dean leveled his gaze on Cas.

"Nah, I think that I would like to do this. It would be weird to have you paying to stalk me when you live right here." Cas' mouth twitched up into a half smile then settled back into neutrality.

"It wasn't stalking. I was genuinely worried." Dean began to pace a little. "Hiring him was the only thing that kept me from completely losing it this past year. When things were bad, I was able to call him and get little details. He would let me know that you both were safe. There was comfort in that." Dean stopped pacing for a moment and looked at Cas.

Cas had watched him. Dean's movements even now seemed purposeful. There was something mesmerizing about even just the pacing. Cas looked away.  _Reign it in, Cas. Friendship._  He finally found himself able to speak. "Thank you, Dean."

"I suppose that I should go get settled into my new place." It was almost a question, like he hoped that Cas might want to talk more.  _He doesn't really want to leave. He so needs to go to his place._

"Yeah, I need to get some sleep too." Cas got up from the couch. "Let me show you the trailer." Cas lead the way out the door toward the trailer. The moonlight still blanketed the world around them, making the trees into dramatic silhouettes in the background. Cas pulled out his bundle of keys and shuffled the right one out. He unlocked the door and stepped back. "Here." He waved a hand out for Dean to go first. "Now I know that it is rough, but it certainly has promise."

Dean turned on the light switch at the door as he stepped in and let out a low hum of approval. "This is awesome, Cas."

Cas watched him make his way in from the doorway. Dean really filled the space. It wasn't exactly a small trailer, but Dean was a tall man. "Like I said, it has promise."

"It has more than that. This is really too much. Thanks again." He ran his hands over the surfaces and looked at it all like it was his own little treasure. "It would be fun to take it camping, huh?" Dean seemed to be thinking out loud.

"I had thought that if you hated it and wanted to live in a hotel or something, that Lil and I would use it to vacation in. My jeep was able to tow it fairly easily."

Dean walked to the back of the trailer and Cas stepped in a little more. "The bed looks new." Dean called back toward the living room.

"Yeah, the old mattress was nasty. You likely would have gotten diseases from it. Figured a replacement was necessary." Dean ducked back out of the bedroom and stood at the edge of the doorway looking at Cas.

"Well, my disease-free body thanks you for the consideration." He paused a beat and added, "And I am paying you rent. I'll feel too weird about just mooching off of you. You've obviously put a lot of work into making this good."

"We can disagree about this later. For now, get settled. I'm going to go turn in." Cas edged out the door.

Dean followed him a little and looked down at him from the doorway. "I really do appreciate this, Cas."

"I know. Feel free to raid my fridge tomorrow." He started for his house and added, "After you eat, Lil and I will show you the town and where you can get your own groceries. Goodnight, Dean."

"Goodnight, Cas."

Cas made his way back to the house through the dark. His mind running through the day and evening at break-neck speeds. He let his thoughts linger on images of Carter, desire clear on his face. He made his way back into his room and changed into his sleep sweats and a fresh tee-shirt. He ran his hand up over his face and back into his hair.  _What am I doing? This is too much._ He could still feel Carter's hands running over his body and the memory of it was stirring something in him. His thoughts slipped away from Carter though and on to Dean. Dean with his eyes, his arms, his wry grin were making a slow bid to take over the entirety of his thoughts.

 _I can't dive in again. I need to handle things correctly. It would be wrong to not be careful._ His hands smoothed down his body under the covers. His thoughts still ebbed and flowed with the faces of Carter and Dean. His phone gave a little buzz on the nightstand next to him. He reached over for the phone and flicked it on. It was a text from Carter.

 

Are you asleep yet?

No, you?

Srsly, I could be there in ten minutes.

 

Cas felt his body responding to that. He pushed it aside.

 

Dean is here, in his trailer.

Damn.

I should be getting to sleep.

I could still be there. Just saying.

No, that would not be for the best.

Says who?

Me.

You might sing a different tune if you let me come over.

I might, but that is not happening. That would make things too complicated.

Maybe, but you'd be happier, I think.

I really should go to sleep.

Or not.

You are very difficult.

You are.

I am very straight forward.

Nothing about you is straight. lol

Dork.

Yeah. Goodnight.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

 

He put the phone back on the nightstand and closed his eyes. The phone buzzed again.  _Let me sleep, Carter._  He couldn't resist though, so he picked up the phone and flicked it on. It was Dean this time.

 

Just wanted to say thanks again. I really don't deserve this or any of your kindness, but I appreciate it.

You're welcome. You deserve this. You may not agree, but I think that you are a good man Dean.

 

He set the phone on the nightstand again, and it buzzed.  _Seriously, go to sleep._ It was Dean again.

 

Thank you, Cas.

 

And something in Cas felt settled and warm. He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep, each of them vying for the greater part of his dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That temporarily concludes the daily updates. I now have to move back to my old posting schedule of Mondays and Thursdays.


	28. Trill, Dean

Dreams were not a friend to Dean. He had spent years getting jarred from sleep in a sweat, rapid breathing slowed only by the realization that he was older now, and somewhat safe. Sam had known of some of the night terrors. He had tried to talk to him about them. That, though, was a no fly zone for Dean. Too many demons in that conversation. The nightmares had ebbed back though in later years. He had nights that were pleasant, a cool breeze from an open window and a little Zeppelin coming through his speakers sometimes did the trick.

When he started moving toward something with Cas, the nightmares ebbed back even further. He had dreams then, just dreams. There were full conversations and such, all trailing out in a surreal landscape that he would often get lost in. He came to look forward to sleep then. He hadn't looked forward to it before. But dreams were not a friend to Dean. Dreams sometimes make you think that good things can happen when in fact they can't.

Dean had stared at the text thread for some time after he had sent the final thank you. He did not go to sleep. He decided to instead move all of the stuff in his car into the trailer. By the time that he finished, his trailer was a cluttered mess of boxes and bags. He could barely move past it all to his room. He picked through the boxes until he found the one marked "Case" and lifted it up onto the dinette.  _A little research and then bed. And maybe dreamless sleep, if I am lucky._  His thoughts were still a jumble of moments with Cas though. He was having a difficult time with the choices that he perceived in his future. He saw a potential happiness for Cas with Carter and he considered how he should proceed in his friendship with Cas, so as not to ruin his chances for happiness. Once he was alone in his trailer, he had allowed himself a few moments of quiet speculation. When he was in the same room as Cas, it was hard not to want a future with him. It was hard not to pursue more than the friendship that Cas was offering. It was hard not to hope.

He had to adjust his focus though. So, he sat and thought about what he had seen outside the window, while he held Lil. He had seen Cas maybe having a shot at something stable. He had seen him resting his head on Carter's chest, and something in him knew that Carter was a comfort to Cas. He was Cas' shot at something approaching normal and healthy. Dean wanted to be that, but he knew that he wasn't. He felt that he had only brought Cas pain, and he determined in those moments alone in his trailer, that he would not be that man again. It was the last text from Cas that really sealed the deal. He was kind when there was just no good reason for him to be. He was sacrificing his own shot at happiness to bring Dean a little peace, or so Dean told himself.

Dean had actually looked into Carter prior to leaving the city. He had abused his privileges at the station and had looked into any and all possible records that could exist on this man. He had hoped in so many ways that he would find something, some mark against his character. He wanted to have a reason for hating him that went beyond the fact that he was winning Cas over. In the end, he had found nothing. He felt like the only mark on anyone's character that mattered was the glaring mark that he carried around now. He had slept with Anna, and, even before that, he had gotten involved with Cas knowing full well that he was living a dangerous life. He let out a sigh of discontent and turned his attention to the box of case files. At least, for the time being, he could be of service. He would be an extra set of eyes, and he would figure out a way to keep them all safe, even Carter, if he had to.

He pulled out the files and his eyes fell on the folder marked Jacksonville. When Cas had been looking into places to move, Dean had done some research then too. He had been to this town when he was young. His mom and dad had taken camping trips here with friends. As he thumbed through the papers he recalled that there had been a couple of trips with Missouri. They had stayed in a cabin. It was funny to him that he hadn't remembered her when he first saw her. He had been young then, though, and they each looked older now than they did before.

It was interesting to him that this this tiny town had meant enough to both he and Missouri that they had chosen it as a place to safely settle. When Cas had been doing his research on where to relocate, Dean had slipped some printouts on the town into his pile of places to consider. He had also dog-eared Cas' AAA Guidebook to this town so that he would look into it further. It had worked and Cas had no idea that Dean had sent him on this path, or maybe he did. It hardly mattered. Although, now, it seemed strange to him that he had wanted to send Cas to a place that was familiar to him, a place that held good memories for him if he allowed himself to dwell on them. It had all been about making Cas happy and safe. This place, he had hoped, would do that.

He pulled out another folder. This one had been partially put together with the help of Donna. She had a fresh eye for details. She saw things that he had spent too many years with, and when she saw them, new things emerged. This collection was on the twins and their connection to Brady. Dean had been looking for a connection to Mirov or Crowley. It had distracted him for a time from the real connection. The connection came together when Donna looked over the files on Brady. She saw what he couldn't see. She had said, "So, Brady stands to gain the most and lose the most if certain secrets get out. It stands to reason that he might resort to violence to preserve what he has, even if that means innocent people get caught in the crossfire." Dean thought about this and it seemed like Brady was certainly worth investigating. He had looked into him a little after his meeting with Crowley, but it hadn't amounted to anything. Donna, though, gave him direction. She got him focused again. He wondered how much farther he would have gotten in his investigation if he had had her as a partner years ago.

He shuffled through several folders until he got to the document that he had gotten from Uriel just before he had left the city. According to the few words that he had gotten from Uriel on it, the document was a type of cobbled together history of the twins. Uriel had felt that it might be important, but Dean had not had time to dedicate to the reading until now.

He spread out the pages in front of him and read through some of the bold print first. They had been born in Candido Godoi, a town full of twins. According to Uriel's margin notes, this was also a town near one of Mirov's compounds. They had been born there at least twenty years prior to Mirov's arrival there. Dean decided to actually read through the rest of the document. The highlights and notes just didn't tell enough.

_Alastair (Al) and Azazel (A) Schmidt: Their parents died in a car accident when they were just over a year old. They had lived with a man named Ezra Schmidt. It is unclear whether or not they got their last name from their parents or from the "uncle." They were less than carefully raised. They tended to be found running wild in the streets. Most found their behavior to be less than civil. It came as no surprise when the two of them fell into connections of a dubious nature. The uncle was called upon to intercede, but he never seemed to have time for corrective measures, just clean ups. He travelled extensively for business, and they were not a responsibility that he had sought out._

_Time passed like this, and eventually they left home. They were sixteen at the time. Al had been arrested once or twice for petty crimes. A had found himself incarcerated by the time he was seventeen. Each brother managed to bounce in and out of jail, and each time they managed to become more and more hardened from the experience. It was said that Al had been incarcerated for rape, grand theft, and possession, all by the time he was twenty. However, none of these crimes kept him locked away. It seemed that a powerful force was always willing to bend the will of those in charge until he was back on the streets again._

_A was not much better. He had been taken in for possession. He had been accused of murder, but nothing had been proven. There had also been an issue involving children though, that had been frightening. He had taken several children from their homes in the dead of night. He had not harmed them, but it was strange. He did not put up a fight when he was arrested, nor did he seem too concerned about being caught. He had them in a warehouse. When he had been asked why, he had responded with silence. Some believed that he was a part of a child trafficking ring, but nothing was ever proven. (pictures A-F)_

Dean shuffled through the file and pulled out the envelope marked A-F. He spread them out on the table and looked closely at them. The photos were labeled on the backs with the letters. The first photo showed the infants in makeshift carriers on a long table. Along the floor there were several dirty faced boys curled into blankets folded like cots. The second photo showed the row of girls pressed back against the far wall of the warehouse. Dean thumbed back to the first photo and then looked back at the one with the girls. He felt a strange tightening of sorts spreading through his stomach. All of the children were blonde. It was odd. Not a single dark haired child. He looked back at the girls again. They reminded him of Lil. He brushed a hand over them, a type of protective move that could do nothing now, but he did it just the same.

The third photo showed a large van. The interior had plastic laid out throughout the back. It had a foreboding look to it, as if it were going to be used to dispose of messy things. The fourth picture showed A in the back of the arresting officer's vehicle. He had a smile on his face. It showed out through the grimy windows. His golden blonde hair pulled back tight into a long ponytail that was eerily similar to the look that he had even in adulthood. Dean could see in his eyes the same glint of evil that he saw that night at Sam's house, the night his world nearly came to an absolute end. He remembered how he had nearly killed Lil, how he had so easily and simply pressed the knife in, as though it was nothing to him to kill or maim something so innocent. He could see now in the picture the origins of that evil, and it did nothing to alleviate his fears for his people. The last picture was unclear. He squinted down at it, trying to see past the blur of it, as if that was possible.

He closed the file and ran his hand up over his face. "Maybe I am tired enough to actually sleep," He mumbled out to the empty trailer. He moved off to the back of the trailer and tossed himself into the bed. It felt comfortable. He kicked off his shoes and tugged off his pants. He squirmed under the covers that he realized Cas had bought for him. They were soft, like the kind of high quality stuff that he thought he might experience in a real hotel, not those rundown, roadside places his father took them to when they were young. He smiled as his mind drifted off into sleep. It was late. He considered his situation and all that he needed to be mindful of with regards to Cas. He would go over the Uriel files with him tomorrow after he read some more. He didn't get far, and had to admit that the day had really sapped his energy levels. As he fell asleep, he kept trying to redirect his thoughts to something neutral, but, as always, dreams were not a friend to Dean. His thoughts were of Cas, and all the things that he dared not hope for in his waking life.

* * *

The sunlight streamed through his window just after dawn, and Dean cracked open an eye to greet it. He stumbled out of the bed and shuffled through the requisite morning rituals. Between the bathroom and getting dressed he pulled out a portable stereo and set it on the counter. He plugged it in and popped in a tape, Bon Jovi. He sang along as he wandered back to his bedroom to get dressed. The music filled the room and was waking him up more than he had been before. He decided to take the file over to Cas' place to share the photos and some of the stuff that he had read on the twins.

He pulled on a plaid button up over his grey tee and scooped up the file. He opened the door and saw a thin dusting of snow covering the landscape around the trailer. His mumbled  _brrr_  sounded like a stutter coming out of his immediately chilled lips. He stepped back inside and grabbed a jacket to throw on as well. He stomped down the two steps to the ground and strode over to the house. Cas was already sitting outside on his porch step, coffee mug in his hands, steam issuing from both the mug and his slightly parted lips. He gave Dean a nod as he walked over.

"You're up early." Cas commented as Dean came to a stop in front of him.

"Never needed much sleep before; don't see that changing anytime too soon." Dean felt awkward all of a sudden, like he had just lost all purpose. He glanced around at the landscape and said, "Looks like it snowed last night."  _Yay, for captain obvious._

"It does that around here." Cas smiled a little though, so he didn't feel too stupid for too long. "You find the trailer comfortable enough?"

"Yeah, it was awesome. The sheets were way too nice." He shuffled about a bit. "You really didn't have to go to so much effort for me, ya know."

"I know." Cas sipped at his coffee a little and Dean noticed a second mug sitting next to his leg, steaming away.

"Is that extra coffee for me?" Dean pointed at the mug and stepped a little closer, leaning against the railing. By way of an answer, Cas plucked up the mug and handed it to Dean. "Mind if I sit with you for a second? I want to show you some stuff that Uriel sent with me."

Cas nodded at the spot next to him and Dean eased into it. They were rather pressed together, but Dean was determined to keep his focus. Cas said, "Uriel gave me a little information before he left last time. I was supposed to pass the information on to you, but it never happened. Did he get you up to speed?"

"Well, I'll have miles of reading to do before I am up to speed. This is just one of the files that he gave to me." Dean hefted the file up to show its girth. "Guy's a real pro. He is thorough."

"Yeah, Uriel was always the best one to have on the team. He wasn't distractible like Gabe. Now, Gabe was great in the courtroom, but Uriel was the one that made it possible for him to look great. Sometimes I think that half of Gabe's salary should just go right to Uriel for all that he has to do for that man." Cas laughed a little with the memories. Dean held his coffee mug in his hand, perched on his knee. Cas' arm rested on his own leg right alongside Dean's. His blue cable knit sweater was brushing the back of Dean's hand just a little whenever Cas moved. Dean was quite conscious of it. He glanced down at Cas' knee to the dark sweatpants that he was wearing.

"You always sit out here in the cold?"

"It isn't so cold, and yes, I do tend to sit out here most days." Cas sipped at the coffee some more and glanced over at him. Dean had to look away, because they were just too close. He wanted to ignore his own little internal voice that was saying,  _You could kiss him. He totally just gave you the I'm interested look._

"Where's Lil?" Dean glanced back at the door behind him as if she might materialize there at any moment.

"Someone kept her up late and then wore her out. She hasn't woken up yet." Cas' lips curled up at the edge.

Dean looked down into his coffee, pacing himself so that he would not run out and then be forced to focus on something more interesting. "Hope I didn't throw off her whole sleep schedule or anything."

"No, she has no real schedule right now. She is on winter break until after New Year's." Cas looked out at the water then up the trail. Dean followed his gaze and saw a distant runner heading toward their end of the trail. He glanced back at Cas. Cas wasn't looking at him.

"So, the part of this that I did read was an interesting bit of history on A and Al. I thought that you might want to read it too. Maybe two sets of eyes on it might spot something. I was doing my research with Donna, one of my colleagues, before I left, and she saw things that I missed." Cas' eyes fell on the folder in front of Dean. He shifted his coffee to his other hand and reached over to take the folder from Dean. His fingers brushed past Dean's hand and Dean shivered a little with the contact.

"You mind if I have a look now?" Cas seemed to notice the effect of the contact.

"Of course not." Dean let Cas pull the folder to him. Cas put the coffee mug down on the step and opened the folder. He looked down at the envelop marked A-F, and Dean pulled it off of the top.

"What's that?" Cas asked, following the envelop with his eyes.

"It's a set of pictures. They aren't your typical crime scene photos, but they are…" He paused a moment then finished, "haunting." Cas looked back up the trail, and Dean followed his gaze. He recognized the figure now as the distance lessened. "Is that Carter?"

"Yes. He runs most days and stops off to visit." Cas answered in a flat tone that drew Dean's gaze back to Cas' eyes.

"You sit out here and wait for him most days?" Dean asked in a flat tone too, hoping that it would invite honesty.

"I do." Dean got up with those words and carried his mug of coffee into the house. He walked up to the kitchen counter and set down the mug. He reached into the cabinet and pulled out a clean mug and filled it with coffee. He walked back out to Cas and set the mug down next to him.

"Seems like I maybe took something that didn't belong to me." He looked down at Cas who stared back silently.

"Hey there," Carter called over from the trail. Dean raised a hand to his forehead, shielding his eyes from the early morning sun that was shining piercingly bright off of the lake. He stepped down from the porch and stood off to the side a little.

"Hey Carter." Cas lifted the mug of coffee to him. Carter walked over and took it, sipping at it greedily.

 _How the heck is he gulping down coffee after a run? Weird. Normal people would drink water right now._ Dean pushed aside the negative thoughts and said, "Well, I'll just read the rest of the file over at the trailer." He reached out to take the folder back and Cas cocked his head to the side as if to question the move.

"I thought that we were going to go through the papers." Cas' tone had a slight uptick.

"We can do that later. You have company." He turned to Carter then, "Nice seeing you again." Cas handed him the folder and Dean turned to leave.

"You don't have to leave on my account." Carter offered. "I was thinking that maybe Cas and Lil would want to run the trail with me, but it looks like I will be finishing up on my own."

"Lil hasn't gotten up yet." Cas said, "Otherwise we would join you."

Dean looked over at Cas and said, "Why don't you go ahead and get your run in. I'll stay here and keep an eye on Lil 'til you come back."

"Nah. I'm good."

"Really, Cas. You can trust me with her. I'm not gonna fill her full of candy and then send her into traffic." He hoped that this approach caused Cas to go enjoy his run. He didnt want to hold him back. It seemed to work. Cas got up and stepped toward his door.

"Fine." He turned to Carter. "Give me a second to toss my sweater." Cas went inside with his mug and reemerged sweaterless and mugless. Dean sucked in a little breath when he noticed the tight lines of muscles just peeking through the material of his tee-shirt. He glanced over at Carter and saw him taking in the same view.  _He certainly has good taste, I'll give him that._  "I'll be back in 40 minutes. That's how long it takes to get to the end and back." Cas stepped off the porch and he and Carter fell into a run side-by-side and down the trail. Dean watched them go for a few moments before stepping into the house.

_It is the least I can do for him. He doesn't need me holding him back._

* * *

Lil woke up mere minutes after Cas and Carter ran off down the trail. She bounded out of her room and into Dean's side. She looked up at him with cheeks flushed with pillow creases and warmth. "Morning Dean."

"Morning munchkin." They walked into the kitchen together and he asked, "So, you want some breakfast?"

"Cereal!" She pointed at the boxes on the shelf next to the fridge.

"Okie, dokie." Dean pulled the box out, and she took it from him. He retrieved a bowl and spoon and followed her to the dining room table. "You always this energetic in the morning?"

"Yep." She got up from the table after pouring the cereal in her bowl and got some milk to add to it. "Where's dad?"

"He is running with Carter. He said that he would be back in 40 minutes more or less." Dean got up and refilled his coffee with the mug that he had left on the counter from before. He returned to the table and watched Lil shovel the cereal down her throat in big scoops. "You should slow down. You don't want to choke."

"I'm not gonna choke." She talked with her mouth full and Dean laughed at her a little. They sat for a while in companionable silence after that, Lil eating and Dean enjoying the warmth of the coffee and Lil's presence.

"So, what do you usually do after breakfast?" Dean asked as he plucked up her now empty bowl and carried it to the sink.

"I listen to my music and get dressed." She got up and started for her room. "Are you going to help me pick out my outfit?"

"You need help with that sort of thing?" Dean felt that this was not his area of expertise.

"Dad normally helps me. You don't have to if you don't want to, I guess." She looked a little disappointed.

Dean quickly changed his tone and scooped her up off her feet and flew her into her room. "Of course I'll help you." He set her down in her room and she went over to her stereo. She had a CD already loaded. She turned on the player and some woman's voice was belting out words with energy. Dean stood there for a moment, not sure how to respond. He walked over first and hit pause. "What is this?"

Lil reached over and grabbed the CD case and handed it to him. "Taylor Swift." She said simply, then added, "Dad says she sings wholesome songs."

"Oh, I don't know about that. Does he let you listen to any of the classics? I mean you gotta listen to the classics." Dean rummaged around in the dresser for pants and a shirt for Lil to wear while she answered.

"Dad let's me listen to all sorts of music. This is just what I am listening to right now." She jumped up on the bed and said, "Don't you like it?"

"I haven't heard enough of it yet to say." Dean evaded. Truth be told he might like it a lot if he just gave it half a chance, but he was determined to hold onto just a little of his tough guy demeanor, and Taylor Swift's music was not going to fit that image at all.

"Hit play. It's good and you can dance to it."

"What do you know about dancing, little missy. You better not be going off to the prom anytime too soon. I'm not ready for that." He laughed at her expression that seemed to say,  _I have no clue what you are talking about._  He hit the play button though, and Lil started dancing on the bed arms flailing about a little. She took Dean's hands and made him mirror her moves.

"You gotta move a little. You aren't even moving your legs." The song was blasting out around them to "Shake it off" and Dean complied with Lil's wishes by moving around a little. Then it struck him that the song was actually kind of fun. Lil's happy little face and energy as the song played out gave him a little spark of energy. She hopped down off the bed and started dancing on the floor now. He did some move that may have been the Cabbage Patch from too many decades ago. Lil laughed at him. She laughed harder when he pulled out the next move, the Running Man, and, if that wasn't enough, he added some moves of his own.

"You can't laugh at these moves, kid; they are the classics." The song was in its final energetic verse, and Dean and Lil were still dancing. Lil was singing too. Dean felt like he had some of the words down, since they repeated a bit and he joined her in the singing. He didn't know that they had an audience until the song came to an end, and there was applause.

He felt all of his muscles crunch up as he came to a full and complete stop. He turned to the bedroom door behind him and saw Cas and Carter standing in the doorway. They both looked absolutely amused. "That was every kind of entertaining." Cas said as Dean just stood there in a type of freeze frame.

"I gotta agree with you on that one." Carter added, letting his gaze run over Dean.

Dean took another moment, and considered how best to handle the awkwardness, and decided, that he was going to, for lack of a better way, shake it off. He walked over to the stereo that was now playing some other, less enjoyable song, and pushed the track button until "Shake it Off" was starting over. He tipped his head in a bow to Lil and the two of them faced Cas and Carter and started dancing again. Dean threw as much ham into his second performance as the first, arms sweeping out as if he were pointing out at a large crowd. Lil sang at top volume, so he joined her. Cas and Carter started laughing and the whole awkwardness was lost in a moment of good humor. It was weird that it took so little to shed that, to make things feel easy, even if it was only temporary. But Dean would take this. It was nice to just have these little moments. It was nice to just shake it off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trill is a musical term that describes the sound when two alternate notes are played just a little apart. The sound is also called a vibrato.


	29. Da Capo, Cas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Da Capo is a musical term that means from the head or from the beginning.

Something was different about Dean since he had shown up in Jacksonville, of that Cas was certain. He was somewhat carefree, and at the same time he had managed to control his words. There had been many times when Cas had expected something troubling to spill out of Dean's mouth; however, it never quite happened.  _That's some kind of progress._  He maintained a kind of control over his own words too. He worried that he might say something that would tear down the carefully constructed situation that they were in. It was comfortable and easy. He wanted to keep it that way. He was even managing to keep things comfortable and easy with Carter too. Well, at least after the run.

He let his mind wander back over that for a bit. When Dean had joined him on the front porch on his first morning in Jacksonville, Cas had made a concerted effort to reign in his feelings. He had admired the way that the jeans hugged his legs as he walked over from the trailer. He had also admired the too small shirt that was just showing through past the layer of plaid and his jacket. He certainly did not let his mind linger too much on the way that he felt all warm and comfortable at his side on the step. He did feel guilty when Dean figured out the issue with the coffee. He did feel even worse when Dean practically forced him to go on the run. Not that he had minded the run, he had just wanted to finish their discussion about the case.

He and Carter had run down the path, completely in sync. The sound of their feet pounding along had created a kind of comforting rhythm that Cas had made his focus. They had made it to the end faster than he had anticipated and came to a stop. Their breathes, Cas remembered had been a bit more labored than usual due to the speed at which they had run. It was almost like they had been trying to outrun something, and perhaps that was accurate.

Cas had leaned back against a large pine tree that towered over the other trees along the trail. Carter had walked up to him and rested his hand above Cas' shoulder on the tree. They had faced each other like this for a bit and did not speak until they had gotten their breathing in check. "You should have called me over last night." Carter leaned in a little more.

"Sleep was necessary," Cas replied.

"Meh, sleep's overrated." Carter leaned in and kissed Cas lightly on the lips. Cas moved his hand out from the tree and cupped Carter's arm a little.

"I'm not sure that you heard me when I said that I need to work on the friendship thing." Cas tipped his head to the side as Carter leaned back to him for another kiss.

"We've worked on our friendship for long enough, don't you think?" He maintained his position in front of Cas and stared at him, daring him to disagree.

"I am not sure what I feel. I think that you are quite wonderful in so many ways."

"Oh, you do, do you?" Carter edged closer and added, "Do tell. What do you find so wonderful about yours truly?"

"Haha, Carter. I honestly can't find a single flaw, but…"

"Always with the exceptions, Cas. Why can't we just go with the flow on this, see where it takes us?" Carter looked a little frustrated and at the same time he beamed out a smile that said,  _come on give it a shot._

"Obviously, I find you attractive, but if I'm being completely honest, I'm just not over Dean. I don't know if I ever will be. He holds a little piece of my soul, and I think that I hold a little piece of his."

"Do you really think that you won't be able to move on with someone like me? We have so much chemistry, Cas." Carter ran his hand up to Cas' cheek and brushed his thumb back and forth there.

"I don't know, Carter. I feel a lot when I am around you, a lot of good things. It is so nice to be wanted."

"You are wanted." Carter pressed a kiss to his forehead and then stepped back.

"I can't lead you on, though. I can't keep letting you believe that there is going to be more with me when it is very likely that I won't move on from Dean."

"You said that is not likely, but you didn't say that it was completely impossible. It is possible that you could move on from Dean. I think that you could move on. How about if I give you permission to just keep on leading me on?" Carter looked hopeful.

"I'll hate myself if I hurt you."

"You won't hurt me. I'm the one volunteering for this little social experiment. Just don't push me away. I want this, Cas. I want you and the whole thing. I think that we can make this work, and if we can't then it won't be because we were too afraid to try." Carter leaned back in and kissed him again, this time though he made it last. Cas wrapped his arms around Carter's waist and held him for a moment before they parted. "See, that wasn't so bad, now was it?"

"This has never been our problem." Cas said as he stepped aside. "I need to be getting back. I told Dean that we would only be gone for 40 minutes."

"Yeah, I noticed that you tacked on an extra ten for the run." Carter smirked a little.

"Thought that you might want to talk a bit. Didn't realize that you would just be getting all handsy." Cas smiled back at him.

"Didn't hear you complaining a few minutes ago." They fell into their run back to the house then and Cas was left to his thoughts as the distance between him and Dean lessened.

And it would have been easy enough for him to have maintained the effort with Carter if Dean would not have been so different, so captivatingly different. When they had gotten back to the house to find Dean and Lil dancing in the bedroom, it was surprising. They both just leaned into the doorframe and watched as Dean threw his body around like a wild man. He didn't turn around, though. Lil saw them, but she didn't let on. He had glanced over at Carter and saw the thinly veiled look of admiration on his face as he watched Dean move. Cas gave him a raised eyebrow and the look was returned in kind.  _See, I have good taste._  Cas seemed to say with a grin. They continued to watch until the song ended and then they gave a round of applause.

Then there was the look on Dean's face. At first, Cas felt a little bad about embarrassing him, but then Dean did something unexpected. He owned it. He danced with Lil again, to the same song, and it was silly, and confident, and so much of what Dean had been needing to find a year ago. It made Cas smile with utter contentment. And that was just the beginning.

* * *

The week passed in a constant stream of activity. Cas took Lil into town to get a Christmas tree. He felt a little guilty about getting it so late. Dean tagged along. Cas told him that it would be nice to have a little help loading it onto the jeep. Truth be told, he really just wanted his company. It had only been a week, but it had felt like Dean had been avoiding him as much as was possible while he was living right next to the cabin. He had grown use to a life without Dean over the past year. Well, as used to the situation as one could, he imagined. Carter had helped with that, and Carter had been rather present during the past week too. And every time that Carter would show up, Dean would depart for his trailer. Cas' mind was a storm of confusion. He wanted to have the quiet domesticity that seemed safe. He wanted the warm comfort of someone in his life. He wanted to be wanted, needed. He wanted to be loved. He couldn't help but imagine various scenarios, sometimes with Dean and other times with Carter, where he had all of those desires met.

Carter made him feel wanted and even a little loved. Dean made him feel needed, and sometimes the other feelings seemed to be there too. They drove into the town toward the Del Glenn Tree Farm. Dean had climbed into the back seat with Lil before they had left, and Cas gave him an odd look in the mirror, eyebrow raised in a type of question.

"What?" Dean asked as he fastened his seatbelt.

"I guess that I am your chauffeur then," Cas responded.

"Oh, the munchkin and I were having a conversation, so we needed to finish it up. I just figured this seating arrangement made sense."

"Oh." Cas hadn't noticed any important conversation happening, but the two of them had been as thick as thieves since Dean had returned. As he drove, he stole little glances at them. They leaned in close to each other and talked in low voices. "So, what are you two talking about?" He asked when his curiosity could not be contained any longer.

"That's a secret," Lil said.

"A secret, huh? You know that we don't have secrets, Lil." Cas smiled at her in the mirror and she smiled back at him.

"You do now." Dean smiled too.

"What secrets are you keeping with my kiddo? Should I be concerned?" Cas liked the look of mock horror that Dean put on as if the accusation could in any way be taken seriously.

"We are planning our Christmas shopping," Lil announced with giggles.

"Hey, you aren't supposed to tell." Dean put his hand over her mouth lightly and she stuck out her tongue. "Eww, gross, goober."

"Showed you." Lil laughed a bit and they pulled into the lot with plenty of good humor still flowing from them. They walked through the rows of trees, spruce, pine, ugly. Cas wanted something a little fluffy looking; if that was possible. Lil wanted something that smelled good. Dean did not weigh in with an opinion and just followed them at a slight distance.

Up ahead Cas saw a familiar sight. "Hey, Julia. Didn't know you were working here."

Julia stood behind a rough outdoor countertop with a beat up old cash register on it. She looked less than pleased to be there. She was dressed in an elf costume, complete with pointy ears. Her hair was raven black today with little green tips. "Oh, hey, Mr. Young. Leave it to you to put off getting a tree until the last minute."

"It isn't that late yet. Still have nearly a few days before Christmas." He replied as she came around the counter for a hug. She stepped back and glanced over at Dean.

"So, who's your friend?"

"Oh, sorry. This is Dean. Dean, this is Julia. She is one of my students. We performed together at a recent music recital." He gave Dean a look that said,  _Yeah that recital. You know the one that made you give up your life in the city for all of this country living._

Dean stepped forward and shook her hand, "Pleased to meet you."

Julia turned back to Cas, "Did you see that our video is kind of making the rounds? My mom should not be allowed to have a Tumblr."

"I may have noticed it. You sounded amazing. It is no wonder that people wanted to share it." Cas reached out and gave her arm a pat. He knew how she felt about too much attention.

"Oh, you haven't read the things people have written then?"

"No, I just saw that the video was popular, then I ignored it." Cas reached back and placed his hand on Lil's shoulder. He was worrying a little about the dangers that he unknowingly may have brought back into his life. He needed to feel that Lil was here, safe. He felt Dean's hand just next to his, but he didn't turn to look for confirmation.

"Well, everyone loved you. I haven't seen any hate about your voice. There's like thousands of comments about how you have the voice of an angel or somesuch. I wouldn't be surprised if someone wanted to sign you to a record deal or something." Something in what she said struck him.

"Well, people can be nice. Were some of the people saying hateful stuff?"

"Some." She didn't elaborate.

"You are an angel. I was honored to sing with you, seriously. I don't tend to do that sort of thing much, so you are special and wonderful. Thanks for letting me share your moment." He let go of Lil and hugged Julia again.

"Not like I was making a lot of conscious choices that night. I was freaking out. You're the best though." She shuffled about a little and then changed the topic, "So, you want some help picking a tree?"

They accepted her help, and yet it still took them the better part of an hour to make a choice. Lil had gotten bored and began running in and out of the trees, hiding. Dean's eyes followed her conscious of her presence the entire time. Cas noticed this while at the same time tracking Lil in his own way. Then Dean spoke, "How about this one, Cas?" It was a douglas fir, and it met the fluffy requirement. Lil popped back over and smelled it.

"Smells okay." She offered up with a half shrug.

Julia moved off a couple of rows and then came back over with a few broken off tree branches. "Here. These ones might smell a little stronger. You can push them into your tree to get the Christmas smell. Now, let's go get you rung up, so that you can decorate this." Dean reached over and scooped up the tree. He carried it over to the register. Cas reached out to take the end, but it was unnecessary, as Dean was not struggling to carry it alone. He even tied it off on the roof of the jeep himself.

When they got into the car, Dean said, "Would it be okay if Lil and I did a little shopping later?"

"When do you want to do that?"

"Whenever you can spare her." Cas looked over at Lil and she grinned with mischief.

"Now might be the best time for that. She is looking a little wound up, so you should have a blast." Cas smiled at Dean with that pronouncement.

"Gee, thanks, Cas. You don't think that we should take the tree home first? Someone might steal it."

"No one is going to steal a Christmas tree from the top of a car. Plus, it is rather close to Christmas. Everyone already has their trees, thieves and all." They piled into the car. This time Dean rode up front with Cas. As they drove, Lil sang a little song in the back seat. It sounded like "Since I've Been Lovin' You" by Led Zeppelin. The tone was certainly different coming from a child, but he recognized the song. He turned to Dean and raised an eyebrow as a question.

"What?"

Cas looked back ahead at the road. "Teaching Lil some new songs?"

"Yep. Girl needed to learn some of the greats." Dean was pleased with himself, if his grin was any indication.

"She likes Taylor Swift." He smiled a little with the memory of them dancing.

"That she does. Kid has good taste." Dean's grin took on a little smirk as he glanced over at Cas. They pulled into the shopping plaza and Cas said, "So, you two want to meet up at the cafe when you are done?"

"Yeah, and don't come looking for us. I don't want you to see what I get for you." Lil leapt out of the car and took Dean's hand.

"Okay." He leaned over to Dean and said, "So, you think an hour is enough?"

"That should be plenty of time."

They were close as they walked over to the shops. Cas could feel Dean's arm brushing alongside his own. It was warm in the winter cold. Lil was like a steam engine at Dean's side, puffing out little clouds as she skipped along. "Call me if it gets to be too much." He gave a nod down at Lil and added, "Here." He tried to hand Dean a few bills.

"What's that for?" Dean leaned away and didn't take the money.

"For whatever it is that she has conned you into buying." He pressed the money toward Dean.

"Keep your money. Also, it would be nice if you would stop assuming that I can't afford to take care of my own purchases." Dean looked a little annoyed then he softened and added, "I'm paying for lunch too." With that Dean and Lil wandered off to the other end of the shopping center and Lil turned back and gave Cas a wave that seemed to say  _go on_ more than a friendly goodbye. And because they were cute, he had to comply.


	30. Da Capo, Dean

_The week went well._  Dean thought this yet again while Lil pulled him along through the shops. She was on a mission, and that mission seemed to be to see everything for two whole seconds. He smiled at her and let her continue to lead the way. He was surprised yet again by how happy he had been. True, Cas seemed to be making progress with Carter, and it was also true that he was not, but that was as it should be. He took comfort in the thought that he was helping to set things right.

They stopped at a music store and Dean plunked Lil down in front of some records. "What are these?" Lil asked.

"They're what we talked about. They are like the CDs, but old like me and your dad." Dean laughed at her look.

"They're as old as you and dad?"

"Older. Now, pick out a couple that you think look interesting. I'm going to be right behind you here, looking at some of the CDs." She did what he asked and he started looking at some classics that he wanted to add to Lil's collection. "Little Beatles, little Bon Jovi…" He was plucking out the ones that he found reasonable from the B section and tossing them into his basket. He turned to look at Lil's progress and saw that she had a Pink Floyd album with a flying pig on the cover.  _Good job, Lil._

She walked her selections over to him and they took them to the counter to pay. Dean had already bought a record player for the records. He felt that every self-respecting music lover should have a little vinyl. "Where to now, Dean?"

"I don't know; you tell me."

"We should stop at the candy store."

"Oh, really. I'm not buying you candy. You're wound up enough." Dean took her hand and swung it back and forth while they walked.

"I don't need candy. I want to get some for Garth. He likes candy. He's a candy thief."

"You are really holding onto that. Okay, let's go get him some candy. Is there anyone else on your gift list?" She seemed to ponder the list in her head for a bit before answering.

"Are Sam and Jess coming to visit?"

"How funny, I hadn't thought about that. I should probably ask them, huh?" They went into the candy store and Lil grabbed a basket as they made their way in further.

"I wonder if I should get something for Mr. B." Lil wondered out loud.

"Probably, since he seems to be around a lot." Dean threw off casually.

"Why do you go away when he comes around? Don't you like him?" Lil stopped scooping up candy into the plastic bag that she had grabbed, and looked at him for an answer.

"I don't want to be a bother, so I usually head over to my trailer so that your dad can visit with him in peace." Dean pulled down a second bag and started scooping some coke bottle gummies into it.

"That is silly. I don't think that dad wants you to do that." Lil was scooping up Sour Patch Kids and pouring them into her bag.

"I'm sure that my leaving makes everyone a little more comfortable." Dean muttered and moved on down the row to another candy bin.

"Why do you think that?" She looked at him, waiting for an answer.

"Why do you think that your dad wants me to hang around?" He was redirecting, sure, but he didn't know how to answer her question. It would be too complicated and too uncomfortable.

"He looks irritated every time that you leave." She moved toward the next bin. It had chocolate covered Jelly Bellys. She scooped a bit of those into the bag. "You just don't see it, because you don't look at him when you leave. I asked him why you kept leaving whenever Mr. B came over, and he said that you are a weird man."

"I am." Dean laughed a little bit. Dean thought about it though. He vowed to himself that he would make a point of looking at Cas' reaction the next time. "You have enough candy yet?"

"Yeah, I think that I can stop now." She tied off the bag with a little wire tie that she pulled from the collection of them that were next to the bags. They wandered to the counter, paid for the treats, and then made their way out the door. "Has it been an hour yet?"

"No, we still have time. You need to buy some more stuff?"

"I need to get something for you." She reached for his hand and Dean shifted his bags to his other hand.

"You don't need to buy me anything. Maybe we should just head to the cafe early."

'Well, it's not like I can buy your present when you are around anyway." She smiled and they made their way to the cafe. When they were just outside of the place, Dean peered in the window. He could see Cas at the far booth. He was not alone. Carter was sitting right next to him. He had his hand over Cas' and Dean considered his escape plan.  _How long is the walk back to the trailer?_  He considered calling Garth for a ride home. "What are you standing there for? Let's go in." Lil pulled his hand and they were moving through the door.

They walked over to the booth, and Cas saw them. He took his hand from Carter and stood up next to the booth. "That was fast. You two get everything that you needed, or should I drive you to another place?"

"I'm done. I need food." Lil squawked and popped into the booth next to Carter, where Cas had been sitting before.

"Hey, Lil. You enjoying your winter break?" Carter ruffled her hair a little. She squirmed under the touch.

"Yeah, I like that Dean is here now. We get to hang out a lot." She smiled over at him. Dean smiled back at her.

"Oh, yeah. I imagine that has been nice for both of you." Carter looked up at Dean then. "Well, are you two just going to keep standing there or are you going to sit and order some food?" Dean glanced over at Cas and started to make some sort of an excuse.

"Uh, I was just thinking of popping in on Garth over at the coffee shop."

"He's not working today." Cas interrupted. He put a hand to Dean's back and directed him into the booth. He took a seat on the other side of him.  _Great. Now I'm trapped in the booth._

Dean took the menu that was in front of him and quickly scanned the items, hoping to prolong the distraction. He heard Cas telling Lil to order something, but the words were a little muffled to him. He was having trouble focusing. Cas' body heat was radiating next to him. His hand was resting on the bench near his thigh. He glanced over in Cas' direction from behind the menu. Cas was looking at him. Dean looked away quickly. "Guess I'll get a burger. They make good burgers here?" He set the menu down and looked at Cas again.

"Good as anywhere else I guess." Cas responded.

Dean glanced over at Carter and watched as he picked up a crayon and colored a corner of Lil's paper with her. "You do the apples." Lil directed. Carter complied, red crayon in hand. Lil looked over at Dean and said, "You do the house."

"I don't think you need that much help coloring, munchkin." Dean said as he brushed a hand up over her cheek.

She gave him a squinty look and said, "You do the house." This time he didn't feel like he could argue. It was like she was making a point. He picked up a brown crayon and she took it out of his hand. "No, use this one." She handed him a green crayon.

"Okay, bossy." He smiled at her and she stuck her tongue out at him. Dean glanced back at Cas again and caught the tiny tug of a smile at the edges of his lips. Dean licked his own lips and then turned away. He looked at Carter who had also just looked up at him. "So, is Lil this bossy in class too?"

"Not so much. She let's me be the boss most days." He chuckled a little. Dean smiled at that.

"So, I notice that you and Cas call Lil munchkin all the time. Where did that nickname come from? You both closeted  _Wizard of Oz_ fans?"

Dean looked over at Cas and waited for him to answer. When he didn't answer Dean spoke up. When Lil first came to live with u..." He started to say us then revised his path. "with Cas, she had a lot to adjust to; as you can imagine. One of us called her by a nickname that her mom used. It made her cry."

"Oh." Carter's face fell a little. "I'm sorry. I forget sometimes about some of your story. You all just seem so happy most of the time.

Dean glanced down at Lil and said, "Munchkin just seemed to fit her. I remember my mom calling me that once or twice after she read Sam and I the first  _Wizard of Oz book."_  Dean looked away from them and the waitress approached the table to take their orders.

When she walked away Cas reached over and gave him a soft squeeze on the shoulder. Dean smiled back at him. "So your mom use to call you munchkin?"

"Yeah, Sammy too." Dean responded with a raised brow.

"Clearly, she didn't realize that she was raising giants. That or she was a fan of irony." Cas was smiling and Dean felt warmth spread up to his face.

"I'm not that tall.

Carter chimed in, "No, you are quite tall. Your brother too. Seriously, you are the furthest thing from a munchkin." Carter and Cas both laughed.

Lil spoke up too. "He's right. You are tall."

"Fine, fine. I guess that there is only one munchkin here." He leaned down and kissed her head. She smiled up at him.

"I love you, Dean." It was an unexpected little bit of affection. He leaned down and whispered back in her ear.

"I love you too, munchkin," and pressed his head down to hers. He looked up and caught a look in Carter's eyes that seemed sad a little. "You okay?"

Carter looked away then and said, "Yeah, sure." He looked back then and seemed to have set his face to neutral. Their food came and they ate. When it came time to leave. Cas gave Carter a quick hug. Carter reached out and took Dean's hand into a quick shake with a side of bro arm slap. "See ya around." He said as he stalked off down the sidewalk.

"Did I offend him?" Dean asked as he got into the car.

"No, I think that he just saw you differently than he had before." Cas turned the key and backed out of the lot.

"What do you mean?" Dean couldn't quite figure out what there was to see in him. He was pretty sure that Carter already had him all figured out.

"I don't know how to explain it to you. You just see the negatives in yourself, but when you interact with Lil, you light up a little. I think that before, he saw the parts of you that you see, the guy that made questionable choices, the guy that says occasionally dumb things, the guy that I maybe talked about a few times after our little holiday gathering. I kinda wish now that I would have reigned some of that in, but I was upset at the time. Then, fast forward to today and he sees you talking to Lil and you are not what he imagined you to be. I think that he finally saw you like I see you." Cas said all of this while driving straight on down the road. He never turned to look at Dean or anything. Dean wanted him to turn. He wanted to read him. He was confused. His words carried a type of affection that Dean did not feel should be there.

"So, you think that he doesn't think that I am a giant douchebag ex-boyfriend, just a tolerable ex now?"

"I can't speak for him on that, but I would hazard a guess that he doesn't think ill of you after today." Cas turned down the graveled road to the cabin.

Dean felt the gnawing tug of words in his throat, words that he was trying to swallow. But Dean was never good at pushing down bad communication paths. "You said that he sees me the way that you see me."

"Yes." Cas pulled up in front of the cabin, and Lil unfastened her seatbelt.

"You gonna let me out?" She asked when they just kept sitting there looking at each other.

"Sure, kiddo." Dean got out of the car and helped her down. Cas tossed her the house keys and she ran up ahead of them to open the door and go in.

Cas lingered at the car. Dean began untying the tree from the roof. He pushed aside the other questions until Cas spoke up again. "You wanted to ask me how I saw you, huh?" Cas moved over to the other side of the car and pulled the ropes over as Dean untied them.

"I decided not to ask. I think that I can already guess." Dean couldn't see Cas' face, but he imagined that he looked irritated based on the tone of his response.

"I don't imagine that you can guess. Your opinion is often colored in harsh shades. I also sometimes believe that you think very little of me as a person. You always assume that I am…" He paused with a huff. "Nevermind."

Dean stopped untying the last rope and walked over to the other side of the car. Cas just stood there, head pressed to the doorjam. "I didn't mean to piss you off."

"You didn't. I did this to myself." He looked up at Dean, and Dean could see that he wasn't angry, just sad. He stepped up closer to Cas.

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to make things so complicated. I just, I just don't know what I am doing half the time." Dean leaned into the car a little.

"Like I said, it's not you. It's me." Cas turned to Dean then. "Help me get this tree in the house."

Dean welcomed the change in tone. It would be easier to throw himself into a task. He reached up and grabbed the tree near the top and middle of the thing. Cas looked like he was planning to help. "You should just step back and let me get it."

"I'm not that delicate."

"I wasn't saying that. It is really just a one person job." Dean paused for a moment and decided to lighten things with humor and added, "Plus, you are a little bit of a princess."

"Asshat." Cas' response was startling. Dean laughed. In fact he started cracking up.

"Asshat? Really?"

"Yes, asshat. And I am not a princess." Dean could barely look at him. He was laughing too hard.

"You kind of are. Do you have a single callus on your hands. I don't think that you do an ounce of manual labor." Dean was still grinning. He began carrying the tree from the car when he felt the thing being pulled from his grasp.

Cas pulled the tree to him and hefted it up on his shoulder. "I do plenty of manual labor, asshat, and I manage to take care of my hands at the same time."

Dean started cracking up again. "So, you gonna just keep using that totally made up word until it catches on, because news flash, it won't." He doubled over a little and Cas straightened up.

Cas started carrying his tree to the house. Dean followed and reached out to hold the back of the trunk a little. They pushed it through the just slightly tight frame of the door and wedged it up into a corner while each one stepped back a little and appraised it. Dean stole a look at Cas and noted that he looked a little irritated. It was kind of cute. He wanted to kiss him. His lips were curled up in a way that was pinched and a little funny. Dean didn't know what had gotten into him, but he had enjoyed it.  _Probably should get, while the getting is good._ Cas looked over at him and his expression softened a little. "Thanks for the help today."

"Anytime. I think that I am going to head over to my trailer for a bit." He turned to go and added, "See ya later."

Cas stopped him though before he could leave. "Come back over later for dinner."

Dean stopped and felt a funny little stir of emotions in his stomach. "Why?"

"Bring the case files. We should go over them." Cas said it in a rush, and  _of course Cas would want to go over that. I should have offered the files to him before. It is his life after all too that is getting gummed up by all of this._

"Around 7:00 then?"

"Yes. See you then, Dean." Dean pushed open the screen door and marched off to his trailer. He whistled a little  _Guns and Roses_  and smiled as he kicked up a little snow patch in his path.


	31. Hymn, Cas

_Shit, what am I doing?_  Cas stripped off the fourth shirt that he had tried on and pulled on a fifth. Garth and Lil sat on his bed playing a game of Uno while he changed. "How 'bout this one?"

He turned and Lil looked at him. "Meh."

"They all look fine, Cas. You sure this isn't a date, 'cause you sure are going to a lot of effort for a casual dinner." Garth chimed in, but kept on laying down the cards when it was his turn.

"It is casual, but then Lil said the shirt made me look sick and you agreed, and I don't want to look sick, so…" Cas turned away from them and pulled off the fifth shirt. He rummaged around for another shirt. "At least the tree came together fast."

"It looks nice. So, is Dean next door stressing about his clothes, ya think?" Garth laughed at him.

"No, he is likely not. I think that he has actually moved on from me a little. I think that maybe I have pushed him away." Cas sat on the edge of the bed with the next shirt in his hand. "What am I doing Garth? This isn't what I wanted."

Garth reached over and gave him a little pat. You'll figure it out. It has only been about a week. Remember what I said about taking it slow. You don't have to figure everything out at once."

"I don't think that there is anything to figure out. I think that Dean is here out of some misguided sense of obligation. I think that if I hadn't screwed up with the recital, he might have had a chance of building something with Anna. I feel like he got stuck here and now he is trying to make the best of it." Cas got back up and pulled on the shirt he had been holding. It had long sleeves and a v-neck. It was beige with a soft texture. It felt warm.  _I should wear this more often,_ he thought as he ran his hand up the sleeve.

"You look nice." Lil came over to him and gave him a hug, pressing her face into his side. "Dean loves you, not Anna." She said matter of factly. She tipped her head up and looked at him.

"No, honey. Dean use to love me; now we are friends." He looked back into the mirror then down to her again. Her face twisted up some and she looked upset. "What's wrong?"

"That doesn't make sense." She broke away from him and faced Garth.

"What doesn't make sense?" Cas rested his hand on her shoulder and she turned back to him.

"Why would he say that he loves you if he doesn't?" She still looked upset.

"When did he say that he loved me?" Cas figured it was something that he told her back before Jacksonville when he couldn't even use the words with Cas right in front of him. He wondered how he said it to Lil. He wondered if she had asked and if it had just fallen out like so much that Dean says.

"He said it when I helped him clean the trailer. He was watching you out the window when you were shoveling the snow off the path. He whispered it. He said, 'God I love you.' Then he turned around and saw me and asked me to keep it to myself." She looked down at her feet. "I wasn't supposed to tell you. Now he's going to be upset if he knows I said something."

"No, he won't. Dean never gets upset with you. Also, we don't need to mention it to him." Cas came up to her and hugged her. He looked over at Garth. "You wanna take Lil out for a bit? I need a few minutes."

Garth got up and nodded. "Maybe she and I could go to the movies or something."

"I don't need that long. Just a minute or two to pull my thoughts together."

Lil looked up at him. "It would be fun to go with Garth to a movie."

"Let the kid have some fun, old man." Garth smiled at him. "Plus, you seem like you might need a shot at uninterrupted conversation with Dean tonight too." Cas was already feeling his resolve crumbling. "I'll have her back by nine tonight. No worries."

"You sure?" Cas looked over at Lil then. She was grinning like she was totally getting her way.

"I wouldn't offer if I wasn't." He put a hand to Lil's shoulder. "Let's go get your shoes on and scram." They popped out of the room, but before they left the house, Garth threw Cas a smirk and said, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

Cas was standing next to the couch as they left and one of the throw pillows was within proximity. He plucked it up and let it fly at Garth's head. Garth ducked, scooped it up, and let it fly back. He nailed Cas in the side. "Asshat."

Dean walked in as Cas let the insult fly. "You still trying to make that stick?" Garth squeezed past him out he door. "See you later."

"Don't leave on my account." Dean laughed.

"My date is waiting. Gotta get going before our carriage turns back into a pumpkin."

"What the hell are you talking about, Garth?" Dean raised an eyebrow his way.

"Lil and I are going to see a movie. Have a nice evening with Cas, and tell him his shirt looks nice." He ducked as Cas threw another pillow at him. "It is totally the sixth one he tried on." With that Garth was totally gone.

Cas shouted after him, "Asshat."

Dean leaned against the wall by Lil's door, smirkingly taking it all in.  _Fucking gorgeous little shiteating grin. Damnit, I am going to fail at friendship._  He stood there for a second trying to figure out his next move while Dean just stared. "So, your shirt looks nice." He looked like he was going to laugh.

"You can shut-up." Cas stalked over to his kitchen, avoiding eye contact as he went.

Dean laughed at him. "Well, now, someone certainly knows how to take a compliment." He followed Cas into the kitchen. He leaned against the counter and watched Cas move about. "So, six shirts huh?"

Cas gave a little grunt and continued to busy himself with cooking. Visually ignoring him seemed to be the safe bet. "You're early." Dean didn't respond immediately so Cas failed at visually ignoring him by turning around. Dean was just leaning there still looking smug. He wanted to do something about it. He set down the spatula that he had picked up for no good reason. The chicken needed to be pulled out of the oven, but he was frozen a bit, staring at Dean.

"I may have over estimated the commute time to your place." Dean's eyes wrinkled up a little at the edges when he spoke. He chuckled a bit, and Cas smiled back. The sound of Dean happy was warming. He reminded himself that he was working on friendship. He thought about why friendship mattered. He wondered if it really mattered so much as he looked at Dean.  _Just one move from you and I cave._  They both just stood there. Then Dean pushed off the counter. Cas tensed up in anticipation. He leaned back into the stove a little as his legs began to feel loose like he couldn't have anticipated. He had felt confident before, when Dean showed up on his doorstep at Thanksgiving. He knew what he wanted, and he was ready to take it.

This moment though was different. He knew what he wanted and he didn't too. He worried a bit that it could all fall apart. He didn't want it to fall apart. He couldn't stand the thought of it falling apart. Like Dean, he had hope that they could have something, and one wrong move and it all would just come crashing down, maybe forever. He had made a decision though, a decision that he had not mentioned to Dean earlier. Dean had asked about Carter. He had told Dean several things. The truest statement was that Carter now saw Dean in the same way that Cas saw Dean. It wasn't just because he witnessed Dean's interactions with Lil. It had been more connected to the conversation that they had had before Dean and Lil came to the cafe.

* * *

Carter had already been in the back, sipping coffee when Cas wandered in. He saw Cas and sat up straighter. He gave him a beckoning wave. Cas had joined him, although it was with a little reluctance. "Fancy meeting you here." Carter got up and gave Cas a minor peck on the cheek before they both sat down.

"I just dropped off Lil and Dean. They wanted to do some Christmas shopping." Carter slid closer to him. The booth was one of those rounded ones that curves in a u shape around the table.

"How's it going with the new neighbor? You getting stuck hauling him around all the time?" Carter's tone had dropped into something that sounded like irritation.

"Not sure what you are implying, but he is doing well. He helped us with the Christmas tree this morning, which was nice." Cas felt like throwing in a little defence for Dean.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to go there. I was just having a jealous moment." Carter reached over and rested a hand on Cas'. "I wish you would have called me to help. I would have enjoyed it."

"I think that we need to talk." Cas looked steadily at him, willing him to see where this conversation was going.

"No, Cas. Please." Carter's hand squeezed Cas' just a little more, like he was trying to hold on just a little longer.

"You knew this was coming." Cas felt guilty again. He knew that he could have lessened this blow.

"Doesn't make it easier." Carter looked away and added, "He doesn't even seem to care about you. I mean, every time that I have been around, he just runs off. He doesn't even seem to have five words to say to you."

"He leaves because you are there."

"What do you mean,  _he leaves because I am there_?" Carter looked like he wouldn't let this go easily. Cas had expected this much.

"I think that he is trying to make a clear path for you and me, but I'm not sure. He has some pretty low self-esteem most of the time. He makes me look like the poster child of self-assuredness. Sometimes I think too that he is over me, but that hardly matters. I think that you should just know where things stand. I'm going to focus my energies on keeping Lil safe, and whatever this thing is with Dean and I."  _There, I said it out loud._

There was silence between them. Carter rubbed the side of Cas' hand a little with his thumb. "I wish I understood. I won't push you anymore though. I also won't be, you know…" His words trailed off into silence and Cas gave him a half smile of affection.

"You always were too good for me."

"That was never the problem. The problem was meeting you too late." Carter lifted his eyes to the front of the cafe. "Looks like your fan club is here." Cas had followed his gaze and dropped his hand from Carter's in anticipation of Dean's arrival. The sunlight was streaming through the broad windows behind them as they approached the table. It gave Dean a look that was somehow majestic. The closer they got to the table, the more Dean looked nervous. Cas had gotten up, just to make sure that Dean felt the distance that he was creating between himself and Carter. Eventually, he would need to find a moment to share with words just what the situation with Carter actually had become. For now, though, there would just be lunch and hopefully, not too much awkwardness.

* * *

Dean walked up to him and reached past him to the stove. Cas felt the warmth of Dean radiating toward him. Dean lifted the lid from the pot on the back burner. He was right up on Cas. If Cas could just bring himself to reach out, cup his chin in his hand, he could pull him in. He could do much with so little movement. His heart was pounding.

"What's this?" Dean turned to him a little and nodded toward the pot seemingly unaware of the little bit of turmoil going on in Cas.

"BBQ sauce. I tried to make it like the one that you whipped up at my place that one time. I'm not sure if I remembered all of the ingredients, but…" His voice tapered off at the end as Dean rummaged through a nearby drawer for a spoon.

"You don't mind if I taste it do you?" Dean had the spoon out and it hovered over the pot. Cas took a tiny step back.

"Go ahead. I hope that it isn't horrible." He was nervous, but now it was more about the failure in sauce making than in whatever his romantic overture might accomplish. Dean dipped the spoon in and blew on it for a second before tasting it.

"Not bad."

 _Damn. I forgot something. What did I leave out?_ "Be honest."

"You just need to add the pepper and then you are golden." Dean smiled and set the spoon down. He picked up the pepper mill and gave it a couple of cranks over the pot then took out another spoon and stirred it a bit. He pulled it out and blew on it again and tasted it. Cas licked his lips a little. Dean held the spoon in his mouth for a little too long. It was activating Cas' ticket to Imaginationland. Dean watched him staring back. It was like they were both in some sort of arrested state, wanting to say so much yet unable to be the first to break the silence.

"Hope that you don't mind chicken. It's not going to be great or anything, but it'll be passable." Cas muttered while turning to the fridge. "Can I get you a drink?" He was already pulling two beers from the fridge. Dean stepped away from the stove and wandered over to the shelf near the TV. It held Cas' stereo equipment. It was nothing fancy, but it had a dock for his player and his collection of music was fairly broad. He wandered over to Dean, who was fiddling with it. He handed him one of the beers that he had opened. "What are you doing?"

"Messing with your music. Whatever happened to the good old days when one could just look at a person's music on a shelf? Now you have to browse through these tiny screens to see what a person likes." Dean was scrolling through Cas' playlists. He watched him squint a little as he tried to read it all.

"Or, you could just ask what someone likes and let them tell you. It leads to this whole little thing that I like to call conversations." Cas felt pretty proud of himself. He was starting to wonder if he was still capable of normal banter with Dean or if it was going to begin getting awkward all of the time.

"Okay. what do you like listening to now? You pick up any new bands that have struck your fancy?" Dean set the player back and tipped the beer to his lips in a long gulp.

"I just bought the Hozier album. I'm a little late to the party, but good music doesn't have an expiration date."

"Hmm. I don't think I know that one. What do they sing?" Dean stood back up.

Cas stooped down and pulled the player out. He thumbed through the songs until he got to "Take Me to Church." He put it back in the player. "Actually, it's a he and not a they. I think that you need to just hear it. Seriously, if you haven't heard "Take Me to Church" you've been deprived." The song started playing and they stood there for a moment while it played, then Cas felt a sudden need to be a little bold. He set down his beer and took Dean's from him too. He stood in front of Dean and swayed into him a little. He ran his hands up to Dean's neck and pulled him into his orbit.

Dean seemed to stiffen a little at first, but Cas didn't let that affect him. He just kept a slight movement of their bodies so as to call it dancing. The words wrapped around them. He let his fingers rake up a little into Dean's hair. He let his body press closer to Dean's until there was nothing between them. Dean finally let his hands wrap up around Cas. At first it was just his fingers, tracing a slow, light path from Cas' wrists to his elbows. Then his hands left Cas' arms to find a place on his back. Dean stared down at him, through "amens" and Cas' own silent gaze.

As the second chorus poured out around them, Cas lowered his head to Dean's chest and felt the way that Dean's arms wrapped around him even more. He felt warm and safe. He felt like their entire world was this moment, and he wanted to keep it. He wanted to keep the song from ending. He wanted to feel like they would never break again.  _We could break again so easy. Don't let this break; don't let this break._  He tipped back from the position of rest on Dean's chest to look at him again. The song was ending. He wanted to take him in, look into his eyes and have him know, just know, exactly how he felt.

It was clear that Dean knew. The song ended, and Dean's mouth came crashing down onto his. It was a mess of a kiss and it was so them. It was the kind of kiss born out of desperation. Dean must have thought that there was a chance of rejection, with the way that he moved. It was a rush of lips and teeth and their bodies pressed close. Cas wanted to stop standing. He was having trouble keeping his body upright. If it weren't for Dean holding him, he would have fallen to his knees. Dean broke free first. "I thought that you just wanted friendship."

"I love you too much to just be your friend." Cas found a reserve of strength in his legs and propelled himself back into Dean's body. He kissed him. It was hungry. They were moving. Cas did not open his eyes; he just kept holding on, devouring what he could. Lips: claimed. Jawline: claimed. Neck: claimed. All the spaces between: claimed. He wanted more. "More."

Dean pulled him up off of his feet. Cas pulled one leg up around him. The other leg pointed at the floor in case Dean had to set him down. He broke from the kiss just long enough to rasp out, "bed." Dean started moving toward Cas' bedroom. Cas could tell that he wasn't making it easy for Dean though.

Then Dean stopped at the doorway to Cas' room. Cas kept kissing him. Dean was trying to break the kiss. "Burning."

"Yes, you're hot. Keep kissing me," Cas responded.

"No, something's burning."

Cas quickly realized what that something actually was. He shoved himself back off of Dean and rushed over to the kitchen. "Shit, shit, shit." Smoke was coming out of the oven. He threw open the oven door and even more smoke billowed out. He grabbed the ovenmits and pulled out the burnt food, tossing it into the sink. "Damnit."

Dean stood off to the side. Cas looked disappointed. "Sorry," Dean said, running a hand up Cas' arm.

"I meant to pull it out of the oven when we were checking the sauce. I think that I bumped the broil button too. Got distracted." Cas still looked at the tray in the sink with disappointment. Dean walked over to the front door of the house and opened it to let the smoke out.

"You have a grill out on the front yard there. Why don't we fire that up and throw on some of the chicken that you have left over in the fridge. This'll get us out of the smoke too. Plus, I don't want your sauce to go to waste." Dean smiled at him and then turned to the fridge to pull out meat.

"Sounds like a solid plan. Don't go playing any music while I'm out there. I might get distracted and burn another meal." Cas smiled back.

"Not sure that I mind a little blackened chicken at this point." Cas was heading for the door, but he turned back to Dean with those words.

"I feel like you are saying something more." He smiled a little. Actually, he smiled a lot. He thought that his face might split in two with all of the uncontrollable smiling that it was doing.

"Always." Dean's face took on the look of seriousness for a moment, and Cas remembered that that one word meant so much more for them. For a long time it had been Dean's  _I love you_. To Cas it meant more than the  _I love you_  that Dean had said just over a month ago. It was commitment and a type of devotion that did not necessarily require any sort of return on its investment. It was Dean saying that he was Cas'. And in Cas' head he said the word over again,  _always,_  as though it were a benediction. It was their prayer to each other. It was their longing, hope, and love all poured into one word, and Cas let the word cycle through his head on repeat. He would hold onto this, and this time they would not break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I will be traveling this weekend, it is possible that I won't be able to update until the following Thursday. Sorry for the wait that this will create. Hope you enjoyed this chapter regardless.


	32. Hymn, Dean

Dean had left Cas' place with Guns and Roses on his mind. He whistled it out as he strolled over to his trailer. He thought about the dinner invitation that Cas had given to him. He wondered if there was more to it. He felt a little spring in his step. I need to call Sam. He thought that maybe Sam might give him perspective. He needed to know if he was just imagining things. He thought that something was different about Cas, but he just wasn't sure.

He also needed to find out if Sam and Jess would be coming to Jacksonville for Christmas. He mentally slapped himself a little for not checking in with Sam sooner. He went into the trailer and pulled out one of his disposable phones. He called Sam's number and let the phone ring several times.. He was about to give up when he heard Sam's voice break through. "Hello." Sam had a wary tone.

"Heya, Sammy."

"Dean. 'Bout time you checked in. Jess and I were just about ready to drive out and check on you.'

"Sorry, you could still drive out and check up though." Dean sat down at his dinette. He stretched his legs out into the aisle space next to the table.

"Is that your way of inviting us out for Christmas?" Sam sounded happy.

"Maybe."

"So, that must mean that things are going pretty well, huh?"

"I wish I knew. I wish you were here to tell me. I think that it is going well, but I can never tell. I think that I misinterpret things sometimes." Dean wondered if he was making a mistake. Sharing with Sam could be helpful, but sometimes it just felt like he was being dragged over hot coals.

"Talk to me, Dean. What's happening?"

"Well, I thought that Cas was sort of seeing Carter. I've been trying to give him space, ya know. I leave whenever Carter is around, and I make sure not to say too much. You know how sometimes I say stupid things?" Dean rested his head back on the wall behind the seat, letting the cushioned seat-back cradle his neck a little.

"So, is that what has gotten you all riled up, the thought that Carter and Cas might be a thing?" Sam sounded sympathetic. He could almost see him turning up the sad puppy eyes of sympathy even through the distance.

"Not so much. I mean, I really don't want Cas to be with anyone, if I'm being honest, but I want him to be happy. I want him to be happy and safe. Carter is able to give him that kind of life, so I have kind of been willing to accept him. Today felt different though."

"What do you mean by different?"

"I felt like Cas was maybe not as irritated at me or something. It was the first time that I really felt like I had a shot with him. Like he maybe could feel something for me again or something. I don't know. I feel stupid just saying anything about it out loud, like some kind of lovesick teenager. I'm old, Sam. It isn't supposed to be like this." Dean huffed out a long sigh of frustration and waited for Sam to tell him that he was crazy, and that he needed to let Cas go.

"Dean, he loves you. Don't push him away. Whatever you do, don't push him away. You take whatever he is willing to give you. 'Cause, Dean, you are way better with him than you ever were without him. I'll come down there and kick your ass myself if you push him away over some stupid notion that he is better off with someone else." Sam sounded like he meant it.

"He deserves better. If I let him, he might fall for a better person, Carter. He might be entirely happier. I really want him to have it all, and I don't think that I give him much that is good." Dean was too hopeful now though to make the words hold much seriousness. Sam may have picked up on it, but he still answered Dean's words with a little vehemence.

"Dean, Cas is way better off with you than he ever was alone. He seemed to come alive with you. He needed that so much. I think that even he would agree, even now. So if you are done having your pity party of one, I suggest that you go get him, tiger, and stop acting like a lovesick teenager." Sam ended with a huff and Dean almost laughed at him.

"Nice to have you in my corner." He considered the many ways in which Sam had been there for him, really been there.

"Well, I hope you know, I care. Also, I'm sorry about the way that Jess and I left things with you before you headed off to Jacksonville. I never meant to be so harsh. We love ya, ya know."

"I know. I never really dwelled on it." There was a little silence that stretched out between them and Dean interrupted it to ask, "So, you and Jess wanna come out for Christmas or what?"

"I think that we might be able to swing it." Sam chucked a little. "You need anything from home?" Dean thought about the things in storage that could come to Jacksonville. He thought about the space that Cas had to work with and then his own space in the trailer.

"Nah, I think that neither of us has much space for anything."

"What about M's piano? Seems like Cas could make it fit in the house. We could borrow Bobby's truck to bring it." Sam trailed off a little at the end.

"Hmm, you think that he would want that here? What if he was thinking that it was safer tucked away in storage or something?"

"Safer from what, kid fingers. Nah, he wants it, but he has managed to forget about it a little. Let's surprise him." Sam sounded a little enthusiastic.

"Okay, Sam. Well, talk to Jess and let me know when you all are going to get here. I'll let Cas know that there will be more mouths to feed." Dean was smiling into the phone, happy that he would see his family. He hadn't really held out much hope of that happening so soon. He hadn't realized how much he would need it either.

* * *

He decided to take a trek into town before dinner. He figured he could meet up with Missouri to better solidify his plans for starting work. He knew that he would be expected after the holiday, but he hadn't confirmed an official start date. He was hoping for some time close to the new year. He had been enjoying the slight lack of responsibility, and he was not eager to give that up.

He found a spot right in front of the station. Dean killed the engine and strolled into the office. Missouri was behind the counter, sorting some papers into a file folder.

"Well, lookie here. Look what the cat dragged in. I wasn't expecting you to turn up so fast, Dean. I haven't even set up a space for you yet." Missouri rounded the counter of the precinct's front office and gave him a hug.

"Good to see you too, Missouri." Dean felt like they had fallen into a type of intimate friendship without really having much in the way of conversations to justify it. She had been like family once though. The way that her name would come up from time to time with his mom and later his dad, was always shrouded in respect. Later when his father had mentioned her, there had been a wistfulness. He had not maintained any of his friendships all that well after Mary had died. Even his friendship with Bobby was, at best, strained.

She let him go and turned to the counter where a young man was standing, watching them. He looked like he was maybe 18. he still had youth in the shine of his eyes. "Oh, where are my manners?" She stepped over to the counter, pulling Dean along by the arm. "You come over here and meet my son."

"I didn't know that you had a son." Dean dipped his head a little into a nod at the man behind the counter. His complexion was lighter than Missouri's, and he had a look about him that seemed familiar. He wondered if they had met before. Dean held out his hand, "Nice to meet you. Dean Winchester."

The man took his hand in a firm grip then released it. "I'm Adam."

"How come dad never mentioned your kid?" Dean turned to Missouri then, hoping that he wasn't just forgetting.

"Probably because he didn't know about him." She smiled at her son and said, "I moved out here some time ago. I came here just after your mother died. I even bought the old lake house that your parents and I use to use for summer vacations. This place gave me a nice location to restart in."

"So you met someone out here and started a family, huh?" Missouri's son gave a little huff and walked around the counter.

"I'm going to go out and get some air." With that he strolled on out of the office, letting the door close a little roughly behind him.

"Was it something I said?" Dean turned back to Missouri.

"Why don't you come on over and have a seat. There's some stuff you should know." She put her hand on his shoulder and guided him over to her desk and the chair next to it. Dean sat down. He didn't know why, but he felt nervous. There was something in the way that Missouri looked that made him worry.

He took a seat at the side of the carefully arranged desk. Missouri pulled her rolling chair back and slipped into it, rolling back toward the desk and Dean in a fluid motion. "So, why do I have the feeling that you are about to tell me something troubling?" Dean rubbed his hands together in front of him. He was trying to calm his nerves, but he was failing.

"Hmm." She glanced away for a moment then back at Dean. "Well, I might as well bite the bullet. So, your dad tell you anything about his time away, after your mom died?" She started. She placed a hand gently on Dean's arm as she spoke.

"No, he was a bit of a mess. We knew that he was going off to investigate mom's murder. We had Bobby, so much of what we knew came through him as a filter. Dad wasn't good at detail sharing. I think that the more time that passed, the more he drank, and that just made everything worse." Dean trailed off a little.

"Well, I saw him not long after your mom died, then again later. He came to see me, actually, several times while he was on the road hunting for information on your mom's killer. I helped him with his investigation. I dug through papers on drug trafficking, pharmaceuticals, and all sorts of shady characters. I kept copies of your dad's files here. He said that he needed a safe place to keep them. You're welcome to look through them anytime." She withdrew her hand then and seemed to worry the hem of her shirtsleeve.

"Thanks Missouri. Thanks for being there for my dad and us. I know that he was not an easy man to tolerate after my mom died."

She looked back at him, and the look seemed pained. "So he was unkind?" She asked, her voice slightly subdued.

"Yes. I loved him, but he was cruel. Maybe if mom had lived, she would have balanced out his rough places, but I hardly think that anyone could counter the mess that must have always been in my dad."

"I'm sorry, Dean. I had hoped that he had gotten his shit together. I really had. Part of why I severed my relationship with him was because I thought that he was becoming a bit of an alcoholic and way too prone to anger. I didn't want that kind of influence around once Adam was born."

"Did my dad know that you were pregnant? Did he know Adam's dad?" Dean fell silent when he noticed how her look changed with the question, a frown and her eyes closed.

"He did not know that I was pregnant. I decided that it would be best to keep John in the dark about that." She opened her eyes and again rested her hand on Dean's hand. She stared steadily at him. "I sure hope that you'll understand. I just couldn't tell him about Adam. I didn't want to complicate things. I knew that I could take care of him myself anyway."

"What are you saying, Missouri?" Realization was starting to nibble at the edges of Dean's mind.

"I'm saying that you have a half brother. Adam is John's son." Missouri gave Dean's hand a little squeeze. She seemed to be trying to press a little understanding into him. Dean just sat there, silent as the empty night. "Well, say something."

"Uh, I don't know what to say. What should I say?" And Dean stood, running his hand up through his hair. "Missouri, this is huge. How am I supposed to feel about this?" Dean was pacing now. "Does Adam know about Sam and I?"

"Yes, he wanted to contact you both, but I put a stop to that. I thought that it might upset you to know that your dad had another family. I also figured that it didn't matter much if we were known by you. I didn't want to complicate things for you all or for Adam."

"Shit, Missouri. He's family. That ain't a complication. You should have told us." She got up and swiftly wrapped her arms around him.

"You're right, sweety. You're right." Dean felt oddly comforted in her arms like his own mom was back, telling him that everything would be alright instead of just telling him that he was right. It was a message that he had needed for sometime. It was a message through her very presence, that made him feel like maybe everything really would be alright. Now how am I going to tell Sam about any of this?

* * *

He left the station, his head swimming with information. It had been a full two hours since he had arrived but it had felt like much longer. Adam did not come back while he was there, but he found him outside leaning up on the edge of the Impala. He had to push aside a little irritation at the disrespect to Baby.

"You okay man?" He walked up to Adam and stopped at his car door.

"Mostly. Mom tell you everything?" Adam wouldn't look at him. He kept staring off toward the town square as if it were the most fascinating thing ever.

"She told me. Does it bother you that I am here?" Dean felt a little guilty for some reason that he couldn't put his finger on.

"A little. I guess that it always bothered me that you and Sam existed and knew my dad, but I didn't get that. I guess that it bothered me that he didn't even know that I existed. You being here reminds me of all that I was cheated out of." Adam finally looked at him.

"I'm sorry. If I had known…"

"How could you have? You had your own issues. I don't blame you, just so you know." Adam reached out a hand again and Dean took it in a firm grip, shake, release. "I think that this was enough bonding for one day. 'Bout all I got the stomach for. If you want, we could talk a bit another time. You could tell me about my dad." Dean felt weird hearing this guy call John my dad. It kept throwing him.

"You got it," Dean said as he pushed aside the confusion. "You just say the word when you are ready. I'm living out at Malcolm Young's place. You can find me there." He was glad that he remembered to use Cas' fake name again. He would need to make it a point to get use to it.

"Will do." Adam walked off to the station. Dean got into his car and, for a moment, stared off at his retreating form.

* * *

Nothing about the day had gone as he had expected. He had not expected to feel the pleasant wash of affection as Cas lead him through the Christmas tree lot earlier that day. He had not expected the general warmth that came from sitting next to him at the diner. He had certainly not expected the deep escalation of everything that happened once he showed up at Cas' place, especially after the revelatory conversation with Missouri. It wasn't as if the events with Missouri were connected to his relationship with Cas, but usually life wouldn't hand out so much all at once.  _Oh, who am I kidding? This is par for the course Winchester._

Dean cast a glance to his side at Cas. He was quietly munching on the food that Dean had grilled just a short time ago. Dean raised a forkful to his own mouth and ate. They weren't talking right now as if they were both afraid of breaking a spell that had settled over them both. When they finished eating, Cas got up and took Dean's empty plate, along with his, back into the house. Dean got up and walked over to the grill. He cleaned it with a swift efficiency and then returned to the front step to sit.

He could hear Cas moving behind him before he saw him dropping down at his side. Cas scooted closer; although, they didn't have any space between them. Dean smiled over at him and extended his arm out around Cas, pulling him tight. He leaned his head down to Cas' head and nuzzled into his hair. "Missed you."

"Hmm. Missed you too." Cas tipped his head back a little and kissed Dean's throat. Dean let his hand run up and down Cas arm a little. They did not let things progress beyond the little kisses and cuddling that was happening on the porch. There did not seem to be a plan to take things inside or to Cas' room. They were both content to just be close.

"What does this mean?" Dean finally asked after a while.

"This…" Cas reached out and cupped Dean's jaw in his hand. "means that we love each other. It also means that we can maybe just figure out how to be good to each other. It seems like we might have a shot at this now."

"A shot at being a couple?"

"Yes, if you want that." Cas sounded like he was actually questioning whether or not Dean could want this.

"I don't get you sometimes." Dean reached back to Cas with his free hand. He took Cas' hand and pressed it to his lips. "Obviously, I want this. I'll always want this, you. You're it Cas. I was even wanting you when there was nothing more than my own baseless hope. I was willing to watch you fall for Carter if it meant that you would be happy and safe. I would have lived right there in that trailer, watching you build a life with someone new, if that was what you truly wanted."

"Oh, Dean. I never really wanted that. I was just trying to convince myself that I needed to be over you. I had zero success with that. I don't know what I was thinking. I love you so much." Cas leaned into him, resting his head in the crook of Dean's neck, along his shoulder.

"I really love you too. Like I stupid love you." Cas laughed at Dean then. "Don't laugh at me. I just told you exactly how I feel. You make me all kinds of stupid."

"Gee, thanks, Dean."

"I mean it. I try to act all suave and in control, then you make me forget my cool. I fumble and say ridiculous things. I act like an idiot, all because I look at you and I can't think straight. Even just watching you shovel snow out on the walk the other day…" Dean pressed a kiss into his hair. "I should have gone out and helped you, but no, instead, I just stand there at my window, watching you, loving you. I need to be good for you though. I'm not gonna lie; I'm hella nervous about screwing this up. I'm also worried that I'm not doing what is best for you and Lil."

"Dean, you are what is best for Lil and I. Please don't start looking for ways to end this before it even begins." Cas looked steadily into his face.

"You know me, Cas. I always look on the bright side." Cas laughed at that.

"Yeah, you sure are the eternal optimist." He kissed him, lightly. "We can be okay."

"I still have my hope. I'll be here with you for the long haul, no matter what that looks like. You got me. You get me, always. Okay." Dean kissed him back, and they seemed to linger there for a time. The press of their bodies, the way that their breathes intermingled in a communion between them, was stirring all of Dean's hope up. He was pleased with the feeling. They parted a little when the headlights from a car shown on them. The winter night had grown cold, but they hadn't noticed it through their own shared warmth. When they parted though, they certainly noticed the temperature drop. Lil rocketed out of the back seat and over to them. She threw her arms around them both.

"We had so much fun and ICE CREAM," Lil shouted.

Garth came over then and smirked down at them on the porch step together. "So, I will leave you now with your perfectly calm child. She is in no way jacked up on ice cream. No, no, no. However, I can see that you two might be able to deal with this together."

"Whatever do you mean?" Cas asked with mock innocence.

"Yeah, you and Dean seem pretty cozy. I'm guessing that you worked out some stuff while we were gone."

"Nope, we just got cold, so we had to share body heat." Dean smirked back and then he reached his hand up into Cas' hair and ruffled it up affectionately.

"Uh huh." Garth nodded, not convinced.

Cas added to Dean's statement, "And then Dean, here, being the knight in shining armor that he is, made sure to warm my lips a little. You don't ever hear about the many millions of Americans that lose their lips each year due to hypothermia. If it weren't for him, I could have lost them both."

Lil looked very serious, and reached out to him, pressing her palm to Cas' lips. Garth laughed loud and long with that. Dean laughed too. Dean leaned over and said, "Your dad is just kidding." Lil was noticeably relieved and that seemed to be the perfect way to cap their evening. Dean got up. "I'm going to head off to bed."

Cas tipped his head to the side. "You're heading to the trailer?"

"Yeah. We have a lot to talk about tomorrow."

Cas smiled at him. "Goodnight then Dean."

Lil turned to him and gave him a hug. "Love you, Dean."

"Love you too, munchkin." Dean turned to Cas then and said, "Love ya." It was casual and sweet, then he turned to his trailer humming out a tune as he went.


	33. Medley, Cas

Some holidays were a pain in the ass. Christmas though, now that was a joy. Dean had strolled in on Christmas Eve morning with a whistle and a smile. He walked right up to the coffee pot like he lived with them and poured a cup. Cas had just watched from his seat across from Lil and smiled. It was as it should be, except that Dean had not wandered over from Cas' room. That was okay though. Better to move a little slowly and have things last, than to rush into failure.

"So, Sam and Jess should be here in a few hours. You need me to help with anything?

Dean had told him about Sam and Jess coming out to visit the night before. They had parted ways only for Cas to get a text right before bed. It was cute. Dean even sent a little winking emoticon. It reminded Cas of before. When he thought that Dean was maybe not that into him.  _Silly._  It was strange to think that they were ever so naive with regards to each other. Even now, it was Lil's presence that was keeping him from diving headlong into Dean's mouth. He hoped that they might find a few moments during the day to enjoy each other's company a bit more. Dean took a seat at the table. "Are you going to put them on the pull-out couch?"

"Yeah, they seemed to like it." Cas held his mug out to Dean and he took it. "Mind topping it off?" Dean nodded and took it over to the pot. He filled it and returned to the table. Lil was munching away on her cereal, smiling around her spoon.

"You look happy, munchkin." Dean said to her as he took a gulp of his coffee.

"Everything went just the way that Garth and I thought that it would." She mumbled around a mouthful of food.

Cas smiled at her and asked, "What are you talking about, Lil?"

"You and Dean. He said that we should get ice cream and give you two enough time to work out your issues." She sat back and looked from one to the other. "You worked out your issues didn't you?"

Dean laughed. "Your dad and I have too many issues to work out in one evening. He's going to have to spend a lot more time with me if we are ever going to work them all out."

Cas laughed at him now. "Good thing that I like your company. We definitely need to work out more of our issues, though." Cas raised an eyebrow to Dean with that comment and Dean shook his head with a smirk.

"You're bad. Stop now."

Lil looked at Cas like he had in fact done something wrong, but she did not know what. "Shh. You are worrying the kid." He turned to Lil then. "Dean and I are good. You don't need to worry about that anymore. I know that you have been a major member of the Dean Winchester fan club for some time now."

"Ah, I have a fan club?"

"The cutest fan club ever." Cas got up and scooped up Lil into his arms. He blew raspberries into her neck and she squealed. "You don't even know how much manipulation this one threw your way."

"Oh, really?" Dean took her from him and held her close. "Guess I should save you from the Daddy Monster huh?"

"Yeah, too many raspberries."

"Thanks for having my back." He leaned into her and gave her an eskimo kiss. "I should have bought you more presents."

"Nope. I have plenty." She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him tight. Cas felt like he had plenty too.

* * *

The familiar rumble of a truck was greeting their ears before they saw it. Cas and Dean had just finished putting the ham in the oven. Lil was playing in her room. Dean wiped his hands off on the dish towel and then gave Cas a snap. "Come on. Let's go greet them on the porch."

"Okay. You seem pretty excited." Dean grabbed Cas around the waist, spun him around, and kissed him full on the lips.

"Sam doesn't know that we worked out anything yet. I talked to him the other night, but it was before I came over, and he was all kinds of encouraging."

"Sam always was one of our biggest fans." Cas grinned into another kiss then let himself get pulled to the front porch. "Hey, Lil. Come out and say hello to Sam and Jess. They're pulling up out front."

Lil popped her head out of her room and then followed them out. Dean stood behind Cas near the steps watching as the truck rounded the house and came to a stop in front of the porch. He looped his arms around Cas' waist and leaned his head down into the crook of his neck. "Look at Jess. She just noticed us." Jess was smiling then clutching her mouth with her hands. Sam popped out of the car and looked too pleased.

"Well, Merry Christmas to you Dean." Sam practically jogged over to the porch and pulled them both into a mess of a hug.

"Me too." Lil called up to them. Sam let them go and bent down to her, scooping her up into his arms.

"You've grown since I last saw you. I can't believe how tall you are getting."

Jess had gotten out of the truck, but she was not alone. There was a blonde woman getting out of the truck behind her. "You didn't tell me you were coming." Dean strode over to her and wrapped her in a hug. "Come over here and meet, Cas."

"Seriously, Dean. Where's the love?" Jess stood at his side and he turned to her and picked her up with ease. He spun her around and pressed a kiss into her hair.

"I saved the best for last." He smiled at her as he set her down.

"So, you both worked this out." She swirled her hand about toward Cas.

"Mostly. We got a lot to deal with, but we will. We both want the same thing." Dean was all smiles and Cas found it to be infectious. Dean lead the blonde woman over to the porch and gestured at Cas. "This is Donna. Donna, this is Cas; although, he goes by Malcolm Young out here."

"I've heard so much about you." Her face was likely 90% smile, Cas decided. He liked her immediately.

"So, what got you out here for a visit? I didn't expect to see you so soon." Dean looped an arm around Donna's back and everyone made their way up to the house.

"I felt that there was a lot to share with you and that Christmas was the ideal time to do so." Donna looked amused with herself.

"Really, Donna? Nothing says Merry Christmas like a decade's old murder investigation coupled with a little drug trafficking." Dean let Donna go and moved back over to Cas. He ran an arm around his waist and held him close.

"I felt like this would be the best time to sneak off and catch you up. Seemed like a time of year for travel and that no one would notice if I just up and went somewhere." She looked a little like she was carrying around some burden that she was trying to share in a cagey manner.

"Well, let's plan to talk a bit after dinner," Dean said.

"No, let's talk after Christmas. No sense in clouding a perfectly good holiday. You all mind if I drag my stuff in from the truck?" She turned to Cas then. "I hope that you don't mind my joining the group without an official invite. You have room for me?"

"I don't mind at all. You want some help with your stuff?" Sam immediately jumped toward the door.

"Ah, no. I'll help. There are secrets out there that you don't get to unearth until tomorrow." Sam looked too happy. Dean leaned down then and kissed Cas near his ear.

He whispered into his ear when the kiss ended. "So, where are you putting everyone?"

Cas looked up at him and said, "We could give her my room."

"Wow, Cas, trying to play for the other team huh?" Dean smirked down at him.

"I was actually thinking that I could bunk with you next door." Cas winked at him.

"Oh, I hadn't even thought of that option." He kissed him again and smiled into the move.

"Sure you didn't." Cas laughed. He looked over at Jess and saw her grinning at them.

"I'm really happy for you two. Sam told me that you had called the other day, and I had a bit of hope." She turned to Dean then and said, "I'm sorry about how I treated you the last time that you were in town. I feel pretty bad about it all. Bobby gave us both an earful. You know I love you Dean, right?"

"I know, Jess. I didn't hold it against you or Sam in any way." He walked over and hugged her again. Sam and Donna came back in.

"So where should I toss my bags?" Donna asked as she came in.

"You can toss them in my room. I will be bunking over in the trailer with Dean. Jess and Sam will take the couch. Lil, you get your normal room."

"Ah, I want to sleep in the trailer." Lil whined at them.

"Maybe tomorrow, munchkin." Dean offered. "Someone has to keep an eye on the guests."

"Is Santa delivering the presents to our house or your trailer? She asked.

"I'm pretty sure that the presents get laid out under the tree, and I don't have a tree at my place." Dean leaned over to Cas' ear again. "We might need to do some wrapping tonight. I haven't gotten Lil's stuff all taken care of yet. I wanted to get your approval first."

"I'm sure that I won't have a single complaint. We can wrap after everyone gets settled down for bed." Sam came back over then and everyone picked a couch or seat to plant themselves in while the dinner cooked. Cas felt like his world was finally clicking. Dean got up and checked on the ham and then returned to the couch to wedge himself in behind Cas.

"So, how've all the guys been at the station? Everyone miss me?" Dean smiled over at Donna.

"You know it. They just cry and cry. 'Oh, if only Dean were back.' Then I go around and comfort them. Poor puppies." She laughed a little.

"Wow, I feel the love." Dean ran his hand up and down Cas' arm. Cas pressed back into Dean, leaning into his chest. Dean's other arm snaked up around him. It was funny to him how easily they had fallen into this level of comfort, like they had never been apart. It was like months of separation had finally ended, and the discomfort was just gone, poof.

"Well, it has been odd not having you around there. The boys seem to be adjusting. I, myself, have been too busy to pay much attention to them. I've been meeting with Uriel or Sam, here on a near daily basis. I also got a meeting in with Brady." Donna looked pleased with herself.

Dean leaned forward over Cas' shoulder. "How did that go?"

"You're kinda impatient huh? Well, he is hiding something, I think. He had all sorts of sympathy for Cas here. He even asked where he was living now. I said that I thought that he was in Florida or something. So, I would avoid Miami. He didn't like my questions about South America. He had me escorted out. He said that next time I might need a more official foundation to stand on." She got up from the couch. "Mind if I raid your fridge for a beer?"

"Mi casa, es su casa," Cas said. "Do you think that we need to be worried more so than normal?"

Dean said, "Let's hope not." He watched Donna make her way back to the couch, beer in hand. "Do you think that we should be worried?"

"Just normal worried. I don't think that he would even begin to know how to deal with his situation." Cas looked at Dean while Donna said this. He saw the tightening of Dean's jaw, and he knew that Donna's take on the situation was likely a little naive. He decided, though to just go with the flow, enjoy the holiday.

* * *

The dinner was all that it should have been. With full bellies and heads full of sleep. They each went off to their respective beds. Dean took Cas' hand and lead him off to the trailer. While he was getting Lil ready for bed, Cas had noticed that Dean had gone off with his brother for a bit. They were apparently doing some heavy lifting, because Dean came back out of breath and sweaty. Dean had just said, "Don't ask," and Cas had respected that . It was Christmas after all.

"I expect coffee in the morning, Sam." Cas tossed back as he and Dean walked out the door.

"Least I could do, since I'm taking up most of your living room." He gave them a little wave and a muttered goodnight as he tucked up next to Jess in the bed. The plate of Santa cookies had one cookie left. Sam brushed away the remnants of crumbs from his mouth. Dean walked over and took the last one off of the plate.

"Thanks for sharing." Dean smiled at his brother. "See you tomorrow."

"Merry Christmas, Dean." Jess muttered into her pillow.

"Same to you, sis."

On that note they walked out into the night together. It was clear, cool, and crisp. There was not a hint of snow, which made Cas happy. He did not want to spend time clearing paths on the property. He also didn't enjoy driving in the snow. They didn't walk to the trailer right away. Dean lead him down to the dock and they stood out on the end of it, gazing out at the moonsoaked waters. It was a pool of a million stars that surrounded them. Cas hadn't grabbed a jacket on the way out. He shivered a little. Dean noticed. He wrapped his arms around Cas and pulled him in close.

Cas pushed his arms up under Dean's jacket and wrapped them around Dean's back. They held each other there for awhile. Cas had his ear pressed to Dean's chest. He listened to each drum beat that steadily marked the existence of this man that he loved. "How much do you have to wrap?"

"Just a few things for Lil. I wrapped your stuff a few days ago."

"What did you get me?" Cas looked up into Dean's eyes.

Dean pushed a kiss down to his forehead. "Guess you'll find out tomorrow."

"You know you didn't need to get me anything. I am rather content with what I have." Cas felt Dean's hands coaxing warmth into his back.

"I know. Maybe we should head in. You feel cold."

"I am. I am happy though." They walked to the trailer together and went inside. The space was a little cramped. Dean went into his bedroom and pulled out the CDs that he had bought for Lil. He laid them out on the dinette along with the wrapping paper and tape. Cas retrieved the scissors from the kitchen counter behind them and began cutting out the necessary paper to wrap one of the CDs. Dean pulled out a small music player from his pocket and put it into the dock on his counter. "Is that my player?"

"I may have nicked it on the way out. I wanted to listen to a bit more of your music while we wrapped. You mind?"

"Not at all. So, you approve of my musical tastes now?" Dean set the player to Hozier again. He walked over to Cas and said, "Always have. It's what made me fall for you. Well, that and other things."

"Oh, what other things." Cas knew he was fishing, but it was fun.

"You get along with Sammy to the point of saving his life. You care about others to a depth nearly unheard of in this world. Your eyes wrinkle up at the edges when you laugh. You have a good moral compass. You're gorgeous and, I think, way out of my league." Dean brushed a hand up Cas' neck, cupping his cheek in his hand.

"You are totally out of my league, but let's just agree to disagree on that one. I like the way that you see me. It is funny to me that anyone looks at me and sees things that are endearing."

"You're ridiculous. Everything about you is endearing and then some. Come here." He pulled Cas up into his arms and they kissed. Cas felt himself melting into Dean. When they parted Dean said, "Now stop distracting me, so we can get this done and go to bed."

They each took a corner of the dinette and worked on the wrapping. The songs cycled through the tracks and Cas hummed along. They finished Lil's presents then Dean went to his room and pulled out some bags with presents for Sam and Jess. "What did you get them?"

Dean pulled out a framed picture of his family. Sam was in his mother's arms, Dean and his dad stood on either side. The morning sunlight was casting them in a heavenly glow. They looked so happy. "Sam hasn't seen this picture. I found it in a big, old box that I had in storage. Since he and Jess have a house, I thought that they should have it to hang up. Moving caused me to find a whole bunch of stuff that I didn't even know that I had."

"It's beautiful. You all look so young, and happy." Cas ran his fingers along the edge.

"We were a very happy family then. It's amazing what a difference one person can make in the lives of others. Mom's absence changed so much." Cas reached over to Dean's hand and gave it a little squeeze.

Dean started wrapping the picture then. He pushed a book over to Cas. "What's this?"

"Just a book for Jess. It was my mom's favorite. Thought that she might like it." Cas looked at the title,  _Cat's Cradle_.

"Nothing like a little light reading for the holidays." Cas smiled over at Dean.

"Yeah, it maybe isn't exactly a happy feel good book, but I think that she'll like it. She's a lot like my mom personalitywise." They finished off the wrapping then and Dean asked, "Did Lil wrap Garth's candy?"

"Yeah, she was wrapping all of her little gifts in her room the other day. She wouldn't let me see them. It was pretty cute."

"So, which one of us is getting up extra early to take the presents over?"

"God, can't we just take them over now and then sleep in tomorrow?" Cas got up and stretched out.

"It's like you don't know your kid at all. You know that she won't be sleeping in." Dean laughed and scooped up the gifts. "I'll be right back." He walked out the door and Cas was left alone for a moment. The music still played and he sang along. He was already in his sweatpants and tee shirt, so he didn't need to change for bed. He kicked off his shoes in the "living room" section of the trailer. He cleaned up the scraps of wrapping paper and put away the scissors and tape. He heard Dean returning. "Could hear you singing outside."

"Oh, was I loud?"

"No, it's just a quiet night." Dean edged past Cas and made his way to the bedroom. He sat on the bed and pulled off his shoes and then his jeans. Cas came over and leaned in the door frame. Dean reached into the box next to his bed and pulled out a pair of sweats.

"Nice dresser."

"Hey, don't judge. I just moved in. I still haven't figured out the lay of the land here yet." Dean slipped on the sweats and crawled up the bed. He got under the covers and Cas stayed in the door frame watching him. "So, this is the part where maybe you get in bed too. Or you can just stand there watching me sleep. Your call."

Cas laughed at him and got into bed. "It was just a little surreal there for a moment. This feels almost like what normal people do. It's kinda domestic."

"Are you saying that we just became normal people? Shuddering." Dean rolled over onto his side and threw a leg over Cas and an arm too for good measure.

"Well, one of us is going to sleep well."

"You love it. Shh." Dean pressed a kiss into Cas' neck.

"You're right; I do."

Dean leaned back then and said, "I might need to invite someone else over tomorrow. Would that be okay?"

Cas tried to make out his face in the dark to read him. His tone had shifted a little. "Of course. Who are you inviting? You know I already invited Garth right?"

"Not Garth. Missouri and her son Adam." Dean sounded tired.

"Are you okay? You sound troubled." Cas smoothed a hand over his head.

"Yeah, I just have to figure out how to tell Sam that we have a new half brother."

"What?"

"Yeah, turns out that my dad had a kid that he didn't know about. Missouri told me the other day. I've been trying figure out how to tell Sam. I was going to tell him when we were out front moving stuff, but that took too much concentration. Maybe tomorrow I can get him to go walking with me for a bit."

"Can I help with anything?"

"Maybe you can tell Jess while I'm out with Sam, then the story doesn't have to be repeated. I just think that a lengthier conversation might be necessary with Sam." Dean nuzzled down into Cas' shoulder. "I'm done thinking about it for right now. I need to sleep."

"You do that." Cas kissed him on his temple and moved his arm down to cradle his shoulder. They would fall asleep like that, a tangle of limbs. Cas thought about the added layer of family that Dean just discovered and how oddly serendipitous life could sometimes be. He breathed in the woodsy scent of Dean's hair and body. He could hear little puffs of snore sounds escaping from Dean. He occasionally felt his own lips pooch out to kiss Dean until he was no longer conscious enough to note it anymore.

* * *

The room was still dark when he felt Dean leave the bed. He hadn't realized how much Dean had been pressed on him until he was gone. He scooted down further into the blankets taking over the warm area that had formerly been occupied by Dean. He reached out and found Dean's pillow and pulled it into an embrace. He felt a kiss on his back, between his shoulder blades. "You are adorable when you are sleepy," Dean's voice whispered past his ear.

"Why are you awake?" Cas refused to open his eyes.

"I got my four plus hours in. I'm good. You go ahead and keep sleeping." He felt Dean slip away from him and heard him padding out of the room. There was a sound of water running and the familiar burble of coffee percolating. He was really trying not to wake up. He heard Dean shuffle into the bathroom. The coffee was getting louder. The earthy brew was filling the room with a smell that made Cas finally crack open one eye. He leaned over to the alarm clock and saw that it was 4:30.

"Dean, you are insane. You know that it is 4:30?" The water was running in the shower. Dean likely couldn't hear him. He got up and walked over to the coffee pot. He poured himself a cup and sipped a little. He turned on his music and sat down at the dinette for a moment to see if consciousness would take over. He gulped down a little more coffee. Dean started singing Christmas songs in the bathroom. It sounded like "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." He was a little more on key than expected. Cas remembered how he had sounded before. He smiled when Dean got to the part about making the Yuletides gay. He set down the coffee mug and went into the bathroom. "Want company?"

"Heck yeah. Don't know if the space can accommodate us both though. Cas slipped out of his clothes and tossed them into the pile of Dean's clothes in the corner. He slipped past the glass door and into the shower with Dean. He was right, it was a rather a tight fit.

"I guess I should have gotten you a trailer with a bigger bathroom." Cas leaned his head into the shower stream.

"Who knew you'd want to put more than one person in it." Dean smiled at him. He poured a bit of shampoo into his hand and began rubbing it into Cas' hair. "Thought you were going to try to sleep in."

"Sure you did. You started making coffee. You know that I can't ignore coffee." He pushed a kiss into Dean's chest and felt his hands scrubbing away at his scalp. "God, that feels nice. Might actually be too relaxing." He tipped his head back into the water again and let it wash away the soap. Dean smoothed back Cas' hair in the water. He reached up to Dean's cheek and pulled his face to his in a kiss. He traced a path from Dean's mouth, to his jawline, down to his neck.

"This is the best way to wake up. We need to do this everyday." Dean's hands ran down Cas' back and lingered at his hips. They were rather limited in what they could do. The shower had maybe a half foot of space on either side of them, so long as they stayed pressed together. If they moved apart, then they would be pressed to either the wall or the glass door. "We might need to take this to the bed. Not that I am complaining mind you. I just can't see us being able to move much in this space."

"So you don't think that you can move enough in here? Cas' hand dipped down between them. He leaned back into a kiss.

"I may have been wrong." Dean's hips moved with Cas' motions. Cas held him tight and pulled a leg up over his hip, pulling him closer with the move. They moved together a wet tangle of legs and hands. Their breaths shaking out together. "God, Cas." The warm water left him as Dean moved forward a little, pressing Cas' back to the shower wall. "God, I wanted this so much."

"Me too." Cas angled his mouth into Dean's. His tongue took a tentative swipe in his. Dean sucked at his bottom lip. Time passed like this in a sort of slow motion. Their mouths pressed to each other, their bodies close, their eyes locked onto each other each time they broke apart for air. Dean's hands began exploring him. The two of them were rocking into each other's hands. "I love you. I love you." He said it twice. Somehow, he thought that it definitely bore repeating.

Dean must have thought that it was funny, because he repeated him with a chuckle, "I love you. I love you."

"Are you making fun of me?" Cas held him.

"Never." Dean stuttered out. Cas held him a little longer and felt his own body shake into a satisfied heap in Dean's arms. "I really do love you, Cas."

"Merry Christmas, Dean. I love you too." They held each other there. It was a comforting warmth that enveloped them. It made Cas feel as though this might be the most wonderful holiday he could have hoped for.


	34. Medley, Dean

They had somehow made it back to the bedroom again. Cas curled up under the blankets. Dean curled up around him. He did not go back to sleep though. He just laid there and looked at him. Cas' eyes were fluttering closed in front of him as he slowly fell back to sleep. Dean thought about getting up, but he was content. He wanted to lay here like this all day. Twenty minutes in and he heard the quiet rumble of his phone vibrating on the nightstand behind him. He rolled over and plucked it up. It was Donna.

You up?

He texted back.

Am now. What's up?

Everyone's still asleep. Bunch of lazy asses. I need coffee.

Dean laughed at her and then remembered that Cas was trying to sleep. He got up and pulled on warmer clothes. He texted her back.

Meet me outside. Wear a coat.

He pulled out another mug in the kitchen and filled it with coffee for her. He remembered that she was a fan of cream and sugar, so he dosed it up for her. He threw on a coat and carried the mugs of coffee out. He shuffled about at the stairway to the front porch waiting for her to emerge. "Hey there." He handed her the coffee as she stepped down to him.

"You are a god among men, Dean Winchester." She gulped down the coffee. She was bundled up in her police issue jacket. She also wore her gloves and a brown knit cap pulled down over her ears. "It gets mighty cold here."

Dean watched the little puffs of steam coming from her mouth as she spoke and responded, "Yeah, it is going to take some getting use to." They walked together a bit out toward the dock. "You want to share a little about your findings? I know that you said to wait 'til after the holiday, but we might not get enough time with just the two of us to really talk."

"You might be right there. Well, Brady is a real piece of work. I think that he is more tied up in this than we thought before. Like, I think that he is maybe very directly tied to it all." She stood at his side and stared out over the water while she held her mug under her chin.

"I had a feeling. Crowley made it seem like that was the direction that I should be looking. Tell me about the specifics. What did you ask him?"

"Well, I started with the fuzzy bunny questions. He was fine with those. I asked about the merger and whether or not he had been named the new CEO yet? He seemed to think that it was only a matter of time. I asked if he thought that Crowley would be a real contender for that position and he said that he couldn't see the board picking him. I kept going along with his favorite subject, himself and power, until I had exhausted that avenue. I told him that I had worked with you for a bit before you had moved out of state. He seemed to perk up when he heard that. It seemed like he really wanted to know more about the situation. I decided to make some subtle references to Cas then. I said that you wanted a fresh start after having broken up with your boyfriend, some hotshot lawyer or something." Donna stopped and sipped on her coffee.

"Did he seem interested in that tidbit? I have worried about whether or not he wanted to pursue Cas and Lil."

"He was interested. He even said, 'Oh, that would be Cas Novak. He was my lawyer before he moved. He then tried to be all subtle. He asked if I had heard anything about where Cas had gone off to. I told him that I thought that he had moved to Florida or something like that."

"Yeah, you said that last night. How did he respond to that?"

Donna took another sip of the coffee and then replied, "It was odd. He pulled out his phone and texted something. I believe that he was noting what I had said about Florida, but I can't be certain."

Dean looked worried again, just like he had the night before. "We have to be very careful. I don't want them to know that he is here. I'm already thinking that the visits might have been a mistake."

"We were careful, Dean. We met out at Bobby's first. No one followed us. Plus, if they really wanted to find them, there is still that video of him singing that they could maybe trace. They haven't managed that yet, so..." Donna sounded confident and Dean felt a little reassured. She was a careful officer, and he did trust her. It was just a matter of him thinking about how easy it had been for them to fall into harm's way before. It could easily happen again. He glanced around the property, thinking about the safety of the place.  _What can I do to add to the safety here?_

"What did you learn about A and Al?"

"He did not like the question that I asked about them."

"What did you ask?"

"I asked if he hired them to work for Stiel when he first became CEO, or did he hire them later. I mostly wanted to see his reaction to being asked about when he hired them without any assumption being made about someone else being responsible for the hiring. He tried to make it seem like they did not work for Stiel. Weird. I mean, we know that they worked for him. I don't get why he would lie now."

"It is what he does. I think he doesn't know any other way. And South America? You said that you asked about it?"

"I asked when he had last been to Brazil?

"Oh, Donna. You are a brave one. What did he say?"

"He said that he couldn't recall having been to Brazil. To which I responded with absolute shock, 'but you use to live in Brazil. It's like your country of origin and such.'" She sipped at her coffee. "Then the bastard said with all sincerity, 'I have never been to Brazil'"

"He's been to fuckin' Brazil. Uriel dug up documentation about it. Why's he lying?"

"I know. He started making like he had some pressing thing that he needed to do. He was trying to shuffle me off like a ditchable prom date or something. I got a couple more questions in though."

"Oh, yeah? Do tell."

"Okay, so I started packing up like I was compliant. I ended by asking him what his impressions of Luc Mirov were. I said that it would be interesting to hear what people thought of him. He was the kind of person that seemed sort of important to the early days of the company. He didn't like this line of questioning. He tried to avoid answering. I redirected back. I said that I did not think that Mirov was dead. He said that Mirov was 'most definitely dead.' So, I asked him how he could possibly be so sure. He put his hand on my back, walked me to the door and said, 'I saw him die.'" Donna gulped down the last of her coffee. "That right there was creepy."

"The story that has floated around for years has not included a body or any actual proof that he died. The story is that he likely drowned when his boat sank off the coast of San Diego. They never found him, but they found the boat. It's been long enough now that he has been declared legally dead, but he is alive. There is no way that he is dead."

"I believe you, but why would Brady add this layer to the story? So I figured I should ask about it. So, I asked him how Mirov died. He confirmed that he drowned. I asked why he never reported the story to the police, and he said that he did."

"Hmm. I don't know whether or not to believe him. I mean Mirov is not dead, but I don't know whether or not to believe that Brady was there. It is possible that he believes that Mirov is dead."

"It gets better, Dean."

"How?"

"So, I left there, more like gently escorted out, and did some digging. He did report Mirov's death. He was the only witness. The officer that wrote the report was Jorge. This was back when he was a young pup. I thought about asking him about it, but, the more I thought about it, the more I felt like this was something that maybe he should have mentioned. Anyway, keep that in your craw, and let me know if you make anything of it. Lastly, I may have left a little present in Brady's office. Now it won't afford me any legally useful information, but I figured, oh well."

"What did you do?"

"Oh, I bugged his office."

"Shit. Where have you been my whole life, Donna."

"I know. I'm awesome. Anyway, got some interesting audio."

"He spoke in Portuguese and said something along the lines of 'guess it's time to find them.' It was a rough translation mind you, but that was the gist of it." Donna looked out over the water. Dean, though, leveled his gaze at her.

"How could you not think that Cas and Lil are in danger? He obviously meant them." Dean started moving back toward the house.  _I'm not letting either of them out of my sights._

"I don't know about that. I thought that he meant A and Al. I figure that he might want to find them and make them disappear in a more permanent fashion. They are loose ends for him." Donna looked doubtful now too. "Dean, I'm sorry. I just didn't read it that way."

"You said that he was even noting where you said Cas was. He cares about that loose end too. He can hunt down A and Al 'til the cows come home for all I care. This, though, this can't happen. I'll kill him before he sets one finger on them."

"Dean, calm down. We don't need to worry them. Let's plan to talk more after dinner tonight. Sam and Jess said that we would be going home tomorrow, so we need to make the most of the time." She raised a calming touch to his back and they made their way back up to the house. Dean did not feel calm though. He instead felt the early bloom of dread.

* * *

He had barely set foot on the porch when he heard the sounds of Lil shrieking from inside the house. "I should go get Cas." Donna nodded past him and Dean turned. Cas had strolled up behind him and looked like he was completely exhausted. "You look beat. Someone mess with your sleep patterns?" Dean threw him a half grin.

"Yes." Cas snaked his arms around Dean's waist and leaned his head into the crook of his shoulder. "If you stand still enough, I'll fall asleep right here."

"Come on Sleeping Beauty; we'll get some coffee in ya. That should wake you up. Well, that and the tiny child. She is already loudly awake." Dean kissed his head and pulled him along into the house.

"Dad! Check out the presents." Lil was hopping around at the edge of the room. "We got so much stuff!"

Cas turned to her and scooped her up, carrying her over to the tree. "It looks like quite a haul. We might need to get a bigger house." She kissed his cheek and he set her down.

Jess and Sam were already in the kitchen. "We decided that we should throw together breakfast. Hope you don't feel like we are taking over too much." Sam had a spatula in one hand and a pan in the other.

"I don't know if this is wise. I think that Sam might add kale to whatever good food you had planned for breakfast." Dean walked over and investigated the countertop for evidence of culinary cruelties.

"I promise, no kale. Just good old fashioned eggs and leftover ham." Sam started cracking the eggs into a bowl and Jess was cutting up the ham into smaller pieces.

"I'll make sure that he doesn't poison you with anything too healthy, Dean." Jess offered.

Dean smiled at her and accepted her promise. He rounded the counter though and pulled out some coffee mugs. He noticed that they hadn't started the coffee. He turned and gave Sam a little scowl.

"Oh, sorry."

"No, big." Dean set it up and turned to watch his people while it brewed. Cas was sitting with Lil by the tree, sorting through the gifts. She was telling him what she suspected was in each of her presents. Donna was comfortably seated off to the side, reading through a file that she had pulled from her room.  _Bet it's from the case._  He looked at Sam and Jess, backs to him, and felt so glad that he had all of this. He stepped forward and wrapped an arm around them both. "I love you both." They turned to him a little startled.

"Wow, that's a first." Sam laughed a little.

Jess leaned up though and kissed Dean on the cheek. "What brought that on?"

"I've come to realize that sometimes you need to make it clear, to those that matter, just how much they matter. I've spent a fair amount of time not doing that. I'm making up for lost time." Dean looked to each of them and smiled. "You might say, I feel a little blessed right now." He was doing his best to drive away the thoughts that had filled his mind since speaking with Donna. This moment though was born from that conversation, a little. He felt as though the conversation had served as a reminder of just how easily one could lose it all, and how easily life could take you from safety and from the ones that you love.

* * *

They had eaten and opened some of the presents around the living room. Garth had shown up with a few packages too. They were all for Lil. He sat perched up on one of the kitchen stools looking like an owl surveying his hunting grounds. Dean walked over to him and threw an arm over his shoulder. "We should talk about some stuff later when you have a few moments to spare."

"Is this going to be the you're fired speech that has been a long time coming?" Garth laughed at him a little.

"No, exactly the opposite. Donna has a lot of information that I need to bounce off of you. I also need to do some things around here to beef up security, I think. Figured you could help me with that."

"You got it, Dean. Anytime." Garth nodded at him and Dean wandered back over toward Cas, who was sitting by the tree.

Sam caught his arm though. Everyone was talking to each other a bit. Lil was showing Donna one of her new toys from Sam and Jess. It was a fairy house from the Tinkerbell toyline. It had way too many wire ties holding it in the box and Donna was helping her remove them. Jess was chatting with Cas about something in hushed tones. "Do you think that we should try to bring the piano in now?"

"Shit, Sam. Where would we put it? I'm starting to think that it was maybe a bad idea."

"Nah,we can totally fit it in the corner over there."

"Seriously, in front of the front door. Guess no one will need to leave ever." Dean laughed at Sam's irritated expression.

"Well, you could try suggesting something instead of just poking holes in the plans." Sam whispered back.

"Okay, we'll put it there for right now, but I think that we'll have to move it in further. You and Jess won't be able to sleep on the pull-out."

"Fine. We'll figure that out later. It's only one night anyway." So the two of them slipped out. Dean caught Cas' eye as he was stepping out and gave him a little wink and a nod.

They had stored the piano in a makeshift car port that stood at the back of the property. It was not a sealed up garage, and Cas could have seen everything if he had managed to venture out to the back of the house. He hadn't, so it would still be a surprise. It was not a massive piano,  _Thank god,_ Dean had thought. Since it was a regular sized upright piano, the two of them could move it pretty easily. It was still heavy and awkward though. He moved to grab one side of it, while Sam grabbed the other. "The door to the house is going to be the hard part." Dean said while letting out a small grunt as he lifted a little.

"Well, at least it isn't like a baby grand or anything. I mean, how would we even deal with that?" Sam huffed out a strained breath with the words as he lifted his end and jostled it into place. Dean followed the move too and together they carried it out to the house. Sam looked across at Dean with an impish grin. "Looks like you are really struggling over there. Should I maybe call out Garth to help?"

"Bitch."

"Jerk." Sam laughed a little, but not a lot. The piano was actually rather heavy. "It must be hard trying to do a young man's job when you have an old man's body."

"Wow, Sam. Did you miss the gun show."

"Oh, god. You didn't really just go there. No, and no."

"I'm just saying. I'm holding up my end just fine. You look like you might be straining a bit there. You want me to call out Jess to help you. I think that maybe you might hurt yourself if you keep trying to lift beyond your abilities." Dean started rocking the piano a little as he walked.

"Uh, don't do that. We could drop it." Sam showed some irritation in his tone.

"Speak for yourself. I'm not going to drop it." They rounded the side of the house and had to decide who was going to take the steps backwards. "You or me?"

"You since you were being an ass." Sam directed his end of the piano around so that Dean's back was to the steps and the front door. They got up the steps and Jess opened the door. The others were standing just behind her, completely in the way as they angled for a view of what was happening.

"What in the world did you two do?" Cas' voice was coming from behind Dean. Thankfully they all moved out of the way as they tried to adjust their hands on the piano as it was being moved through the door. It was an incredibly tight fit, but they seemed to be making progress. Dean could not see where he was going and was taking baby steps back into the room.

They set it down in the walkway, completely in the way of the door. They both needed a break though, so this was the spot. "So, Cas. What do you think?" Sam asked as he took a step back.

It wasn't Cas that responded right away though. It was Lil. She pushed past everyone and they each took a step back as she came to a stop in front of the keys. She just stood there, staring down at them. She raised her small hands over the keys and hovered there. "This is my mom's piano." She said it almost like a question, all hushed as she stared down at it all.

Dean stepped over to her and so did Cas. Dean reached up and placed a hand on her shoulder. Cas mirrored the move on the other side. She did not look at them. She just kept looking at the piano. Dean said, "You know, you can touch it right?"

"My mom was the last one to play it." She was waving her hands over the keys in a way that almost looked like she was playing without actually touching anything.

"Would you like to play a song for us?" Cas asked as he leaned down to her ear. She looked to him then back to the keys.

"I can't play like her. I don't think that I should."

"I think that she would like it if you did. I think that she would be honored." Dean said into her other ear. "Go ahead, munchkin. Give it a try. Your dad and I are right here.

She pushed the C key lightly and left her finger there, holding it down. Cas moved his hands up to the keys next to her and started to play Dela's part of "Chopsticks" like from the recital. He played it lightly and and seemed to wait for her to enter with her part. She glanced sidelong at him and then started to play her part. They played through the whole medley together and then came to the end just to begin again with more vigor. Lil began smiling the second time through. The speed of the piece seemed to create a joyous atmosphere. This time when they got to the end, Lil finished with a flourish and Cas complimented it with a happy little sign off. They pulled their hands from the keys and everyone applauded. Garth let out a wolf whistle, and Dean wrapped them both up in a bear hug. "That was great." He added with sincerity. When he released them, Cas and Lil gave each other high fives.

"So, I take it that you both approve of the piano?" Sam questioned.

"It's funny how one can miss something without even realizing just how much they were missing it." Cas looked over to Dean then and added, "It's perfect, Sam. Thank you." Lil turned to Sam and hugged him too. Next, she hugged Jess.

Dean stood there taking it all in. Cas' glow, like he was the embodiment of starlight, his deep blue eyes that made Dean feel warm and free--all of it was just what Dean had dreamed about, tormented himself about over the past year. He wondered if he had ever really dreamed of anything more important. Every time this past year that he had felt like the darkness was winning, like he would never get through, he closed his eyes and dreamed of Cas. His voice still sang out in his mind, a timeless melody, all comfort and love. It was home, Cas was home, Lil was home, this place, this life were home. He wanted to wrap them both up in his arms and just hold them. He worried that he would not be able to hold them enough.

* * *

The afternoon came upon them gradually. Periodically, they would stop and open another present. Dean remembered how it had been when he had been a kid with Sam. They had gotten up early only to tear through every blessed present as fast as possible. He was surprised by how dignified everything was at Cas' place. Even Lil was calm. He suspected that the piano had sent her child's mind to thinking. He made a point of paying attention to her more throughout the day. Every now and then he would scoop her up into a hug, fly her around the room, or just sit next to her.

Cas seemed to be doing the same with him, minus the flying around the room part. Dean smiled at the thought. Cas was sitting next to him right now, brushing his fingers along the back of his neck. He was leaning into him and listening to Garth telling a story. Dean was only half listening. He was trying to figure out how to get a moment with Sam. He had to tell him about Adam. Thankfully, Cas was kind of psychic. "Did you bring the piano bench too?" Cas asked Sam when Garth's story was done.

"Yeah, it is in the car port where we stored the piano. I can go get it." Sam got up and headed out to retrieve it. Then Cas turned to Dean and said, "You should go help him and I'll catch everyone in here up on the latest family saga."

Dean pressed a kiss into his head and said, "Thanks." He got up then and stalked out. Sam was already at the car port lifting the bench. "Hey, there."

"Hey yourself. Did you think that I would need help or something?" Sam laughed as he hefted the bench up and started walking back to the house. Dean fell into step beside him.

"No, I needed to talk with you. It's important." Sam came to a quick halt as they rounded the corner of the house.

Sam turned to Dean and said, "What is it?" He set the bench down near the front of the house.

"Come sit with me." He lead Sam over to the outdoor table that they had all sat at during Thanksgiving. Sam sat across from him, looking worried.

"You look worried. You're making me nervous. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I just learned some stuff yesterday that you need to know. It's big, so brace yourself."

"I'm braced. Spill."

"We have another brother." Dean watched as Sam's face turned from nervous to confused all in a blink.

"Huh? Explain." Sam's single word sentences told Dean that Sam was rather shocked. He had never been a man of few words. He was all about the talking.

"So, you remember how I told you that Missouri had hired me to work out here?" Dean watched Sam grow fidgety.

"Yeah."

"Well, she had been a friend to mom and dad, back in the day. After mom died and dad went around investigating her murder, apparently, the two of them hooked up. Sounds like maybe they hooked up a couple of times. Dad never knew that Missouri got pregnant. She cut him out of her life because he was getting to be a bit of a drunk."

"How...I...What the hell?" Sam stammered out a full sentence finally.

"Yeah, I know. The guy seems nice. His name is Adam. He looks like a kid. He can't be much more than 18, maybe 19 on the outside."

"Adam? Shit, Dean. I'm an older brother?"

"Looks like it. I invited them over later for dinner. I think that you need to meet him." He turned then and looked up at the house. "I told Cas to tell the others the story so that everyone would be on the same page. I just thought that we should talk kind of separate from the others."

"What does this mean, Dean? I mean, how much do they want to know us or not know us? Did they say?"

"Well, Missouri was cool with knowing us as much as we want. She hired me after all. Adam seemed a little cagey. I think that he wants to know us and a bit about dad, but I also think that it might be really weird for him. We need to tread lightly. I also don't know how much to share about dad, ya know. It wasn't like it was all rainbows and unicorns with him."

"That's a whole lot of truth. Maybe we just do the best we can in the moment. I mean, it should be okay." Sam shifted about a little. "So, uh, not to change the subject, but did Donna catch you up on things?"

"A bit. I am starting to have a hard time keeping it straight."

"Yeah, me too, but get this, I was thinking that maybe we have lost some important focus. What if we look at the beginning of it all, ya know. Like maybe we need to just look at where it all began with mom."

"Okay. I feel like you have a particular path that you want me on here. Lead the way." Dean leveled his gaze on him, giving him all of his attention.

"I think that Mirov went a little off because Brady kinda pushed him there. I think that Brady made the call about how Mirov was treated at the end of his time with Niveus. I think that it was odd that he was with him at the end, according to Donna. I also think that it was odd that he is now living near the town that gave us Al and A, and it maybe gave us Brady too. I think that this is not that small of a world."

"I think that you are right, but I don't see the last bit of explanation in all of this. There is something that just gels it all, and I am not seeing it." The screen door opened a little and Cas came out.

"Dean, Missouri is on the phone." Cas held out the house phone and Dean took it.

"Hey, Missouri." Dean said as he pressed the phone to his ear.

"So, is now a good time for us to show up?"

"Yeah, you two should totally show up. We're just hanging out."

"Have you told Sam yet?"

"Just told him. He seems to be handling it quite well." Dean looked over at Sam who smiled back.

"Well, then Adam and I are going to be over in a couple." Dean hung up and handed the phone back to Cas. Sam stood up to go back in the house along with Dean. Dean felt like things had become awkward. He worried over the dinner tonight and how things would feel with another brother in the mix.  _As if our lives aren't complicated enough already._

Cas' arm wrapped around him as they walked to the porch. "You all right?"

"Yeah, I just feel weird is all. I'm hoping that passes." Dean leaned into Cas as they walked the few paces to the house. Sam had already gone in.

"I'm right here with you. Let me know if you need me to help."

"Thanks, Cas. I hope I don't say anything stupid. Since you've experienced a fair share of dumbass Dean comments, can you try to redirect me if I go down a stupid path?"

"It would be my pleasure." Cas pulled him into a smiling kiss.

"You seem quite pleased with this little task that I have given to you."

"Oh, I think that I will be good at redirection." Cas slipped away from him and gave him a sharp slap on his ass. Dean jumped then lunged up at him, scooping him into a hug.

"Just so you know, that would not be appropriate, but I love you anyway." He kissed him quickly and fully before pulling away and dragging Cas into the house.


	35. Nocturne, Cas

Days slipped by and nights too. Cas laid awake, Dean at his back, arms and legs tangled around him. It had not taken long for this to become their habit. Dean would stay later and later, until it was just whole nights. The trailer became more of a de facto office space for Dean. He would occasionally go out there to read or pour through case files, but mostly he was in their home with Cas and Lil. This was how Cas wanted it to be. It felt perfect, mostly.

It had been over a month. The house was theirs again, now that their company had returned to their homes. Lil was back in school. They had routines. They even had regular meet-ups with Missouri and Adam. Dean was making an effort to bond with his brother. Cas admired the way that it had been going from Dean's end. It bothered him a little, though, that all of Dean's stories about John were so positive. It seemed like too much sugar coating of the past, and Cas could see something in that that Dean did not see. He saw the way that Adam would look during the stories. He looked sad, like he had been deprived of some great thing. Occasionally, he would look at his mom, with a thin veil of accusation coursing beneath his visage.

"You have to tell him the dark stuff too. You are making your dad sound like a saint, and he was far from sainthood." Cas huffed out as they crawled into bed. It would have been difficult enough to have had this conversation as it was, but Dean had been worrying over some things with Donna too.

"I can't go down that road with him yet. He doesn't need that side of dad." Dean curled up around him, and Cas hugged Dean's arms to his chest.

"I think that if you don't tell him the truth, that he will come to hate Missouri for keeping him and John apart. You haven't seen the looks that he has been shooting her way during the stories. I'm just saying pepper some of the stories with some realism. You may not want to speak ill of the dead, but Missouri is suffering because of it; I guarantee you that."

Dean shifted about behind him and pushed his face into the crook of Cas' neck. "I know." He nuzzled in further, and Cas felt Dean's leg drift over to wrap him in an inescapable tangle. Cas smiled a little at the move. It was classic Dean. Even in sleep, he was determined to protect him. It had been a long day, and Cas assumed that the  _I know_  would be the end of it. Then Dean spoke again. "I'm worried about Donna."

"I know." Cas rubbed little circles into Dean's arm and held him.

"I'm worried that she is going to confront him alone, and that it will go badly. She said that she doesn't know who to trust in the department, so I don't know what to do." Dean and Cas had had this conversation before. There had been a little worry underlying most of what they had discussed concerning their friends in the city.

"She's smart, and she's not alone. Uriel has been watching her back." He knew that this was not enough for Dean. He knew that Dean felt like protecting was his task, and that it was not enough to hand it off to someone else. He had explained this before, using Garth as an example.

"I need to go there." Dean finally said it, and Cas could not say that he was surprised. He had hoped that Dean would get over the need. He had hoped that he would be able to fall into the daily routine with him and with Lil, thus ending the pull back to the case, back to the city. "It would just be for a weekend."

"Please don't." Cas had thought about just letting him do what he needed to do, but the thought of him drifting back there filled him with a small portion of dread.

"Cas." It sounded like begging.

"I don't want you to go, but I won't stop you." It sounded like irritation. He tightened his grip on Dean's arms in front of him. Perhaps if he held him tighter he could will him into staying.  _Maybe I am being unreasonable._  He felt Dean press a kiss into his neck.

"I won't go if you tell me to stay." Dean's words were a quiet ghost on his ear.

"I won't tell you to stay and have you resent me for it."

"I wouldn't resent you."

Cas felt like that was all the permission he needed. "I want you to stay. I don't want you to be in danger. You tend to find danger, and I want to keep you here where you are safe. How would you feel if it were me saying that I was going to head off to confront someone about their maybe involvement in a murder? You'd go crazy over it."

Dean's breath was warm on his neck as he spoke. It tickled a little and pulled Cas back from his irritation. "I do this sort of thing for a living. It's different for me to do this. Plus, Donna's my responsibility. I pulled her into this."

"Please don't go there." Cas turned in Dean's arms a little and faced him. They laid like that for a few moments and just looked at each other.

Dean finally spoke. It was low but clear. "Okay. I won't go."

Cas felt like he had not truly won. He wrapped his arms around Dean tighter and said, "Thank you." Dean just hummed into his head in response. Cas rolled back to face the window and Dean held him while they drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Late in the night, Cas woke to the sound of scratching at the bedroom window. The tree that hovered over the cabin was blowing about in the night. There was a low lying branch that needed to be dealt with. It was moving about, scraping at the side of the house and also the window. The moonlight outside sent shadows of it into the room. Cas watched it for a time as the shadows clawed away at the room. The scratching and the corresponding howl of the wind were adding to his uneasy feelings. He worried that he had made a mistake where Dean was concerned.  _I should let him do what he needs to do._  He thought this again. Dean's warmth at his back though reminded him of what would be lost, what could be lost if anything went wrong.

Uriel and Donna had determined that Jorge knew some things. He was perhaps, not too involved, but he certainly knew things about the case. He filed paperwork for Brady and never bothered mentioning it. Cas worried that he had been more involved than Dean wanted to believe. Dean had known Jorge for too many years, and time was clouding his judgement, or at least that was how Cas was seeing it.

The wind picked up again and Dean shifted a little behind him. Cas gently extricated himself from Dean's grasp and wandered over to the window. The distant lake glistened in the moonlight. The shadows from the trees around it though, gave off an eerie vibe. Cas felt like a dark fog was holding them. He shivered at the window. He walked out of the room to check on Lil. He wasn't sure why, but sometimes he just needed to see her, get confirmation that she was okay. He slipped into her room and gazed on her sleeping form. The slight rise and fall of her chest relaxed him.

He made his way to her window and looked out their next. It had snowed a bit over the last month. The landscape outside of her window was a testament to that. There were also the streams of cars that flowed into the town each weekend. Cars and vans with roof racks full of ski gear made their way through to more resort-like towns. They were not so far from some exceptional ski resorts, so most did not stop for long in their little town.

It was not snowing at present, but it had snowed a little earlier. Around the cabin it was fluffy and and crisply white. Farther off, he could see little divots in the snow, right at the tree line. He let his gaze slide up the trees to the grand expanse of branches. Oftentimes, the branches would hold large globs of snow that would eventually grow too huge, only to fall in loud thunks around the trees. The divots in the snow though, looked different, like a trail of footsteps paced out along the tree line. He followed them and thought that they looked like a trail heading around past the other side of the house.

He left Lil's room and put on his coat that was hanging in the entryway. He had a pair of boots stationed at the door that he put on next. Near the door was a waist high table that might be dubbed the catch-all table. It had a drawer full of junk and some flashlights. It also served as a repository for keys and phones, as well as, any other thing that one needed to off load upon entering the house. He opened the drawer and pulled out a flashlight. He flicked it on and gave it a little wack to turn it on. He stepped from the house into the cold winter's night and aimed the light ahead of himself.

Cas did not expect to find anything of interest, but it would bother him more to return to sleep with his imagination filling in the gaps. It was likely just animal tracks or a pattern of dropped snow globs from the trees. The soothing sound of crunching snow beneath his feet seemed to echo out around him. He kept walking, squewelch, squewelch, squewelch. His sweat pants were not ideal for the trek that he was making. He drew closer to the trail of prints and came to a stop. The wind howled again through the trees. A large chunk of snow fell with a loud thud deeper in the forest. Cas moved the light beam into the woods to see if there was anything there. He panned it up the trees near him to see if there were any snow piles that might fall on him if he stood too close.

He thought that the trees looked pretty safe. He sent the light along the trail of prints. His body gave an involuntary shudder. They appeared to be evenly spaced, and they appeared to be footsteps. He traced their path with the beam. It wrapped around the far structure that was a type of carport. It had been where Dean and Sam had stored the piano. Cas walked toward it.  _I should go get Dean._  He kept walking toward the structure. The wind picked up more. The trees rustled loudly at his side. Cas kept walking. He got to the carport and saw that the trail of footprints turned away from the house and moved off into the woods.

The distant scent of wood burning wafted past him. Everyone was running a fire tonight given the cold. The scent, though, reminded him of a different fire, one that nearly took everyone that he held dear. He thought, so briefly, of following the trail into the woods, just to see where it ended. He knew that it would bother him not to know. Then he heard the sound, squewelch, squewelch, squewelch behind him. He spun around, heart pounding in his chest, a dark figure was moving toward him from the house. "What the hell are you doing out here, Cas?"

He let out a breath of relief. "Sorry Dean. I just saw something that bothered me out Lil's window, and I needed to check on it." Dean came up to his side then. Cas shined the flashlight on the trail. Dean followed the beam.

"Where does it go?" Dean was only wearing a tee shirt and sweats. He had apparently rushed out without a coat.

"I don't know. Hey…" Cas reached up to his arm, rubbing warmth into him, "I'm sorry that I worried you."

"No big. I just woke up and you weren't there. It was eerie. Next time I'll grab a jacket." Dean moved up the trail into the woods a little. Cas aimed the light out ahead of him. The trees were thick though, just a few yards in, and the snow did not penetrate the forest so well in there. Thus, the trail disappeared not too far in. Dean came back to him. "Maybe it was a jogger. The trail ends up by the spot where the path would have been."

They moved back to the house together. Cas slipped his arm around Dean to keep him warm. "Guess I overreacted."

"I'll follow it out farther in the morning. Better safe than sorry." They mounted the steps to the house and Dean added, "Next time wake me up though. You shouldn't go wandering off into the night alone."

"Sure thing mother." Cas slipped away from him once they were inside and took off his coat and boots.

"I mean it, Cas. We can't be too careful. Wasn't that what you were just telling me earlier, when you said that I shouldn't go back to the city?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. Next time, I'll wake you up." He followed Dean back to the bedroom, took off his snow soaked sweats, and crawled in behind him this time. Dean was quite frozen. Cas tried to rub warmth back into him. They fell asleep eventually, but even in sleep, Cas could not stop thinking of what might be lurking in the dark.

* * *

The next morning Dean drove Lil to school and Cas chose to spend the day at home, putting the finishing touches on the Christmas photo album. Dean had told him that he would be back around lunch time and that he would like to talk more about going to the city. Cas had shrugged it off mostly.

Cas spread out the photos across the coffee table and pulled out the ones of Sam and Dean with Missouri and Adam. He wanted to put together something nice for each of them to have that showed them all together. He considered each photo and thought about which one would be the best to have enlarged. He plucked up one of the four of them in front of the tree with their arms draped around each other. They were smiling and happy. He remembered the night and how Dean had given Adam a gold necklace that had belonged to his dad. It had a Saint Christopher medallion hanging from it. They laughed about it a little, and Dean had said, "Yeah, it's a little dated, but it was his, and you should have something that belonged to him."

Adam had put it on immediately. "Thank you Dean." He had said. Sam had been feeling clearly awkward with the whole situation. He had tried to initiate conversations about school and Adam's long term plans. Adam apparently was happy going to the local community college, while his mom was a bit disappointed in his choice. "Seriously, mom, you can't really want to get rid of me that bad." He had said at one point during the conversation. Cas remembered thinking about how nice it was to see such a close bond between a parent and child. Despite the fact that they seemed to be disagreeing with each other, they still clearly loved and respected each other. He hoped that in later years he would still have that with Lil.

He moved aside some of the other pictures and looked down at a picture of Garth and Lil. Lil stood beside Garth, beaming with her hands clutched in front of her face in a type of prayer posture. Garth was revealing to the group his presents from Lil. He was all smiles in the picture as he held up some of the candy that she had given to him. It would have been enough for it to have just been candy, given their Halloween experience, but no, Lil had to go one step farther. She wrapped each piece of candy individually. Each coke bottle gummy, jelly bean, and chocolate, was wrapped in its own piece of Christmas wrapping paper. Cas imagined her deft little fingers folding down the tiny pieces of paper over the candies and chuckled.

Her present to Dean had been tickets to see Taylor Swift for when she toured closer to home. She also made him a picture that he had promptly hung up in his trailer. It was of the three of them, and it was clear that she was happy in the picture given how big she made the smiles. Cas had obtained the concert tickets when she had asked about them, partly just because he thought that it might be quite funny to take Dean to a Taylor Swift concert, and also because he knew that he would be happy with it. Dean would likely be happy with any activity that involved them spending time together.

Cas pressed the photos into the album and labeled them. He got to one of him opening his present from Dean, a record player with several albums that he loved. He set the photo down and walked over to the record player, that was now set up next to the piano, and put the needle to the record that was sitting on the turntable. It was the Beatles' Blue Album. He set it to play "Hey Jude" but it took a couple of tries to line up the needle just right. The song started playing and he drifted back to the couch. He looked at the pictures of Sam and Jess opening their presents from Dean. They looked at him with love. Sam had looked like he would have cried if he had opened the present alone. The picture showed him holding the framed image of his family pressed to his chest. Cas felt a warmth for them spread through him. They were his family now too.

The day passed with Cas cleaning and sorting a few items. The record finished playing eventually, and in no time at all, Dean was pulling back up to the front of the house. There was the sound of the car door creaking open and then the slam of it shutting. A few footsteps crunching along and then the grind of the screen door being opened. "Hey there." Dean strolled in.

Cas still felt the flutters of affection swirling about in his stomach each and every time they had these little reunions. "Hey yourself. Is it lunch time already? Where did my day go?" He was back to sitting on the sofa again, looking through the photos.

Dean came over and wedged himself into the remaining chunk of the couch next to Cas. "Missed you." He leaned in and kissed Cas, reaching around his back and pulling him in.

"Hmm." Cas broke the kiss first. "You haven't been gone that long." Dean leaned into him again and tipped him back on the couch. His uniform had too many sharp parts. Cas shifted a bit to get comfortable.

"Long enough." Dean stared down at him, a grin splashed across his face. Then his face grew serious. "We need to talk about me going to help Donna."

"I thought that we decided already, that you would stay here." Cas shifted away from him.

"I know. And I will go along with whatever you want, but I want to convince you that this is okay. I could have Garth here to be an extra set of eyes, and I would be gone, at most, two days. I could even make it one day, if it would make you feel better."

"I find it a little too scary, Dean. The whole thing."

"I know, but it is sort of like you last night. You saw something that seemed wrong to you, and you just had to go look at it. You know what I mean?" Cas thought about Dean's words for a few moments and then nodded. "I need to see the look in his eyes, Cas. I need to see him when I ask him about the case. I just can't believe that he would have anything to do with Brady or either of those bastards. I just have to know. It is eating away at me."

"Then you should go, but promise me that you'll be quick. Promise me that you will be careful." Cas felt a little defeated. He understood why Dean needed to do this, but it still felt too risky.

"I won't go right away, but I will need to get there in the next month. I talked with Donna this morning and she said that she is working out some things first." Dean got up then and headed into the kitchen. "You want a sandwich?" He rummaged in the fridge, pulling out ingredients.

Sure." Cas got up then and wandered into the kitchen. He leaned into the counter, thumbs looped through the belt loops of his pants. "I'm worried about you going there." Dean stopped rummaging through the fridge and let the door close. He wrapped his arms around Cas then and pressed a kiss into his hair. He looked down at him.

"I know. Your opinion on this matters. I promise to be careful. I've come a long way this past year. Nothing is more important than family, and you and Lil are my family. Sam and Jess too."

"And Adam. Don't forget Adam." Cas was smiling at him now.

"Of course not. I apparently have family coming out of my ears now. Anyway, like I was saying, you and Lil are my family and I have chosen to put you first. So, if you change your mind, and you just can't handle me going, you only need to say the word. I'll try to change your mind, but, I'll respect your wishes." Dean released him then and went back to making lunch for them.

Cas pulled out a couple of plates to put the finished products on and then moved over to the table to sit and wait.

"Hmm. I'm willing to listen, but I don't see myself feeling any better about this situation." Dean finished making the sandwiches and then carried them over to the table. He plunked one plate down in front of Cas and the other in front of his seat across the table. "Do you think that we should tell Missouri the story? I mean, she knows a fair amount of it from back in the day. John shared a bunch with her, and she said that she has some of his stuff stowed away here."

"Yeah, I went through some of the boxes and nothing there was all that helpful. She brought up some stuff one day when we were at lunch. She said that my dad was planning to take a trip to South America. I didn't tell her what I knew, but that would put dad like so many years ahead of me on this investigation. Sometimes it feels like the more time passes, the more muddy everything gets. It's part of why I want to address the Jorge thing right away."

"I still don't like it. If you are there, then someone can trace you back to here, and Brady will note your presence. He must have a clue about how much you know. He is much more of a player in all of this than we ever suspected. We need to be very careful." Cas picked at his sandwich a little then, and Dean set his down.

"I'm going to avoid running into him, so you shouldn't have to worry about Brady. Does that make you feel a little better?"

"Not really."

"Well, I promise to be careful regardless." They ate then in silence and Cas threw little glances across the table at Dean occasionally. He did not want Dean to go. He did not think that the reasons to go were good enough. So, he decided pretty firmly, while they sat together, that the decision would maybe need to be reversed. He just wanted Dean to want the same thing. It always seemed to come down to that in the end. They each had such vastly different ideas about how best to take care of each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, sorry about the longer wait this time. I hope to find time to get more writing accomplished, but life will likely continue to get in the way a bit. Lots of love to you all. Thanks for your continued support. I'll try to get another chapter on here sooner rather than later, but I don't have a set day in mind for when that will be. It might take me a week.


	36. Nocturne, Dean

The house was quiet in the night. A few weeks had passed since he and Cas had really talked about his plans. Cas accepted it, but he did not accept it. He was quiet about the whole thing. Dean pulled the laptop to him and logged onto the proxy server. He and Sam had a planned chat to get to before Dean could sleep. Cas wandered out of the bedroom and into the kitchen, robe dangling loosely from his shoulders. "When you coming to bed?" He pulled open the fridge and leaned on the door looking in.

"Don't know. Gotta chat with Sam about the papers here before the trip, make sure I have all my ducks in a row. I'd tell you more, but you look like you're sleepwalking. Plus, that is no way to get a tan." Dean waved his hand at Cas who was still leaning into the fridge.

He let the door close and came over to the table. There was a bowl of fruit on the table. He fiddled with the selection and then picked out a golden apple. "I'm not even hungry, but I'm tired. I can't seem to sleep though." He munched away on the first bite of the apple noisily.

"I hear ya. Sorry about messing up your sleep. I just have to get this done."

"Well, you might as well let me help. I have some skills even when I'm sleep deprived." Cas took another loud bite and Dean twisted the laptop so that they were both in the frame. He started the video chat. Sam's face was too close to the screen.

"Oh, sorry 'bout that. I was grabbing some papers. Oh, hey, Cas. Didn't expect to see you."

"Hey, Sam. Dean's letting me help, since I have insomnia. Keep me entertained." He smiled past another bite of his apple.

"Will do. So, here's what Uriel and I have determined." Sam looked away for a moment and added, "You aren't going to like this."

"Stop with the melodrama and spill," Dean interrupted.

"We have no usable evidence. Literally." Sam looked as miserable as his words.

"What do you mean  _no usable evidence?_ We have documentation of his connections to Mirov. We have him admitting to acts of violence. You heard the audio that Donna got. It may be circumstantial, but he is connected to the killings of both our mom and M. All of it together makes a damnable case against Brady."

"Dean, stop." Sam raised his voice a little and Cas reached over and rested a hand on his arm. Dean stopped and stared at him through the screen. "You aren't hearing me. I didn't say that there was no evidence. I said that none of it was usable. Everything that we have, and I do mean everything with the exception of M's file, is illegal. You worked the case with a direct conflict of interest and Jorge likely knew about it the whole time. I had access to case files that I should not have had, case files that I illegally passed on to you. I did that. I caused that horror show that happened in that goddamn alley that night, and none of that can even be used. Donna's audio, well, I don't even have to explain how not useful that stuff is. It's all completely inadmissible. Oh, and let's not forget the fact that you are sleeping with Brady's lawyer. Yeah, that is gonna look just peachy in front of the jury." Sam slipped into silence and dropped his head into his hands. "I'm sorry."

"What happened, Sam?" Cas asked quietly.

"Dean and I talked earlier about getting the paperwork together to present to the D.A. Donna wanted to get the ball rolling, but the more Uriel and I tried, the more we failed. I honestly looked at it all from every angle. I don't see how we can make any of this stick." Dean was watching Sam speak, but he was not saying anything. He felt determined to change this, to make Sam see things differently. He also felt the dim gnawing ache of defeat. He shoved the file box off the table and stormed out of the house.

* * *

He walked out to the dock and tried to regain his composure. He stooped down to the gravel and grabbed a handful of the smooth stones. He clopped down the dock to the very edge and began lobbing one rock after the next out as far as he could. He stopped and listened for the splash. He heard the footsteps on the dock behind him. "I need to be alone right now." He knew it was Cas.

"You sure?" Cas wrapped his arms around his waist. "Let me help."

"You can't do a damn thing. None of us can. I'm just so God damn tired of it all. How long does this have to go on for? How long?" He was frustrated and angry. His voice was a shaking mess as he hollered out his questions to the night with Cas at his back.

"I know." Cas wedged his chin up on Dean's shoulder and looked off over the water with him. "But, I think that I can help. I know that I have been avoiding a lot of it. I think, though, that I can provide a solution." He pulled at Dean a little. "Just come in and lay out the evidence for me. Worse case scenario, I fail and we are right back here, where we started."

Dean turned in Cas' arms. "Okay, Cas." It sounded like defeat. He felt pathetic. Cas pulled him along though. They walked back into the house, and Cas began scooping up the mess of papers on the floor. Dean straightened up the table. "Did Sam say anything else?"

"No, I told him that I would call him tomorrow. He was fine with that." Cas pointed at the chair and then took one across from Dean. "Now, here's what I want from you. Go through all of that paperwork and give me the most damning evidence of Brady's crimes, and I want you to do it with a complete disregard for how it was obtained."

"But it's useless." Dean looked at him steadily while he spoke.

"That might just be where you are wrong. Let me work my magic." Cas winked at him and Dean felt confused. "Hop to it." So Dean did as he was told, and it would be many hours before he would sleep. The most frustrating thing, though, was that Cas chose not to explain a single thing.

* * *

Cas was a genius.  _A certified, fucking awesome genius._  Dean had woken up with his face plastered to a pile of paperwork on the dining room table. A dried bit of saliva had formed between himself and the papers.

"I should have woken you up before you started drooling on everything, but you looked kinda cute." Cas reached over and ruffled up his hair.

"Guess we should go to bed." Dean got up and stretched out.

"Uh, don't you want to see what I have done with your evidence?" Cas cocked his head to the side.  _How did he look so awake? He was practically energetic._

"Um, sure. Did you do something with it?" Dean sat back down and Cas scooted closer.

"Here." He slid over the papers with a new sheet attached that read across the top,  _Contacts._

"I don't know what I'm looking at Cas. Enlighten me." Dean pushed it back toward Cas.

"These are media contacts that I have. We are going to anonymously," Cas made air quotes while he said the last word then continued, "share this evidence with one of the journalists on the list. They will eat this up. They have recordings of Brady admitting to crimes. They can say that the audio was given to them by an anonymous source. They don't have to say how it was obtained. Then when the public sees the report and all of the," air quotes again, "useless evidence, they will demand that Brady get prosecuted. And, get this, they can use the evidence from the news broadcast which will now be completely legal. You won't be connected to it and neither will anyone else."

Dean didn't know what to say, so instead he grabbed Cas by the face and pressed a kiss into him. "You God damn genius."

"Bleh." Cas pushed him back. "You can thank me by brushing the stink off, Mr. Morning Breath." Dean laughed at him again, and pulled him back into another kiss. Cas fought him a little, but Lil was the one to really save him.

"Yuck. Boys have cooties. You're going to get cooties in your mouth." She wedged herself between them and hugged Cas.

"Yeah, Dean go clean out your cootie hole." Cas laughed at him.

"I'll clean out your…" Cas popped a hand up over Dean's mouth.

"Stop now. You don't need to finish that stinky sentence." He pointed off to the bathroom and Dean got up and slowly made his way to it.

* * *

Since he had at least gotten a few hours of sleep at the table, he agreed to let Cas sleep while he took Lil to her extra karate practice. Later, Cas had a few sessions to attend to at the Music Depot, so sleep was a tiny necessity. Cas would likely be at work by the time that they got back to the house. Dean could power through. Plus, he was sort of riding a wave of positivity now that Cas had put things into focus. He had done more than just create a plan, he had written out the evidence as an easy to follow narrative. He took all of the items that Uriel had put together and combined them with the evidence obtained by Donna, Sam, and even John and Dean. It was the first time that they had really had it all laid out like this. Once again, Dean felt like Cas was a bit of a genius,  _my genius._

He was startled from his thoughts by the collective noise of the young people lined up in front of the instructor. They were neat little rows of white karate uniforms and smiles. Dean felt pride as he watched Lil's efforts. He watched her joyous kicks and rolls. She was a tiny bullet of energy, not to be discounted in a fight, he thought.

They practiced one maneuver, then the next. Eventually, he paired them up for something that Dean would have called a type of sparring. Lil was paired with a boy, about the same size as her. The goal seemed to be to get the opponent to the ground. First, Lil went down. Dean watched her, though as she re-assessed the situation. She was calculating her next move. Dean leaned forward. The instructor waved his hand for them to begin. Lil dropped low, and spun her leg out into a sweep. The boy dropped back. Dean smiled.  _Good job, kiddo._

When he got her home, he wondered at the way that Cas had handled her upbringing since the move. Clearly, he had decided that she had needed to have self defense skills. He wondered what else he had taught her.

They got out of the Impala and Dean asked, "Lil, did your dad ever talk to you about what to do if you had to hide from someone?" He hoped that the question wasn't too scary. He almost choose to deflect it, make a joke or something, but she responded too quickly.

"Of course." She bopped on ahead of him toward the porch, but did not go in. "You want to see the plan? We practiced it a lot when we first moved here. Not so much anymore, but I still know what to do. We even keep the phone charged and in place every day."

It was like she was speaking a foreign language. "Um, Lil, I don't actually know what you are talking about." She took his hand and pulled him along.

"Come on. I'll show you." She dragged him into her room and showed him the backpack. "This is my backpack. I should have taken it to the dojo with me, but I forgot." She looked nervous for a second then added, "I usually don't forget. Dad always reminds me, but I don't forget. It's just that it was you taking me so I…"

Dean put a hand on her shoulder and said, "Hey, no big. Don't worry about it."

She shifted away from him and picked up the backpack, putting it on the bed. She opened it and nodded down to it, directing Dean's eyes to the interior. "See, I have clothes, snack foods, water, and the phone." She rummaged around in it toward the bottom. "And here…" There was a little compartment at the bottom of the pack. She slipped her hand into it and pulled out a wallet. "More money than I could ever need. Dad said that it was for emergencies." She pushed it all back into place and looked at him.

"So, what did he tell you to do with all of this?" Dean helped her zip it all back up.

She took his hand and pulled him over to the closet. "Well, if someone tries to get into the house, I can leave through the closet. Dad says not to wait for him, that he'll find me." She pointed down at the rug in the closet and then crouched down to lift it. "See?" And Dean did see. There was a trap door to the crawlspace that ran under the house. She lifted it to show him more. He crouched down next to her and looked into the dark space.

"You wouldn't be too scared in there?"

"I wouldn't stay. I would just use the space to get out of the house without the bad people finding me." She looked at him, and Dean felt sad that she had to know about such things. "There are scarier things than this space."

"That there are, kiddo." He stood then, and she closed the trapdoor, replacing the rug over it after. They headed out the front door. Lil was pulling Dean along to the back of the house.

"This is where I come out." She pointed at a little door. It was one of those access panel doors that one often finds leading to crawlspaces under homes. She turned from it then and asked, "You want to see where I'm supposed to go and where we hid stuff?"

Dean nodded and said, "Lead the way munchkin." She pulled him off into the woods.

She began chattering away about the plan. She seemed to be very comfortable with it all. "Dad and I came out here a lot. We talked about not having a straight path. He said that I should move around a lot. He said that I should head for the creek and maybe move along it for a bit, but only if it wasn't too cold out. He said that freezing my toes off was a bad idea. I agree." She laughed and they walked onward into the deeper woods until there was a creek.

"Is this the creek that we won't be walking in?"

"It's not that cold, Dean." She smiled at him and pulled him over to a spot that would be easy to cross. "Dad put that rock there for me." There was a small flat rock in the middle of the creek that would give Lil a place to step as she made her way to the other side. She hopped over to it and then to the other side. She seemed happy, like it was all a game and not something rooted in danger. Dean followed her and took her hand again.

"How far do you intend to go?" They were a ways from the house now and the woods were dark despite the fact that it was only midday.

"Just a little ways more and you can see the rock hill." They continued on and she swung his hand back and forth. "I am glad that you are here now."

He squeezed her hand in acknowledgement. "I'm glad too. I guess that means that you missed me, huh?"

"Yeah. Plus, dad is happier."

"He does seem to be happier." Dean smiled as they walked along.

"So, why are you going to leave us then?" Dean came to a stop as she said this and she turned to look at him.

"I'm not leaving you. I'm going to the city to take care of unfinished business, then I am going to rush back to you both. It'll be a few days, promise."

She looked skeptical. "Then why why does dad seem unhappy about you going?"

"It's complicated, munchkin. Your dad does not think that I should go back to the city because we had all of those hard times there, and I think that I need to go there to make sure that the bad guys that caused it get put away for what they did. I also think that your dad's opinion on me going has changed in the last twenty-four hours. I think that he is okay with it now." He hoped that this oversimplification was enough. She started to walk again.

Ahead there was a large hill that was grassy with large craggily rocks jutting out at odd angles."This is the first hiding place." She dipped down and moved aside a stone. Beneath it was a tupperware container with a knife and a flashlight.

"Why is this here?" Dean leaned down and looked at the container.

"In case I can't carry my pack or if I get here and need them." She replaced the lid and covered the items back up. She stood and pulled Dean along again. "Will you be in danger when you go to the city?"

"No. I will not be alone either. I am being very cautious about everything there." They rounded some trees and a path appeared out of the deep woods.

"Dad says not to take the path. He said that I should hide in places that a kid wouldn't think of." They crossed the path and headed in more, until there was a rise in the ground. It was gradual at first, then it became steep. She began scrabbling up it. Dean struggled to follow her. "You doing okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just old. How 'bout you?"

"I'm good. I'm young." Then she stuck her tongue out at him. They got to a little lip in the hill and she stopped. "If I lay here, people can't see me down below. We checked. Plus, if you look over that way, you can see the creek. I have a good view here." Dean came down to her level and looked out where she pointed. He was impressed.

"So, is this where your dad would come find you?"

"No, I'm supposed to go to the next spot when it seems safe." She moved down the hill ahead of him at a pace that made him nervous. He could picture her tumbling head over heels down the slope. He could picture himself tumbling, and that was equally frightening.  _Don't go breaking a hip, Winchester_. They backtracked a little and moved toward the sound of the creek. Dean could see a cabin up ahead.

"Who lives there?"

"Pamela, my talking doc. Dad told her about things, and she said that I could come visit anytime. So, I would go there and stay until Dad could get to me." They didn't go all the way to the house. They instead turned and headed back to their own home. "Could Donna take care of the bad guys for you?"

Dean was growing accustomed to her shifts in conversation. "She could. I would feel like a bad friend to her though, if I did not help." He was hoping that his language was creating understanding in her.

"Hmm." They walked on as Lil seemed to consider the situation. "I think that you should go for only one day and that you should not talk to any strangers."

"Well, I need to go for a couple of days, and I need to talk with one stranger, so can we have a compromise?"

"Maybe. Is the stranger a good guy or a bad guy?"

"A good guy."

"Well, okay then, but I am not happy about this." She sounded like she was trying to put on an adult tone.

"Anyone ever tell you that you are silly?" He swung her up into his arms and carried her in a half hug as they walked. She hugged him back.

"Just you and dad. Everyone else thinks that I am very serious." He marched on with her in his arms, and she let him. She was serious too. It was unfortunate that she was. He wished more than anything that he could change that, the causes. He set her down when they cleared the tree line and saw their cabin. She took his hand and walked briskly at his side to keep up. They got to the porch and sat on the stoop. "Let's wait for dad. He'll be home soon."

"Okay." Dean still held her hand as they sat there.

"I had one of my dreams the other night." She wasn't looking at him as she made her admission.

"One of your dreams?"

"Yes. I use to get scared at night, but Pamela and dad helped me get better." He watched her out of the corner of his eye. She had her hands clasped in front of her.

"I'm sorry if our little adventure freaked you out." He rested a hand on her shoulder and she looked up at him with confusion.

"It didn't. My dream happened before. I'm not dreaming now." She got up and started kicking rocks across the yard. One of them bounced dangerously close to the Impala. Dean gave her a look that said, watch it kid. "Sorry. Almost got her." She smiled.

"Do you want to tell me about the dream?" She came back over and sat down.

"Maybe." She was fidgety then. "The man with the ugly ponytail was there. He's always in the dreams. No matter who else is there, he will always show up. There will always be stabbing and fire. Those things never change. This time though, he just watched. I thought that he would do more. He didn't though. He just watched. He was everywhere that I was. He was in my school, at the diner, in the woods. In the end he burned my house. Dad was inside and so were you. I thought that he was going to stab me. He didn't though. He let me live, but I was alone, and I had to go live in the woods. I didn't go to Pamela's because I knew that dad wouldn't come and get me. I didn't want to go there either, because then she would likely get killed too. Better to be alone." She stopped talking and got up to kick some rocks again.

Dean got up and pulled her into a hug. "I love you, munchkin. I'm gonna make sure that you are never alone. Your dad and I aren't going anywhere, and the man that did this…" He stopped and got down to her level. He cupped her face in his hands. "The man who did this is going to pay. I won't let him ever hurt you or anyone else again. I promise you." Dean let his thumbs smooth back the flutter of blonde hair that slipped onto her cheeks.

"I love you too, Dean. And I believe you." She pushed her head to his shoulder and he cupped the back of her head, holding her close. When Cas came home, he found them huddled together on the front porch, looking serious. He didn't ask questions, but they walked in together, and Dean shared a little with a glance and a nod. They could talk later.


	37. Cacophony in the Silence, Cas

His dreams were dark the night after Dean had left and darker still after two nights. Dean's side of the bed was empty and cold. Cas had rested his hand there in the divot that made up Dean's pillow dent. Before Dean had left they were together. Cas wanted to be sure that Dean knew what was waiting for him for when he came home. He wanted to be sure that Dean carried this moment with him as he made his way back to the city, to the dark world. Perhaps then, Dean would not be too reckless with his life. Perhaps then, Dean would remember just what his life meant to those that loved him.

Cas believed in Dean. He believed in his abilities as a man, a detective, a lover, and even a type of secondary father figure to Lil. Yes, he had thought about so much concerning their lives, their potential lives. He thought about how nice it would be to know that they could just live, not with something always lurking over their shoulders, but the way that normal people do. He had thought about what it would mean to stop being afraid all of the time. He had thought about what it would mean to Lil too. She was very attached to Dean. He worried about what it would do to her to lose yet another person that she loved. He shook with the thought. He knew that it would be the single worst thing for him next to losing Lil.

It was certain that Dean knew as they had made their way to the bed, quiet and gentle, just how scared Cas was. They didn't speak of it anymore. The time for that had passed. Cas didn't want him to add anymore to his plate of worries. There would be enough to deal with, and this fear could not be helped, not even through sharing. So, Cas set it aside as best he could. He set it aside as Dean slipped his hands under Cas' shirt and slowly slid the shirt up over Cas' head. Cas' legs ran into the mattress behind him. Cas unbuttoned Dean's shirt. Dean thumbed open the button and pulled down the zipper on Cas' pants.

Dean pressed up to Cas' chest now. He let his shirt fall to the floor beside him. Cas stepped out of his pants and underwear. Dean shucked his own off as well. Cas let himself fall back onto the bed. Dean braced his legs on either side of him and crawled up over him. "You okay?" It was the first thing that either of them had said since entering the bedroom. Dean sounded like concern and worry.

"I am. You make me feel like there is just this. It's safe here." He felt like he wasn't explaining well enough, but he raised his hands to Dean's face pulling him down to a kiss that Dean didn't fight.

Dean broke the kiss eventually, his body blanketing Cas. "I will come back to you. You believe me when I say it, don't you?"

There was only one answer that Dean needed, and Cas was prepared to give it to him. "You'll come back to me. No matter what, we always find our way back to each other, and this time will be no different." He ran his hands down Dean's sides to his hips. His body was cold. Cas reached over and pulled the blanket over them both. Dean seemed like he wanted to warm each of them up in other ways. Their bodies began a slow dance of contact that was graceful and distracting.

So, Cas pushed aside the night and the dark to linger in the glow of Dean's skin, illuminated by the moonlight that pressed into the room from outside. They did not speak of their fears anymore. Instead, the words that fell into the night around them were words of desire, moans of contentment, and the incoherent tones of affection huffed out between kisses. "I need you." And Cas hoped that this night would be powerful enough to drive away the nightmares that he felt sure would come once Dean was gone.

* * *

And the nightmares did come. It was so cold on the second night, that Cas had built up the fire early. He had wanted to be sure that he and Lil would be warm enough all night. Unfortunately, he had made the house too hot. It felt like the cabin was full, hot summer. Cas could not sleep fully. His body kept jerking awake with falling dreams and the crash of the ground slapping him into consciousness. His body was all sweat and sticky discomfort. He tossed and turned with it, casting aside the comforter, keeping only the top sheet tangled around him.

Eventually, he slept long enough for his mind to form a narrative. It was familiar. The details were all the bits and pieces that he had poured into the document that Dean now carried to the city. The bits and pieces though had married and merged with his own fears and desires. The too hot cabin warping and changing his thoughts into the more macabre.

* * *

He moved as though he was floating on a current of air. Lil guided him through the stark white hall. The brightness of it setting off even more her pale white skin marred by blood coursing from her torso. Her simple white sleeping gown drenched in red. It dripped from her as she walked on ahead of him. She reached back and took his hand. They did not speak, but she smiled at him seemingly oblivious to her bloodied state. When they reached the middle of the clean, bright white hall, they came to a stop. There was a window that looked into a lab. A man worked over a table, vials and equipment meticulously laid out all around him. The far walls were filled with cages containing bats and a few other creatures. Each cage had a sign expressing danger, the biohazard symbol emblazoned in the center in bright, bold red.

Cas entered the room and listened. The man had an old phone pressed up to his ear, the swirl of the cord gripped in his hand. "The payment is a slap in the face. It is every type of disrespect. I did not come here to be treated like this." He held the phone in place by tipping his head to the side more and pushed his work away. His hair was cut short and stood out in small, stiff peaks on the top. The fluorescent lighting gave him a ghostly pallor. "I''m going to move the test subjects tonight, and I'll be in California in three days." There was a pause, and Mirov seemed to be listening intently. "I'll come see you first. I want to see her too. The picture you sent was beautiful." He went silent again, listening. Cas let Lil pull him with her little hand move more fully into the room. He was not seen, maybe couldn't be seen since it was, after all, a dream. "I'll be careful. I always am. I just have to see the look in his eyes when I confront him. I just have to see it through myself."

The words were familiar. The actions were less so. Mirov hung up, and began sealing up the cages for transport. Faceless men came in, dressed in lab coats to take the cages away. Who they were, what they looked like did not matter to Cas' dream mind. The group of them went outside. The transport vessels were lined up and the subjects were loaded in. A man came to Mirov with a clipboard, "Sign here." He did. Then there was an explosion. Something had launched into the first transport vehicle. "Go, go, go." The man shouted at everyone. "Back to the the lab. Mirov ran and Cas followed him. The next explosion tipped the last vehicle on its side. There were bats flying from it, off and away from the fires and smoke.

Mirov yelled out to anyone that would listen. "We have to secure the test subjects." No one listened.

Cas' mind moved him to California and a boat floating languidly on the Pacific. Brady stood at the railing looking out on the little waves that slapped quietly against the sides of the ship. "You seem to think that what you want matters."

Mirov gripped the side of the boat in his hands, knuckles turning white as he did so. "Let them go. You never have to see me again. I'll be dead to you, to everyone. Just don't involve them."

Brady turned to Mirov now. "Ah, Luc. So naive. You made this happen. Too bad you have that incredibly useful brain there. I would shove you right on over, feed you to the fishies. Alas, I need to keep you handy. Lord knows that you have sent us some beautiful research. Not a lot of antidotes, though. Makes one wonder what is just swirling around in that head of yours. It would be far too risky having all of those drugs and not your skills. You know how to cure the diseases, buddy. You know a lot. Killing you seems to be short-sighted. I, for one, don't want to be caught with my pants down."

Cas watched from the sidelines as Brady stepped closer to Mirov. "I won't help you."

"I'll start with the child then. My nephews have a way with children." From the darkness toward the back of the boat, A and Al emerged; they stood near the stairway that would take one down into the galley and the underbelly of the vessel. Between them was a woman holding a toddler. The child had her head buried in the woman's shoulder.

Mirov made a move toward them. "Are you okay?"

The woman nodded. She held the child tighter. "So, you can see, that our working relationship is not really an optional one." Brady interrupted the little reunion. "I should have told you about our own little experiments back home. You see, when you sent us some of your findings, I had my boys take them down to our home town. Had them test it all out on some young people there. You know what we discovered?" He stopped, seeming to wait for an answer, but Mirov offered none. He, instead, stared longingly at the woman and child, so close yet so far away. Brady continued, "We discovered that your variant on the Alpha Strain works, and more importantly, so does the antidote. The children showed no side effects."

"You monster. Why?"

"I figure that it will prove useful one day. It still needs a bit more testing. I brought some along should the opportunity arise for more testing. Do you think that I should perform any tests here?" Brady made a point of staring long and hard at the child.

"Whatever you want. Just let them go." He tore his gaze from the woman and the child and looked at Brady.

"Now that's much better." Brady turned to A and Al and said, "Get the boat ready for the return trip. Make sure that our guests are comfortable." He waved out past them, and A and Al pulled the woman toward the lifeboat that hung at the back of the deck.

"Where are you taking them?" Mirov started to move toward them when Brady pulled out an odd gun and held it up in front of him.

"Stay." Brady raised the gun over his head and fired. The bright flash of red accompanied the flare that blazed a trail up into the night sky. "Your ride will be here in a moment."

"My ride?"

"Yes. You get to play dead for a spell. I'm going to have some of my friends take care of you, and the world as you know it will come to forget that you ever existed." He rested a hand on Mirov's shoulder. "Of course, from time to time, I will send one of my boys down to check up on you. Gotta make sure that you are doing well and all." A second boat was speeding toward them from off toward the horizon. The engine roared to a halt right next to them.

Brady put a hand on Mirov and propelled him to the ladder at the front end of the boat. "Where are you taking me?" He stopped and looked back at the spot where the woman had been. "I have to get back to Zaire. I have to take the antidote back. The bats got away. They are all infected."

"Oh, well. I guess that it is good that you won't technically be alive to deal with the many punishments that the world will want to unleash on you. I suppose that you didn't see that the news has reported that you released all of those animals. It has been only a couple of days, but news sure does travel fast. It also has a way of being molded to one's purposes. You have a nasty reputation. I suppose that your so-called freeing of the infected animals will land you on every major law enforcement officer's radar. This coupled with what we will do to your family should you become less than compliant, should be quite enough to keep you in check."

"You bastard." Mirov lunged toward him. "Those people. I've sent you all of the research, the cure. You have to send it to them before it's too late."

"No, I really don't. Better to just sit on it until it is more profitable. No one cares a bit about a few deaths in Zaire. We'll wait until it hits a little closer to home." Brady smiled. His lips stretched out wide and flat; it was a scary expression.

A head popped up over the railing and said something in Spanish, or maybe Portuguese. Cas wasn't sure of the language. Brady directed Mirov to the ladder. Cas saw the look in his eyes as Lil, still bloody, came to him and took his hand. Together, they slipped away to another place.

Next, Cas found himself in a field looking toward a fire. The intensity of the flames blew out the windows. There was a scream. A and Al stood on the lawn near the flames. They watched and laughed a little. Cas knew that this was Mary's death. He moved closer. Lil stood away from them and merely looked on. A said, "That should take care of most of the evidence."

"Ezra's gonna be mad. He doesn't like when we kill off the evidence. Says it leaves too much of a trail." Al held out his hands to the flames seeming to warm them. Another noise came from the house. "You think she got untied yet?"

"Nah, she'd be diving out a window if she had." A became silent and tipped his head to the side. "Quiet now. We can go."

"What are we going to tell Ezra?"

"The truth. He won't like it, but it hardly matters. Not like he would have us raise the dead or something." A gave a short chuckle as they headed out. "She was never going to go along with an Ezra deal anyway. You could see it in her eyes. She was a woman of moral fiber."

"Hmm. I should have tasted some of that moral fiber." Al snorted out a laugh as they rounded the building. Cas followed them. "When are we going back to check on Mirov?"

"Soon as we need more product. I took some pictures of his girl. I'll bring them to him to remind him a little about who is in charge." A got into an old van and Al rounded to the driver's side. As the van drove past his field of vision, the house and the scene behind it changed. Lil was no longer standing off to the side.

The yard was empty save only for Dean. He was holding Lil to his chest. She was bleeding and so fragile looking in his arms. Behind him was the fire, burning bright into the night sky again. He looked to Cas and spoke to him. It was the first time that he had been seen in the dream. "They will look for her. She is the only thing that will keep Mirov from hurting them."

"Why don't they just kill Mirov? They certainly have nothing against murder." Cas reached out and ran a hand over Lil's hair. The sound of a distant ambulance pierced the night.

"Maybe he is still useful. Or maybe he has gotten too powerful for them. I think the latter. He made his way to Mexico and saw M and Lil just fine. He has some freedom now. I think that they don't have much of a hold on him anymore. I wonder if he knows that A killed his only daughter." Dean leaned down and kissed Lil's head as he had when this had all been real. Cas remembered the tenderness of the gesture, the fear that coursed through him, the way that the air was so thick with smoke and terror. This conversation had not been a part of the past.

Cas said, "You must come back to me, to Lil."

"I will. I just have to see this through. I promised to protect you, and I will. Even if it takes everything that I have, you'll be safe and so will Lil." Dean leaned toward Cas, forehead pressed to his. There was a crash of glass breaking, the flames leaping from the house.

Cas' body shot up from the bed. The sound of breaking glass jarred him from his sleep. He had to shake his head to determine if the sound had come from his dream or from something in his waking life. He heard the slight creak of a footstep and leapt from the bed. His bedroom door slamming open in front of him. He heard Lil getting up and saw the source of the noise. It was too dark to see features, but he knew almost on instinct who this was. He shouted out, "Lil! Run, hide!" They had practiced enough in the early days, and he hoped that she would remember to use the trapdoor.

With that, Cas launched himself at the dark figure and slammed him back into the piano. The noise around them a cacophony in the once peaceful silence.


	38. Cacophony in the Silence, Dean

Dean felt regrets from the moment that he left. The way that Cas and Lil hugged him on the porch with just a little extra tightness made him almost drop the whole thing. Cas leaned into his ear though and said, "Be safe, and hurry home to us." He kissed Dean's cheek and added, "Call me if I need to add anything to the narrative, or just call me." Dean left with a grin that he hoped inspired confidence.

"Don't miss me too much." And on that note he left. He glanced into his rearview mirror as he pulled away from the house. They stood together, small in the reflection. He called Garth while he was driving out to remind him to be present. Cas had said that it wasn't necessary, but Dean begged to differ. Cas seemed to agree reluctantly, so Dean was satisfied.

He did not get to Donna's place until quite late since he left Jacksonville quite late. She waited up for him though. She greeted him with a warm hug and tugged the duffle bag out of his hands, carrying it in for him. "How was the drive?" She asked as she tossed his bag onto the pull-out sofa bed that she had apparently already prepared for him.

"Long, but not too awful. I got to listen to a few of the classics and I had some time to mentally prepare for the meeting. Did you get us an appointment?" He leaned against the back of her couch and she stood across from him in the small space.

"Well, yeah, but it won't be until evening tomorrow. Figure we can talk with Jorge in the morning and maybe the guys can come by for lunch to go through the stuff that we are going to take to Frank. Then it'll all just be fallout and rainbows." Donna laughed and gave Dean's arm a little slug.

"That sounds like a solid day from Hell. You have to work tomorrow?"

"Nope. I'm at your disposal. However, we really should get some sleep. Tomorrow is going to kick our asses." She walked over to the side of the sofa and gestured. "This'll be your bed. I'll be up pretty early, so don't plan to get any extra sleep."

"Okay, boss." Dean hopped into the center of the bed and Donna slipped off to her room, closing the door behind her. Dean pulled out his disposable phone and punched up Cas' number. He knew it was late, but he had promised to call when he arrived.

Cas' groggy voice came through after only one ring. "Dean."

"Hey, Cas. I'm at Donna's now."

"Good. Ready for all of your meetings?"

Dean ran a hand up through his hair and toed his shoes off over the side of the bed. "I will be after a few hours sleep." He paused a moment and asked, "You sure about the Mirov narrative? I mean, it seems like a bit of a stretch from what we have been assuming all along. You know, that he was manipulated and such."

Cas sighed; they had talked about his before Dean had left. "I can't be one hundred percent certain, but it seems likely. I mean, after Lil told me the Mexico story, I thought that some things just didn't make sense. You know, he was working on cures for the Ebola virus when it was all brand new. It may have been a job, but it is hardly one that you do without any emotional attachment. You work on something like that because you maybe care about humanity a little. I think that the bulk of his anger about Niveus was directed at how they dealt with his other drug, the anti-coagulate. I also think that the notes that Meg left in her files about Mirov seemed softer than they would have been if he had been only a monster."

"Okay, Cas. Then that is the narrative that we run with. I just hope that we aren't giving him a pass with it."

"We know who the biggest monsters are, Dean. They are A, Al, and Brady. We focus on them, and we have done the best possible thing. We just have to hope that the media can provide the right level of pressure on the D.A. with regards to the prosecution on these bastards." Cas let out a loud yawn, and Dean knew that it was maybe time to let him go.

"Is Garth there?" Dean just had to be sure that things were secure before he hung up.

"He's staying out in your trailer. You don't need to worry. I gotta say, Dean, I know that you put a lot of stock in him, but I think that I can take care of Lil and I just fine without inconveniencing him."

"Cas, why are we paying him, if not for things like this? Now, don't make me worry. You complain about him, and I start thinking that you are gearing up to send him home. Please don't."

Cas huffed out a frustrated puff of air. "Dean, trust me. I said that he could stay, so he is here. No worrying, okay?"

"No worrying." Dean knew that the conversation needed to come to an end. "Love you."

"Love you too. Don't let the bedbugs bite." Cas chuckled a little.

"Dork."

"Assbutt."

"I'll call you tomorrow, probably late."

"I'll wait up. Good night, Dean."

"Good night, Cas."

* * *

Donna and Dean walked into the precinct with all the nervous tension sitting on their shoulders. They knew that it would be that way. Jorge was not expecting them. They came in and Dean was greeted with enthusiasm by his old co-workers. He was polite and took the time to visit for a few moments. Donna helped him break free, and she lead him to Jorge's door. When they entered his office, Jorge looked both shocked and pleased to see Dean.

"Hey, there. I didn't expect to see you back here so soon. You gonna try to grovel for your old job back?" He got up from his desk and came over to Dean to clap him on the back. Dean smiled at the familiarity and pushed aside the feelings that he had been carrying with him before.

Donna spoke up then. "Jorge, we are here to have a more official conversation. You have a few minutes?"

Jorge's expression darkened a little. "Of course. What's got you looking so serious?" Jorge made his way back to his seat and Dean and Donna sat across from him.

Dean spoke then. "So, Donna and I have been communicating about the case. I haven't been able to let it go, and now Donna has a lot of the same feelings. She has learned some things that we need to share with you."

"Okay." Jorge seemed to squirm about a little in his seat. "I assume that the case that you are talking about the A and Al murders."

"Well, more than that, but yes." Donna leaned forward. "It goes back farther than that though."

"What have you learned?" Jorge leaned forward too.

Dean answered, "We learned that Brady is rather involved. We learned that Mirov is involved and not dead. We learned that you were the officer that wrote up the report on Mirov's death all those years ago." Dean stopped and leveled his gaze on Jorge.

Jorge did not say anything at first, then he said, "I have written up a lot of reports. I don't recall that one." He began drumming on the desk then. His fingers making a loud pattern of sounds as he spoke. He looked off toward the bookcase and then back to them. "I think that you are mistaken."

Donna was angry. "We are not mistaken. I saw your signature on the paperwork. It is yours."

Jorge got up then and walked to the bookcase. He looked back at them then ran his hand along the shelf to the edge. "Like I said, I don't recall that one. That would have been decades ago. Maybe you are mistaken." He raised a finger to his lips then, but Donna didn't seem to get it.

She stood up then and said, "Why are you lying? Why would you keep this from us? People have died because of this man, and you obviously know something." Dean realized then that Jorge was trying to silence them for a reason. He got up and put a hand on Donna's arm.

"Clearly, we were wrong, Jorge." Dean looked him in the eyes and saw that Jorge was trying to say more than he could.

Donna tried to start again, irritation plain in her tone, "What the Hell, Dean…"

"No, Donna, we were wrong. Why would Jorge ever cover up something? Have a little faith in the man." Dean raised a hand to the bookcase and pointed at the edge. Jorge had been trying to show them something there. Donna got close to it and Dean peered past her. A small mic was stuck in the corner.

"So, we clear?" Jorge asked as he returned to his seat.

"Yes." Dean walked over to the desk and picked up a pen and slip of paper. He jotted down the address for the diner down the street, and 11:00 am. Jorge gave him a nod and pocketed the paper. "So, I'm sorry about Donna. You know how she gets sometimes. I'm just glad I got to see the old gang for a bit before heading back to Pensacola."

"Pensacola, huh? Sounds warm." Jorge's face though said more than his words.

"Yeah, that's the Florida life. It's been a good life." Dean put a hand to Donna's back and the two of them edged out. "See ya around." They left in a rush, but did not speak until they were safely squared away in the Impala.

"What the Hell, Dean? What do we do now? You know how many things have been shared in that office. I have told him so much about the case, about the evidence, about you even. What do we do?"

"You never mentioned Jacksonville, right?" Dean looked at her quickly, before heading off down the road.

"No, I have been feigning ignorance about where you live to pretty much everyone, Jorge included. The evidence though. I mean, we went over my suspicions about Mirov being alive. Is it Brady that has the bug in Jorge's office?"

"That would be a little ironic, huh?" Dean gave a short, quick laugh. "It's either him or he put his evil A-Team on it. Either way, this is bad." Dean gripped the steering wheel tight. "What do they have on Jorge to make him go along with this?"

"It must be big." Donna stared straight ahead.

Dean glanced at her and said, "Now I get how they knew about the juror that they killed. They heard her confession and dealt with it before she even left the area. God, I never even considered how they could have known. I just figured that they would have been following her."

"Maybe they did that too. They wouldn't be against that sort of thing." They pulled into the lot for the diner. Dean shut the car off and the two of them got out slowly, the slamming doors echoing around them. Dean lead her to a booth at the back of the place, not far from where he had sat with Crowley all those months ago.

Dean glanced at his watch and then back at Donna. "What do we do with all this?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, we have a meeting with Frank at the KRCC later. Do we add any of this to the narrative that we give him?" Dean drummed his knuckles on the table, looking nervously around the room.

"I don't know. Let's just wait and see what Jorge has to say about it all." They ordered food that they didn't eat and coffee. They passed the time until it was finally 11 and the front door opened. Jorge strolled in and slid into the booth next to Donna.

"I'm sorry." The first words out of his mouth fell out in a tone of defeat.

"You're going to have to do better than that, Jorge. Get with the explaining." Dean set down his coffee mug and rested his hands on the table.

Jorge folded his own hands in front of him and looked steadily at Dean. "I know about your connections to the case. I know about your mom."

Dean felt a little shock wave roll up over him. "Why didn't you take me off the case then?"

"I was told not to. You being on the case meant that no usable evidence could ever be produced. So, I was told not to do a thing about it." He paused, broke his gaze to look at Donna then back at Dean before adding, "I'm sorry, Dean."

Donna piped in then, "So, what do they have on you?"

Jorge looked at her guilty and worried in equal measure. "When I moved here with my parents, we came to live with my Aunt and her family. I was an only child, which was kind of odd, but I had a ton of cousins. One in particular was special to me. Gabriella. She was the brother I never had."

Dean interrupted him then, "Brother?"

"Yeah, she wasn't all girly and shit. She climbed trees with me and shot cans in the field. Gabs and I were thick as thieves. She grew up and married fresh out of high school. I made my way through the police academy. We stayed in touch. More than that, we had dinner together every week. Her husband and I became friends too. She had some kids and I kept plugging away at being a police officer." Jorge stopped then.

"Go on, Jorge," Dean encouraged.

"They did something to her oldest kid, a boy named Mickey. I just had to file the report on Mirov's death and he would be okay. You don't know, you couldn't know. They are my family. They are the only things that matter. I did it, and I'd do it again."

"Did they fix Mickey when it was all said and done?" Donna asked.

"Yes, but years later he was hit by a car. He died. I had told them that I wouldn't let them tap my office. This was the way that they chose to remind me of my limited power. With Mickey dead, I became their tool. Gabs had other children to protect, and I wasn't about to be responsible for that. Six kids, down to five. I had to protect them. The youngest one is nine years old. The oldest has a kid of her own. They all call me uncle Jorge. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for them. Nothing." Jorge moved his hands to his lap clutching them together as he did so.

"What all have you shared with them? If we know, maybe we can stop them." Dean dipped his head a little to force eye contact.

"You can't stop them. They have too much power. They know everything that has ever been said in my office. And although you suggested that you were in Pensacola, I think that they know that it is closer. You are here with the Impala after all. You didn't drive here from Florida."

Dean hummed out his concern and Jorge continued, "I had to give them evidence from the evidence locker once. They asked for the red files. The ones on the Alpha Strain." Jorge looked out at the street seemingly worried about who might be out there, ready to stop the thread of his conversation. "They asked if I knew where you went and where your boyfriend moved off to. That was recent, like a few weeks ago."

"Why did they want to know?" Dean felt his muscles tighten with worry and the need to leap off to the car, and drive, just drive.

"They wouldn't say directly. I think that they see you all as loose ends. Or it could have something to do with Mirov."

Donna spoke up then, "What is happening with Mirov that would make them want to find Dean or Cas?"

"Well, Dean and Cas know things. They are the loose ends, but I think that Lil, M's daughter is the concern. I don't know why, but they had me run a trace on her. They wanted to find her. I asked why, and they said that Mirov would want to know that they were keeping track of her. They didn't elaborate. I didn't do much to help; although, I made it look like I did. They didn't get anything from me. I wouldn't want to see a kid get harmed." Jorge's voice tapered off.

"Thank you, Jorge." Dean felt a slight ebb of relief despite the troubling information. Jorge, at least, was still a little loyal to a good cause.

"I know that you are living in Jacksonville. They don't know," Jorge added.

"Can we keep that information from them for a little longer?" Dean asked.

"They won't hear it from me, but it wouldn't be hard for them to figure it out. I found a video, almost by accident. That lead to me looking up other things that gave me their location. You might have to move." Dean glanced down at his watch again, determined to speed up their day.

"I think that Donna and I will need to rethink things. I'll get in touch with you later about what we can do to fix all of this and keep your family safe." Dean got up then and Jorge followed. Donna moved past him to Dean's side. They paid their bills and parted ways. Dean watched Jorge walking away from them down the sidewalk, shoulders slumped under the weight of his choices.

* * *

Uriel and Sam met them at KRCC. They were a small station that had broadcasts both on the radio and on the television. Frank had come out of his office and had greeted them personally His hair was wild and did not make him look like a respectable anchor. He was though, maybe the glasses did the trick. They had the old 1950's look. He shook their hands in a way that seemed wary. He lead them back into his office and began the conversation with, "So, what great conspiracy theory will you be laying on me today?"

Sam cocked an eyebrow up and asked, "What makes you think that we have a conspiracy theory for you?"

"That's how all of my meetings seem to go. Someone calls with all sorts of cagey details. They tell me that they can't talk over the phone. They seem nervous when scheduling the appointment and even when shaking hands." Frank looked from one to the next. "You all seem to fit the bill."

Uriel slid a folder over to him, and Dean added his to the small stack. Uriel said, "I think that you'll find us to be a little more than your usual sort."

"Well, lay it on me. I don't have all day." Frank leaned back into his chair the picture of relaxed.

Uriel flipped open the folder on his desk and said, "What we are giving to you, you'll understand, is not to be dealt with lightly. We will need to be guaranteed anonymity."

Frank's nose wrinkled up a little and he gave a little shrug as if to say,  _whatever, get on with it._  Sam spoke up then. "Uriel and I have been looking into some recent killings, as well as a much older crime. We can't be tied to this though. It could land us in some pretty major hot water."

Uriel interrupted, "So, the case that you will read about here involves Niveus and Stiel Pharmaceuticals." Uriel outlined the case and the major details. As he continued, Frank leaned forward in his chair. He quickly lost the look of mild irritation and became completely engrossed. An hour later and he was fully on board.

"You were right, this is some serious shit. So, I will need to keep the folders of evidence there. I gotta be able to back up my claims, and I need to be able to verify all of this. I think that this is huge though. Might be the biggest story I've ever been handed."

Dean wrote down one of his disposable numbers. "Here, you can call this number if anything comes up or if you have questions."

Frank stood up then and shook each of their hands in turn before they left. "I'll be in contact. I should be able to put this together in about a week, maybe less."

* * *

Dean had returned that night to Donna's place, feeling satisfied with the outcome. He had not been certain about how to handle Jorge. True he had been a little loyal, but his actions had also enabled three very dangerous men. Dean strolled over to the window and looked down on the street below. He contemplated leaving that night for Jacksonville. He wasn't tired, and there wasn't much that needed to be done in the city anymore, so why stay. Something wasn't sitting right with him though. He felt as though an eerie presence had been looming over his shoulder most of the day. Occasionally, he would shoot a glance back over his shoulder just to see what was there. So far, there had been nothing.  _Just nerves._

"Dean, you should get some sleep. You have a long day ahead of you tomorrow, if you are planning to make the drive home." Donna walked up to his side and looked down on the street with him. Dean let the curtain fall back in front of the window, but Donna caught it and pulled it aside again. She leaned into the window and pressed her head to the glass, seeming as though she was trying to get closer to something.

"Something wrong?" Dean watched her. She didn't answer at first. Dean reached up and touched her arm. "Donna?"

She nodded in a way that directed his attention down to the street. "That car. There is someone in the driver's seat."

Dean looked down to where she directed, and he could see something in the car. "You think that he is trouble?"

"He was there when we left earlier today. He wasn't there when we returned, but he is there now. Maybe it is nothing, but it seems fishy." She stepped back from the window and looked at Dean.

"Maybe I should go down and check." Dean reached over to the dining room chair and pulled his jacket off the back. He threw it on and took two steps to the door before Donna stopped him.

"Dean, I don't think that this is a good idea."

"I'll take my gun. Don't worry." He moved his gun to the pocket of his jacket and got closer to the door.

"I should come with you." Donna started pulling on her own coat too then.

"No, you should provide back up from the window. Watch and be ready, just in case." Dean opened the door and stepped out. Donna stayed behind.

The night was crisp and cool. He made sure to have a steady grip on the gun. He crossed the street from behind the vehicle, watching the reflection in the mirror that didn't seem to see him as he approached. He glanced up and saw that Donna was still in her window. The man in the car seemed to be looking up at her. Dean reached out and gave the window a sharp knock. The man jumped, took one look at Dean, and quickly drove from the curb and down the street.

Dean went back up to the apartment. Donna looked concerned. "Well, that was odd."

"He could have just thought that you were creepy. I know that I wouldn't stick around for a conversation with a stranger knocking on my window in the middle of the night." Donna seemed like she was looking for a comforting path.

"Yeah, if we were any other people, I'd agree, but we are not." Dean took off the jacket and returned it to the chair. "Call Jorge."

"Okay, why?"

"See if you can find out whether or not we have something stuck to our shoes. Be subtle." Dean sat on the edge of the sofa while Donna pulled up his contact information and sent out the call. She put the phone on speaker so that Dean could hear.

"Hello." Jorge's voice was haggard and strained.

"Jorge, it's Hanscum, Donna. Dean's on the line too. You don't sound good." She looked over at Dean then back at the phone.

"Can't talk right now. I'm at the hospital. My niece is here." His voice cracked a bit in the last bit.

Donna looked worried. She asked, "What happened?"

"She seems to have been poisoned. Been told that she will be okay though, since I've been helpful." His voice fell again and he added, "I'm so sorry, Dean. So sorry."

Dean jumped up then and snatched the phone. "What did you do?" No reply. "Goddamnit Jorge, what the Hell did you do?" He shouted into the phone, but Jorge had already hung up. "I have to get to Jacksonville." He grabbed his coat and keys and rushed toward the door. "Go somewhere safe. Call me when you get there." He was out the door and down to his car in mere seconds. He was dialing Cas' number.  _How long ago had he told them? How long have they been heading for them?_  The phone rang and rang. No answer.

 _Garth. I'll call Garth._  He dialed the number and waited. One ring, two, three, four, five, six, voicemail.  _Damnit._  "Garth A and Al are coming, or someone is coming. Get Cas and Lil to someplace safe. Call me. Call me right away." He hung up and tried Cas again. This time he left a message. "Cas, get Lil and get out. Get somewhere safe. Call me."

He tore off down the dark road, not looking back. His heart was beating out a harsh rhythm in his chest.  _Missouri. I'll call her._  He sent the call out as he hit the freeway, pedal to the metal and the roar of the engine carrying him onward. One ring and, "Dean?"

"Thank God."

"Something wrong?" Her tone was maternal, and also all business in one breath.

"Missouri, someone is coming to Jacksonville to hurt Cas and Lil. I am on my way there, but no one is answering their phones. Even Garth's phone went to voicemail. I'm freaking out here."

"Take a deep breath. I'll go there right now and check on them. You have any idea what I'm walking into?" He could hear her moving about, likely getting ready to drive over. He also heard Adam's voice in the background.

"Where are you going, mom?"

She responded to Adam, "I'm going to Dean's place. He thinks that something is wrong out there, and he needs me to check on Cas and Lil."

"I'm going with you. You need back up." Adam's voice was coming through loud and clear.

"No, you stay here. I will call you if anyone else needs to be brought in. I'm sure it is nothing." Dean could hear a door closing and then Missouri's words again, "So tell me what you think is going on."

Dean explained briefly what had been happening that weekend in the city and why he thought that someone was heading to their home. Missouri listened and drove. She let Dean know when she got close to the house. "Is his car there?"

"Looks like it, but something isn't right." Dean felt his foot pressing harder on the accelerator, but he couldn't go any faster. The engine was already carrying him along at breakneck speeds.

"What's happening? What do you see?" Dean felt the breathing in his lungs, in his throat. He was practically strangling on each intake.

"The front door is open. I'm going to put you on speaker in my pocket. Don't talk though. I'm going to go check it out." Dean could hear the ruffling noises of her actions, and he obeyed and stayed silent. Seconds passed. Minutes passed. He was not close enough. It would be hours before he would even be close.  _Be okay, Cas. Be okay. God, Lil, remember how to hide. Be far away. Hide, baby girl._ His thoughts were running away, prayers and curses. He was beating himself up for having ever left. He was calling out to a god that he didn't even think that he believed in anymore. His mind was all noise and chaos. The silence coming from Missouri's end of the call was deafening. He wanted to call out, ask her what she was seeing, but he curbed it. "Dean."

"What's happening? Talk to me."

"Something bad. There's blood, broken glass. No signs of Cas or Lil. I'm calling for some back up on this. I think that I can get someone from the next town over. I'm gonna call Phil too. Shit, Dean, this is bad." Missouri sounded scared, which scared Dean more. She was never easily rattled.

"Missouri, could you look in Lil's room for something?"

"Yeah, what?"

"Look in her closet and by her dresser for a backpack. Tell me if it is there." Dean was hoping. He felt that if it was missing, then there might be hope.

"I don't see a backpack. Her closet has a trapdoor in it."

"The rug covering it is pulled back? He asked.

"Yeah. Looks like someone used it." He could hear her opening and closing it.

"You should check the trailer. Garth was staying out there."

"Okay, Dean. I'm gonna hang up though, so I can call for help. I'll call you back soon."

"Okay." Dean did not want to hang up, but he did anyway. The night flew by outside the windows. His fear was growing by the minute. He wanted to call Sam or Donna and just tell them what was happening, hear a voice even. He couldn't tie up the line though. He drove on. Silence and road noise his only companions.

* * *

Time passed in a blur of trees and highway barriers. Grays and greens barely even colors in the moon soaked night. He felt the moment before it happened as though a clamp around his heart had finally decided to squeeze tighter than it had been squeezing him before. Unconsciously, he raised his hand to his chest and felt the drumming accelerating. The phone in his glovebox sent out a second ring. He fumbled for it. He had not even been keeping it charged, so he was lucky that it received the call at all. He remembered in an instant why this phone mattered, why he had kept it close for so long. It was the one contact that he had maintained with Cas and Lil. It was the number that they had shared over a year ago for emergencies. And now it was ringing, ringing like it never had before, and Dean was terrified.

He answered it. "I'm here." Panic sounds. He could hear breathing that was rapid and coupled with gulping sobs. "Lil?"

"Dean." He heard her voice and felt his body slow down to a laudanum crawl. "Dean?" The second utterance of his name jarred him from his moment.

"Are you okay? Talk to me, Lil."

"I need you to find me. I need you to come." She was freaking out. Her voice was tripping through the words. She was choking back sobs.

"Where's Cas, honey?" He had hit the first freeway change and took the exit a little too fast. The tires screeched out a protest as he did so.

"There was fighting. Someone was in the house. He yelled for me to run and hide. I'm not to the hill yet." She was gaining control of her voice.

"I'm on my way. You need to get to the hill and look around for anyone following you. I'm coming to you, but I am far away." Dean was trying to sound calm. He wanted her to feel calm too. "Where are you right now?"

""I'm in the woods. I went the wrong way. It is dark. I don't have the flashlight yet." She was breathing harder again.

"Can you get back to the creek and to the hiding place on the hill?" He had the phone propped up on his shoulder. He was trying to figure out how he could keep her on the line and call Missouri at the same time.

"No, he might see me. I can hear him." Her voice sounded small.

 _Shit, shit, shit._  "Do you recognize him?"

"Yes." She was whispering and it sent an eerie shiver through his body.

"I'm going to call Missouri. She's at your house. I'm going to tell her where you are."

Lil interrupted him, "Don't hang up on me."

"No. I won't. I am just going to set the phone down, but I will be able to hear you. Okay?"

"Okay."

Dean put the phone on the seat next to him and set it to the speaker setting so that he could hear her if anything happened. He dialed Missouri's number again. She answered right away. "Dean. I'm just waiting on Phil. Got a guy rushing over from the the sheriff's office. He should be here soon."

Dean interrupted her, "Lil just called. She is alone and does not know where Cas is. I need you to find her in the woods. She is heading for the creek, but she said that there is a man in the woods looking for her. I think that it is either A or Al. She said that she recognized him. He is dangerous. If you see him, you need to be prepared to shoot him on sight." Dean said it all quickly, feeling overwhelmed. "Call me back when you find her and she is safe."

"I will." Missouri hung up and Dean scooped up the phone that Lil was on. He brought it closer to his ear, taking it off of speaker.

"You still with me, Lil?"

"Yes, Dean." She was quiet, whispering out her answer.

"Lil, can you still hear the man that is following you? Can you see him?"

And even quieter than before she answered, "Yes."

He could feel his heart pounding hard in his chest the blood throbbing along his veins. If she could see him, then he was too close. He spoke carefully, quietly, and with purpose. "Lil. You need to stay hidden. Are you well hidden?"

"Yes." She was whispering again.

"Where is he?"

"Just past the trees, near the creek. He called my name. I'm afraid, Dean. When will you be here?" Dean could feel the time dragging out. It was as though the road ahead of him was stretching out like taffy. He had the car floored. The night was a blur around him. If he were lucky, he would get there by midnight, but that would be too late?  _And what had they done with Cas?_

"I'm coming, Lil. I'm coming munchkin. I'm sending Missouri out to look for you." She didn't reply. There was only silence. "Lil?" A little louder then, "Lil?" But she still did not respond. Dean pulled the phone from his ear; it was dead.


	39. Interlude, Lil

The warm sand curled in and around her toes. She wiggled them about, trying to sink them deeper into the warmth. Her mother was next to her. She had laughed at the bikini. It was not the attire that she has grown use to on her. Her mother wore smart business clothes or ratty tee shirts and jeans. Always, though, she was very clothed.

"Mom, can I go get some water in my bucket?"

"Mmm." It carried a note of yes, so Lil had scooped up her plastic bucket to get some water from the gentle waves that lapped at the shore. She planned to make a moat and maybe a castle. It was warm and she was happy. She looked back at her mom as she skipped off, her now tan skin was like heavily creamed coffee. They had grown accustomed to this place, the life of leisure. They would wake in the morning and meander down to the hotel coffee shop. They would dine on eggs and toast. They would walk through the town, shopping or just gawking. Always there was the beach. She had built more castles than she could count. She built them while her mom read a book or two. Each day had ended when the sun had finally baked them enough, and they would take their happy, toasty selves back to the hotel.

She had her bucket in the water when she saw him, the same man that had been at the restaurant. He was also in the market. He had even been in the lobby of the hotel. He was different, a close cropped head of blonde hair. He had an older face, not tanned like anyone that had spent even the barest amount of time here. She stared at him and he tipped his head to her in acknowledgement. He did not approach her though.

She dipped the bucket down to the sand and waited for a wave to whip up past her ankles and into the bucket. A small, warm blast of foamy water did the trick and she jumped up a little in shock from it. Her bucket was filled though and she carried it back to her mom and the future moat.

When she reached the spot, she set the bucket aside and settled into the digging. Her mom watched her through her heavily darkened sunglasses. They were large and gave her a bug-like appearance. Lil smiled at her. "I love you, mom."

Her mom took off the sunglasses and looked down at her. "I love you too, sweety." She scooted up to the edge of her towel and began helping to dig the moat. "Do you like it here?"

"Yes. It is the best vacation ever." She had been happy and carefree everyday. There had been no nannies or daycares, no late nights with caregivers, just mom. All the mom she could get. It was great. She thought about home sometimes, but she didn't miss it. She thought about her daycare friends, but she didn't miss them either. When she had been there she had missed her mom. Now she had her all to herself and that was what made this the best vacation ever.

She wondered sometimes how much longer they would get to stay. She hoped that it would be a month. A month sounded like a long time. Her mom had spoken again, interrupting her tiny child musings, "Should we stay here longer?"

Lil looked at her funny then said, "I was just thinking that."

Her mom had laughed at her then, "I swear, sometimes you sound like a mini-adult. What did I do to deserve you?" She smiled at her and ran a hand through her hair. Her face grew serious again, like it had sometimes when they were at home and mom was working. "I was thinking that maybe we should just stay here. Would you like that?"

"Forever?"

"Maybe." Her mom sounded uncertain. It was an odd sound for her. Mom was always sure of everything.

Lil had considered the question a bit before answering. Then she got up and began tipping the water bucket into their moat. "Okay." When she had finished emptying the bucket she noticed that the water was not staying. It was there for a bit though before it was gone. "What about your work? Will you work here?"

"I think that I will just work on my tan while you work on your sand castles. That should be enough work for the both of us." She smiled, and Lil smiled, and they both settled back onto their towels.

* * *

It had been a warm memory. It had been a memory full of hope. She had a great deal of need right now for that warmth as she sat in the darkness, shivering. The night was deep and dark, filled with the night sounds of owls and wind in the branches. She listened to the distance. She could hear movement there. She eased away from the small outcropping of rocks and scrambled back down to the other side, watching as she moved. She could see a tall figure moving through the trees. Her father had taught her how to escape. He had shown her the paths to take, the strategies to employ. She had to think back hard though to recall them despite having just shown Dean the plan mere days ago.

They had been lulled into a false sense of security here, so far from the city, so far from the places that inspired horror. She could almost forget the hands on her, gripping her tight with greedy violence in their touch. She could almost forget the way that it felt to be cut, to bleed. Almost. She could see movement in the trees. She did not run though. Her father had told her that you only run if you have already been spotted. Running is loud. She had her backpack on again. She had taken it off at the rocks to put away the phone. It had lost its signal in the woods. It had also been dangerously close to running out of batteries. She had called Dean. He would help her, she had thought.  _He is far away._  And the fear that came with that thought caused her to shake all the more. She felt the prickle of fear twitching about in her side. She placed her hand there and felt the raised skin that was a scar. It was a reminder of how bad this could be, how bad it had been. She slinked out through the trees, toward the creek that ran off into the woods.

She would cross it and make her way out to the next set of houses. There were rocks poking up from the creek. She tip-toed onto them, and when she reached the other side, she looked back. She could not see anyone,but she knew that he was still there. She knew that she had to vary her path. Dad had said that you don't make the journey in a direct way. He said that she had to make it hard for anyone to follow her.

She abruptly turned to the left and walked back toward the lake for a few minutes, hugging the creek. Then she decided to hang a right and head away from the water. The creek had been loud enough to cover her steps. There was a slight incline to her new path. She paused midway up a small hill and leaned against a tree. She scanned the forest around her, looking for movement. She waited. For being so young, she was quite patient. Then she saw it. Movement. Far back down the slope, near the creek, was a man. He was tall, but stooped over, looking at the ground. He appeared to be studying the area. He looked up and scanned the area. She could not see his face, but she knew him by some instinct that rested within her. He was their enemy. He was the one that had cut her. He was the one that had taken away her mom.

She did not move. She worried that the movement would be noisy. She waited. She watched. She listened. He pulled out a phone and looked at it. The glow of it was on his face. She could see some of him. He was monstrous. His face highlighted now by the glow was also adorned in shadows mapping out the contours of his fire ravaged skin. His hair grew out of half of his head in long, thin wisps, ghost-like in a way that only added to his menacing presence. He shut the phone off and was sent back into darkness. Lil waited. She saw him turn back to the creek. In two short hops he was over it and heading back the way that he had come. She let out a breath of relief and moved again toward her destination.


	40. Beat, Cas

The sound of the piano keys pressed all at once by the falling body were too loud in the quiet house. His yell toward Lil's room added to the noise. These were the moments that were storming around in his head. There were flashes of light that punctuated each hit. The fist pounding out a beat on his torso, his jaw, and his back as he spun away. He had managed to inflict some damage too. Al had hit the piano when Cas had sent out a sweeping kick. There was blood, Al's blood falling on the floor, since the kick had sent his head back against the sharp edge of the piano. Al had more violence in him though. He had decades of violent practice.

So, although Cas fought valiantly, Al won. Cas cared that he was losing, but he cared more about prolonging the fight. He was determined to drag it out for as long as he could. He had heard movement in Lil's room, and he knew that he had to give her as much of a head start as he could.  _Run, Lil, run._  He thought he heard the sound of her trap door opening and closing. He felt the final blow to his head not long after, leaving him with only stars and darkness.

* * *

Darkness. He blinked once, twice. The feel of wool, scratchy and too close was all that he could sense. His breathing accelerated. He could feel the humidity of it building in the cloth.  _Lil. Lil. Lil_. His mind raced on into that panic.  _Did someone take Lil?_  He began to struggle. His arms were bound to the back of the chair that he was sitting on. It felt like one of those cheap metal, folding chairs. A hand pressed down on him. He stopped moving.

"What do you want?" His voice was a deep, low gravely menace.

He heard a slight laugh, but no words. He felt the first blow though, like he was made of weakness. The fist slammed into his ribs. He imagined them shattering beneath the force. The pain there was intense. He struggled to breathe. He tried communicating again. "What do you want?" Another blow to the ribs, this time on the other side. Cas slumped forward, laboring to breathe.

There was the sound of scraping and a fan. Not a small fan. Something larger was circulating the air. There was an echo of footsteps. It sounded like there was only one person in the room, and the way that the room echoed made it sound like it was large. He squinted out at the fabric, trying to see beyond the stitching to no avail. He was afraid to speak again. Each attempt had afforded him more violence.

Instead, he just sat there and listened. He could not hear Lil. He had prepared her in the past for dangers. In the early days, he had lived in fear that at any moment someone could hurt them. He had taught her to hide and to get help. He had shown her the phone that Bobby had given them. He had taught her to call Dean. He had to believe that it had been enough. He had to believe that she had gotten away. He hoped that she wasn't here, and that she was safe. He could take this if she was okay.

He decided to speak again. "Why are you doing this?" This time he was slapped. It was not a movie slap. It was a resounding snap across the side of his head that sent him to the floor, chair and all. Next, strong hands gripped his forearms and lifted him back into an upright position.

"You are a goddamn nuisance, Mr. Novak." The nasally tone, too familiar breathed out too close to his face. He could feel the breath of it coming through the cloth.

"Al," he whispered. A fist slammed down on his chest, sending him backwards to the pavement again.

The arms pulled him back up and then more words were spoken. "I don't want to hear you, but if you insist on speaking, I will beat you and beat you until there is nothing left. I get to play with you until I get other orders, and I am just looking for an excuse to enjoy myself."

Cas held his breath for a moment, trying to find the calm.  _Focus, focus, focus._   _I have to figure this out._ He felt the silence around him in stark contrast to the noise of the beating just a moment ago.

Al spoke again. "Do you think that Dean would like to get you back gift wrapped? I have some ideas about how to deliver you."  _This is about Dean. They are trying to get to Dean._

"I am sure that he would want me unharmed." The slam of the fist this time went to his gut. Somehow it was not as bad as the others.  _Don't speak. Don't get sucked in._

"I was wondering where your girl was. She was not in her bed. My brother is out looking for her now. It should not take him long to find her. I like the idea of having more leverage."

"If you hurt her, I will kill you. I will not stop until you have suffered." Cas didn't care if he got hit again. He struggled and felt his hand slip through the binding a little. He felt a hand on his shoulder then and another slap to the head.

"Good luck with that. I think that Dean will do what we want with or without the girl, but I do love the idea of bringing her here. Watching you lose it, just sends me into all kinds of happy places." He stopped talking for a moment. "Do you ever think about that night and the fire, Mr. Novak? Do you ever think about how it must have been in that building while you just let it all burn?"

Cas didn't reply out loud. It wasn't worth the pain, but he thought about his answer.  _Everyday. I hope that he felt every bit of it._

"Do you think that it hurt much? Oh, you can answer. I won't hit you just this once."

"I hope that he suffered. I hope that he felt it, all of it. I hope that he had fucking nightmares about it."

"Oh, Mr. Novak, so bitter, such language too." There was a pause and the sound of footsteps echoing around him as though Al was walking a circle around his chair. "My brother and I have always had a fondness for fire." Cas could smell fuel and it sent him into a short burst of panic.  _Not again, no not again._

There was a sound of a door opening in the distance. A shuffling of feet could be heard. Another voice, low and whispery barely penetrated his ears. He could not make out the actual words that were said. Cas could hear them moving away from him though. He worked his hands back and forth, feeling the bite of the ropes as the movement dug them into his wrists. He felt the warm drip of blood form and ooze from his wrist. He kept up the movement. the rope was almost off.

He could hear the voice again, a muted tone. They approached him. He stopped moving. Then, "I think that we should knock him out for now." He felt his body being tipped back in the chair. The cloth on his face fell aside a little and he saw a hand, mangled and melted beyond all that it should have been. Hands tell a story and this one told a tale that he did not want to believe. This hand told a tale of the worst kind of resurrection. This hand told a tale of the dangerous. This hand told him that he was damned.

* * *

Coming back to consciousness again was unpleasant. He was drawn out by the pain of the slowly blossoming bruises that now covered every inch of his body.  _Find me, Dean. Find me. Find Lil._  He thought these things like a prayer, hoping that it would be enough to just hope. He had managed to wiggle his hand closer to freedom. The ropes were still there, but they were not as tight as before. He did not know how much time had passed. Was it minutes, hours, days. The time between consciousness and unconsciousness seemed short, but that could be his brain misinterpreting things due to the beatings.

It was quiet. He wondered if he was alone. He was afraid to move much. If A or Al were there, he would be hit again. He wanted to, needed to, avoid that. He could hear something in the distance, talking, then footsteps. Then a hand rough and quick grabbed the hood that had been covering his head. "You can stop pretending to be asleep." Cas had to blink back a bit. The room was not bright, but it was more than his eyes were prepared for. He squinted up at Al. Al turned to A then and said, "Go back and look for the girl again. Looks like we are going to need that leverage." A's mouth turned up in a half grin, not because he meant for it to do so, but because that was all it could do. The other half was immobilized by scar tissue. He leaned into Cas and sniffed him all along the side of his head. Cas tried to pull away.

"You don't need her. I'll give you what you want." Cas shifted more in his seat, but could not move more than a scant few millimeters.

"You don't have what we need. We checked." A's words curled into Cas' ear, too close. His hot breath was almost sticky as it ghosted his ear.

"I might. What do you want?" Cas hoped that he could stall them at the very least.

A stepped away from Cas and Al pushed his hands into his pockets for a moment as he considered Cas' words. "We need you to give us the evidence that you have collected. We believe, though, that it is all in Dean's hands." He crouched down then and brought his face to within inches of Cas'. "So, I do believe that a little extra leverage with your boy will make a difference. If we have you and the little niblet, then we certainly get the evidence."

"You can have the evidence even without involving the child." Cas tried to control the fear that he was feeling. He was also trying to figure out how he could protect Lil and Dean while maybe giving A and Al what they wanted. It wouldn't be easy. The evidence was truly in Dean's hands as Al claimed. Dean took M's box of papers and all of their other findings along with him to the city.

A turned to his brother and gave him a scowl. "I knew that we should have just taken out the other one when we were in the city."

"Yeah, won't argue with you there. Uncle was stupid. He keeps thinking that murder draws attention. You know what draws attention? Loose ends." Al turned to Cas with the final pronouncement and Cas felt his body shudder with the implications.  _If murder ties up loose ends, then how do I get out of this?_

"I can get you the evidence." Cas looked from one to the other.

"I don't think that we need you to get anything. I think just having you will be enough." Al turned to A and gave him a nod. "Well, you and the extras that we picked up. You got a whole slew of cannon fodder lazing around your place lately. A came back into the room dragging a hooded body in as he came. The hood was soaked through with blood. Cas wasn't sure if the person under the hood was alive or dead. Al reached down and pulled the hood off. Cas could see Garth's face, but it was hardly recognizable. A gave him a kick that landed on his chest. "Wakey, wakey, wakey."

Garth let out a moan and moved only slightly with the impact. "I said that I could get the evidence. You don't have to do this," Cas yelled.

"I know, but I enjoy it." Al kicked Garth again, and this time Garth curled up on himself a bit. Cas kept working on the rope that was digging into his wrists. A ducked out of the room again and began dragging in another body. This one Cas knew even without the removal of the hood. It was Missouri. She was more awake than Garth though, and fought through writhing and pulling as A dragged her across the cement to the spot near Garth.

A pulled back the hood and Missouri stared up at him. Her eyes locked in a silent communication.  _What do we do?_

"Neither of them will get you any closer to your goal. Dean does not have the evidence. I do. I have it," Cas spoke with confidence.

"Liar, liar, pants on fire." Al pulled a lighter out of his pocket and flicked up a flame. "Try again, princess."

"I have it all. Dean has evidence that he took to the city, but I have the originals." Dean actually had all of it. Cas had some small pieces here and there. He had papers and such. He was hoping that he could sound just convincing enough, though. Maybe then they would feel the need to take them all back to the cabin. Even if they just took him, he thought that maybe he could figure out an escape, or better still a way to fight.

"Where is it all then? We checked your home, and there was nothing." Al kept playing with the lighter. Flick, flame. Snuff. Flick, flame. Snuff.

 _Think, Cas._ "It is in a safety deposit box. I have to be there to access it. They won't let you access it. If I die, it will pass to my beneficiary. I guarantee you that they will want to give that information over to the police. I've made sure to set it up so that it goes to someone that doesn't know of any good reason to fear you. They'll just hand it right on over."

Al's lip curled up into a smirk. "Interesting, Novak. You think that this bit of information will save you. This is a small town, and we have one of the only cops tasked with protecting it. You think that we won't be able to get into your safety deposit box? Really?"

"I think that Ezra wants you to keep from drawing attention, and that a bank robbery would draw plenty of attention. I mean you already kidnapped the local law, so I imagine that by morning you will be all over the news." Cas paused a moment, choosing his tone in order to press his advantage. "Better err on the side of caution. I suggest taking me to the bank now, while no one is looking for you or Missouri here. I'll do your bidding, get your evidence, if you let us go."

Al glanced at A in a quick bit of communication. He had stopped playing with the lighter. Cas looked down at Missouri. Garth was still unconscious. Cas slipped his hand out of the rope, careful not to draw attention. He wasn't sure what the added mobility would afford him, but he was plotting none the less. "If you try even the slightest thing, we will kill them both." Al came close to Cas and added, "Slowly. And if you think that my brother is not to be taken seriously, I'll just remind you right now, of just how much he wants to hurt you. He wants to hurt everything close to you." He looked at A then.

A said, "He ain't lyin' 'bout that."

"I believe you. I'll do as you say." Cas pasted on a look of sincerity. Cas slipped his hand back into the ropes. He knew though that he could get out again if need be. Al stepped aside with A and they carried on a quiet conversation before Al came back. He fussed a bit with the ropes and then pulled Cas up from the chair. "Come on now." Al held his elbow and Cas stumbled along after him. He pushed Cas' face down to Missouri's. "Take a good look at her. I'm going to take you to the bank. I am going to have you get cleaned up first. I think that your appearance will get tongues a wagging. Now, if this goes even a little south, A will make it so that you don't recognize her body. So, you on board with the plan 110%?"

"I am." Cas nodded and let Al lead him off. He had no intention of doing everything that he was told. He had every intention of escaping, of fighting, of destroying them both.


	41. Beat, Dean

Dean arrived just before dawn, his car sliding to a halt in a spray of gravel. He had tried to call Missouri back after the phone had died. She did not answer. He called Sam and then Donna giving each of them the condensed version of what was happening. Sam said that he would head out to Jacksonville right away. Dean tried to talk him out of it, but Sam just ignored him.

Donna made it clear that she was safe, and that he need not worry about her. She also said that she would contact the appropriate parties back home regarding the threats to Cas' and Lil's safety. Dean thanked her and hung up to concentrate on driving for a few minutes and also to get his thoughts in order. Later he called Phil, the retired officer that held his job before Dean had moved to Jacksonville. Phil said that he had heard from Missouri, but that she had not been answering her phone nor did she return his messages. Phil said that he was going to get some outside help. Dean took that to mean that he would contact someone at the county sheriff's office. Dean also gave him a little information about the past. It would be best, he thought, if people just knew now. After all, secret identities and the secrets about the past couldn't be used to protect them anymore.

He wasn't surprised when he emerged from his car to find their home overrun with people. Adam and Phil were talking off to the side. Adam saw Dean and stormed up to him. "I swear to God, Dean, if you got my mom into something there is going to be hell to pay."

"No word yet on where she is?" Dean closed the door to the Impala with a loud smack, taking in Adam's tone, but not letting it draw him into anger.

"No." The word was punched out with a force that Dean felt more than heard.

"I'm sorry, Adam. I had no idea that they knew where we were. They shouldn't have been able to track us. We were pretty careful." Dean's words trailed off into silence.

"You should have told us everything. Now mom's god knows where if she's even…"

"Don't you go thinking that," Dean interrupted. "She's going to be fine. We're going to find her." He reached out to Adam then and grabbed his shoulder. Adam shrugged him off and turned back to Phil. Dean followed. "Phil?" The man turned to Dean.

"Hey, there. You hear anything from anyone while you were driving in?" Phil handed off a folder to another officer that had been standing with him. His grey hair was short cropped, and he had a glint in his blue eyes that gave him a grandfatherly air.

"Nobody called. I contacted my brother Sam. He is on his way here. What have you uncovered?" Phil moved past Dean and Dean followed him. He headed up the steps into the house.

Phil pointed toward the piano. "So, it looks like there was a struggle there. Someone knocked their head or something on the edge. Bit of blood here and pooled up on the floor below." Phil directed Dean's gaze to the spot.  _God, don't let it be Cas' or Lil's._ "I'm not much for crime scene investigation, mostly just did minor league stuff out here, but that there looks like drag marks." Phil crouched down low and pointed at two long scuff marks in the wood floor that Dean immediately decided were really drag marks.

"Yes, someone was knocked out and those look like heel drags." Dean got up from crouching next to Phil and stalked off to Lil's room. He immediately noted that her backpack was gone. Her trapdoor was not covered by the rug.  _She's out there somewhere, and I need to find her._  "Has anyone searched the woods for Lil or Cas?"

"We've been searching, but we have to be careful not to trample any evidence of where they went. Cas' jeep is gone. I'm guessing that they used that to get away." Phil faced the door past Dean's shoulder and said, "Can I help you?"

Carter stood in the doorway. "Dean, what's happening? Where's Cas, Lil?"

Dean turned to him. "I think that Cas has been taken. We're looking for him. Not sure about Lil. I am hoping that she is hiding. I'm going to go out and look for her now." Carter stepped aside as Dean pushed past him out the door. Carter and Phil followed him. "We need to get people looking for all of them throughout the town. Can we get word out that they are missing? We need eyes and ears everywhere."

Phil said, "Yeah, I'll send Thomas into town to start telling people. Looks like someone ransacked the trailer too. You have someone staying in there."

"Yeah, Garth was staying in there while I was out of town." He walked to the door of the trailer and looked inside. "Shit. They got Garth too." There was blood, more than in the cabin. Garth fought hard. Dean ran a hand up through his hair in silent frustration. "I'm going to search for Lil. Call me if anything turns up. I mean it, even small things." Dean started off into the woods. Carter followed. "I don't need you trailing me." Dean didn't mean to sound rough, but the idea of anyone else falling into his dangerous world was wholly unappealing. Then he noticed that Adam was there too. "Shit, you two need to go back." Dean stopped before hitting the line of trees at the edge of the property.

"Not a chance. You are the closest connection right now to my mom. You know things. I am sticking to you like glue until we find her." Adam stood his ground, face set in grim determination.

Carter spoke then, "Dean, let me help. More eyes on this can't hurt. I need to help." He also looked like he was determined, but he also looked like a beaten dog. Dean turned away from them both and stalked off into the woods.

"Watch the terrain. Make sure not to trample evidence if you see any. If someone is out here and I tell you to run, you run. No questions. Do exactly what I say." Dean was gruff. He looked off into the distance for signs of life. The trees were thick here, blocking off the early morning sunlight. He worried about the passage of time.  _How long ago was the struggle? How long had they been in danger?_ He calculated out the time since Lil's call.  _1:00 am._   _They have had at least five hours of terror. I should have stayed. I should have been here, watching them._  He silently cursed himself over and over, feeling the full weight of blame pressing down on him.

They reached the creek and Dean let his eyes run up along the water. "Do you think that one of them is actually out here or are we looking for some other type of evidence?" Adam interrupted Dean's thoughts.

"I think that Lil is out here. I firmly believe that Lil is out here." Dean jumped across the water to the other side and quickened his pace deeper into the woods. The others followed.

"Dean." Carter was stopped at the water's edge. Dean stopped and came back to his side. "Footprints." He pointed at the larger shoe prints in the muck near the creek.

"Hmm. Good eye. I missed them." He let his eyes follow their path and saw that they were making large strides in the direction that Lil would have gone, if she had stuck with the escape plan that she had shown Dean. They headed in that direction together. Lil's hill loomed up in the distance. Dean raised a hand to his forehead to shield his eyes from the sunlight that now pierced through some of the trees. He called out, "Lil! Lil! It's Dean! Come out!" His voice echoed back to him, almost like the woods were mocking him in his distress. There was no sign of her.

Adam had walked off to the clearing by the path, the path that Lil said she would not take. Adam crouched down and picked up something. "Oh, God. Dean, Dean." He held up the gun.

Dean came to him in a rush. "Is it your mom's?"

"Yes." He pressed his hand to the earth then said, "The blood." The ground showed patches of earth soaked with crimson. "She's not dead. She fought them. Look at the way it all looks smashed up. She fought them."

"She's not dead." Dean got up and looked off into the distance. "No body. They always leave the bodies." Dean marched off again toward where he hoped they would find Lil. Adam rushed after him, Carter right behind.

"You think she was taken somewhere?" Adam's nerves were showing.

"Yes. I think that they might be collecting leverage. They need something. They must have found out what I was doing in the city." They were moving faster now. Dean needed to reach the cabin in the woods. He believed that all of the answers were there. "I should have known. I should have stayed," He finally said out loud. "I will find her, Adam."

"We'll find them." Adam threw on a mask of stoicism.

The cabin seemed to be bathed in a wash of sunlight. Dean was struggling with hope. Hope was a dangerous thing. He felt himself rushing headlong toward the house. It was quiet like a still life portrait.  _She's there, she's there._  He repeated in his head as he threw open the door. There was never a moment when he even considered knocking. He would have blasted through the door if it had been locked. Entering the room killed off the last of the hope that he had though. In the center of the space was Pamela tied to a chair, gag in her mouth. "Damn it. No." Dean rushed to her and pulled off the gag.

She started to struggle. Carter spoke to her then. "It's okay, Pamela."

"Carter, is that you?" She stuttered out nearly sobbing with the effort.

"Yeah." He placed his hands on her shoulders as Dean moved to untie her. "Dean is untying you, and Adam is here too."

"I tried to protect her. I tried. I wasn't fast enough. I couldn't see him, so he got me. I yelled at her to run, but she wouldn't run." She was scared and it showed as her voice rose into a cadence of trauma. "She told me that they took her father. The man that came here, he had a gun. He told her not to run. Said he would shoot me if she did."

Dean moved to face her. "Can you tell me anything about him? Anything that we can use to track him would help."

"She knew him. When he came in, she said, 'oh, you.' She wasn't afraid at first. She was later when he threatened me. He had short hair. I pulled some of it out when we fought." Dean looked around the floor by where Pamela was bound. There were a few puffs of hair. He got down low and picked some up.

"Blonde. Shit." He let it fall back to the floor. "You said he had short hair?" At first Dean thought of A with his long, stringy blond hair. Al's hair was long too.  _Maybe they cut it._

"He had an accent. Russian," Pamela added. "I'm sorry, so sorry."

"You did nothing wrong." Dean was ready to rush out of there. This had all gotten much more complicated.  _It was not A or Al_.  _It was also not Ezra as he did not have an accent._  He had not considered Mirov, and now here he was dealing with the unthinkable. It felt like they were all being pulled into a pit from which he saw no means of escape. "Carter, I want you to take Pamela back to Phil then spread the word to everyone you know to be on the lookout for Cas and Lil." He turned to Adam then. "We need to search farther out, warehouses, and abandoned buildings. They'll have them in a place like that. They want something. We have to find them and give them what they want. Let's go."

* * *

Dean and Adam drove through the town and into the less populated region. There were houses here and there. Mostly, though, there was just land and the occasional storage building. "Out past Reggie's pastures you'll see a dirt road that goes off to the east. We should take that." Adam was pointing off ahead of them.

"Why? Doesn't that just peter out at the Griffith farm?" Dean slowed though to make the turn.

"Not really. It has a bunch of trails and such. Reggie hasn't been there in a few months. The place is close to everything, so they might have chosen it. Plus, it has a few things going for it." Dean took the turn.

"Like what?"

"Like an airstrip and a barn. You said that you were looking for warehouses and abandoned buildings. Well, this place has both." The road was rough and the Impala scraped a few times as they snapped into pot holes that were just a little too deep.

"An airstrip?" Dean's mind slipped into a little panic at the thought that either Lil or Cas had been so wholly whisked away. "We should alert someone about the potential for an aircraft being involved. I haven't seen anything flying out of here, so maybe we have been lucky. Maybe they didn't have a plane." Dean glanced at Adam to see if he agreed.

"Maybe. I don't remember any planes laying around when I was here last. Mom and I rode out here on the back trails a while back."

"Rode?"

"Yeah, one time on quads, and the other time was on horseback." Adam pointed over at the barn that stood at the end of the thin dirt runway.

"I'm trying to picture your mom on a quad." Dean smiled a bit, hoping to help Adam feel less tension.

"Don't, it was pretty bad. She drives like a grandma. The horse was a little better." Dean pulled up to the side of the barn and killed the engine. "Well, so much for sneaking up on them. You always drive right up to the front door?"

"Cas' jeep isn't here." Dean got out of the car slamming the door closed in his wake. Adam did the same.

"They could've separated. Maybe one of them took the car somewhere. Maybe it is parked in the barn." Adam looked around nervously.

"They would have heard us driving in regardless. The drive in is loud. That road is just awful." Dean moved toward the barn, pulling out his gun as he went. He waved a hand behind him. "I don't expect there to be anyone in there, but I want you to stay behind me." Adam nodded and complied. Dean pushed the large barn door open with his shoulder, sliding it along its track. Inside the barn was a clean white Cessna. It was a smaller model. Looked like it might hold four passengers. Dean edged toward it, gun held out in front of him. He looked into the windows of the plane and nothing was there. He edged out around the front and saw nothing there either.

Adam stayed behind him. "Dean, the door over there is open."

Dean looked off to the other end of the barn. He stalked toward the door and saw a long dirt road stretching off toward the lake. It seemed like it would wrap around near where he and Cas' home was. He didn't know this other road, and he was really only guessing. "Where does this road end?"

Adam stepped out beside him and looked off at the distant end of it. "It ends at the trailhead, 'bout a mile from your place." Adam turned back to Dean. "You think the person that picked up Lil came from here?"

"Maybe. I'm more worried that he is going to come back here. I don't know what to do. I need to find Cas too. I can't just sit here doing nothing." Dean moved back into the barn. "I also don't know where to look next."

Adam followed him in. "I could stay here, watch the plane. You should go look for Cas." He held out his hand. "You should give me the gun though. No telling what might come back here." Dean just stared at him. Adam just kept his hand stretched out toward Dean. "Look, we're brothers. I think that this is what we are supposed to do for each other. Plus, he might have my mom. I'm not gonna let him take her away from here."

"I don't know, Adam. I don't think that we should separate. Seems dangerous." Dean stepped past him and started walking toward the plane. He wanted to stay and go at the same time, but he didn't want Adam to be at risk.  _Enough people had been at risk because of me._  "You don't even know how to shoot a gun, do you?"

"Mom taught me. I would bet, I'm a better shot than you." Adam looked confident. "I've got this, Dean. I won't take risks. I'll hide over there and wait. I'll call you the moment anything happens. You know that we have to split up. We have to find them, and this is the only way."

Despite his fears, Dean handed the gun over to Adam. "I don't feel good about this. You sure that you know what to do with this?"

"Yes, my mom was an excellent teacher. It was almost like she had been preparing me for the police force. I think that she had a dream of working with me or something." Adam gave Dean a half smile and waved him off. "Now go. I'll call you if anything happens; believe me."

"I'll check in in about an hour if I don't hear from you first. I'm going to take the road back into town and then check out the northern area. Lot's of farmland out there. I'll really only take an hour tops." Dean moved out of the barn quickly before he could change his mind.

"Be careful, Dean."

"You too, Adam."

* * *

Dean felt the tightening of his nerves in the pit of his stomach. The world felt dark despite the full light of day that shown down on the Impala. He drove toward the town and felt the future and the futility of each second that was passing. He was trying to maintain hope. He was trying to feel confident in his choices. He was trying to believe that he hadn't lost everything.  _I'll find you Cas. I'll find you. I swear, I'll find you._ He was nearing the edge of the town again. He considered taking one of the backroads out toward the farmland in the north. There were some plots of land that had big industrial looking warehouses.  _Maybe Cas and Lil would be in one of those. Maybe I'll find them there._  He stopped at a stop sign and had to make a decision. Something pulled at his gut though. He felt like a fish on a line and the pull was guiding him toward the town.

"Where are you, Cas?" He felt the urge to turn toward the town. It made no sense, but he followed his gut. He was piecing together what he knew and it was not adding up. He kept believing that Cas and Lil were together, but he couldn't figure out how. It seemed that Lil had been taken by Mirov. Pamela did not say that Cas had been there.  _Someone else took Cas but why? What could they want? There was blood in the house. Someone was injured. Cas is not there anymore, so it is likely that he is injured. There was blood in the trailer. Garth was likely seriously injured._  Dean worked through the evidence like this as he drew closer to the town.

The streets seemed to be emptier than usual. He wanted to find Garth, pick his brain, but he couldn't do that. He picked up his phone from off the passenger seat and looked down at the message. Sam had said that he was going to find a way to get there fast. The latest message clarified his plan.

Gabe is flying me out there. See you soon.

The message was sent nearly an hour ago. Sammy could be arriving soon. He hoped that Gabe was a better pilot than he was a driver. He shuddered as he thought of Gabe flying his brother anywhere.  _Better not crash with Sammy._  Dean slowed around a turn that then popped him out into the main street. He had no reason to do so, but he pulled over and threw the car into park. That odd feeling, the tug in his gut seemed to be working him over again.  _Nerves._  He thought again about how much time had passed, how much could be happening in that time. It had been nearly two hours since he had arrived at the cabin. He felt his breathing coming to him in starts and stops, a panicked intake felt more like a knife had cut into him.  _You're going to be okay. I'm going to find you. I'm going to find all of you._  It was all pressing down on him, the crushing weight of responsibility for everyone. Missouri, Garth, Lil, and Cas. He sucked in a full lungful of air and held it, wishing his body would settle down. His eyes roamed over the street ahead as he considered his path. Then he saw the jeep, Cas' jeep. He leapt out of the car and rushed toward it.

It was parked across from the bank. It was a local bank that stood at the outer edge of the town. It was also one of the taller structures in the town. The building had been declared a national historic landmark, having been built some time in the 1800s. It was three stories of old world brick. It looked like something out of the old west.

Dean reached for the glovebox and rummaged around for his gun. He usually had a spare there. He found the Colt under his registration papers, pulled it out and slipped it into his pocket. He debated about how to enter the building. There was a primary entrance at the front and a smaller entrance on the side from an alley. He thought that the alley might be locked up and would also draw attention. He decided to head for the main entrance.  _Is Cas even in there?_  He wondered if maybe it was just A or Al or even Mirov. The list of possibilities was long.

He walked with purpose. He let his vision hone in on all of the space between him and the bank. He let his eyes pierce through the windows to determine if any of the shapes within were Cas. He did not have a plan. He just knew that he had to get to him. He had to save him. The feeling that had been driving him onward, the pull in his core, drew him forward with more insistence.  _I'm coming. I'll save you._  He reached out for the too tall door and pulled it open. The bank inside was nearly empty. Joe, the security guard was stationed at the door in his rumpled uniform. The counter was staffed with only one teller. There was a man at a cluttered desk off in the corner behind the teller counter. There were no customers. He felt exposed. Then Joe spoke.

"You looking for Malcolm?"

Dean turned to him quickly making the mental translation of Cas' pseudonym. "Yeah, have you seen him?" Dean tried to sound calm.  _No sense worrying anyone._

"Yeah, he is just getting into his safety deposit box. Should be out in a bit." Joe lifted his hand and chewed on his fingernail. "Guy he went in with seemed to be in a bit of a rush."

"What did he look like? The guy he was with." Dean slipped his hand into his pocket ready to pull the gun the moment he saw any movement from the stairwell across the room. The stairwell was the only way for one to get to the vault that held the safety deposit boxes. It was an odd set-up since one would usually find such things closer to the foundation, just due to the weight alone. The bank had paid a fair amount to reinforce the flooring upstairs to accommodate the vault.

Joe scratched his jaw and answered Dean's question about Cas' companion. "He had long, blonde hair. Pardon my description, but he kind of looked like a skeleton that was barely keeping his skin in place. Someone needs to feed that boy."

Dean pulled out the gun. Joe started and made a move for his own weapon. "Joe, I'm going to need you to get everyone out of here, and I want you to call Phil. Can you do that?"

Joe was confused, "What are you doing? You robbing us?"

"No, the man you described is trouble. He's a wanted man. I aim to get to him before he does any damage. Now, get everyone out. Call Phil." Dean stalked off toward the door, gun clasped in his hands, angled down to the floor. He stopped at the doorframe to the the stairwell, looked back at Joe who was ushering out the teller and the guy from the desk. They looked terrified. Joe gave him a nod as he pushed the others out ahead of him.

Dean slipped into the stairwell, aimed up to the top. It was a small stairwell, carpeted and dark. It reminded Dean of a Prohibition era shotgun hall. He listened for voices or other sounds of movement. It was silent. He lifted his foot to the first step and took each step after with trepidation, fearful that one would creak beneath him, revealing his presence.  _Should have asked if anyone was working up here. Shit._  He was nearing the top. He could hear something now, the sound of a dial tone humming out into the room. He slipped to the other wall, edging along it to the top. He could hear a dial tone from a phone. The sound seemed to be getting louder along with the pounding of his heartbeat. He could now see the phone on the carpet. It was one of those large, mulit-line business phones. The handle of it stretched off across the floor, the base tipped on its side on the carpet. He squinted at it and noticed that it glistened a bit. The base had a smear of blood coating the corner. He did not know what to do. He took a breath, feeling the stab of it deep in his lungs, as he prepared himself for the next step.


	42. Falling Notes, Cas

The town was just ahead. Cas could see it aglow in the early morning light. It was so early, in fact, that he had wondered if the bank would even be open. He wondered if they would go to the cabin first. He hoped that they would, because he would be able to use the place to his advantage. Plus, there was a high likelihood that Dean would be there. He hazarded a question, worrying that it would lead to suffering, since all other attempts at talking had resulted in beatings. His chest and back felt like a patchwork quilt of pain. "Will we go to the cabin to retrieve my keys?"

"No." Al did not speak beyond that one word. He drove on and seemed to watch the rolling landscape with murder in his eyes.

Cas felt bold, and voiced a second thought. "You do know that we need to have the key to gain access to the box right? They won't let me access the box without it, no matter how well they know me."

"Where is the key?" His simple words were delivered with a note of harshness.

"The key is actually in my wallet. I had that on my nightstand. I should also change, as my sweats might cause, as you said, tongues to wag." Cas was calm. His mind was plotting. He was strategizing.

"You think that you are clever." Al still didn't turn to Cas. The land outside the window was slipping by under a glow of golden sunshine. There was snow melting on the banks of the asphalt road. Cas stared ahead.

"No." He kept his response simple.

"Oh, really. I think that you do. I think that you want me to be fool enough to go back to your cabin, where your little boy toy is likely all in a tizzy, just looking for his people. I'm no fool Novak." He turned to Cas now, and his gaze was at once calculating and fierce. "Look in the back seat." Cas turned now and saw M's evidence box, some of his clothes, some loose papers, and his wallet.  _Shit._  "Yeah, I had good reason for being in your home that night. Leverage wasn't the only goal. I needed to get rid of the paper trail that you have amassed. That little box seems rather big for the scant few papers that were in it. I took it anyway."

The box was rather empty.  _Thank God._  Dean had taken most of the contents with him to the city along with most of the evidence that they had compiled. All that was left in the box were their bios, some information on Mirov, and M's musings about them. No one in the city needed that information so it stayed behind in the box. "I don't get why you are doing all of this." He had decided that perhaps something could be gained from the talking. Maybe he would be able to learn where this was all heading.

"You don't need to understand. You just need to do as I say, and maybe I'll let you live."  _He won't._  "I might let Dean or Lil live. Haven't made up my mind yet on all of this."

"What about Missouri and Garth. They aren't in this. They are just innocent bystanders." Cas wanted to distance them as much as possible, hoping against hope that they might be spared should his plans go awry.

"You do as you are told, and, like I said, they will live. How this turns out for them is entirely dependent on you. Now, stop talking." Cas complied and watched the beginnings of the town form up around them. Al turned down a side route that ran parallel to the main street. He seemed to know the lay of the land. He came to what was the end of the town and turned back up to the main street. His eyes swept the area. It was nearly 8:00 am and soon there would be life on the streets. The bank would be open soon enough. Al pulled into a parking space down the road a bit and cut the engine. "Put on the pants." He reached back and snagged the pants, tossing them into Cas' lap.

"Okay." He squirmed in his seat, pulling down the sweats to his ankles. He felt awkward as they sat there. He quickly looped the pants up his legs and wiggled into them. A zip and button later and he was more presentable. He looked into the mirror in the visor and saw the blooming bruise that was covering his cheek. The blood had been washed away, but there was no covering the purple-yellow mass. "What do we say about the bruise if anyone asks?"

"You say that you got into an accident on your motorcycle, and that you need to get into your safety deposit box for the paperwork on the vehicle. Keep it all simple. Only you were involved. Your kid was nowhere near the accident, etc. The less conversation the better. If they don't ask about it, don't offer a word. I don't want you to initiate any conversation. You are only to respond to conversations. You will attempt to remain quiet. Should you say anything that I find the least bit telling, I will kill the person you are speaking with, and I will remove pieces of you. I'll start with your fingers. Now, are we clear?" Cas looked at Al and nodded. "Good. Now let's go."

Al got out first, slamming the door closed behind him. The bank was just a half block down the street. Everything seemed rather dead. No one was out. The flag outside the post office across the street made the only audible sound, a slightly wet sounding slop, slop, slop, followed by a strange clanging noise made by the rope as it slapped the pole in the breeze. The closer they got to the bank the more Cas worried about the next step. He knew the layout of the bank well. He also knew that nothing in the safety deposit box would satisfy Al.

They were fast approaching the door. He could already see Joe, the security guard, leaning on his stool just inside. Al had removed his bindings. His wrists still stung from them. He felt Al's hand on his lower back, a motion that was not intended to convey comfort. It was a reminder to Cas that he was right there, ready to bring on anything, especially pain.

They walked in. Cas let his eyes swoop over the room. The teller was still setting up at her station. There was a man in the corner, not far from her working at a desk. Cas glanced at Joe. "Hey, Malcolm. You're here early." He squinted at Cas' face. Cas didn't reply right away, worried over whether or not Al would see this as an appropriate moment for him to speak. He took a chance.

"Yeah, I just need to get into my safety deposit box." He felt Al's hand on his back again and was about to move in the direction that it was pressing.

"What did you do to your face there?" Joe waved his hand in front of his own face to signify what he meant.

"Oh, nothing, I just had a little accident on the motorcycle. Luckily, it was just me. No one else got hurt." He started to move again, and Joe got up and lumbered along for two steps at his side.

"Ah, my cousin had a motorcycle accident not too long ago. Messed him up something awful. At least you look like you just got a bit bruised." He rubbed at his stubbled jaw and asked, "So, where's Dean? He hasn't popped in in a few days." Joe sent a glance Al's way, as if to ask who this not-Dean person was. It was funny how quickly some of the people had taken to Dean. He hadn't really been there all that long, but it was as though he just fit.

Al chose to interrupt the conversation at that point. "I'm sorry to be rude, but Malcolm here…" He seemed to cringe with the use of the name, his nose flaring up just slightly. "He needs to get into his safety deposit box immediately to take care of some issues with the bike accident. So, he'll have to come back to converse later."

Joe looked a little taken aback by Al's abruptness, but he gave them a slight nod as they made their way to the counter. "Well, guess I'll talk to you later." He threw out as they moved away. Cas just nodded back. They walked up to the teller, her bright smile greeting them immediately.

"Hello, what can I do for you today?" She smiled still wider and rested her hands on the counter.

Cas reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. He removed his key and said, "I need to get into my safety deposit box for some papers, if that is okay. You have someone available yet, or should we come back later?" He felt Al's hand on his back press harder. He knew that he was taking a risk, but her smile made him want to leave. He didn't want Al shooting her or anyone else for that matter. It was all well and good considering actions, bold actions, when real people, with real faces weren't clouding his plans. Now he just wanted to run, find Lil, find Dean, disappear.  _We could do that again._  But Al was there, right there, just seeming to want any excuse to hurt something.

The teller turned from them to the man at the desk. "Is Mellie upstairs already?"

"Yep. She got here before any of us." The man looked over at them past his piles of paperwork and smiled as well. Cas shuddered at the thought that he could be harmed too.

The teller interrupted his thoughts. "You can just head on up. She's likely planted at one of the desks up there, or she'll be back in the files. You know the lay of the land, Malcolm."

The way she said it all made things feel even more difficult. She was familiar. Cas had worked a fair amount of hours in the bank. He had purused parts of the place that even the employees did not. He gave her a nod though and headed for the stairway. It was a small stairway and steep. He stepped into it and began walking up it. Al was at his back leaning into his ear. He whispered, "I can practically hear you thinking. Stop. And don't forget what happens if you start babbling on too much with the civies." Cas shivered a little as the words ghosted over his ear. The sticky feel of Al's breath, the scent of him churned his stomach.

Cas turned to him in the tight space of the stairwell and nodded. "Okay." He turned back and continued mounting the steps. In those seconds he mentally plotted out the lay of the land upstairs. The building had three floors. The first floor was a high ceilinged space with the teller counter dividing the room in two. Most of the workers were on one side, while the customers would be on the other, if any should come in. It would be easy for the employees to find cover, should anything happen upstairs. He was not too worried about them. If any customers came in, that would be another issue.

The second floor had a low ceiling. It was a strange haphazard space that he had spent a fair amount of time in, but that had been over three months prior. He had chosen to help out over at the legal aid office, and they sent him to the bank. They needed help with their status as a historical landmark. He explored and put together some documentation for them. It had been an enjoyable job. It had also afforded him a view of the hidden spaces that most would not know about.

At the top of the stairs, he knew that there would be a large office desk, one of those L-shaped ones that butts up to a wall. It was really too big to be where it was, but Mellie needed the space, and the upstairs really wasn't an easy space to deal with. The front portion was separated from the back by a wall that had been added later. The safety deposit boxes were in the far left hand corner. At the top of the stairs to the second floor, one need only take a slight turn to the right in order to continue the climb to the third floor. Cas debated with himself a little.  _Should we go into the space with the boxes, or should I break from him sooner?_  He could feel Al still pressed at his side. He kept climbing, deciding to make his move after getting him in the other space.

He could hear Mellie typing away on her computer upstairs.  _How do I get her to leave?_  He had his wallet and inside of it were some credit cards, all under the pseudonym. Behind those he had a gift card to the coffee shop. Garth had given it to him some time ago. He considered it and stopped climbing the stairs. "I would like to try to get Mellie to leave so that we may speak freely in the safety deposit room. May I give her a gift card and encouragement to leave for the coffee shop? It would be completely in character for me." Cas whispered this to Al as they stood in the stairwell. He could hear Mellie's typing slow up as she likely heard them creaking up the stairs to her.

It sounded like Mellie was getting up to check on them. It was that sound that perhaps made Al decide quickly. "Yes." Cas turned from Al and continued up the last few steps to Mellie, who was looking down at them now. He smiled. Things were falling into place.

"Mellie, how are you?" He threw his arms around her in a hug, and she hugged him back.

"Long time no see Malcolm. You coming back to do some more work for us?" She released him and smiled, running her hand down his arm as she did so.

"No, got some more pressing business to take care of. I need to get into the safety deposit box." He waved his key out in front of him. They had given him the box after his work had been completed. Mellie handed it off to him saying,  _consider it a perk of having done all of this free work for historical preservation._  At the time he had not planned to use it for anything. He had even told her so. She just handed it off anyway. He wondered if she had remembered how they had opened it, and put a pack of peppermint gum inside of it. They had laughed about the absurdity of it. She was the only one that worked with people who wanted access to the boxes, so she would know if he had added to the box. He really hadn't. She tilted her head just slightly to take him in. Cas reached back and pulled out his wallet. "Here, got you a gift card for some coffee. I knew that you would probably be craving the caffeine this morning."

She took the card and laughed, "You are too much Mal." She walked toward the room with the boxes and Cas and Al followed. "You gonna be in there a bit? I can bring back some coffee for you and your friend too." She laughed a little as she said it, likely thinking about how long one could really stare at a pack of gum.

"Yeah, we might be about 15 minutes, give or take. I wouldn't turn down coffee, if you wanted to go there." He threw her another toothy grin, hoping that she felt his vibe enough to leave and also to know that he was in danger.

She walked into the space containing the boxes after unlocking the large outer door. She shuffled through her giant pile of keys and came up with the one that she needed for Cas' box. She opened his small box and stepped away. "You can do the rest." She looked at Al then and asked, "You want me to bring you back some coffee too?"

"No." Al's one word sounded tight and clipped. Mellie seemed put off by it.

"Well, okay then. I'll be back in ten with coffee." She stepped past Cas and gave him a slight pat on the shoulder. She pushed the door closed as she exited, leaving it only slightly ajar. He could hear her making her way toward the stairwell. He hoped that she would be thinking about the encounter. He hoped that she would put the pieces together. Garth wouldn't be at the coffee house. The owner might be there covering for him. He might say something, if he bothered to try contacting Garth and got someone instead that knew things. He might know things. Cas was hoping a whole lot of things would just happen. They likely wouldn't, but he had to hope.

He moved around the table that took up most of the center of the room. The room seemed to be mostly metal. The table, the doors to all of the safety deposit boxes, and even the door behind Al were all some sort of brushed metal. It gave the room a kind of sterile vibe. Al stayed by the door, seemingly watching Mellie through the crack as she left. He turned back to Cas. "What did you need to discuss?"

"How do I convince you to let me live? I mean, once you have this, what will happen?" Cas rested his hands on the table. He made no moves toward the box. Pulling it out and setting it on the table could be postponed. Postponement would buy time.

"You don't have any means of convincing me to do anything. I am going to do whatever comes naturally. Right now, you live. Uncle has deemed it the most acceptable course. So, get me my papers so we can be done." His tone shift spurred Cas to the box. He reached in and pulled out the long rectangular metal thing and set it on the table. Al drew closer. There was a key slot in the top for Cas' key. He fumbled with it for a moment, wondering how long he could stretch this out for. He knew that Al had his gun in his jacket pocket. His hand was there, likely gripping it. Al had twisted on the silencer before they had left the warehouse.

Cas thought about the third floor. It was a maze of file cabinets and shelving. It was a dusty, mess of a space. No one worked up there. No one even seemed to think about the space. It was just used for storage. Cas had spent some time in it before. He had looked at the old files on the building's earliest customers. He had looked at old plans for the building, and he had found many things of interest. At this moment, he thought that it would be the place to run to for escape. He could lose Al there. He could find something weaponish, maybe. He considered the items on the shelves from all of those months ago, and he made a path for himself. It had been less than a minute since Mellie had left. His mind formed plans and actions. He looked down at the box in front of him. The handle on the front edge was sticking out a bit from having been used to pull it out of its tight space. He reached for it and pulled it closer.

His eyes locked on Al. He stopped fumbling and put the key in, twisted slowly and pulled it out. Al moved to Cas' side. Cas did not open the lid. "Open it." Al reached for it, but Cas opened it before his hand could get there.

"Fine." He threw the lid back with one hand and with the other gripped the handle. Al's face dropped a little to take in the contents. His brows came together in confusion. The pack of gum sat there, right where he had left it. Cas took no time deciding how to proceed. He pulled the box out to the side and swung it back with all the force he could muster so that it came into swift contact with Al's head.

The noise of the hit was so loud that it might have been heard outside of the room if there had been anyone up there. Thankfully, there wasn't. Al stumbled back. Cas pulled the box back again and swung out for a second hit. A small pop of air whizzed by him. He turned and saw the pock mark of a bullet hole in one of the safety deposit boxes behind him. He let the box swing out hard, and it came into contact with the side of Al's face. Al staggered back more, hitting the wall of safety deposit boxes behind him and slumping down a little. Al pulled the gun out now and another small pop of air sounded. Cas felt this one push him back into the wall behind him. He fell a little, but managed to keep himself mostly upright by grabbing the table. There was blood, small spots of it dotted the once clean space that he had thought was too sterile.

He rushed toward Al then, gripping the spot in his side that now had the early blooming spread of crimson. Al grabbed at him, but he was not moving with any great speed. Cas shoved him crawling past him, over him, pain now spreading a little from his wound. Al's hands latched onto Cas' legs.  _I just have to get him upstairs._  He broke free from Al's grasp and pulled himself out of the room. He did not want to go downstairs. Al was still capable of doing much damage. Another pop of air went past him and entered the wall above his head. The blood was not flowing from him too quickly, so he was able to operate on adrenaline. He kept scrambling away. He got up and stumbled toward the stairwell, knocking the phone off of Mellie's desk as he went.

He darted up the stairs. He could hear Al moving. He knew that time was of the essence. He had to hope that Al would not pause in his efforts to call A. He had to hope that he would move toward the front of the building. He had to hope that he would be brave enough in the final moment to follow through, despite what following through would mean.  _At least they might be safer. One less bastard hunting her, hunting him. It'll be worth it._

He reached the top of the stairs and turned to look back. Al was at the bottom of the stairs, blood flowing from the gash that the box had made in his head. He was bracing himself in the doorway, aiming the gun up at him. Cas moved out of the stairwell and into the third floor just as the bullet pierced the wall behind where he had been standing. Cas gripped his side, trying to keep pressure on the wound. He was starting to feel a little dizzy. The adrenaline, though, was keeping him going. He stumbled past the rows of shelves that stretched up to the ceiling. There were boxes and old ledgers stacked on them. Dust blanketed everything. He moved toward the back of the room, snaking his way through the shelves so as not to give Al a clear shot.

The space was dark despite the four windows that broke up the space at the front of the room. Had they been less dusty, one could have easily seen the whole of the main street below and the snowy mountain ranges just beyond the town. Cas tucked himself behind a shelf and waited. Al spoke out into the quiet room. "You fucking idiot. You want to know how you can live. Come out now, or I'll kill you slowly." Cas did not respond. He could hear Al moving through the room will deliberate slowness. If he made it to the end of the room, he would see Cas. The window in the corner was sending out a soft glowing rectangle his way. "You remember how much you wanted promises concerning your friend's survival. I am starting to consider all sorts of fun for them. The girl will get a lot of special attention when we find her."

Cas reached out to the shelf and quietly pulled the old brick up into his hand. The shelf had a number of odd historical pieces. There were parts from an old wagon, a spur, a few bricks that had been removed during the remodeling of the second floor. There had been talk of moving the items to the local museum. It hadn't happened yet. The brick was smaller than most bricks. It fit in his hand nicely. He would hit him harder this time, he thought. Al's voice slurred out into the room again. "You seem to be bleeding a bit there, Cas, old boy. If I just follow the trail, I should find you in no time." The words seemed to be getting closer to him. He moved just a little into a crouch that he could spring up from once Al stood before him.

He could hear the footsteps nearing his space. The shelf was so full that Al would not be able to see past it until he stood in front of it. Then Cas heard a noise. There was another sound of movement in the space. It sounded like the creak of the stairwell. He heard the whispered call as if it were a shout, and the voice was all too familiar. "Cas." He could also hear Al snicker just slightly. He was near Cas' shelf now. He stepped into the space between the light of the window and Cas but did not look toward Cas. He stared instead toward the stairway, gun raised, waiting for Dean to emerge from the stairwell into the room.

"Well, hello Dean. Two birds with one stone." Al's smirk was highlighted by the dim light from the window. It cast him into shadows adding an extra air of the sinister to his blood soaked features.

"Where's Cas?" Dean was apparently in the room now too. Cas could not see him. Al's gun was aimed toward what Cas assumed was Dean.  _Why didn't he shoot?_

"Put the gun down, and I'll tell you. Of course, you'll want to hurry. He is bleeding out even as we speak." Al did not lower his weapon, and apparently, Dean did not lower his.  _That must be why he hasn't pulled the trigger. Don't set it down, Dean._  It was a prayer that he hoped Dean might hear, a longing sent out with all of the force of his will.

"Tell me where he is first."

"That's not how this works. He will die in just a short time, if he doesn't get to the hospital. You need to decide now whether or not you will be playing the hero." Al took another step back. He was now exactly where Cas had wanted him, but he worried that he might not be able to do what he had planned without endangering Dean.

"You won't tell me. You'll just kill me, so it looks like we are at a standstill." Dean's words moved through the room to Cas' ears. He hoped that Dean would understand. He wished that they had more time, more words. He trusted that he would find Lil. He trusted that he would be okay. He felt the muscles in his legs tense up with the anticipation of his next move. Al's head turned ever so slightly toward him and caught sight of him just as he flung the brick at Al's head. He had hoped that he might hit Al, avoid stage two of his plans. Al ducked and the brick crashed through the window. A bullet ricocheted off the back wall as Dean apparently shot at Al.

Al dipped down a little and fired back. Cas leapt from his space with all of the force he could muster and slammed his body into Al. The two of them fell together on a scream. The window, already broken out, welcomed them through its gaping maw. Cas' hands were wrapped up in Al's coat. Al's back was angled toward the ground. The last thing Cas saw was Al's smirk and blood and then darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will likely just be one chapter left after this one. Then a hiatus that will be used to begin working on the final installment in this series. Thank you all for the feedback thusfar and the constant encouragement that has made me push myself through chapter after chapter.


	43. Falling Notes, Dean

Sometimes the way one's heart slows down during stages of shock, is not so unlike moving one's finger down the keys of a piano. The press of only low keys, the sound, a grumble that slips under one's skin. Dean felt like that. He had rushed toward them thinking that he could stop their trajectory. He was not fast enough. He watched Cas' fall and heard his scream, but worst of all was the stillness and quiet in the aftermath. The immobility of his own body as he just stared down at them.

The fall was not quite three stories. Yes, they were on the third floor, but the first floor had high ceilings, and the second floor had low ceilings. If one were to be technical about it, standing on the third floor, was like standing on the roof of a two story building. It is possible to survive a fall from that height if one were incredibly lucky. Al did not appear to have been lucky that day. He landed on his back, flat on the pavement below. There was a splash of blood pooling out from where his head rested. Not much else of him was visible. Cas' body was covering most of him.

Dean stared down at them from the broken window for seconds that felt like minutes, that felt like days. His world was a low growl of blood in his ears. He thought that he might be screaming down to them. He thought that there was noise, but it wasn't registering. He was moving at some point. Time had passed. His body was hurtling back to the stairwell. His shoulder slammed into the wall as he threw himself forward taking two then three steps at a time, nearly falling with each move. He slammed through the front doors of the bank and into the street. Their bodies were there and now he froze, his forward momentum like a sudden vice on his heart. He couldn't move closer; too much would be confirmed.

There were people coming out now, faceless bodies filling the streets. Dean thought that some of them were trying to talk with him. Finally he snapped out of the shock a little and fell at Cas' side. He reached out with shaking hands to him. Touching his arm first, before yelling out to anyone that could hear him, "Someone call for an ambulance." He could hear the shuffling of feet and voices. He did not look out to see who was there who was not. There was just Cas, still and his own hands unwilling to gain confirmation of a pulse. He kept his fingers lightly on Cas' arm, though.

The ambulance came and Dean was relegated to the sidelines. Blood covered his hands from where he had pressed them into Cas' side while he waited for the ambulance to arrive. The bleeding had seemed minor, but he worried that it did not tell the tale of what was happening inside of Cas. He worried that more damage would be discovered and that all would be lost. He did not ride with the ambulance, but instead got into the Impala and tore off in their wake.

On the seat beside him was a blood streaked phone. He had pulled it out of Al's jacket. He thought that he could use it to track A, but really he had no time to think about that now. There was too much happening at once, and he was not functioning completely coherently. It all just came down to needing to be in the hospital, needing to see Cas open his eyes, needing to make this all alright.

And time passed. The drive felt long. The movement from the parking lot at the hospital to the interior seemed to take ages. The halls were long and cavernous despite the bright white lights illuminating everything. They would not let him follow Cas all the way in. He found a wall near the large double doors that they rushed through and he leaned against it. There was no sound making its way into his ears, just the silence of dread as he stood there fiddling with his jacket sleeve.

His phone buzzed. He felt it. He pulled it out of his pocket and looked down at the name on the screen.  _Sam._  It buzzed again, and Dean answered it. "Sam." His voice a cracked mess in even just that one syllable.

"Where are you, Dean? I'll come to you." Sam sounded like he understood everything without hearing anything more than just his name on Dean's lips.

"I'm at the Sutter Hospital. You know where that is?" Dean was starting to hear other noises now, the beeping of machines in rooms and the undercurrent of the fluorescent lights humming away in the ceiling.

"I'm on my way." He could hear Sam moving about even through the phone. He could hear Sam telling someone to drive to the hospital. "Gabe's with me. He's driving." Dean could hear a screech of tires. "Damn it, Gabe. Be careful." A deep breath of air and Sam continued, "What happened?"

Dean felt the world coming back into focus. "It's Cas. He's hurt." He stopped explaining and felt himself choking on a breath.

"What about Lil? Is Lil okay?"

Dean tried to push down the tide of emotions that threatened to overtake him. "Mirov took her. I haven't found her. Missouri and Garth are being held somewhere. God knows where. I don't know what to do, Sam. It's all just fucked to Hell, and I'm just standing here freaking out."

"I'm almost there, Dean. We'll fix this. We'll find Lil. We'll find Missouri and Garth. Cas will be okay." Sam was trying his best to sound confident. Dean could tell that it was a speech for his benefit.

"You didn't see the fall. People don't typically survive a fall like that." The door to the ER burst open next to him as two doctors rushed in. He caught a couple words of their talk as the doors swung shut behind them.

"Fall caused some major internal injuries."

"I can't lose him, Sam. It'll kill me." With that he fell into silence.

Neither of them hung up, but they also didn't speak for a time. For Dean it was enough to know that Sam was there with him, even if just on the phone. Finally, Sam's words broke the silence, "We just parked. We're on our way in." Sam sounded like he wanted to say more, but he didn't.

Dean stared down the hall in the direction that he knew his brother would come from. When Sam emerged, he felt a stab in his gut, not of relief as much as release. Sam strode up to him and threw his long arms around Dean in a tight hug. Dean crumbled into it, letting himself cry a little in his brother's arms. "I'm here, Dean. It'll be okay. I promise. It'll be okay." His words were spoken in a soothing tone down into Dean's hair.

"I should've never come back. I brought this to them. I brought this evil into their lives. It should be me dying, not him. It should be me."

"Shut up, Dean. They did this, Al and A and Brady. You didn't bring this poison into their lives; they did. They are poison, and we're going to take them out. We're the good guys. You are a good guy, and don't you forget it." He let himself stay in Sam's arms for a few more moments before he steeled himself again. He had to pull it together.

He could feel the world pressing in on him from all angles. The pressure was crushing him, the cracks and fissures widening in his once solid being. Just the tiniest bit more and he would be crushed into a fine powder that would be blown away on the next current of wind. He pushed himself away from Sam and looked at the doors that separated himself from Cas. Gabe moved closer to them. He clapped a hand to Dean's shoulder. "He has to be okay, Dean. He's a strong bugger. I don't think that he is anywhere near done with all of us."

"Thank you, Gabe." Dean shrugged away from Gabe's hand.

"Where do you think A is?" Gabe put his hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heels. He seemed to be donning an air of calmness, like this was all just a normal conversation. Dean sensed that he was just filling the space of time and worry with words.

"I don't know. I have Al's phone. I need to give it to Phil to run a trace." Dean looked to Sam and added, "Adam is staking out a plane that we found at a farm. I thought that it might belong to Mirov. I need to be doing something. God…" Dean walked over to the wall next to Sam and punched it, then he stormed off down the hall. He couldn't just stand there. He couldn't just let the rest of his people die because of him. He felt the familiar buzz of his phone in his pocket. He reached for it and realized as he did so that it wasn't his phone. It was Al's. He pulled it out and saw the light of the screen displaying the number that was calling. There wasn't a contact name attached to it. He did not know what would be best.  _Answer. Let it ring._ He felt worry rising up in his stomach. The fear of making the wrong choice yet again.  _Who would die this time,_  he thought.

He stopped in front of a window at the end of the hall and gripped the phone. He stared at it and let his finger hover over the button. He pushed it. Raising the phone to his ear he heard the quick words that were spat out into his ear, "'Bout goddamn time. Get your ass back here. The woman injured me. I'm tracking her."

Dean hesitated before speaking, not sure what would happen if he did. Then an idea formed in his head. "A, you bastard." He paused, waiting for him to register that the voice was not Al's.

"Where's my brother?" The voice dropped low and angry. Dean had heard movement before while A spoke. Now there was a type of stillness plummeting down the line.

"I have him. You want him back, you'll give me my people." Dean leveled his voice, careful to show no fear or wavering. This would go his way or no way. A did not know yet that his brother was dead.

"Put my brother on the phone." A's voice, a deep growl, snaked its way over Dean's ear.

"No can do. You see, your brother is not exactly conscious right now. So, you're going to have to operate on trust right now. So, tell me where you are, and I will bring Al to you. You will give me my people and leave. There will be no compromise."

"Dean, you stupid fuck."

"Insults will get you nowhere, A. You have something that I want, and I have something that you want."

"I'm going to kill them now. That cop lady. Yeah, when I find her, she's gone. That scrawny kid you thought could watch over your boy and his little girl. Yeah, gone. I have the girl too. You will have to live with knowing that she died because of you, you stupid fuck."

"Wow, you are like the one-stop shop for insults." Dean thought about the words and realized that he had gotten to A. He adopted an antagonistic tone. He wanted to goad him into a meeting. He wanted him to give up, give him his location. "You don't have her. Lil is nowhere near you. You never had her. So, you can make all the threats you want, or you can listen to how this is really going to go."

There was a long moment of silence. Then, A spoke calmly, almost like he was trying to soothe a fussy child, "My brother and I will enjoy watching you die. So, sure bring him here. I'm looking forward to seeing this all play out. You'll find me at the end of Parson's Way. If you bring anyone but my brother, I'll kill your people. Might do it regardless. You never know." Dean pulled the phone from his ear and saw that A had hung up.

He slipped the phone into his pocket and stalked back over to where he had left Gabe and Sam. "You okay, Dean?" Gabe asked quietly.

"Not so much." He paused and looked from Sam to Gabe. "I gotta do something stupid now. I need you to let me. I need you both to keep an eye on Cas. Don't let anything happen to him."

"Dean?" Sam took a decisive step toward Dean and Dean took a step back.

"No, Sam."

"What are you doing? We gotta know." Sam looked desperate. Dean did not back down.

"Just got off the phone with A. I have a location. He thinks that I am bringing his brother to him. We are going to exchange prisoners." Dean began to move away to head off to A and all that that would hold.

Sam grabbed his arm and swung him back. "What the hell. No fucking way. You can't do that. Al is dead. He sees that and he's going to go ape shit. You can't take him on alone."

"I can, and I will." Dean turned to Gabe. "Make him understand." He turned to leave again, but Sam stopped him again.

"I can't let you do that, Dean. It's a death sentence, not just for you, but for maybe Garth and Missouri too. At least let me go with you." Sam was growing more desperate by the second. His pleading extended to his eyes and his grip on Dean hurt.

Dean shook him off and pushed him back to the wall. "Let go. He said he'd kill them if I brought anyone. I need you here if this goes sideways. 'Cause if it does, he's going to come here next and finish things with Cas. At the very least he would come here looking for his brother. So, I need you and Gabe here. If I think that Cas isn't safe, I'll be distracted. I'll fail. I need to end him. I need to end this."

Gabe stepped between them then. "We got this here, Dean. Do what you must." He turned to Sam and added, "You have to let him. We'll contact the police in an hour, send them your way. Where will you be?"

"End of Parson's Way." Dean nodded to Gabe as he took a step back. "Thanks." He stalked off, down the hall and out into the street knowing that Gabe and Sam were watching him go.

* * *

Dean thought of the drive, and how it would end. He thought about the confrontation. He thought about the fact that he had nothing to trade. Lives could be lost, but, he thought,  _I'm going down swinging._  He had gotten more gear out of the trunk of the Impala before leaving the area. He had some guns, a rifle, and a police issued bullet-proof vest. He loaded the rifle and set it within easy reach on the passenger's seat. He put on the vest and slipped a second shirt on over it. He put on his shoulder holster, slipped the second gun into place, and got into the car. His other gun he held until he got into the car where he tossed it onto the seat beside him.

He drove off toward Parson's Way. The land blurred past him. The miles a measure of time that was being taken from him. He was afraid of what his actions now would bring. He thought of Cas' face as he ran at Al. He thought of all the moments that lead to this. He thought again,  _I'm poison. I'm poison. I'm poison._  The turn to Parson's Way was visible now. He slowed as he approached it, seeing the emptiness. The forest was patchy out here. There were fields and scattered clumps of trees. A small creek ran along the side of the road. It was almost more like a water filled ditch. There was a small bridge over it and a long gravel road, Parson's Way, that ran off to a distant metal warehouse and grain silo.

Dean turned onto the road. Suddenly, Missouri was running at the car from a thin stand of trees. He stopped and shut off the car, jumping out to her quickly. "Dean!" She rushed to him.

He pulled her in and back to the car. "I got you." He opened the door and pushed her in, none too gently. "You need to get out of here."

"You can't go in there alone. He's in the woods past the warehouse. He's waiting for you or me or both." Missouri started to get up. Dean did not want her help. He worried that she would force the issue, endanger herself for his cause.

"You can't help me." He looked off past her and saw a plane rising up on the horizon. "Shit." She followed his gaze.

"What is it?"

"You need to take my car to the Griffith place. I left Adam there. Told him to watch a plane that might belong to someone that is mixed up in all this. I was really trying to keep him safe." Dean stopped, and Missouri's eyes roamed back to where Dean had been looking. She took in the plane, and seemed to realize what it all could mean.

"Oh God, no. Not Adam."

She looked back at Dean, her eyes holding a bit of panic. "Go. I'll find you both when this is done."

"Look to the trees. Garth is in the office in the warehouse." She pulled the door to the Impala closed and started her up. She whipped the car back over the bridge and tore down the road leaving dust in her wake.

Dean began making his way to the trees. He could hear the wind in the branches. He pulled the gun out of his holster and held it out in front of him as he moved into and through the thin forest. There was a crow high up in the branches. It cawed loud out into the sky. Dean paused in his movements and listened.

Wind and branches shaking in the breeze could be heard. Beyond this there was nothing. He crept closer, and when he could clearly see the front of the warehouse, that was when A choose to take his shot. The bullet whizzed past his head, embedding itself in the trunk of the tree just behind him. He jumped behind a large redwood, pressing his back to the rough bark.

His jacket buzzed. He slowly reached into his pocket and pulled out Al's phone. There was a text that read. "I see you. Where's my brother?"

Dean put the phone back and called out into the forest, "Thought maybe you and I should talk first. Come out where I can see you."

A answered by taking another shot, this one hit the side of his tree. The bark chipped off and hit him in the face. A bit of blood trickled down to his chin. He swiped at it with the back of his hand. He scooted down into a crouch and edged out a little, hoping to see where A was shooting from. Another bullet clipped the tree.

"I don't need to kill you. You just have to give me what I want." Dean called out again. A shot at his tree again.  _Four shots._ He looked at the mark in the tree that the last shoot made. He calculated the caliber, all estimates, of course. He waited. The whole left by the bullet seemed like it came from a 45.  _Could have seven or eight in the magazine._ He scooped up a rock that was near his foot. He eased back up into a standing position again.

"I'm going to enjoy killing you Winchester." A's voice echoed through the expanse between them. Dean registered in his mind where he thought A was and tossed the rock out that way. A shot again.  _Five. Do I run on seven or eight?_  "I'm going to kill everything you love."

Dean quickly shot without aiming toward the voice. "Did I get you, you bastard?" A answered with the sixth shot. Dean knew that he would run on seven, and that if A had eight shots, he could be done. It was a risk, but waiting meant that A could reload. This all presupposed that A had only one gun too. The plan had flaws. Dean was over caring about his own safety. He knew that he could get to him, do some damage before A could stop him.

The wind stilled and Dean waited. The silence was broken by the boisterous caw of a crow just overhead. That lead to the seventh shot. Dean pressed off of the tree and dashed through the woods. He saw A. He pointed the gun at Dean and shot. He had an eighth. It struck him in the chest and sent him flying back. Dean rolled with the fall, breath coming in now painful stabs. The vest saved him, but he was still injured.

Dean rolled to the side though and squeezed off a shoot at A. He missed, just slightly. He crawled toward him. Dean's arms stretched out in front of him, he took another shot. This one hit A in the arm. Dean forced himself up with all that he had left within him, and rushed toward the now bleeding man. A's face twisted into anger as Dean crashed into him. "Why won't you just die, Winchester?"

"You first." Dean's gun got knocked to the ground. A threw a punch that made contact with Dean's jaw. Dean stumbled back, then rushed him again, slamming him back into a tree. The oomph noise that A made blew past his face. Dean punched out at his chest. He landed three solid hits, before A managed to swerve away from the fourth. Dean's first connected with the tree. A lashed out and caught Dean in the face again. He stumbled back again. This time A did not come at him. He moved away toward the warehouse. Dean scrambled for the gun and aimed it at A. "Stop." Dean stood now. He moved toward A. He held the gun out steady, ready to fire.

A turned around to face Dean, slowly. "What now?" His lip curled up into a tiny smile. "You really got it in ya, Dean-o?" He raised his hands up over his head, but it was mocking and he added to the move by rolling out his bottom lip in a pout. "You won't shoot an unarmed man."

Dean heard the distant sound of sirens approaching. Sam and Gabe must not have waited the full hour. Dean started to lower the gun. A laughed a little, and Dean pulled the trigger. "Oops. Didn't see that one coming, did you?" Dean took two steps closer. A lay on the ground at his feet. blood pumping from his shoulder. Dean aimed again, this time at his chest. "It'll look like self-defence, and no one would question it."

"You would, though. You'd always know what you did, and you would never get over it. I'd break you." A laughed at him again, a pained spasm of sound.

"Actually, that is where you are wrong." But Dean didn't get to make good on that plan. Phil and a couple of cruisers from the county roared into the yard, sirens blazing. Dean kept his eyes trained on A, while the officers approached, guns drawn.

Phil lead two others over to Dean. The two officers cuffed A and hauled him, none too gently, to one of the cars. Phil clapped Dean on the shoulder. "You done good. Ya find Garth?"

"Not yet. Missouri said he was in the warehouse." Dean jogged over to the building just ahead of Phil. They found Garth tied and in a heap on the floor. Dean undid the ropes and hoisted Garth up into his arms to carry him out. "God, Garth, what'd he do to you?" His face was a mess of cuts and a patchwork quilt of bruises. His eyes were swollen shut. His hands appeared to have been crushed. He was unconscious, but he was breathing. Shallow puffs of breath seeped out as Dean carried him back out and to one of the empty cruisers. "You have to tell them to be careful. A is more dangerous than he looks." Dean looked to Phil then over to the other cruiser. Phil walked over and spoke with one of the officers. A was already in the back. It looked like he was still cuffed. He gave Dean a wink through the window. Dean lowered Garth into the back seat and told the officer that would be driving the vehicle to get Garth to the hospital.

Dean turned away and walked to Phil's car. Phil returned. "You ready?"

"Yeah. we need to get to Missouri."

"Where is she?" Dean gave Phil the details as they drove off down the road. The other cruiser went on without them, back to town where A would be locked up.

They turned up the long graveled road toward the barn where the plane had been. Dean was certain that the plane that took to the horizon had been the one that he and Adam had seen earlier. He squinted against the glare of sunlight that reflected off of the metal roof on one of the out buildings and almost didn't see Missouri in front of it. "My God." He breathed out as Phil slammed the car to a halt. Dean jumped from the car and ran to her. She had Adam in her arms.

"I called for an ambulance. Why haven't they come?" She was weeping and her voice was cracking through each syllable. Adam was cradled across her lap. His arms hung at his sides. Missouri was pressing at the side of Adam's chest. Blood had soaked through his shirt and was staining the powdery dirt beneath them a deep crimson. She rocked him back and forth, murmuring near incoherent words into his hair, kissing him on each breath. Dean caught a few words from her, "My baby, my baby, my boy. Keep breathing. Keep fighting."

Dean wrapped an arm around her. Phil was on his radio checking on the ambulance. Phil came down to their level and rested a hand on Adam's leg saying, "Said they'd be here in minutes." They could hear the siren in the distance now.

Dean thought that he never wanted to hear that sound again. He wanted to run. He wanted to find a dark place far from all of this with only the stars to cover his life. He wanted to go where no one could be hurt by his choices or circumstances. He wanted to know that he left behind a world that would be safer without him in it. The sirens screamed and something in his soul screamed out with it. He looked down at his brother's face and felt the painful stab of regret.  _You never deserved this. You never should have known this life. God, I'm so sorry._  He wanted to tell Missouri that he was sorry too, but the words were choked off in his throat as she cried and rocked her only child.

They got Adam into the ambulance. Dean took his keys back from Missouri. Phil said he'd make sure that A was securely locked up. Dean nodded. "I'm going to head to the hospital, check on all of them." Dean squeezed the bridge of his nose and pulled in a sharp stab of air into his lungs. He was beginning to make decisions. He wanted to find a path to fixing all of this.

The world that he brought to his people was crumbling. It did not matter that they had slowly chipped away at their enemies. There was always some new threat, some new darkness, unexpected, that threatened to blast up from under them, overtaking all their progress. He knew that he had to find Lil. Then, he figured he could disappear. He could give Cas the chance to start again. There would always be Carter or someone like him that could help Cas forget, move on, be safe. He felt like they had done this before, but this time would be different. Last time, Cas left when it should have been Dean. Dean stayed behind with all of his friends and Cas' too. He lived, kind of, while Cas found exile.

Dean drove on toward the town. He worried that exile would not be enough. He worried about that decision a great deal. He gripped the steering wheel, content for now to just make things as right as he could. He flicked on the radio to fill the silence over the last eight miles. The talk radio station would do. The host sounded familiar. Dean let himself focus on the cadences of his voice for a moment.  _Frank._  He was hearing the story that they had passed onto Frank at the station. Frank was telling the world of Ezra Brady's crimes, the vile acts of A and Al, and the giant world of corruption that Ezra had fashioned from his roots in Brazil.

He raced down the road, listening to Frank's dry voice as it carefully laid out the whole story. He took a caller and answered a question about why none of these people had been arrested yet. He hypothesized that no one with the power to pursue these men had been informed and that now that the truth was out there, things would have to be done. Dean found himself smiling for a moment as he thought about the absolute wreck that Ezra must be right now. He pulled to a stop in one of the empty stalls in the hospital parking lot. Frank went to a commercial break, and Dean shut off the car.

* * *

They camped out in the waiting room all night. Bobby and Jess showed up the next morning. The doctor said that Missouri could go in and see Adam. They had stopped his bleeding and were just hoping that he was strong enough to ride out the healing process. He was young though, or so the doctors said. He could heal. Garth was conscious and Dean and Sam took turns watching over him. He didn't speak, as his jaw was wired shut from the injuries he sustained during the beating.

Cas was another story entirely. There were extensive internal injuries, or so they assumed since the doctor said that he could only share information with family. Garth gave permission for sharing and visiting so it was easy with him. The doctor stood in front of them and said, "I'm sorry, I know that it seems cruel, but it is the law.

"We are family." Dean spoke low and intimidating.

"I'm sorry, but you already said that you weren't." A mistake that Dean seriously regretted. He hadn't been thinking. He was freaking out over the lack of information when the doctor arrived in the waiting room and he just erupted with truths. Well, not really truths. They were family in all the ways that truly mattered. He was already plotting how he would defy all of them and strong arm his way into Cas' room, but that would not get him information.

Bobby spoke up then. "He doesn't like to share his personal information with strangers, but Cas is his husband. So, I'll kindly ask you to start sharing the details on my nephew in-law before we sic our family lawyer on you." He thumbed at Sam who stepped up to Bobby's side and nodded.

"Oh, you have different last names." The doctor said as he looked at Dean, trying to decipher whether or not he was getting the truth.

"We're not exactly traditional. Now, please, tell me how he is." He could see that the doctor was visibly moved.

"Fine. You can come with me into his room, and I'll go over his injuries with you there. You can keep him company." When they reached the room, Dean could not tear his eyes away from Cas and the many wires and machines hooked up to him. He had a breathing tube fished down his throat. His chest was covered in a hospital gown, but wires snaked under it, presumably connecting him to the heart monitors and such that beeped away at his side. The steady hum and puff of the breathing machine sent out a steady rhythm into the room. Dean closed his eyes for a moment and bit back the beginnings of tears.

"Tell me he'll be okay." Dean moved to his side and rested his hand on Cas' arm.

"We don't know for sure. He is currently in an induced coma. It is more comfortable that way. Otherwise, he would be in a great deal of discomfort. We are running tests on the internal injuries. The fall did some damage. Luckily, he landed on something softer than pavement. He also fell from a survivable distance. Much more and there would have been no hope for a recovery. So, now, we wait and hopefully your husband is a fighter." The doctor left not long after. Dean let the words play out in his head.

He leaned in close to Cas' cheek and said, "Be a fighter. Come back from this." He kissed him and ran his hand down to Cas' where he threaded their fingers together. He refused to leave his side even when the nurses came in and told him that his family was asking after them. Dean stayed for two full days crumpled at Cas' side. He pressed prayers into his skin and hope and longing and need. He never asked him to come back to him though, just to come back, just to stay. On the second day, he left the room to see his family. He owed them that much. He entered the waiting room and found them all in various stages of disarray.

Gabe got up first. "You son of a bitch. Couldn't even come out and tell us a damn thing for two whole days." He was shouting at Dean. Dean took it. Gabe's fists beat at his chest. Dean accepted that too. Sam pulled Gabe back.

"Let him talk, Gabe." And to Dean Sam added, "Tell what's happening."

"Is Adam okay?" Dean stalled.

"He's conscious and talking. He told Missouri what happened. He's going to be okay. He's beating himself up about the whole thing though. You should talk to him." Sam reached out to Dean and held his forearm. "Tell us about Cas."

Dean felt himself sag a little. Days without normal rest, the stress of the events prior, the lack of any real food, had finally tipped him to the breaking point. "We're losing him, I think." Sam pulled him in. He felt another hand on him, maybe Gabe's. He let himself cry. "He's in a coma, and they haven't figured out how to fix the damage to all of his internal organs. There's internal bleeding that they think has been stopped, but I don't know. It feels so hopeless." He stepped back from Sam and looked at Gabe. "I'm sorry."

Gabe's cheeks were wet with tears. "No, I'm sorry.

"I'll tell the doctor to let you all visit him. Maybe he'll hear you and know that he has something to come back for." Dean squeezed his hands into fists at his sides. "I'm gonna go see Adam." Sam nodded and walked him out of the waiting room and down the hall to where Adam was. Dean entered the room cautiously. Sam turned and headed back the way that they had come, likely to go see Cas.

"Hey, Dean." Missouri's voice was quiet but welcoming. He walked closer to the bed.

Adam was propped up with pillows, "Dean." When he said it, it sounded sad, defeated.

"I'm so sorry, Adam. I'm so sorry that you got sucked into my messed up life." Dean felt his body sag with the words.

"What are you saying?" Adam eased up into a taller sitting position. Missouri immediately moved to help him.

"Be careful. You don't want to dislodge your wires," she admonished as she pulled the blankets up more.

"You know this wasn't your fault, right?' Adam leveled his gaze on Dean.

"I know that you would have been happy and safe with your mom if I hadn't decided to insert myself into your life. Now you've been shot and hospitalized, two things that most people go a whole lifetime without experiencing."

Adam reached out a hand to Dean. Dean took it carefully. Adam said, "We're family. Guess this makes me a true Winchester." He tried to laugh it off, but Dean looked more upset. He released Adam's hand. "Look Dean, it's me that should be apologizing."

"How so? You didn't do anything wrong." Dean's eyebrows came together in a pained expression.

"I didn't stop him. I tried, but I didn't stop him. He had Lil, and I told him that I would shoot. I should have shot, but I was afraid of missing and hitting her. I was more afraid too of just shooting anyone for that matter. It isn't the same as hunting. I panicked. That was all he needed. He shot me and took Lil away." Adam looked like he was seeing it all play out again. He reached up to his face and rolled his fists into his eyes.

"That's on me, Adam. I should have been there or at least not left you there. I'm sorry." Dean reached down and squeezed his leg. "Did he say anything to you before he took Lil?"

Adam perked up a little. "Yes, a lot. I think that he just wanted to get her away. He didn't sound like he wanted to hurt her. He told me that I needed to just let him go. I told him that he couldn't take Lil from her dad. He told me that she would be with family. And he emphasized this,  _her real family._  She looked at him when he said this and told him that she wanted to be with her dad. I swear it had an impact. I almost thought that he was going to let her go, but he didn't. He moved her closer to the plane. That was when I should have taken the shot, but I didn't. Instead, he shot me. He walked over to me after it was done and kicked away my gun. He got down close to me and pulled off my overcoat. He wadded it up and pressed it to my wound. He made me hold it and then he said, 'I aimed to injure you. You'll survive this. Tell them not to come for her. She's safer with me.' He got up then and walked to the plane. He turned back and added, 'Tell them that I said thank you for protecting her.'"

"Damn. Cas was maybe right about him." Dean looked to Missouri. "So, the injury is healing up okay?"

"Yeah, he wasn't wrong about his aim. The doctor said that it was possibly the best place to get shot at if one had to get shot in the torso." Missouri rubbed absently at Adam's arm as she spoke. "He'll be okay, Dean."

"I have to go find her." Dean said to them both as he looked off at the window. "For Cas."

"For Cas," Adam echoed as he nodded at Dean. Gabe came into the room behind him and walked over to the bed.

"Sam wanted me to come ask you if you wanted anything to eat." Gabe looked from one to the next.

"I could stand to stretch my legs a bit. I'll go get some food." Missouri stood and left. Gabe stood awkwardly for a moment before seeming like he was going to leave.

"Wait, Gabe." Dean reached out to him. "You still have your plane here?"

"Uh, yeah. Why?" Then Gabe looked to Adam and then back at Dean. "Oh, no. No, no, no. That is a horrible idea. You can't go after her on your own. This is like some kind of thing that you hand off to like the military or something. You can't go down there. Where would you even start?" Gabe finally stopped for air.

"You finished?"

"No." But Dean interrupted him before he could start again.

"I have to try. For Cas. If anything pulls him out of this, makes him fight, it'll be her. He can't lose her. He has suffered enough."

Gabe gripped the edge of the bed, knuckles growing white with the effort. He seemed to be worrying over the ramifications of his decision. Dean could see him running through the scenarios with each moment that passed. "I don't think this is wise," he finally said, and Dean knew that he had won.

"If you don't fly me there, I'll go some other way. You can get me closer though." Dean reached out to him. "This is for Cas. I know you want to help me. Just say yes."

Gabe looked at him and waited a few seconds before saying, "Okay."

"We can't tell Sam until we are gone. He'll try to stop us." Dean turned to Adam. I'll text you when it is safe to tell them." Adam nodded. Dean added, "I'm going to go pack. I'll be back here in an hour ready to go." Dean stalked off and out of the hospital.

* * *

When he returned, he gave Gabe a nod and ducked into Cas' room one more time. He slipped into the chair at Cas' side and pulled his hand into his own. He let his thumbs fall to stroking little circles there. He spoke to him in whispers as he leaned his head over the bar on the edge of the bed. "You know I never want to leave you. Told myself that I would though. I told myself after all of this, that I would leave. I would let you have the life you deserve, but we keep coming back to each other. I keep staying, despite everything, Cas. I need to leave, and everything in me keeps pushing me to stay."

He pushed his forehead down into the bar and closed his eyes. He added, "I love you." He opened his eyes and looked on Cas' face. The bruising had faded a little in the past couple of days. It was a splotchy yellowish color now. His lips were dry and cracking around the breathing tube. Dean reached over to the tube of Vaseline and smeared some on his finger to dab on Cas' lips. "I will bring Lil back to you. I'll at least fix that. Just so you know, I'll always hear your voice like a song. You are everything that matters, and I hope that I haven't ruined you like I have ruined so much for so many." He stood now. Gabe was at the door. He walked to him and looked back at Cas one more time. "Always, Cas. Always." He walked out the door then with Gabe's hand on his back.

* * *

They had managed to leave without anyone being the wiser. The airstrip that Gabe had left the plane at was a few miles down the highway. They did not talk. Gabe already knew the plan. Dean had what he needed in the duffle bag. Gabe wouldn't be sticking around to get pulled in too deep. They strapped themselves into their seats, and Gabe flicked some switches before putting on his headset. He turned to Dean and said, "You sure about this?"

"Absolutely." Dean gripped the edges of his seat. He wasn't afraid of much, but flying just seemed unnatural. The plane moved down the runway, slowly at first. Then Gabe accelerated and took the plane into flight. The land slipped away and they greeted the sky. The sky was blue and wide.

Dean leaned his head to the window and watched it all become smaller and smaller. He thought that he might not win this one. He might not come back. He didn't care. He had to go down swinging. He had to try. He watched the world below with its tiny movements. There were so many people down there, blissfully unaware of anything being amiss. He wanted that for Cas. He wanted that for Lil. Hell, he wanted that for Sam and Jess and everyone.  _They deserve that._  He thought this and for a flicker of a second he thought,  _Maybe I deserve that too._  He shook his head and stared out at the land, green and brown patches seemingly moving by, but they weren't really. He was moving, and his trajectory was going to lead to something dangerous.

He closed his eyes and sleep overtook him. It had been a long string of days. He dreamed of better days, of something beyond all of this. He dreamed of a house, high on a hill. He dreamed of Cas pulling him through the front door. He dreamed of Lil chattering away as she drew her family, crayon gripped in her delicate hand. He dreamed of the sounds that happiness made. He dreamed of light in the morning trailing in through the curtains, blanketing their bed and Cas in a sea of gold. He dreamed of him smiling at him, one eye cracked open, not fully waking up until Lil bounded onto the bed in wild abandon. He dreamed of quiet domesticity. The whir of the dishwasher, the sound of a distant lawnmower, the low hum of the microwave reheating leftovers. He dreamed of what it could be, what it should be, what he would always want and likely never have.

He dreamed of quiet and noise. He dreamed of all the beauty that comes from loving someone so much that everything is beautiful, even the fighting that ends in murmured kisses and a gentle hand pressed to one's chest, a hand that says you are home, you are loved. He let his mind live in this. He maybe didn't feel as though he deserved this in his waking life, but in dreams he could have this. He could have Cas and Lil. He could have love and life and all that mattered in the world, for here it would be safe. His heart could have this in dreams even if it is meant to break upon his waking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you have it loyal readers, the final chapter of part two in this ginormous saga. Ya still with me on this journey? There will be a break between this part and part three (the final part). I will start publishing it, likely in late 2015. I have a couple of other fics that need attention and travel plans for the summer. I'm looking forward to hearing your comments, ideas, speculations. Please share your thoughts if you have read this far as I so enjoy them. During the hiatus from this fic, I will be working on Wayward, a canonverse fic, and my DCBB entry that is now an AU. Love to you all, and all the gratitude a writer can muster. You are the best.
> 
> Lastly, the title of the third part will be Lil Chorus for the Dying. Not sure if you saw what I did there, but I'm incorporating the song stuff into the title and continuing with the name in the title too.
> 
> You can also still follow me on Tumblr at spearywritesstuff.


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